"swinging"..common??
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Old 07-12-2010, 09:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default "swinging"..common??

After my last disaster relationship I decided to try dating someone I already knew from work who has shown interest in me for awhile. We get along great and had worked together for about 2 years. Heres the problem..hes into "swinging". It turns out his last long term relationship was with a woman who also liked other woman(bi)and was into swinging too. They even put an add on the internet looking for other couples to hook up with. When he told me this I was like WTF i'm not into that. Now to look at this guy you would NEVER know this Hes clean cut educated nice etc..He told me they never hook up with anyone because he was picky and very careful about who he slept with.

Things had started out great with us till he mentioned this. I told him flat out i'm not into that. Now i'm thinking am I just old fashioned and this in more common that I think and should be more open to trying new things? Honestly how would you feel about dating someone with this kind of past?
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: "swinging"..common??

it is hard to give a final answer.
years ago when I was dating GF we did it and was very fun. but I wont do it with a wife because I cant see a guy touching her.
some people take it as a way of not cheating, trying different people for one night stand and watching your partner having fun.
its hard to find good looking people into it since most them are elderly.
if you are not dating that person for a while atleast 6 months what is the point of swinging?
you said you are an old fashion, have you thought about it before?
where do you see yourself? what things you like and you don't like?
are you type of wild person?.
if you want to be more open to new things you do it for yourself and not for others.
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: "swinging"..common??

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Originally Posted by sarah1971 View Post
Things had started out great with us till he mentioned this. I told him flat out i'm not into that. Now i'm thinking am I just old fashioned and this in more common that I think and should be more open to trying new things? Honestly how would you feel about dating someone with this kind of past?
You are not "just old fashioned". This is a lifestyle you obviously aren't comfortable with. Don't go changing who you are to keep this guy. Send this fella on and be thankful you found out about this before you invested a lot of time in him.
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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You are not "just old fashioned". This is a lifestyle you obviously aren't comfortable with. Don't go changing who you are to keep this guy. Send this fella on and be thankful you found out about this before you invested a lot of time in him.
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Old 07-12-2010, 11:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Now i'm thinking am I just old fashioned and this in more common that I think and should be more open to trying new things? Honestly how would you feel about dating someone with this kind of past?
What does it matter how anyone else feels about it. Either you are open to swinging or you're not. Too often, people let themselves get dragged into things they don't care to do out of desperation to please the person they are dating. Keep your own mind and opinions. Besides that, you don't see this guy has hoodwinked you twice already..........

1. Things had started out great with us till he mentioned this.
Why did he wait? He should have told you early on. He waited until he'd be able to weaken you with pressure - after you liked him enough or had fallen in love enough to WANT to please him. He told you other things about himself - I go to the gym 5 days a week, I don't eat carrots, I've been hang gliding.....whatever.

2. He told me they never hook up with anyone because he was picky and very careful about who he slept with.
Yeah, right. How do you call yourself a swinger if you never did it? It is more likely he would have expressed being open to it, always curious about it, or that he wanted to do it. He would not indicate he's "into" something that he's not into doing.
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Old 07-12-2010, 11:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: "swinging"..common??

I believe it is far more common than most people would presume. I wouldn't call it mainstream, or refer to it as normal or abnormal.

Whatever floats your boat, as long you are not putting yourself or anyone else at risk.

If that lifestyle is important to him, and not to you, probably best to part ways.
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Old 07-12-2010, 09:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: "swinging"..common??

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What does it matter how anyone else feels about it. Either you are open to swinging or you're not. Too often, people let themselves get dragged into things they don't care to do out of desperation to please the person they are dating. Keep your own mind and opinions. Besides that, you don't see this guy has hoodwinked you twice already..........

1. Things had started out great with us till he mentioned this.
Why did he wait? He should have told you early on. He waited until he'd be able to weaken you with pressure - after you liked him enough or had fallen in love enough to WANT to please him. He told you other things about himself - I go to the gym 5 days a week, I don't eat carrots, I've been hang gliding.....whatever.

2. He told me they never hook up with anyone because he was picky and very careful about who he slept with.
Yeah, right. How do you call yourself a swinger if you never did it? It is more likely he would have expressed being open to it, always curious about it, or that he wanted to do it. He would not indicate he's "into" something that he's not into doing.

Although I do agree with the beginning of Susan's response, the only things I want to say is that in regard to not telling you right away, if you hadn't talked about sex in other regards before that, I don't see it as deception really. It's a personal thing, and not the kind of thing you necessarily bring up on a first date. Second, I took "hook up" a different way than Susan did, I think, and I'd like to see if you can clarify. Younger people these days refer to what used to be called a "one night stand" as "hooking up". Can you tell me if he was using hook up in that one night stand kind of way or was he actually trying to say they never had sex with others?

Otherwise, I agree with Susan's sentiment that either your comfortable with it or you're not. Personally, I'm not. I don't know how common a lifestyle it is, but common or not doesn't really matter here. What matters if that you aren't comfortable with it. And there's nothing wrong with that. Now...IF you really want to date him and see where it could lead, you could ask him if he is willing to give up that lifestyle. If he's not, then that will tell you that the two of you are not compatible. If he is, I would take things slowly, and see if he gives you reason to doubt him. If he says he'll give it up and then tries to talk you into it, red flag.
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Old 07-12-2010, 11:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: "swinging"..common??

here's the thing about swinging: if people had no emotions, it would be good old dirty fun. because we DO have emotions, it's a poor idea, statistically, in a committed relationship. think about this: if your significant other suggests it and you're NOT into it, he can tell himself, "man, she's no fun; she's limiting our relationship; we're not seeing eye-to-eye; she's closed-minded." if you DO agree enthusiastically, and if you enjoy it, what do you think is going to run through his mind? "wow--maybe she's been looking for a reason to sleep with other men."

suggesting something like that is a subconscious test of either OBEDIENCE (will she go for it if i suggest it?) or of LOYALTY (will she refuse, and can i therefore justify cheating myself? i mean, hell, i offered her the opportunity to join me. her loss.). and a man who uses a test that can't be satisfactorily passed is an insecure jerk. it's an excuse to either cheat on you because you're not enough for him (if you don't go for it) or to respect you a little less (if you go for it).

look, in the context of a NON-longterm committed relationship, like a "buddies" scenario, it may work well, it may be fun. but if you LOVE someone, it makes you sad and sick inside to think of them sharing something so intimate with someone else. if you don't want to do it, DON'T FRICKIN DO IT.
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Old 07-12-2010, 11:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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my husband and i have been 'recruited' by swinging couples--we went out to some bar after a charity gals and met a charming group of people--3 couples, good-looking, cultured, classy, witty--but we got this weird vibe from them like they were sizing us up. it might have been fun; the husbands were all handsome, charming guys and the wives were sweet as pie--but i kept thinking, that's somebody's HUSBAND. if his wife doesn't mind, it's because she doesn't KNOW better. happy wives take fidelity for granted. i couldn't do it. H and i gave the whole pretty-ass crew a fake phone # and vanished into the night. was it an intriguing prospect? yessss. but was it a little creepy and adrenaline-inducing, not in a good way? YES YES YES. and would i have felt bizzare and unsure of myself afterwards? YYYYYYYYYYYYYES. trust your own internal boundaries/thresholds.

Last edited by LadyOfTheHouse; 07-12-2010 at 11:30 PM. Reason: syntactical error
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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here's the thing about swinging: if people had no emotions, it would be good old dirty fun. because we DO have emotions, it's a poor idea, statistically, in a committed relationship.
I would like to see your statistics. I think you are making some MAJOR assumptions about how most/many/all people feel.

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think about this: if your significant other suggests it and you're NOT into it, he can tell himself, "man, she's no fun; she's limiting our relationship; we're not seeing eye-to-eye; she's closed-minded." if you DO agree enthusiastically, and if you enjoy it, what do you think is going to run through his mind? "wow--maybe she's been looking for a reason to sleep with other men."

Those are 2 pretty limited view points about what might be going through someone's head!

There are many people who do not philosophically agree with the notion of monogamy. ]There are people who don't believe that one man one woman is the only or right way to love other people or have sexual relations. There are many people who do not believe that any one person necessarily is or can be all to another.

There are people who live in what is called responsible non-monogamy. This would include things like swinging, polyamory and the like.



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look, in the context of a NON-longterm committed relationship, like a "buddies" scenario, it may work well, it may be fun. but if you LOVE someone, it makes you sad and sick inside to think of them sharing something so intimate with someone else. if you don't want to do it, DON'T FRICKIN DO IT.
I don't think that anyone who doesn't want to do it should. But not everyone gets anything like sad and sick that their loved one might have sexual feelings for another. Not even CLOSE. As far as I am concerned, the notion that a person is the ONLY person their partner is EVER going to be attracted to is naive and immature. If you are going to choose a monogamous lifestyle, then do it with your eyes open.
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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When he told me this I was like WTF i'm not into that. Now to look at this guy you would NEVER know this Hes clean cut educated nice etc..He told me they never hook up with anyone because he was picky and very careful about who he slept with.

Things had started out great with us till he mentioned this. I told him flat out i'm not into that. Now i'm thinking am I just old fashioned and this in more common that I think and should be more open to trying new things? Honestly how would you feel about dating someone with this kind of past?
OK, so you told him and then what? Is it just in his past? Is he still looking to do this?

If you think that he is still interested and you are not, it's time to move on. Just part as friends.
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