Need Advice on saving my marriage
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Old 07-19-2010, 09:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Hey, I'm new here and from what I've read there seem to be a lot of people with good non-judgmental advice and some who have probably even gone through the same thing.

Me and my husband have been together for 6 years (married for 2 of those years), we have a little girl who will be turning 2 next month. It seems that the past 2 years we have been drawn further apart and become distant with each other. We were perfectly fine for 4 years but the problems started once we got married. We got married when I was pregnant so our whole marriage has been about raising a child. We have discussed the issue and my husband feels like he "still loves me but doesn't know if he's in-love with me anymore" , "doesn't know if we have a 'connection' anymore" , and doesn't even know if he "wants to make it work". He says that he's discouraged and not really feeling like we can work since all we did for 2 years was never spend much time together and argue over stupid things.
I am still in love with him and I desperately do want to make it work, I know how in love we were and I know that our love is not dead. I feel like what we went through in 2 years would be a lot for any newlywed couple to go through and that we can't just throw in the towel now that the hardest part is over with.
Since the day we got married, we dealt with me being pregnant, having the baby soon after, taking care of a newborn, he lost his job, we went through a really tough time where we could have lost our house and now we are finally on our feet again. He got a new job that is paying well and we are no longer struggling to pay bills and things seem to be settling to where we can actually afford to go out and spend time together. Literally for 2 years when we were struggling with money, all of our money was going towards bills and food, some bills would have to be late just so that we could afford to eat (and we do not eat out) so we never had money to spend on each other so we could spend time together.

We have talked a lot about this and he has agreed that he wants to make it work but he finds himself not wanting to spend time with me. He's worried that we're not a good match and don't have a 'connection' anymore. I say, we haven't spent enough time with each other for the past 2 years to say that it's completely gone, it's just hiding right now. We have decided to start "dating" again and are trying to find common hobbies that we can enjoy doing together. Does that seem we are on the right track? We are doing weekly date nights, playing soccer together, and running together. We still get our weekly guys and girls night so that makes 2 nights out of every week that we do not spend time together but the other nights we have decided to not close each other of like we had been and enjoy each others company.

and is it weird that since we started talking about these issues that our sex has gotten a lot better, and much more frequently? haha

Also, we are very young, I am 21 and he is 25. Any advice, comments are highly needed. Thank you so much and so sorry for making this so long
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Old 07-19-2010, 09:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Advice on saving my marriage

Get the book the 5 love languages....(no, I do not work for them)... it is very true that he is not in love with you anymore, you are like me and thought that being in love would last for ever.... read it, will make a lot of things clearer for you.

Your marriage does not need to be saved. Your marriage needs to be retuned, it has gone a bit off station... and that is all.... you cannot expect your marriage to stay the same, it will change all the time... the trick is to change yourself with it....
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I have read that book and I loved it, I read it about a year ago and nothing ever came of it because my husband doesn't like to read and didn't want to bother with it. I will bring it up again and since now we are trying harder, maybe he will be more open to reading it.

I did think that being in love would last forever but I also was realistic and expected struggles and never expected us to stay the same, I just didn't let myself get discouraged by our hard times. He was a bit more unrealistic by thinking that even though we were going through a lot that we should have stayed the same as we were before (we actually just discussed this yesterday). Which is why he got discouraged with our marriage and let himself feel like we were "doomed for divorce"

But i see what you are saying, we are different and our marriage needs to adapt to how we are now and not how we were then (?)
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Advice on saving my marriage

Children are very hard on a new marriage. I was pregnant with my oldest when I married my former husband (no, this does not mean you're doomed! My ex was a cheating liar; totally different than your situation). I think the dating and spending time together is a great start. You two need to talk on these dates as well. Don't talk about the bills, and the child, and chores. Talk about life in general; discuss politics, current events, find common interests and hobbies to talk about. Get to know each other all over again. You've gotten married and had a child. Those things change you; they mature you. You're not strangers, exactly, but you are two different people and if you look at each other, expecting the person you used to know, that's where the problems start. You have to realize that you are constantly changing and therefore constantly have to get to know each other.

Also, financial struggles are hard on a relationship, too. Believe me, my boyfriend and I are dealing with that right now, and it makes everything else really hard. So that probably had a lot to do with it as well. Now that your financial situation is improving, other things should as well. Remind him that you guys were struggling financially and that that adds a lot of stress. Ask him to wait a while before making any decisions and to give your marriage another chance now that you don't have that financial problem. With that stress gone, it should be easier not only for you guys to do things together, but also to talk. When money is constantly on your mind, it makes conversation difficult, since that's what you want to talk about but you feel it would be a bad idea.

Consider marriage counseling, too. It can help you get better communication skills, which will help with all of this too. It'll also give you guys a safe, controlled environment to bring up anything that is bothering either of you, so it can be discussed and resolved, instead of lingering in the back of your mind, festering and becoming bigger than it really needs to be.
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Old 07-20-2010, 08:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for the advice. I'm just happy to know that this is a lot for any couple and that we are not just a big failure.

My husband absolutely does not want to do counseling. He is strongly opposed to it...I'm still trying to get him to go but for now, I think we will keep trying what we are doing if it doesn't seem to be working then maybe he will eventually agree to counseling.

I listened to the audio book The Five Love Languages and I'm glad I did, it has helped me yet again to see how easily we can start working on this. (I know it will not be an easy thing to fix but it's not hard to figure out how, I guess is what I'm saying). I have given him the cd and he has agreed to listen to it while he drives to and from work. It may take him a little longer to finish it bc he doesn't have a whole lot of time but I'm happy he's going to give it a try.
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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He has yet to listen to the audio book because he says that on his way to work that he doesn't want to have to focus on listening to a book. He is still opposed to couple's counseling, he is willing to go see a therapist by himself to work out his issues but does not want to do marriage counseling...date nights haven't been weekly like we first started because our sitter bailed but we do make it a point to do something together every weekend out of the house even if our little girl is with us. I can't really tell if he is "trying" he doesn't like to hold hands or hold me while we lay in bed (sometimes he does but i have to ask). He also says that the hasn't really thought much about our situation and still feels the same as he did back in July. It seems as if I'm taking the situation more seriously than he is. He seems to be going with the flow but with the way he is not helping or contributing, the "flow" is going to head us straight to a bad place. I also tried to explain to him that although he doesn't have to "fake" affection towards me that it would be nice for if he is ever feeling affectionate towards me to show me, to let me know because with the way I am feeling (no love) that it's going to be really hard for me to sit around waiting for him. He doesn't like discussing the issue too much because he doesn't like talking too seriously...i dont know what to do anymore.
Not sure if anyone is even going to see this post since this thread is so old but i really just needed to get this off my chest. talk to someone about it, even if it is just an empty thread. heh.

thanks
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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SmallRose, Old post or not, the great thing about this place is that you always have people reading and wiling to offer a few words, if you want them!

So very sorry to hear that you feel you're still dealing with your same situation from the summer. I'm sure that there are many things -- your daughter, job, money, etc. -- that keep you from spending as much time with your husband as you'd like. It may make you feel as though you're going to grow apart if you don't spend more time with him. If you've ready any of my posts, you'll find that I'm going through a similar struggle... I really feel your pain, confusion and struggles!

Have you started doing anything fulfilling for YOU that is not associated with your husband? You mentioned being young and I know from past experience (heck, I know from my experience now at 40!) that it's easy to be sucked into a world where your happiness revolves around your marriage and your child. But you are an individual and you need to be responsible for at least some of your own happiness. And, you know what? Low and behold, you may find your husband being all-of-the-sudden attracted to this "new" woman who is not relying on him for every joy in her life. Counterintuitive as it may seem, you should try to find something you love, just for you, and you may find your husband paying more attention to you than he is now. You'll be more happy, more radiant, and more confident -- none of those are bad things for you, your husband or your daughter. Maybe join a mom's group locally for a weekly meeting? Or checkout the Meetup website for local get togethers that interest you in your area? Or maybe take a class of some type? I'm doing all of these things and it sure is making a difference in my confidence, happiness and my marriage. It may be hard to do, because you're not used to it, but it certainly can't hurt -- and you'll have fun once you start!

He's going to individual counseling now? Are you too? Do you use the same counselor? If so, or if not, maybe you can suggest a single joint session at some point?

Are you doing any activities together these days?
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for your response, I guess I dont really have many hobbies just for me, I'm a stay at home mom so all of my days are spent with my daughter but i do have some interests in yoga/pilates and if my weekend job picks up (it's dead right now lol) then maybe i can afford to take actual classes and not just do them at home. We do have weekly guys night/girls night, mine is on tuesday and his is on wednesday but that has just become very routine lol I do need to take some time out for me, i dont, im not much of a "me time" kind of person.

He has not started counseling since we do not have much money to spend apart from bills but we have agreed that this is something that we will definitely be investing soon (this month or the next), but it will just be him. I have never had any counseling, im a very happy, open, honest person and i love to talk, never really felt the need to talk to anyone else because i've always been able to speak to him about everything (not so much now since he's still sort of withdrawn).

We do some weekend activities by going to see my brother's band perform, dinner (not often bc of money) and just random things. Now that football has started it has taken over our weekends and we usually go to a friends house to watch with our mutual friends. Im not a football fan but going out and spending time in the environment is fun, he doesn't really spend a whole lot of time with me since he is really into the game, i kind of just mingle with friends while we are there. Yesterday was his birthday and we went to a football game (a birthday present from his parents) and it was a lot of fun, even though i dont like the sport, i was excited and supportive because i really wanted him to have a good time and i really wanted him to see that we can still have fun together (one of his complaints was that he finds that he never really wants to spend time with me), we ended up having a lot of fun and over all a good day. Although it did bother me that he really didn't want to hold my hand bc it was "too hot for that" (yes, it was about 94 degrees but i sometimes feels like he always has an excuse to not show affection).

Even though we have been having some fun when we do spend time together, it's so hard to read him bc he shows no signs of anything! No affection or anything....it's so hard. I dont know if he is having fun with ME or if he's just having fun because whatever activity we are doing is fun, you know?
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