Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!
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Old 07-18-2010, 03:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

I have posted another thread about my going to counseling with my wife. I am stuck on one thing and really having a hard time with it. My wife is just not into me. She loves me and wants to be around me and be married to me. But right now she is just so reluctant to declare any attraction to me at all.

Our sex life which has always been poor - the sex is good for us both but it only happens a few times a month. I am good shape and have not changed much since we married. We are both in our late 30s.

She just cannot bring herself to declare anything about me sexy. Or compliment my looks or anything. If I tell her she is beautiful or something like that she will say something like I love your nice hugs. I always have to initiate sex and she is usually not interested.

She is not cheating and promises not interested in someone else. I believe her completely.

I am really going crazy over this as it sucks. I am not going to leave her or anything like that but am I crazy. She states that she just needs some time and no pressure. The counselor we are seeing has suggested this often happens in marriages and we can work through it.

What do you all think? Could you handle this?
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Here's the problem: It's never going to change. It never did for my me, never did for any of the hundreds of husbands on this site complaining of the same thing, and I'm afraid it never will for you.

Your wife lied to you and now you are stuck for the rest of your life without someone who wants to hold you, kiss you, be intimate with you, to love you. I'm going to get reamed for this, but you need to find that affection elsewhere. Stay married to the person that loves you like a sibling, but find someone who desires you elsewhere. Before it's too late. Before your old and bitter instead of just bitter.

You only get ONE shot at life, and you were cheated out of a big part of it. Forever.
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Does your counselor even know what turns on a woman?

Check my blog out linked below, you may find some answers there.
__________________
The Mindful Attraction Plan
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Old 07-18-2010, 10:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Well wow that is a high level of attraction. I have always found my wife attractive and she clearly and often stated her attraction to me - even if sex was not that frequent even in those days.

The part I dont get is how some woman can just turn off their sex drive. I know I am not a turn off. I am almost the same exact size as when we met 15 years ago - I still have all my hair - I am not a model but I always get looks from women....always.

Go figure>
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Old 07-18-2010, 11:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Your wife has a few critical issues with you that are killing her desire:
1. She believes you are totally "caught" in her web. So you are absolutely no challenge to her at all.
2. She feels that generally your reaction to being shut down is one of anxiety and fear. Not anger.
3. She is confident that YOU are not strong enough to deprioritize her and focus on other activities that make you happy and leave her hungry for more of your time.
4. You are WAY too serious when you talk to her about this stuff. These conversations need to be light hearted and playful while that the same time they are serious.



Quote:
Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband View Post
Well wow that is a high level of attraction. I have always found my wife attractive and she clearly and often stated her attraction to me - even if sex was not that frequent even in those days.

The part I dont get is how some woman can just turn off their sex drive. I know I am not a turn off. I am almost the same exact size as when we met 15 years ago - I still have all my hair - I am not a model but I always get looks from women....always.

Go figure>
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

I do like responses but damn some of you seem to know so much from so little. First off she has an orgasm every single time we have sex. She always enjoys it but that memory seems to fade. Like too many women she just often prefers a book and cuddle and all that. For her attraction is something that is not sexual I guess.

I just hate the whole get her in the mood thing. We had a good big talk to today which she stated that she is still in love with me and does find me attractive but that is just not how she is to say it. It is like some type of mental telepathy I am supposed to posses. She goes on well I just dont get what you want is this just sex. Well yes sex but damn I want to feel some passion some desire. Hell in bed I do all the damn work - which I love but makes me wonder. Are all these women like my wife submissive in bed.
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Let me forewarn you.... it gets worse with kids.... so....think about it....

I totally agree with Mem11363, she has no fear of losing you, she knows you are 200% into her and if she doesn't feel like giving it to you... too bad....

What you need to do is switch things up on her.... Maybe go a few days without it, make her wonder why you don't want it. Maybe she'll actually attempt some action from you and YOU deny her for once and say you are too tired or reading a great book....maybe later...

When you go out and women check you out, make sure she sees this... maybe she needs to feel a little bit threatened and be reminded that there's a lot of competition out there.
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Old 07-20-2010, 01:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

I can only speak from my experience with my ex. Heard exactly the same thing for the last year or so of our marriage. Was absolutely convinced she wasn't cheating. Just the "I'm not attracted to you" junk and the "you just want me for sex" BS.

So eventually she left me... Turns out she was cheating on me. With a guy that just wanted her for sex.

Here's the deal. The women on these forums are maybe going to get mad at me for this. I love my wife. I respect my wife. I would walk through fire for her. But I'm a guy. Sometimes I get physically turned on by her and just want her for sex. Sometimes. And that's OK. There's nothing wrong with having lust in a committed relationship and there's nothing wrong with being human! Doesn't mean I can disrespect her or our marriage in any way... but doesn't invalidate the lust I feel for her too.

I'm not ashamed to be a man who's hot for his wife.
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Old 07-20-2010, 01:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband View Post
Hell in bed I do all the damn work - which I love but makes me wonder. Are all these women like my wife submissive in bed.
Does she do all the work in other aspects of the marriage? Ask her how she'd feel if the romance/affection work that you do stops. If you're not doing that work to begin with, maybe there's an answer there. Don't know for sure.
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Update -

She is finally beginning to act as if attracted to me. She has said some nice things but they are very passive and usually in response to things I have stated. She is really playing her role as "I am just not that type of person". But is coming around to me a bit as I have told her I am not a mind reader.

We have even had some nice lovemaking sessions. She had great orgasms as normal and so did I this time. I do wish she lusted for me like I do her and that she was bit more active in the bed - no, she does not just lay their but I am the dominant one and she just follows my lead etc. That is still fun but once again it always puts me in the role of choosing the position and mood etc. for the encounter. This is a problem she does not realize because sometimes I will be too slow and soft for her taste that day or I will be too rough and verbal and aggressive for another.

But she even states that she is just not comfortable being the aggressive one or the one to take charge at all sexually. I just wish she would be more verbal and clear of what she wants before or during sex instead of just leaving that up to me.

But hey I read about guys on here that rarely get laid or are not attracted to wife and guess I should not complain. Thinking about her right now makes me horny. Wish I could go crawl back in bed and sneak in a quickie before kids get up....but that has never happened...oh well maybe someday.
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Old 07-30-2010, 03:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Update -

So last night I made a move and was rejected. We had not had sex in about 5 days and I also could see she was not busy with any of her projects that she gets wrapped up in and I went through the whole check list of NOs (tired - no, headache - no, 8 day period - no) the list is pretty long.

So anyway I was not nice at all and got super grumpy and said some mean things. I just sort of lost it. I feel bad about it.

So we talked later and I apoligized for the mean words but told her I just have to have sex more than 1-2 per month. She counters with she hates me asking for it (which I do about 5 times a month when I think it might be agreed to). Her solution is that I am never to ask for it and then she thinks maybe things will improve. I am so doubtful about that as she has initiated only a few times in the last 13 years.

Please dont advise me to read a book or try to become more attractive etc. I am in good shape and work out far more than she does. The being nice guy all the time does not work, being distant does not work, nothing seems to work.

My guess is not asking her may help things a bit. But still not so thrilled with the idea of sex so infrequently forever. Makes me resent her and not want to do stuff for her at all.
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Old 07-30-2010, 03:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Read this thread..

Not politically correct, but how I feel.
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Old 07-30-2010, 04:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

I am done reading books and I am done with the whole non-sexual communication. I have been doing that for the entire time period of our marriage.

I am just going to live asexually like she does for as long as I can. Just going to do my best to be nice but find excuses to be away from her as much as possible. The hard part is going to be to keep being nice the whole time but I will try hard. I am not planning on leaving but this marriage will be no bed of roses for her either if she thinks it is ok to just have sex the 1-2 times a month that she wants to.

Please no more books or links or go hold her hand bull****. I have done that for years and years and I am starting to think some women just have no damn sex drive at all.
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Old 07-31-2010, 09:08 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

Well we shall see. We are in marriage counseling already and this has been brought up by me and I am going to make sure it is discussed again. My fear is that my wife plays the whole it is my body and if I don't want to then I just don't want to. How do you argue with that? I am not a member of the Taliban.

My comeback is just going to be that our marriage will never work properly if something I want/need is constantly denied. She has already crossed the bridge saying she is attracted to me and in love with me. I just think her definition of a happy marriage involves hugs and kisses and holding - which we have always done lot of and very little sex.

Again she always has an orgasm and always says she enjoyed sex after its over. Why is sex viewed as work? Hell I do it all!
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Old 07-31-2010, 10:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife not attracted to me. I am going crazy!

How/when does your wife orgasm? During oral sex? During intercourse?
The solution to the answer could at least partly solve your problem.

Although I admit I am not exactly sure what your complaint is. You seem to be all over the place. You started this thread complaining that you didn't receive the verbal affirmations you desire. Then you later realized that you probably shouldn't complain because you discovered some men don't get sex at all so you should be grateful. Then you turned around to complain that you don't get sex often enough. I have no idea what you want and don't think you know either.
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