General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I have been living apart- 2000 miles for the past 7 months.
I'm in one state with my children while they finish up school & selling the house.
My husband took a job in another state- & we bought a house there.
We have a good marriage & love each other dearly.
Several months ago my husband joined an outdoor group & they would hike every weekend.
"Jane" is the leader of this group.
The group all gets along very well-
Hiking group is now over as the weather got too hot.
Jane has taken to phoning my husband to chat.
She knows the situation- I'm here with kids selling the house.
I'm told she wants to meet me when I move there and have us all over for dinner.- my husband told me this.
These phone calls have been going on for 3- 4 months.
I told my husband this is very inappropriate for Jane- a single woman- to be calling my husband to chit chat 1-2x /week. Sometimes less -sometimes this.
Husband says she is a very nice lady & he talks about me all the time- and he really likes her because she is such a nice person.
I told him although he doesn't have any designs on her- she is over stepping here.
She doesn't need to be calling a married man to say Hi- how are you.
And he doesn't need to have a female friend like this who is in contact every week or more.
Husband had a birthday a few weeks ago- she sent him a book in the mail & called him.
My feeling is that she is intruding & my husband doesn't see it this way.
I'm sick all the time about this.
What do you all think?
Location: Some days Misery USA, some days Blah USA and most days Happy USA
Posts: 91
Re: Can I get some opinions?
JM12
I think I would ask him "If the tables were turned, and you had a single man calling you and befriending you in this same way, what would he feel about the single man's intentions?" Would he still be so unconcerned?
I'm sorry. I wish I had something better to offer. I can see your point of view clearly. He's wanting to dismiss your feelings of unease but I'm not sure he'd dismiss his own if the tables were turned and you were the one with the new single male friend.
I do think there is a difference between believing that your relationship is at risk, versus, your spouse or partner having contact or interactions with friends or colleagues of the opposite sex.
My husband and I went through the exact same thing four years ago. Our marraige was bumpy before he left so my insecurities were really huge! First of all, your husband is telling you everything. If he was interested in another woman, he would not tell you about a book or even discuss her. I don't agree that a single woman should be acting that way but some people feel this behavior is acceptable. Your husband also needs to understand that you are home, with kids, selling a house, and eventually packing it up for the move. You need to keep your head clear and he needs to realize that he may be there alone, and lonely from missing you and the kids(and possibly family life in general)but you are carrying the burden for the family right now and he needs to be supportive about your feelings. Say this in a phone call, do not email as messages can be lost in translation. If he cares how you are feeling about this, he will respect your wishes. You also need to keep in mind that he is most likely lonely and just looking for someone to talk to that is right in front of him. Regardless of their gender. Keep an open mind and really listen, it is hard enough staying apart until you can move there too!
I don't know...I can kind of see both sides of this. I can see why you would be uncomfortable, and I wouldn't say you were wrong. On the other hand, if it wasn't completely innocent on his part, I doubt he'd have ever said anything at all to you about what's going on. As for Jane and her intentions...well, we don't know Jane, so hard to say. She could be a homewrecker hoping to do damage, or she could just sincerely think of your husband as a nice guy and platonic friend. In my own life, most of my married male friends are really the husbands of my female friends, and in general, I only talk to their husbands in passing - when they answer the phone when I call my female friend, when we all get together for a birthday party or bbq or something, etc. But if I did carry the friendship further than that, it wouldn't be with intentions of anything beyond friendship. I don't know that the fact that she's single should really be used against her for this, as a married woman could be just as guilty of trying for something more.
But regardless of her intentions, the fact remains that you are uncomfortable with this situation. And since that is the case, your husband should respect that and ask Jane to back off. And if asking doesn't work, he should then demand she back off and take steps to ensure that she does. If he won't do that, I would wonder why he won't show you that small amount of respect and courtesy.
I know how you feel and it's horrible. My husband is overseas and we recently had the same thing happen. This woman was calling my husband every single day. They even went out to dinner together and he babysat her kids. He got mad at me for telling him I was upset about this. He claimed she was just nice and that I was being jealous.
I can tell you he probably isn't going to see it as disrespectful unless something happens to show him that his contact with her is inappropriate. For us this happened when she finally said something to him about choosing between me and her. He was shocked because he said he didn't think she was thinking that way. He no longer has contact with her.
I tried everything including asking him how he would feel if roles were reversed. I think he just thought I was overly emotional and irrational.
I do think it is a plus that she is talking about wanting to meet you. Maybe you could suggest that she call you. Get to know her a little better and also tell her how you feel about her relationship with your husband. If she really is a nice person then she would do the respectful thing and back off. If she insists on continuing even after you've talked to her (as my husband's friend did) then it's pretty obvious her intentions are not as innocent as your husband believes.
My husband is a good man but he is still just a man. After almost a year apart the frustration level is high and I think the problem could have something to do with him just missing a women's presence. It's an evolving issue with us and the small first signs went ignored. I've been reading some of these forums to try to get a handle on the best way to approach another issue (my husbands toxic friend) and saw your post.
FACT, Your husband is obviously interacting with this woman, I don't think it's only her calling him, the question is WHY? My guess is he's lonely. Also a FACT, it's VERY inappropriate, not to mention disrespectful to you and your family. Jamming him about this will only make his depression worse. Keep in mind you still need to address it just not rant about it. When my husband went thru this I was very hurt and had to do some thinking before I approached the issue. Eventually I decided I was owed an apology for the disrespect to our family and I forbid any further contact with this woman outside of work. I've met her, she's sweet and adorable and face it, what man doesn't feel better being around pretty woman.
That said, I also had to make some changes to fill the void he was inappropriately trying to fill without me. Remember he is a family man with no family for now so OVER-share with the home stuff. Every time we see my husband he cries because our 10 yo has grown a few inches without him so I take pictures of EVERYTHING. If something funny happens I call to share. Every once in a while I call in the middle of the night to tell him I couldn't sleep. I make him part of the family again by allowing him to feel like he is taking part in the family. Each child is encouraged to make their own call to him once a day. I talk to him at least three or four times a day. Our funniest call is always the morning call. Whoever is up first calls the other and we wake up together. We don't talk about schedules or plans, we just yawn and stretch and snuggle on the phone. I got Skype and set him a place at the table. He can help with the kids homework or watch TV with you if he wants.
Needless to say many things can be done but you first have to realize this inappropriate relationship is just a symptom of your situation. If you want to keep him, keep him happy.
E-mail me if you want to talk about some things I'm trying to get this house (farm) sold. Home school starts this week so it's my turn to be stressed.
I would say that this is crossing the line. This woman can be friends with your husband, but talking all the time is probably a bit much. Your instincts are correct. This appears to be a play to get your husband, he may not see it coming.
I agree, Your husband is probably a great catch and you would be a fool to think you were the only one who knew that. arack is right, he probably has no idea.
I think people are different and its possible she means absolutely nothing by this. But you never can be sure, so if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell your husband to tell her that it makes his wife uncomfortable and he does not want to jeapordize his marriage. Once you move there, you may be open to having dinner with her, but until you are there, you are uncomfortable with it. I think thats understandable and still respectful. If told nicely, she should understand.
Is it possible that your husband just doesn't know how to communicate to the woman that she should back away, without destroying his ability to participate in the group?
I'm not suggesting that this is the real reason that he will not ask her to back away, but maybe it would help him if you offer insight on how to do it, and make it easier for him to have the discussion. For example, will it hurt your feelings if he tells the woman that he is running the risk of having innappropriate feelings, and loves his wife too much to allow this to continue? Some guys would consider this betrayal, in a sense, by admitting that the thoughts are there. Making it easy for him to have the discussion might clear up a litttle of the reluctance.
Some of us guys really just don't know how to handle asking a person to back away without making things get pretty ugly.
Good advice here. Many people are not familiar with the concept of an emotional affair. Your husband is lonely, and this woman is filling a need for emotional support.
She should not be giving him gifts. I would tell him that this situation makes you uncomfortable, and ask him to cease contact with her. We are all wired for affairs, and we need strict boundaries with the opposite sex to protect our marriages.
You know, Ive been thinking about this today and I don't think I'd put the burden of a breakup from his gal-pal on him. Maybe you should explore the possibility of that responsibility falling on your shoulders.
Halien has a better point than he knows.
"guys really just don't know how to handle asking a person to back away without making things get pretty ugly. "
But also your HUB has to live their NOW and deal with his situational stress day to day. Her lack of respect is to you as well as to him so face it head on. It really doesn't matter if this gal-pal realizes what she's doing is disrespectful or not. If she does realize than she has an agenda, if she doesn't than it's about time someone made her aware. I have a friend whose husband is just the best thing ever. When our families interact my husband will gravitate to the older boys while my friend will make activities for the kids and he and I always end up having the best time. That said, I know better than to interact with him outside our group gatherings. We would NEVER think of acting inappropriately but that is not the point. It's disrespectful to our spouses and children. Innocence does not matter, it would NOT appear innocent.
Like I said, Ive thought about this all day and I decided if this was my HUB, I would show him this thread, Talk the situation through and insist on her number so you can call her to chat and at least inform her that her behavior is at best inappropriate and disrespectful. I would def make myself known to her. I really think in the end your husband would respect you for not just letting him know you love him (he already knows that) but making him FEEL like he's worth fighting for.
Tell your H., by phone not E-Mail---he is being inappropriate for a married man
Tell him it bothers you, and it needs to stop
Remind him he is married to you, and has kids,---if he has too much time on his hands, find other hobbies/things to occupy his time
If he plays the "she is just a friend" card---tell him that married men do not have single women as friends to the extent of time she is spending talking to him----FEMALE friends are once a week, or a couple of times a month---quick talk on how things are going, and thats it---if he needs someone to talk to more about life and things, where are his MALE friends----JUST MAKE IT CLEAR HE IS BEING INAPPROPRIATE, AND YOU WILL HAVE NONE OF IT, STARTING NOW!!!!!!
Can I get some opinions? 
Re: Can I get some opinions? 
