What is it about your spouse...?
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Old 07-14-2010, 10:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What is it about your spouse...?

My wife and I have been following a lot of these threads and we had a discussion about it last night. We both sat down and talked about it to see if we could find what exactly each of us finds in each other that continues to draw us close together. I don't know if it helps anyone, but below is what we each put down as to what the other is doing in life to keep the other person happy and fulfilled.

From my wifes perspective for me -

- Giving her plenty of physical touch outside of the bedroom. For her, the times we hold hands simply shopping, or me running my fingers through her hair is like crack cocaine for her. The fact that now I do it automatically without even thinking about it is huge for her.

- The second most important aspect is my humorous nature. I generally am always cracking jokes and acting silly. For me, humor is a core part of who I am. I enjoy nothing more then laughing and making other people laugh.

- Listening and asking about her feelings without trying to solve them. Early on in our relationship I tried to fix everything and it ended up simply frustrating her even more. Once I just started listening and understanding her feelings it really mattered to her.

- She feels safe and secure with me. She calls me the nicest a$$hole she knows. Like Mem says, I have a line that as long as people don't cross it I will go out of my way to be nice and accommodating. If someone crosses that line though, I will let you know about it and that I will not tolerate it. I know from personality tests that I have taken from psychologists (it was part of my job requirement) I am a ENFP.

- I've kept up my looks and take pride in what I look like physically. She does think though I don't dress nice enough most of the time (I'm a shorts, tshirt and sandals type of guy).

- I have been open minded sexually and I go out of my way to fulfill her fetishes and needs. I've always made it a point to give her satisfaction first before I go for my own.

From my perspective for my wife -

- She is not a nagger. If she doesn't like something, she will tell me directly she doesn't like it and it needs to change. For me nagging is a definite turn off to me both sexually and personally. I hate it when people complain about something without trying to fix it.

- She is honest with me and doesn't hold anything back. I love open honesty and it's nice knowing that I always know what she thinks, and that I will always get a honest answer.

- There have been times I know she's not really "into it" and she has either done (or offered) other things for me. Most of the time that's enough and I don't take her up on it. It's really nice knowing that she loves me enough to do that for me out of love.

- She is sexually adventurous. Even though she initiates very rarely she's very, very rarely turned me down. And sex is not always the same vanilla and bland sex.

- As I have she has kept her figure through the years (we have 3 kids with a 4th on the way).

- I put this last, but it's by no means NOT the least important and that is she has a huge heart. My wife will give the shirt off of her back for anyone. I have never met someone as truly generous as she is. Shes the type that people can and do take advantage of many times.



Sometimes I notice we tend to focus on what irritates us with our spouse. I thought it would be a nice change for each of us to come up with 6 things our spouse does that makes us happy.
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:10 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is it about your spouse...?

"Sometimes I notice we tend to focus on what irritates us with our spouse. I thought it would be a nice change for each of us to come up with 6 things our spouse does that makes us happy."

This line really touched my heart.. I am married for 3 yrs with 2 kids already (2 y/o and a 6 month old baby) as early as this stage, me and my husband are going through a lotof difficulty, financially and emotionally..I always thought that he is god's gift to me, i considered myself lucky to be his girl then and his wife now..but its becoming a nightmare..he always sees the bad in me, points out all the negative side of me and rarely appreciates me. If only he can come up with as what you said, 6 things that i do that will make him happy, that will really be great..makesme think that hemay not be happy with me anymore.. i'm even suspicious that he's having an affair..he keeps his phone, puts it in his pocket when he sleeps and when i make a move at night, he rejects me and says he's tired. but whenhe's the one asking for it, i never turn him down..he has become sexually adventorous recently--if he feelslike it, he wants to have anal sex..i consented once but i hatedit! the next time, he wants to do it again and i declined..he became angry, even if i agreed to do it because ilove him, hegot angrierstill..i dont understand him anymore..ilove him so much but i fell like he doesn.t respect me at all.. i dont know him anymore..i'm really confused..
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is it about your spouse...?

Crypsys,
This is such a great post. You and I have a lot of similarities. The funniest thing is that we both have a preference for very casual dressing. Well I do when I am around the house. But when we go out - I slip into something nicer for her. I don't mind and it makes her happy.

It took me 5 LOOONNNNGGGGG years to learn to listen and empathize and NOT problem solve. So now I listen and empathize, it really isn't hard once you get used to it.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypsys View Post
My wife and I have been following a lot of these threads and we had a discussion about it last night. We both sat down and talked about it to see if we could find what exactly each of us finds in each other that continues to draw us close together. I don't know if it helps anyone, but below is what we each put down as to what the other is doing in life to keep the other person happy and fulfilled.

From my wifes perspective for me -

- Giving her plenty of physical touch outside of the bedroom. For her, the times we hold hands simply shopping, or me running my fingers through her hair is like crack cocaine for her. The fact that now I do it automatically without even thinking about it is huge for her.

- The second most important aspect is my humorous nature. I generally am always cracking jokes and acting silly. For me, humor is a core part of who I am. I enjoy nothing more then laughing and making other people laugh.

- Listening and asking about her feelings without trying to solve them. Early on in our relationship I tried to fix everything and it ended up simply frustrating her even more. Once I just started listening and understanding her feelings it really mattered to her.

- She feels safe and secure with me. She calls me the nicest a$$hole she knows. Like Mem says, I have a line that as long as people don't cross it I will go out of my way to be nice and accommodating. If someone crosses that line though, I will let you know about it and that I will not tolerate it. I know from personality tests that I have taken from psychologists (it was part of my job requirement) I am a ENFP.

- I've kept up my looks and take pride in what I look like physically. She does think though I don't dress nice enough most of the time (I'm a shorts, tshirt and sandals type of guy).

- I have been open minded sexually and I go out of my way to fulfill her fetishes and needs. I've always made it a point to give her satisfaction first before I go for my own.

From my perspective for my wife -

- She is not a nagger. If she doesn't like something, she will tell me directly she doesn't like it and it needs to change. For me nagging is a definite turn off to me both sexually and personally. I hate it when people complain about something without trying to fix it.

- She is honest with me and doesn't hold anything back. I love open honesty and it's nice knowing that I always know what she thinks, and that I will always get a honest answer.

- There have been times I know she's not really "into it" and she has either done (or offered) other things for me. Most of the time that's enough and I don't take her up on it. It's really nice knowing that she loves me enough to do that for me out of love.

- She is sexually adventurous. Even though she initiates very rarely she's very, very rarely turned me down. And sex is not always the same vanilla and bland sex.

- As I have she has kept her figure through the years (we have 3 kids with a 4th on the way).

- I put this last, but it's by no means NOT the least important and that is she has a huge heart. My wife will give the shirt off of her back for anyone. I have never met someone as truly generous as she is. Shes the type that people can and do take advantage of many times.



Sometimes I notice we tend to focus on what irritates us with our spouse. I thought it would be a nice change for each of us to come up with 6 things our spouse does that makes us happy.
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is it about your spouse...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
Crypsys,
This is such a great post. You and I have a lot of similarities. The funniest thing is that we both have a preference for very casual dressing. Well I do when I am around the house. But when we go out - I slip into something nicer for her. I don't mind and it makes her happy.
Yeah, I need to do better with that. My job requires me to wear a suit every day to work. That is so not my personality though, as I'm all about comfort. I'm thinking about letting the wife take me out this weekend and I'm going to let her choose an outfit for me to wear when we go out on Saturday. I admit I have 0 style, so having her pick it out will let me know what she likes to see me in.

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Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
It took me 5 LOOONNNNGGGGG years to learn to listen and empathize and NOT problem solve. So now I listen and empathize, it really isn't hard once you get used to it.
I agree, it's not hard once you get used to it. It's getting used to it that's hard. It took me about 4 months of constantly reminding myself to listen and understand and not solve. It was work, but now it's second nature.
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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he always sees the bad in me, points out all the negative side of me and rarely appreciates me. If only he can come up with as what you said, 6 things that i do that will make him happy, that will really be great..
Then sit down with him tonight and do this little exercise together (but seperate). No negatives can be said at all, just focus on the positives. Go into different rooms and write it down on paper. Once yall are both finished come together and talk about it, together.

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ilove him so much but i fell like he doesn.t respect me at all.. i dont know him anymore..i'm really confused..
Have you sat down together and discussed it when your not in the middle of another fight?
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Old 07-16-2010, 11:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Crypsys View Post
Then sit down with him tonight and do this little exercise together (but seperate). No negatives can be said at all, just focus on the positives. Go into different rooms and write it down on paper. Once yall are both finished come together and talk about it, together.



Have you sat down together and discussed it when your not in the middle of another fight?

hi..thanks much to you and your wife for taking the time to go over my dilemma.Makes me envy such a marriage and wonder why i can't have a fairy tale of my own.. well i know we have to work on marriage..as the saying goes, "Life is short but marriage is long.." ever since my last post, i was noticing some changes in my husband..i'm even suspecting a 3rd party brewing on the side..i've seen pictures on his computer about him and a young (25 y/0) (I'mreally not that old..just 31.. ) co worker--actually his subordinate bec he's a head of a certain department in their company..as i was saying, the pictures were kind of intimate, this girl resting hishead on my hubby's shoulders, or of the two of them sitting down together and the girl's arms resting relaxingly on my dear hubby's thighs... i may just be seeing too much or my judgment may just be clouded but I din't like what i saw.. this happened last year, i reprimanded him but just last week, i discovered pictures of them again after november of last year, the latest being just last june..which leads me to believe that he didn't heed my request for him to act like a married guy! what more, he hides his phone, puts it in his pocket even when he sleeps!!! we talked about the said pictures but he assured me that if ever he gets into an affair, he will be upfront about it and tell me directly..quite an assurance huh? I'm really hurting, the pain and anger that i'm feeling is just too much.. over the past few days, i'm seeing some positive changes in him, he even apologized for theway that he has been treating me, for being harsh and rude...i was ecstatic!! but his mood swings from being gentle to being rude and insulting. i just had our second baby last year, he's barely one year old and i'm tied to the house with the two kids thereby putting the strain of the finances on him..but he makes it a point to make me feel that I should go back to work and not just depend entirely on him, well i know that! but i'm stuck with the kids! i want to preserve this family but i'm nearing the end of my rope.. i'm just emotionally, psychologically and nearly sexually abused and tired---. But I know this will come to pass... and about jotting down the things that we hate and like about each other...not a chance.. he's not into confrontations or clariffications.. his fave line is I DON'T CARE! DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO AND I'LL DO WHAT I NEED TO DO"... Oh I so love the man but I'm afraid i'm not loving myself any longer..I don't want to loose my self but I don't want to loose him as well or the dream of a happy'complete family..
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Old 07-18-2010, 06:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is it about your spouse...?

I thought this exercise would be a wonderful idea to share.

unfortunately my husband can only think of 5 positive things about me.

*insert married with children theme*

awesome that you and your wife can manage to do that for eachother.
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