Too weak or insecure?
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Old 07-19-2010, 09:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Too weak or insecure?

I'll try to be as objective as I can. My boyfriend and his ex are good friends, as he told me last time.
Personally, I don't feel comfortable about this at all, and I've been telling him this for about 6 months now but he keeps saying the same thing or he said I cannot tell him what to do because this is hurting our relationship, that he loves me and she is past.
Now, even though I still don't like her I'm in a "ok be friends if it makes you happy" mood. So then he keeps me updated with some of their meetings and convos and here I go, mad again.
Last night I told him to show me our old pics, just to find he has an album just for the two of them. Of course it is an album of memories, but I did not dare to ask him to show it to me because I don't want to see if he keeps her naked pics in there too. I felt kinda hurt more because I did not know od the existance of this album. What if he keeps her old underwear as a memory too? (Just joking but you get my point). Instead I asked him why he still had it, and he said as memory.
I cooled down myself a bit, I prayed to Buddha for enlightment and we went to bed. But again, how do I get over him still contacting her and viceversa? I want him happy and I know they are not doing anything stupid, it is just me being a brat, insecure and jealous.. any advice?
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Old 07-19-2010, 09:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

Hmmm....hard to know what to say here. My boyfriend is friends with some of his exes, and I am friends with some of mine. Neither of us has a problem with it because we know those relationships are in the past. Now that's not to say that i don't sometimes feel a bit insecure. One of the exes that he's friends with, he was with for on and off 10 years. So, yeah, every now and then I do kind of wonder about her. But she's in a relationship as well, and she lives many states away. I just remind myself of that, and remind myself that I've heard him talk about me to her, so she knows about me, and therefore I have nothing to worry about.

I guess the first thing you need to do is figure out why you're not comfortable with this. Is this something that you feel in every relationship or is it just this one? If it's how you feel in every relationship, then I'd say the problem is simply your self esteem. Also, do you feel this way about any and all female friends, or just this ex? And is it just this ex or all the exes he's friends with (if there's more than one)?

To me, there's really nothing wrong with keeping mementos and memories from a past relationship. He wouldn't be the man you love without those relationships; you wouldn't be the woman he loves without your past relationships. And sometimes it's nice to pull out an old photo album and look at a picture of an ex and think, "You know, X was so much fun. We always had so much fun doing Y together." And then you think about why you have so much fun with your current partner, or you remember why you and X broke up and it makes you feel so much better about your current partner. If he's looking at the album all the time, then there might be a problem, but it's mere existence, to me, is not something to worry about.
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Old 07-19-2010, 01:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by atruckersgirl View Post
Hmmm....hard to know what to say here. My boyfriend is friends with some of his exes, and I am friends with some of mine. Neither of us has a problem with it because we know those relationships are in the past. Now that's not to say that i don't sometimes feel a bit insecure. One of the exes that he's friends with, he was with for on and off 10 years. So, yeah, every now and then I do kind of wonder about her. But she's in a relationship as well, and she lives many states away. I just remind myself of that, and remind myself that I've heard him talk about me to her, so she knows about me, and therefore I have nothing to worry about.

I guess the first thing you need to do is figure out why you're not comfortable with this. Is this something that you feel in every relationship or is it just this one? If it's how you feel in every relationship, then I'd say the problem is simply your self esteem. Also, do you feel this way about any and all female friends, or just this ex? And is it just this ex or all the exes he's friends with (if there's more than one)?

To me, there's really nothing wrong with keeping mementos and memories from a past relationship. He wouldn't be the man you love without those relationships; you wouldn't be the woman he loves without your past relationships. And sometimes it's nice to pull out an old photo album and look at a picture of an ex and think, "You know, X was so much fun. We always had so much fun doing Y together." And then you think about why you have so much fun with your current partner, or you remember why you and X broke up and it makes you feel so much better about your current partner. If he's looking at the album all the time, then there might be a problem, but it's mere existence, to me, is not something to worry about.
Thanks a lot for your point of vew. I saw it as a memory too, I just felt excluded from his things, because he kept it under a password and ihe opened it by accident while we were looking for our album then gave me lots of excuses..
I try to b open minded and he always talks about his exes and I'm ok but it is only this one whom I have the issue with. She has a bf, but is dating other guys on the side so .. it doesn't make me thing she is that kind of respectable girl. Also, she tried to convince my bf to go back together when she knew we were dating already, and she still gets mad when she invites him out and he says he will be with me on that date. Am I right to be kind of mad?
In other hand I don't keep any memories from exes because I see it as useless and pointless, not to mention over.
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Old 07-19-2010, 03:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

I'm going to be relatively brutal here.

In my history, ex's aren't good news if they're still around and not in a casual way. For either partner. Ok, maybe you run into them once in a while or drop the occasional email once in a blue moon but a continuing thing for me spells unresolved/unclosed relationships.

The mementos don't matter, everybody has a history that they may want to remember.

You're not married yet. Do you really want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life? Or would it be better to say "I love you but I think you need to explore your feelings with your ex without me in your way?" and walk away with a clear head?
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Old 07-19-2010, 05:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

Marduk, I disagree. Well, sort of. I agree that there are *some* ex relationships that the continuing contact/friendship is an indication of unresolved stuff, but not always. The ex that I am still good friends with - absolutely nothing there. We are just friends, nothing more. We talk every now and then, usually about our current relationships, otherwise about politics or current events or whatever, but there are no lingering feelings. And although I cannot sit here and tell you exactly how my boyfriend feels, I do feel safe in saying that it is probably the same for him. I know he's with me now and he wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to be.

With that said, for Anya, does he keep everything (or at least some other things ) under a password? I know my boyfriend is a major computer geek, and he has passwords on EVERYTHING. I swear, if he could put a password on our sex life, I think he would. lol And if your boyfriend is like that, then I wouldn't be too concerned. If this is the only thing he has a password on, I still wouldn't worry necessarily, but I would question him about it. Don't be accusatory, but just say "Hey, this has kind of been in the back of my mind, and I'm just wondering why you password protected her album but nothing else on the computer. Can you tell me?" and see what he says. If you really feel there's something hinky going on, I always say go with your gut. Talk to him and tell him what you think and what you feel and gauge his reaction. If you continue to feel that way even after talking to him, then I would take marduk's advice and suggest he take some time to figure out his feelings for her without you there.
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Old 07-19-2010, 05:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

My husband and I had an agreement: no contact with ex's. Even the guy I was "with" online was considered an ex and I cut off all contact with him.
I don't see the point of "being friends" with ex's, especially when you're committed to someone else. You had a thing, broke up, they're in the past so leave them in the past.

Were they friends before you came along? I got the feeling he's being honest about it and he's telling you what they do, but still, an ex is an ex. Spending SOME time together is OK but not a lot and your bf seems to be doing that pretty often?
Were they in a long term serious relationship that he needs to keep "memories" of her? Clearly he still cares about her...I don't know in what way, maybe friendly or romantic but he seems to care.

My husband lied to me about his ex, he deleted all her pictures from his computer but I saw them in photo albums. Ok she was a really serious GF and they had pics with his parents and all so it didn't really bother me.

But when I found pictures of another ex, making out, it hurt my feelings a bit because it felt as if they were kissing in front of me. I did get over that, but we were married for just 1 month when I saw them and the worst part is he lied to me. Said he had formatted his computer a long time ago and he didn't look what pics he saved on cd's, but their make out pics were on the same cd as MY pics so...

Anyway, try contacting one of your ex boyfriends, and tell your bf you're just friends. See how he reacts lol
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Old 07-19-2010, 08:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

Well they don't go out often since my bf works all day long 6/7 and as lo.ng as I know they've been out max 4 times since they broke up BUT she keeps asking him out for coffee, or even to look for a car for her. Why doesn't she ask one of her lovers or bf but she has to come and bother mine? I hate her from my gut.
And the fact my bf allows this makes me even more mad. I've been tolerating this for months now but I won't tolerate it forever.
I think I'll try what cherrypie said: no exes involved!
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Old 07-20-2010, 02:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

I don't talk to any of my exes. For me it is simply disrespectful, unless he has a reason to talk with her (children, still settling financial dispute, etc...). I guess some people can be friends with their exes, but if it makes their partner uncomfortable they probably should decide who is more important.
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Old 07-20-2010, 12:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

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Originally Posted by atruckersgirl View Post
Marduk, I disagree. Well, sort of. I agree that there are *some* ex relationships that the continuing contact/friendship is an indication of unresolved stuff, but not always. The ex that I am still good friends with - absolutely nothing there. We are just friends, nothing more. We talk every now and then, usually about our current relationships, otherwise about politics or current events or whatever, but there are no lingering feelings.
I think we're saying the same thing... I think an occasional, casual, "how are you" kind of thing is fine. If you don't push it too far and would be willing to include the other person.

I was relatively harsh because she's not married yet... if there's signs of an unresolved relationship here it's better in my opinion to resolve that before moving forward. My favorite advice to unmarried friends who are dating is to remind them that in many ways this is going to be the best it's ever going to get. Not in terms of commitment or deep love but in terms of stress-free fun relationship time. If it's already stressed out maybe it's time to move on rather than getting 5 years down the road, being married, having kids, and then figuring it out.
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Old 07-20-2010, 12:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

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I don't talk to any of my exes. For me it is simply disrespectful, unless he has a reason to talk with her (children, still settling financial dispute, etc...). I guess some people can be friends with their exes, but if it makes their partner uncomfortable they probably should decide who is more important.


I think if you 'run' into an ex, it is fine to chat it up for awhile, but to regularly bring this person into a current relationship creates probs for MOST people. It would create big probs in my relationship, for both sides.
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Old 07-21-2010, 02:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too weak or insecure?

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Why doesn't she ask one of her lovers or bf but she has to come and bother mine? I hate her from my gut.
That right there is the problem. You are (right or wrong) insecure and jealous. Personally, my ex-bf was the best man at our wedding, and I was his wife's maid of honor at theirs. Mike and I were friends for several years after we broke up and before each of us got married. My husband and I are friends with another ex (with whom I've been friends since I was 16 and dated briefly about 10 years ago). I have another ex that I still keep in infrequent touch with, and my H has met him, too. hell, the ex's band opened for my husband's band last winter. :P

My husband has a cordial relationship with his ex-wife, and we have hung out with her and her fiance a few times as well.

My point is, it depends on the people and the relationships (all of them) involved. I did not end my relationships with these guys because they did anything wrong or were bad people, I just didn't feel "that way" about them, and so there's been no problem remaining friends.

Personally, I think way too many people get way too bent out of shape about their SOs being friends with members of the opposite sex. But such is our society, I guess. *shrug* My advice would be if you don't think he's carrying a torch for her, what's the big deal? But I can understand why he'd hide stuff from you, knowing you are jealous. If you try just accepting her like you would a guy friend, see if that changes his behavior.
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