4mockingbird

My husband and I have been married 18 years. He is military and returned from Afghanistan in Mar 09. We had some big problems when he was there and although he promised to get us into counseling upon his return it never happened.

Jump forward to present. A few months ago I noticed him cutting himself off from me. If I went and sat with him in the front room, he would go to the back room, and vice versa. I noticed that he was on the computer more and was keeping his phone on him 24/7. On our 18th anniversary I caught him on the side of the house on his phone. I comfronted him, asked him if there was someone else. He said "no" but told me he no longer wanted to be married and that he didn't care about me. He told me he was unhappy for a long time. When I asked him why he never told me, all I got was a shoulder shrug.

That very night, I caught him checking his cell phone in the middle of the night. I checked the phone records the next day and found that he called/texted this phone number almost 4,000 times over a two month period (when I look back on it, the same time he started to pull away). I found out that he had been speaking to an old neighbor from when he was growing up. She is also married and has a child. He said she was "just a friend" and that he would end the relationship. I got blamed for all the problems he says we had and got blamed for over reacting. I checked his FB page and saw posts where he said "he was the happiest he has been in his life," "that looking at the past was painful, the future scary, but next to him was his best friend."

When I found out about the EA, I asked him to go to counseling so that we could get past this. He refused. He gave me mixed signals for the next week by going out with me, holding hands, and having sex. Little did I know, but during that time, he had already filed for divorce. I was served a few days later.

He is determined to get out of the marriage, quickly. He filed for sole custody of the kids, the house, no spousal support (even though I have been a SAHM for 16 yrs). He was only willing to give me most of the furniture/decor and half of his military retirement (which won't happen until next year). I am also in the middle of medical treatment for injuries sustained in a car accident last OCt and will lose my medical coverage when the divorce is final.

The phone calls/texts ended but he was still sneaking around on the computer and I know he has G-mail that he uses. She has not filed for divorce from her husband.

I am so stressed from having him in the house sneaking around to talk to her. He thinks I am going to lie down and let him get over on me, and I am not. I have myself and my children to think about. Our arguing is starting to escalate and we still have 5 weeks to our court date.

I don't know what to do anymore. I was trying to be nice to him for the sake of the kids but it is getting harder and harder each day.

Wisp

I answered your other post with the same note below:****

There is a way forward for you

Firstly you need to think of YOU

Look after yourself, eat well, exercise and keep your mind clear. Try limiting the anxiety and stress.

Lets start..

At this stage do not accept the divorce,

NO do not let your kids go –make it clear you will fight him tooth and nail for them. They must not move out of the house and nor must you.

Make sure you have a good lawyer to protect your interests.

Next - Do you want to remain married and do you love your husband.

If yes steps are..

Stop the affair then work on the marriage.

Kill this affair; he has jumped very quickly so you need to do a couple of things as soon as:-. Let his family know he is in an affair. Let the OW’s husband know (he may already know based on your note). Tell his Senior Officer or HR team at his base camp he is having and affair. You will need a certain amount of evidence so gather what you can. Tell his friends. Expose this.

Do not be emotional, angry, or let any bad behaviours slip in when you are doing this. It is hard but keep composed. You are doing this because you love your husband and want to fight for the marriage.


This will be a long journey..

Assume your husband moves out, make sure you have the children and he pays sufficient funds to you to maintain your family.

Wait, be patient, carry on with life, do some soul searching and try to understand what you need to do to make things better in your marriage, there are always two sides to a story, act on these changes it is for your benefit.


from another post it states the position of your husband

"He is caught up in what is generally referred to as "the fog". All of the positive traits in his affair partner, and all of the negative traits in you are over-amplified. Of course he believes that this is the woman of his dreams. She is the person that can save him from the misery, pain, and confusion that his life has become. It's self delusion. So on that front - yes, he is acting like an infatuated high-schooler instead of a married man and father with all of the responsibilities that go with it."


Post as often as you like.