I've fought and fought..this is my last stand

hitrockbottom · 06-19-2008, 12:21 PM

I did a lot of thinking, spoke with a few friends, and followed what I was ignoring in my gut. I'm tired of torturing my self.

Here is my letter to my wife....we are not "legally separating" but we did agree to give it time, not be in each others face, let us be alone but still with in the confines of our marriage. Still under one roof.

This is all that I have to offer and if she can't accept it, I know that I have tried. I love you Shelly.

Wife,

I just wanted to share some things that are on my mind that I couldn't get out talking last night. First off I love you, and as I said before I will always love you.

I don't know where we went or how things got to this point Wife. I look at you and I see that you are drained emotionally and mentally. I look at us and I see our bond fading. I hate knowing that if only I could have pulled my head out of my ass long enough to realize what was going on before it got here, we could have tackled it before it got so bad. I wish that you could have came to me and said I don't know what's going on but we are slipping away from each other. But we didn't. Now we have to stop and make a decision. This decision isn't going to be an easy one for us to make. It doesn't have to be made right now, but eventually it will have to be made.

I look at you Wife and I see this person that is confident, strong, determined, and outgoing toward everything but us. I look at me and I see about the same. Why did we hide from each other for so long, so we wouldn't hurt each other. I would rather be hurt knowing that I have done everything in my power to keep you in my life, rather then live blindly and confused not knowing what hit me.

The last week has been the worst for me. I have been up and down with emotions but, I am handling them. Yes I broke down and yeah a few nights I've cried, but that is what is helping me heal. I can't heal if I hold everything in as I always have. I know that you have broken down, and I know that you are trying to figure out what is going on, and I know that with me hounding you and being around every corner you turn isn't helping.

I have started to get back in touch with my faith. My faith in myself, which amazes me the things that I can do. I have confidence coming back. I'm starting to get clarity. I've started to face the problems that I have hidden from for the last year or two. I am willing to face my problems, I am willing to look at my fears and shortcomings and face them. I have also started to renew my faith in god, not in religion, but in my personal savior something I have long since ignored, and one of the few things that are helping me day to day right now.

One thing I am not willing to do is turn my back on this marriage or our relationship of 8yrs, all of which have been the happiest time of my life, the good and bad. I will give you your space, and if that means that I live in the basement and only get to see you here and there, for now. I can do that. If that means that I have to chase you and court you like I did when we started dating, then I can do that. If that means I can still date you, take you to dinners or movies, hold your hand while we are out and slowly work at you letting me back into your heart then I can do that also. I am willing to wait for you, and only you. Like I said last night Wife I hold you Sacred to me. You are the ONLY person that I can fathom(oh yeah using the ol' Vocab) being in my heart or sharing myself(my heart, soul, and body) with. I will still leave you letters, flowers, or little things along the way to let you know that I am still here and thinking about you. I still look at your pictures every night and hold onto what we had, hoping that we can rekindle that passion. I love you and I will never stop loving you. I am taking a step back now, not out of your life, not even to quit being your husband, but a step back so you can sort things out on your end.

One of your friends asked me what self sacrificing that I have done for you, what makes me think that I deserve you? Honestly in my mind I know that I will sacrifice everything for you. In reality I don't feel that I have which is probably part of the reason that we are here. Now is my chance to show you that I am willing to make sacrifices to save this marriage. I can and I will do this, I have to. I have to be able to know that when you make your decision whether you want to accept me for who I am, not who I was this past year or two, but the MAN that I am growing to become. I am going to show you the person that I truly want to be, who I need to be in order to be the husband that I promised god, myself, you, and our families that I would be. Or, and I pray that this is not the route, whether you honestly beyond a shadow of a doubt believe that you can't bear to be by my side, I will know that I gave it my all. I will know that I didn't lay down a quitter, I will know that with every ounce I had that I tried.

It was said that with faith, even the size of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. I have that faith in our marriage and in myself, and I believe that we can make it through this. I believe that, I need you to find out if that is what you want.

One last thing, and I'm sorry this is long. I can't help but thinking that you believe I am holding you back from something. I don't want to do that. There are few things in the world that I can't handle, seeing you disappointed and sad is one of them. Take a chance on me when your ready Wife. Let me know what you are wanting. Tell me where you are going in life. Tell me your dreams and aspirations, and how you want to accomplish them. Then step back and let me make the decision if I want to walk by your side through this. Marriage is about growing, growing together, and growing within yourself. I'm not afraid to face something new, I'm not afraid of venturing into the world I know nothing about, I've done it my whole life. We have done it together, we have faced this world together. Please don't push me away thinking you are protecting me. Please don't give up on me if you don't know what I am willing to do. Please don't "condition yourself to be alone" as you stated, but seek yourself out, seek out what it is going to take to make you happy.

So there it is Wife, I have laid everything I have out for you. This is what I have to offer to you. Take time, watch me, observe me, and make your decision Wife. I pray that you find it to take one last chance on me. To use that last little bit of trust that you have for me, as little as I deserve it, and let me continue this journey by your side. Our love is still there, no its not the infatuation that we had, and it may not be as intense right now, but it is still there. We have so many memories and so tight of a bond, let that be our guide. Look inside yourself and try and find it open a little to me. I will not disappoint you again. I'm not going to slip into this downward spiral that I dragging myself out of. You deserve the world Wife and I have tried with all my being to give that to you and I want to continue to when/if you are ready.

In the mean time I will be here. I'm not running away. I'm not looking for anyone else. I will hold myself for you, and only you until you decide other wise. There will be no other women in my life, I only want to share my mind, body, and spirit with you. I am working making amends for my past and trying to look toward the future, our future. You are the person that I have chosen to spend my life with, where ever that takes us. I will show you that in the following months. If you get to the point where you feel no more emotions for me, or where you feel that you can't take anymore chances on me, or worse...then let me know.

I love you Wife, I love your family, and I love our life that we have together. I may not know how to act, with these new boundaries right now, and I may not get my feelings across verbally, but I do love you. I will hold you close to my heart in our absence from each other, and I will keep you in my prayers. I WILL honor our vows, and stick by your side, I will not falter and I will not fail. If you need to talk to me or if you have something you can't handle let me know. I would like to stay in the boys life through this also, some one has to set a fatherly example for them, and though I haven't in the past I want to. I love them and the last few weeks I've really started to grow close to them. I'm right down stairs if you get lonely at night, or need that cramped rubbed out of your back. If you want to throw down on some games or watch a movie, please don't hesitate calling me. I know things are not back to normal, I know it will be awhile if they are to, but I also know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I will take this one day at a time, please don't shut me out of your heart just yet.

I love you
- Your husband, soulmate, and Lover

draconis · 06-20-2008, 01:10 AM

Please keep us informed to what happens. BTW you shouldn't use her real name here in open forums.

draconis

dbj1971 · 06-20-2008, 02:48 PM

Man,

Your letter made me cry. It sounds like it's coming from a mature man who is willing to do what it takes for his marriage.

If you give this letter to your wife, and she doesn't feel at least some compassion and warmth toward you, if it doesn't soften her toward you just a little, then brother she is blinded by anger or has reached a place of severe hardening of the heart, like Pharaoh in Exodus, in which only God can help her. I hope that's not the case, and that she will have at least some of the positive reaction I did when I read it. She should - she's your wife, for crying out loud; I'm a stranger to you. Your letter is one of the most beautiful things I have read in a long time, probably in my whole life. I can almost feel your pain and your devoted love and sincere longing! I pray that you both get fully back together and have a blessed marriage!

By the way, Draconis, I don't see anything wrong with the man using his wife's first name. I can understand not using the last name, too, but there's probably 10 million or more Shelleys in the United States, and we have no idea of "hitrockbottom's" real name. So, using "Shelly" doesn't really narrow it down enough to give away anyone's identity. Not meaning to be argumentative, but I felt that the first response to this man's heartfelt pain on this thread shouldn't be a rebuke for some technical rule violation; it was out of place.

hitrockbottom · 06-23-2008, 11:50 AM

meh..I spoke w/her about the letter the other morning...She said she read it but really had nothing to say about it. She said to her it was like the other letters(she didn't think it was sincere, and that I was writing it trying to fix things)

So we talked about it. I said I was writing it to fix things, but that it was as sincere as it gets. I told her I didn't expect the letter to make things get better, but for her to have an insight to what I was thinking and how I was feeling.

The first conversation went bad, really deep and painful...she said that she didn't feel lonely w/o me anymore...where as I said that I did. But it was still a talk. And she held my hands looked me in the eye for a second...then gave me the longest hug...Don't know.

Second Conversation still deep and painful but more was put out on the table. I thought about the morning conversation and her saying she wasn't lonely. I realized why, asked her she agreed. Then we spoke about our Views on Divorce, another hard conversation. We both came to the agreement that Divorce wasn't in the picture right now, but that she still wanted space, not good but not bad either...I hate this road and these talks...aaaah.

Then we talked about our friendship and how we could rebuild it or why it hadn't started to be rebuilt. I told her she doesn't treat me as a friend, I pointed out how she acted toward my friends that came into town to visit and then how she acted toward me...good, friendly, flirtatious(all of which is the women I feel in love with) toward my friends(these are my life long friends)...and then toward me she was friendly but stand-off and sorta closed off. She spoke briefly, and acted like she had her defenses up.

She said she doesn't want me to think things are normal. I said I don't..here is what I think:
You love me
Your still hurt and Mad at me
You don't want to get hurt again
Your burying yourself in your friends and family so you don't have to think about our issues.
You still don't have trust in me...Its only been a month.

She agreed to that. I said our relationship isn't going to heal if you keep treating me like this. I referenced the letter tons. She agreed to work on being friendlier toward me and to let her shields down a little.

Then I brought up the REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE conversation....Sex Life.
I told her that I was Very Attractive to her still and that it is hard for me to suppress my Sexual Drive toward her. I said that I haven't touched her in over a month in a half. I asked her how she did it. How she was able to suppress her sexual Desires because I know they are still there.

She tried to leave, and ignore the conversation. I spoke up, I said that this isn't going to help walking away. We are both adults lets act mature about this.

She talked about it she was uncomfortable but talked about it. Said that she had to be emotionally satisfied before she was sexually, as I knew. But since that was one of our topics that was never spoken of then it was good to get it out in the open.
We had about 30 minutes of private conversation about that topic alone...it was good for us. I reassured her that she is the only women/person that I want to be involved with and that I am/will continue waiting for her...I also reminded her that if I overstep my boundaries then she needs to let me know

We also spoke about how I felt toward her friends, and how I still needed to apologize to some of them. I asked if she had a problem w/me calling them up w/o going through her...she seemed surprised and said that she didn't but also said that she wasn't going to get involved with that..Which was good to me seemed as though she is able to separate her friends feelings about me from what she thinks....

All in all...I think it was a productive talk. More was put out and I felt like a little tension between us was lifted.

Oh Yeah I got a Lunch date with her...hehe I felt like a Kid asking her out on a date... She said Ok and we set a time.....

draconis · 06-24-2008, 12:49 AM

good for you!

draconis

hitrockbottom · 06-24-2008, 03:57 PM

It sucks that a person can think they have every thing in the world that they want....but still not be happy. Why is it that I have everything I worked for and I'm still not happy....because I don't have that one person to share it with anymore...I don't have my wife by my side...sure she is in my life but not truely by my side....I pray she can look past our problems and transgressions and one day we can again be partners and be happy in each others presence