sundevil

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and have two children; however, our marriage has become strained in the last year. We both work and balance high end careers; however, we don't have time for each other. We seem to be at each other over sex, money, pasts, and other issues. It doesn't appear that either of us have been unfaithful (at least I know I haven't).

We use to have an active sex life and now my wife is happy if we are intimate once every two weeks. She blames it on stress and in an effort to help we have divided a lot of the chores at home to balance the load. She cooks dinner, I clean. She dusts and cleans counters, I mop and vaccuum. She drops the kids of at school and I pick up. I would truly see this as a 50/50; however, she doesn't give me credit for what I do and then blames lack of interest on stress. What can I do?

My other frustration is that she and her high school girlfriend always talk about high school and old experiences, boyfriends which drives me insane. My wife was not a virgin when we met and I accept that; however, shouldn't she move on and not focus so much on the past good and/or hot times?

I love my wife; however, I am just confused and don't know where to go?

hitrockbottom

I would say...not to stress the Sex...the more I pushed my wife the less she wanted it. She said that once you put too much emphasis on it, it starts to turn into a chore instead of something you want to do.

hmm the past things...I would ask her not to talk about them around you...atleast the sexual things.....its just out of respect in my opinion...I don't talk about my past conquest w/my wife unless it is brought up. Even then it is just talking about weird places that we've done it....but all in all I would say avoid talking about it....atleast in mixed company

As for the rest? I don't have kids sorry...well my own kids I am raising my nephews....but I try and split that 50/50 when needed.

Deejo

That always strikes me as the cruelest irony in a struggling marriage.

You meet this person with whom all you want to do is spend time. Get to know. Share your heart. Just be with.

Then as the ultimate expression of that love and commitment to being with your partner, you marry them.

And then it all changes. Add children, careers, daily schedules and responsibilities. You get lost in the job of being married instead of the purpose of being married.

There isn't enough here to determine if it's you or her. Frankly it doesn't much matter. What matters is making it clear to yourself, and your wife, what you want from your marriage - and she should do the same. Then you work together at making it happen.

As for her reminiscing about the 'glory days', I'd let it go. I go camping with friends that I have known for 3 decades - we always revisit the past, including partners that were, and partners we wished there were. I don't see it as harmful - although I see nothing wrong with asking her and her friend to talk about their past boy-toys when you are out of earshot.

swedish

If you are able to swing it, I would recommend hiring someone to clean your house once a week to take some of the load off of both of you (if you haven't already) and start going out, just the two of you, at least once a week if you can get a sitter.

She probably isn't making up excuses for not having sex. She's probably just worn out and unless she's feeling emotionally connected to you, is not in the mood. Sleep can sound better than sex when you're feeling stressed and worn out.

BlueCreek

I'm with hrb as far as bring up the sex goes. Trust me, I know from vast experience, having it once every couple of weeks...really ain't that bad and can get MUCH worse if you start making a big deal about it and pressuring her. Focus on all the other stuff first and then see if that improves your marriage and brings the sex life back closer in line with what you need before you start arguing about that. Truly, stress and pressure are major turn offs for most women and will drastically affect that side of your marriage. You can relieve the pressure just by not putting any on her, and talk openly with her about how you can reduce more of her stress (though obviously don't make the offer in any sort of context that you are doing so just to improve your love life.)

Money is kind of a standard issue to argue about and is rarely the real issue behind problems and usually more like an easy scapegoat. Besides, you both work, so it's not like one of you feels s/he is doing everything to bring all the money while the other is taking it easy.

The two biggest things that stand out to me are the fact that you do about half the chores but she doesn't give you the credit for it, and that she likes reminisce fondly over past times and relationships with her friend.

For the first, have you two really talked about that and gotten a good sense of why she thinks she does more than you? It's important that you both really appreciate with the other does for you, so you need to understand what she expects that she is not getting, and why. You can only do that by talking openly about it in a non defensive way.

Reminiscing about High School is usually nothing, so you need to really think about what she and her friends are actually talking about. If it's just chatting once every now and then about something that happened to them in HS, seriously, it's just old friends talking and probably means nothing at all, even if an ex's name pops up every now and then. If she and her friend always had a boyfriend, then it would stand to reason that many of things they did together in HS would include those boyfriends. That said, if your wife has long conversations with her friend on a weekly basis talking specifically about past boyfriends and things they all did together, well, let's just say I can really see why that one irks you. It sure would me. Of all the things you wrote that you argue about, this seems like the most purely emotional one, and the more emotional the issue is, the harder it can be for each of you to understand the other's viewpoint. I remember a few months after I proposed to my wife I noticed this little homemade painting hanging in one of her rooms was signed by a previous boyfriend. I was pretty ticked off by that. The very first thing I did when I was sure I was going to propose to my wife was go through everything I own and tossed everything out that was from or even really reminded me of a previous girlfriend. Seemed totally normally to me and I was shocked she hadn't done the same. So I asked and she ended up doing the same for me, but she didn't quite get it and wasn't exactly thrilled. It's just the way I am, I have no interest in even thinking about past relationships, let alone talking about them, and I need my wife to respect that and she does.

So, if you are at all like me, at the bare minimum you need to make sure she knows you don't like hearing about them at all and make sure those conversations happen when you aren't around. You can't very well demand she not talk about HS with her best friend from those times, but you do need to have a serious heart to heart. Never assume that she understands how you feel (and vice versa.) It may very well be nothing at all, but it should be important to her that you be comfortable and not threatened by things like this. She can tell you not to worry about it, but she should still be more than happy to assure you she will try and keep talks with her friend steered away from topics that focus on past boyfriends, and aways do so when you are around.

draconis

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sundevil

Thanks for the insight. I thought things were bad; however, it appears it may be somewhat normal. The chore or tasks can be fixed which should help.

I think the high school think for her friend may be the "best" times for her and thus she keeps remembering those times. I reached out per one of the e-mails to a former high school friend of hers per (Jealousy Thread) who she keeps raving about and explained why I had backed away from our friendship and he advised that I have nothing to worry about. That seemed to work.

It seems as though my wife talks about old times to get my goat if you will and I have to tell you it does work. I don't talk about my past as it doesn't matter. I do believe she is not honest about her partners (numbers) and her stories so I move forward; however, she doesn't.

My gut still tells me I shouldn't trust her as a result of these statements; however, nothing strong to give the "gut" feeling much credit. It just is a sense and the way she talks.

I suggested counseling just to discuss and air our issues; however, she agrees without a strong sense of ownership.

Any thoughts?

swedish

If you think she's doing it to get your goat, do you think it might be that she's looking for attention from you?

I know for me (and many other women from what I've read on these boards) is that in order for me to want sex I need to be emotionally connected to my husband. When it comes to sexual drive, it goes into high gear when he compliments me often and is loving (kisses, cuddles, sweet emails, run out to help unload the groceries). That's really the difference between 'I guess I can get into the mood' when approached and feeling in the mood when he isn't even here, because I miss him and want to be close to him and thinking about him just gets me going.

Date night once a week, working out together, etc. has really made a huge impact in connecting us and relieves a lot of stress to get away from the kids, housework, bills, work, etc.