stumblealong

Hi all- Is it just me or is facebook becoming a huge part of divorces today? I am pretty much a loner in this world, but even in my small social circle, there have been 3 relationships broke up over facebook! Years ago when it became popular, i had been asked by friends and co-workers to join. I discussed this with my man and he absolutley refused to let me join. He didn't want people from my past contacting me, ect. Fine, i respected that and i know his insecurities, so i never joined and never really gave it another thought until about 2mos ago, i overheard him & his son talking and son mentioned his dad's facebook page and some pics that were on it. I did not let him know i knew and went ahead and looked on facebook. What i saw made me so angry! He had joined about 8mos before i had found out, and he had 80 'friends' on there, about 65 of them women, ex-grilfriends, and some other skanks he knew i couldn't stand! But, aside from that, i was MORE upset that he denied me the right to get on there, yet turned around and did it himself!

When i confronted him about it he told me it was nothing, that they were just his contacts and he didn't communicate w/ any of them. When asked why he did it, he stated his family was exchanging old pics of themselves and he wanted to be a part of that. Ok, so why didn't you just tell me that, instead of hiding it from me I'm not an unreasonable person, so when i said this, his response "because that would give you the right to get on there and I don't want you to"

Well, I couldn't get access to all his info until he accepts ME as a 'friend' so i really don't know all that was on there, because the day it was confronted he deleted his acct before i got home!

Am i being unreasonable to think this sounds fishy? Was he being unfaithful? Why was it ok for him to be on there and not me? I'm not a nag, so after the initial "you jerkface" tirade i went on, i accepted his word and dropped it. But, i don't want to wake up one day w/ an STD or something and think 'how did this happen?' I'm sure this will be in my mental 'clipboard' for any future events that may arise.

Watching a friend of mine become devastated only a few mos ago by facebook infidelity sometimes makes me think it's EVIL! but, connecting w/ lost relatives and friends SHOULD'T be evil! But, look what it's doing to relationships.
Any thoughts?
-stumble

Crypsys

Hmm, I don't think facebook is a cause at all, just a vector. In this case it's not the tail wagging the dog. There isn't anything inherently wrong or evil about it. I think if someone is unhappy in a relationship they will find any way to connect with someone. My wife and I both have active facebook accounts and we both do have a few ex's on it. I actually have an ex that I am still good friends with. She was never "the one" and has always just been a friend (I've known her 15 years now).

My wife and my trust with each other goes so far (some may say it's stupid) that we don't know nor have ever asked for each others passwords, etc.

nice777guy

I think it makes cheating a lot easier. Have seen stats that 25% of divorce cases site FB as a reason.

stumblealong

Wow!! amazing stats! I know facebk isn't 'evil' but it does seem to dangle the 'forbidden fruit' in front of people. I know everyone says there must be some problem in the relationship in order for FB to become a source for infidelity, but what if FB becomes the only prob? Does anyone out there think that maybe a person who doesn't have 'cheating tendencies' find themselves tempted by a contact of maybe 'the one that got away' kind of thing. They could be happy in their relationship, but this other person suddenly shows up and the temptation just takes over? The 'unfinished business' they had w/ the fb connection becomes a need that just has to be explored????? I say this because this was an excuse someone used for the affair that started on fb.

Crypsys

That doesn't make sense to me. That's akin to saying that I would never have shot that guy if someone had never invented guns. I mean the tendency to kill was there, the gun was just the excuse.

I cannot believe at all that facebook would ever CAUSE someone to cheat. If a person is completely happy with their relationship nothing would cause them to cheat. Facebook is just an excuse a person uses who doesn't want to admit their mistake.

It DOES make it more available for people to reconnect, yes. But so does the phone, google, Instant Messenger, etc. But again, that prior motive has to be there in the first place.

greeneyeddolphin

My boyfriend and I both have Facebook, and for us, there are no issues from it. We trust each other, we have friended each other on there, and we both know that even a hint of dishonesty will be the end of things.

With that said, I don't believe FB is the cause of any divorce. It may be the method by which a deceptive spouse is caught, it may be something that adds to tension already existing from other causes, but I don't believe the site itself is causing divorces.

As for your specific situation, I don't know that I'd jump to a conclusion that he's cheating. Actually, if I were in your shoes, I'd be more upset that he wants to pull a "I can do it, but you can't" kind of thing on me. I've always felt that my boyfriend and I are equals, and therefore whatever he can do, I can do, and vice versa. And if he tried to tell me otherwise, without a very valid reason, I'd do it just to show him I am an adult and can make my own decisions and that he cannot control me. I would not tolerate being treated that way.

The thing for me, though, is that I don't generally ask for permission to join websites. And at the same time, he doesn't generally try to tell me I can or can't be on one. There was one instance where he made clear that a website I was on did not make him happy. I left that site out of respect for him, but it was my choice, it was not a matter of he ordered me to.

I don't know your relationship , so I can't say what you should do here. I know, in my relationship, I would just create an account and tell him that since he has one, so can I. But that's what I would do, and I know how my boyfriend would react to that. I don't know if that would be a good thing for you to do or not.

stumblealong

Nice analogy crypsys I see what you are saying and that makes sense. My friends H said that had he never been contacted by this person, he would have NEVER cheated, and in the 14+yrs they been together never even thought of it (supposedly). So, really it wasn't fb, if she had contacted him by phone, the same results would of happened, i'm sure.

So, aside from my friend(s), probs w/ fb, what do you think of my man getting on there but denying me the right? Then immediately deleting his acct when i found out? If he would of just told me then we both could of joined and i would of given him access to everything so he wouldn't feel insecure. He did not give me that option. Do you think he has something to hide?
-stumble

stumblealong

Hi atruckersgirl, thanks for the input. I don't really think he is cheating, but why was he hiding it and delete it so quickly? Maybe they were just talking dirty or somethin?

My guy is very insecure and jealous because ex gf's had cheated (one of whom was on his fb contacts!). I asked him if i culd join fb, bacause i knew the problems it would caused if i had just joined w/out letting him know. He was very adamant about me not joining, even after i told him he could have all access and have his own acct. Did not go for it. It wasn't an important subject to me, until i found out about him doing exactly what he did not want me to do! He apologized and said he was very wrong in what he did, but he just didn't want me on there because he is afraid of losing me to someone else.
-stumble

greeneyeddolphin

This goes beyond insecurity and jealousy. Both my boyfriend and I have been cheated on and lied to in past relationships. We both have trust issues, for sure. What he's doing is trying to control you.

I don't know how he'd react, so you'd have to think on this and decide if it's a good idea or not, but he doesn't want you on there because he's afraid of losing you to someone else. You could point out to him that every time you go to work, to the library, the grocery store, the kids school, to gas up the car, you see and meet people. Keeping you off this one website doesn't change that. He can't wrap you in bubble wrap and keep you from seeing and meeting other people. He has to trust you, just as you have to trust him.

Amplexor

People who want to cheat will cheat. Some one in a happy and solid relationship would likely not just flip when they meet some one on the Internet. However if there are problems in the marriage FB can be a conduit for temptation to flow. Even if they are just "a little" unhappy. It should also be noted there are predators in the cloud just looking for a vulnerable spouse. The Internet, FB, IM, Cell Phones have brought great services for us to use but can be just as nefarious to a relationship. They can make establishing, maintaining and hiding an affair easier than it ever has been before. The former "trip to the store for milk" which was used for a quick call from the pay phone is replace by an anywhere, anytime call from a cell phone when the spouse is not around. The Internet, FB, Classmates and a host of others make it easier to look up old friends and flames and sadly in some instances it rekindles old feelings or jades one's view of their spouse. But the technologies we have today have not caused the divorce problems we see. There is still personal responsibility. Someone reached out, someone escalated the contact, someone took it one step to far, someone started flirting, someone suggested a rondevu, someone didn't stop it when they knew they should..... FB and the Internet don't cause affairs, people do, but they can make facilitating one much easier.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

AFEH

If you want to cut some meat a kitchen knife is a good tool to use. If you want to harm someone a kitchen knife is a good tool to use. A kitchen knife is a tool and can do good and bad things, just depends on the intent of the person using it. Facebook is a tool and can do good and bad things, just depends on the intent of the person using it. Your husband demonstrated his intent to you when he deleted his account. If his intent was good, he’d have had no reason to delete it. I’m surprised, you’re a woman and you don’t know that.

Why on earth did you feel you needed to ask your husbands permission to set up a facebook account?

Bob

Crypsys

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Either you both don't have accounts, or you both do, not this one can but one can't crap. Honestly I know if I tried doing that to my wife she'd tell me off in no uncertain terms (which she would have every right to do).

CLucas976

I have honestly never had a problem with facebook.

My husband knows my log in, and password, I know his, and we're both friends on there and we share many mutual friends.

there are friends that he has that I don't like him having, but he doesn't communicate with them, they sent him requests and he accepted.

I don't read into it, I don't throw in assumptions, I'm even friends with one of his exs (the only real significant one, and go figure, we get a long pretty well)

I think if your husband joined for the reason he said he did, and I'd believe that, no concern. He deleted it because it upset you.

My husband had a youtube account that he was using to look at *****s for "self help" purposes, (best way to phrase that action) I found it, said something to him, and he deleted it, problem solved.

Facebook isn't a doomsday, how people choose to use it is. The gun comparison is perfect. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. I wouldn't fret about it, if its a big deal, check up from time to time and see if he restarted one, chances are he just deleted the account because it justifiably upset you, and theres no reason to worry.

Nooneknowsme

I personally dont care for fb when it comes to relationships. To me its just another way for two people to get in contact with each other...old flings...ex romances etc.. I personally feel if it was meet for us to stay in contact/ or be together we would be in contact now.I have seen where fb can be a problem in a number of relationship. For example women leaving men messages on their page such as "miss you" or "wink" or "GM" on an everyday basis. Some women do it on purpose knowing that that person has a partner/ and men vice versa. I had to set my ex-boyfriend straight at one time, becasue the messages he was leaving on my page presumed that him and I were in a relationship even though they were just friendly. Personally me and my bf are not friends for that specific reason. Even though message could honestly be unintentionally it still sends a wrong message to your partner.

If you are using FB as a social tool which is what it is intend for then your okay. But some many people abuse it.

Now a days cheating is so easy becasue communicating with that person is easy...text messages, email, fb inbox, phone im. Back in the day before my time all you had was a house phone. No called ID, no 2way. Which made it harder to cheat. Not that it didnt happen it just didnt happen as often as now.

Nooneknowsme

I agree with everything AFEH says. But once again why do you have to get his permission to get a page. Now if its a mutal agreement for both parties not to have one then thats understable. But if you want one and he doesnt then do you.