GAsoccerman

Yep as Drac said, and I said earlier...

He HAS to be into it, 110% if not it will only be a problem down the line.

Keep talking about it and bring it up. Talk it over with him.

I told my wife she can invite Shania twain over anytime She said sure no problem, why don't you invite Brad Pitt over as well....I told here ....Deal.

justean

well the lastest. shania twain is divorcing her husband , s officially single and from gossip collumns, brad pitt and ange living separate lives. so your dream just might come true.

bhappy3

Why does he have to be into it 110% when I don't have to be into his hunting and softball (which takes time and sex from me) at all %????? How fair is that?? So basically what I'm hearing is that it's ok for him to eat away at our marriage gradually, but it's not ok for me to fulfill my needs immediately???????

His hunting and softball are an obsessive lifestyle for him, but the family suffers as well. EVERYTHING revolves around those things. And the more I fight it and complain about it, the worse it gets. So that's acceptable?? My heart tells me not.

Thanks Justean... I'm not jealous about other women. He's not going anywhere. It would take time from his obsessions. The grass was greener on the other side when we had another woman in the picture. The sex between he and I was phenominal. I'm sure it would be the same for me with another man. But for some reason, when it comes to my satisfaction, he gets pissed off about it. Fair?

You see, for 12 years I was denied sex when I wanted it. It was always on his terms. I would approach him and he'd deny me, but then 20 minutes later he'd be ready and I was supposed to forget the pain of being denied and just do it. Well, the pain got to be too much for me. I finally hit a spot where I decided I'm not asking him for sex anymore. I would rather deal with the flames in my pants than the pain that he can inflict just by walking away from me. So this hurts pretty bad now too b/c I do not approach him for sex. He wonders how he's supposed to know that I want it. I can't answer that b/c I can't let him know b/c I'm afraid of denial again. I have slipped up a time or two and asked for it. The last time it happened, of course you can guess what he did... uh, not now, my dad is coming over soon. (it took his dad an hour to get here, he never just comes over in two minutes). So now what? A marriage isn't supposed to be like this!! I'm not supposed to be scared to approach him for sex!!! So now I've opened up a whole new jar of worms by not asking for sex... so many new dimensions I'm not familiar with. I guess basically I don't care anymore. I'm not actively pursuing anything with anyone else, but if something creeps up, I'm not going to stop it.

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GAsoccerman

justean, I'm working on the shania twain situation she has a open invite to my house Apparently so does brad pitt

Bhappy so does he have a brother at all? I wonder what would happen if you flirted with his brother or friend, or wore a see through top when they were around...lol

bhappy3

No brother and no friend that I would do anything with... they're all married. There is one guy that I wanted to do it with, but he's now got a g/f. Hmm, maybe that's where all this is coming from... the only guy we were prepared to do it with has a g/f and doesn't come around anymore.

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justean

i see where your at now, an old mate of my had the same scenario.
hubby has had a few threesomes. with his wifes best friend.
but whenever she mentioned a 3 some with a bloke, apparently he got nasty. it was alwalys no and i dont think they have til this day. but he still has his 3 somes. with her best friend.
tell me if im on the wrong track, - i wont take it personal.
i know where your coming from on the person who you could do it with. its because you knew that person, you found him attractive and you felt you could have fun and it would be safe.
why dont you try a swingers club. you dont have to take partners and they usually accept single women.
i know what you mean by not approaching. your scared of the rejection.
i feel it too sometimes. but when your in the bedroom, why dont you just initiate. i used to get to a point of just lying in bed like an idiot, but desperate for sex.
waiting for the initiation sometimes never came.
so i took this one the shoulders and just thought if i want it. im getting it.
i dont care if i initiate.

bhappy3

I feel like such an ass when I initiate something but he doesn't want it. Like I'm pushing him for it. A woman wants to know she is needed/wanted/desired. But how do you feel desired when the person you desire doesnt' desire you back?

At least with cheap meaningless sex it will "appear" as though you're desired for a while! And then you can go home and get the emotional love you need. Problem solved. Plus your sex life will get hotter b/c you're experiencing something new and different.

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justean

lets just say, if you initiated everytime, does he push you away everytime?
if he does thats a different matter.
well when im in your situation with my hubby, its lonely and exactly what you say - you dont feel important in the relationship, because and this does not have to revolve around sex.
you dont in turn feel loved , needed and desired.
then you think whats the point of being in this relationship.
but and i promise this, you are no different to lots of other women i know and listen to.
when this happens to me, all your feelings.
i just take diffrent approaches. examples.
one time i probably just want sex, so to get the desire if only for a little - ( i do the cheap meaningless sex ) bit
another time i might focus on myself and forget about the sex
(dancing to loud music) normally helps me. i kinda look at it, im staying toned and i go back to healthy mode.
another time, i might suggest we watch porn. ( raises the old eyebrows).
why dont you ask what he wants (ok you might know the answer to this one) but say one night you will do what he wants and you must say in the same sentence, you have to do this for me etc etc.,
or if i just want it, i go for it, just initiate.
i pretty much have "rejection days"
if hubby just too tired, or his back plays up (degenerative spine)
but i still dont class those as rejection days, because im just being sympathetic.
but he also has days with me, when i dont want to.

crusader

To me experimentation and carnal desires are meant to be explored while single, dating and/or even in a long term relationship. Once we get married I think we then made a choice to become focused sexually on our spouse and not others. Of course this doesn't mean we can't talk about it and fantasize but I think if the act actually takes place another level is reached and the things that happen can quickly spiral out of control and not in a good way. It is hard for us as humans to take the emotions out of such acts and just look at it as a carnal desire and leave it at that and more times than not it seems to lead to troubles in the marriage.

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dbj1971

I must be from another time and place.

Look, I wasn't trying to "blast" anyone. If someone is about to do something that is quite possibly very destructive to their relationship and they ask for an opinion or advice, then why wouldn't any caring person try to steer them away from the path of hurt and destruction?

We can delude ourselves all we want, but you cannot have a truly intimate relationship like it's really supposed to be if you bring another man or woman into the relationship.

Let's see, humanists and moral relativists, if I've got this straight: Adultery (having sex with another man or woman other than the spouse) is only adultery if it's done without the spouse's consent? Otherwise, it's a fantasy or a threesome? So, what if I want to commit suicide but I ask you to pull the trigger? Is it no longer murder because I wanted you to do it?

Boy, some people really don't like to hear that the Emporer doesn't have any clothes on. I just call it like it is. You guys want to go on getting married and then acting like your single, having it both ways, need to get off a fence. Some people need to just grow up, and let their maturity level catch up with their age level at least.

I wish everyone the best, but if you post a question and want an answer, don't shoot me for stating something that you don't agree with. You don't fix a marriage by bringing in a surrogate lover; you work on your marriage and you're patient and truly look out for the other spouse's best interest. That's real love. That's what a mature person would do.

Love and peace.
DJ

draconis

DJ ~ Although in general I agree with you because it works for me. I don't want another invovled in my relationship even in sex, it doesn't mean that it might not be right for other people.

Your morals and values are just that, yours. The best we can hope for is that who you spend your life with has the same values.

It is always good to have more than a group of "yes men" giving advise. Often I play devil advocate on the forums. But I don't force my beliefs on others and that is where much of the attacks came from.

If you believe in the bible then you know that only God can judge others. Also, it is clear that we all have mistakes in the eyes of the higher powers.

ANyways, although you have your opinion which you are entitled too, so do others.

draconis

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bhappy3

So this seems like it really got off track. I thought I had appropriately named the thread, perhaps I should have named it something similar such as "open minds only". I am looking for opinions from open minded people such as myself. I am surely trying to avoid the religious aspect of this b/c that is not who I am and I tend to go against the flow of society. What is society to tell me how to live my life and what I should feel and what I should do? Certainly I have humanist values... of course we can't go out hurting people without consequence.

My marriage seems to have some issues, as all marriages do. My husband and I are trying to work these things out. I wish I could get into all the details on here, but that would be a book. I can only try to highlight the things that have brought me to this point.

Ever since before he and I were together I have wanted to be with two men at the same time. I briefly had the opportunity to do that when I was 18 but for some stupid reason I didn't do it. It's never been a secret to him that I"ve wanted to be in a MFM threesome. We've dabbled with it, but I've never fully gotten what I've sought. He has been fully immersed in FMF threesomes within our relationship. We've both enjoyed these very much and reaped the benefits once the other woman left. It's been a long time since we've had anything like that and our sex life is dull again.

Our relationship has had some hardships along the way too. Sexually I've shut down with him. I refuse to ask him for sex for the fear of rejection which has plagued him for all of our time together. He always has the say so as to when we do it. I can't handle that anymore. I have finally quit asking for it and now he never knows when I want it and my want is waning too.

I am beginning to really see him as a selfish person. Our family life completely revolves around his hobbies. Hunting has always been his focal point, and this year he is on three softball teams, playing five days/week. He schedules his work around his softball schedule. 2/3 of his vacation this year is for him to hunt or play softball. When our daughter was born 11.5 years ago he was so happy to tell everyone that when she came into the world that he was going to take a week's vacation. He failed to even let me know that during that time he was going to hunt every day!!

We planned a family vacation a few years ago to Disney. We drove down, but hauled his motorcycle. We spent two days at Disney together with our five year old daughter, then on the third day he left to go to Daytona on his motorcycle with his buddy. There I was left at the park with our daughter. Did I have a say in this? No, he planned it all himself.

A buddy of his planned a bachelor party in Vegas for a weekend. Who the hell has a three day bachelor party in Las Vegas??!!! I was livid. He went. I never had a say.

Last year he planned a hunting trip for himself. Never asked me if I minded. A whole week he went with his buddies. He knew I was wearing thin so he tried to keep me busy all week, scheduled a massage for me, gave our daughter gift certificates to go to dinner together, tix to the movies.

Every year he completely submerges himself in hunting. When he's got something on his mind such as hunting or playing softball, he doesn't think about sex. If he doesn't think about sex, he doesn't want it. So for the past 13 years we have a good six months of the year and a bad six months (his good six months differs from MY good six months)... six months over the summer when he works and thinks about sex and life is good (this year was the first for the complete submersion in softball). Then for the other six months of the year he is obsessed with hunting and doesn't think about me when he walks out that door to hunt. So our sex life suffers incredibly. He never asks to hunt, as I don't think he should... he's a grown man and should know better. But no matter how much I complained about him hunting, he still had no qualms about neglecting me, and even did it more, just so he wouldn't have to listen to me.

I compare his freedom of hunting to my desire for another man. Our sex life suffers b/c he's hunting. He's been incredibly selfish. He only thinks about himself. What about me? What about his family? No, he comes first and we get the sloppy seconds, whatever is left over. I'm tired of it. I want the threesome I've wanted since I've been 18. He's had his. He's had his everything... freedom to do whatever he pleases without a thought of me. I'm simply asking for permission to do what I've wanted for so long. And now I'm starting to feel like I deserve to spoil myself a little bit. He deprives me of sex to hunt, I'm going to go get some. He knows I'm falling apart. He is starting to see that I'm not going to put up with it forever and he needs to bend a lot to make up for the pain I've endured. I dont' think he should have to ask for permission to hunt or play ball. And I don't think that I should have to put my foot down and wag my finger at him, I'm not his mother, I'm supposed to be his equal, his wife. I think that he should be man enough to divvy out the right amount of time for me, for our family, and he can get whatever is left over for himself, as a HOBBY, not an obsession!

He begs to differ that hunting and sex are synonymous. My argument is that he hunts therefore I should be able to have sex. Hunting has always been "the other woman" in our relationship, taking his time and energy, and sex from me. He gets to hunt and do as he pleases regardless of what I think of it. Should I not be able to do as I please regardless of what he thinks about it? Has he not been that selfish??

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dbj1971

bhappy3,

I hope everything works out for the best with you and your husband, and you get happiness and contentment with each other. You've made it clear that you feel neglected. Hopefully, he'll come to really see this from your perspective and work diligently to tend to your needs as a loving husband.

For what it's worth, and I realize I have offended you my earlier posts so I hope you keep an open mind with what I'm about to say, but I honestly think the first step is getting things right with your husband... for him to be sorry for his neglect and really promise (and show by actions) that he is changing for the better. Otherwise, any threesome or fantasy would only provide a temporary sense of fufillment but you'll be left feeling down or discontent again afterwards.

You know by my posts that I don't personally believe in involving anyone else in the sexual intimacy of a marriage, but I realize you are all adults who each must make their own decision and deal with the results. I could have said what I did in earlier posts without coming across as insulting - for that, I'm sorry.

Hey, we seem to have something in common: Ironically, you feel that you go against the grain of society, and I, as a person who does believe in a higher power feel like I'm going against the grain of society and am in a minority of sorts.

I still don't think bringing another person in will help your marriage in the long run. It seems like the majority of opinions in this post agree with the idea of a threesome; I seem to be the only one really bucking the trend, with maybe the exception of one other post. I just ask that, with an open mind (and I'm not throwing that in your face, I'm being sincere) you consider what I've said, even if you disagree with it.

Like I said, I truly wish you the very best in your marriage. I know we disagree on how to get there. I don't know you, and sorry I came across at first as putting you down.

Peace,
DJ

bhappy3

DJ, I applaud you for your honesty, openness, and ability to accept others lifestyles that may differ from yours. Thank you.

Things are progressing with us. He is slowly accepting the errors of his ways and trying dilligently to turn things around. Why did it have to come to the point of me telling him that "if the opportunity presents itself, I'm taking it" for him to get it thru his thick skull that I'm serious??!! MEN!!!!! He did drop his Sunday softball team, much to the dismay of his teammates, but it was something he did on his own, without me even asking. He says he won't hunt at all this year if that's what I want, but I'm not falling for that one... he'll be dopey all season long and I'll feel guilty for his depression. He needs to make these decisions on his own thru his own eyes of what needs to be done. I should not be his mother and grant him permission slips to do things, but he should not walk all over me as he has been.

As I said, things are going better... he is trying to make better for what he's done. But it's going to take me some time to heal and be able to trust again. Am I wrong to view this as an affair of sorts... I'm not asking for firepower for me to have sex, I'm simply asking if perhaps anyone else sort of sees it that way? I've been hurt b/c of his passions for other activities, hurt to the point of shutting down, and now it's going to take time to rebuild trust and happiness.

DJ, you are on the same page as my husband. He knows the indulgences I want, but he too said the other night that we need to work on us first, give us the time we need first, and then we can talk about my threesome.

How do you feel like you're going against society with your beliefs? I do believe most of the world has some sort of belief in a higher power, true though they may not put it into action (oh but this is a whole other bucket of worms). I thought agnostics and athiests were in the minority. If I had more energy at the moment I'd look for some statistics...... but I will grant you value again at least. =)

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Dancing Nancie

I have read through this thread, and really would like to delve into this a little more. First I think that if both people are open, and ok with there being a third party involved than by all means...

I think that by you having the conversations with the man you met here only pushes forward the desire to have the MMF threesome. Seeing someone else get their fantasies come to reality can be frustrating. I think the other issues you are having in your marriage is making it more frustrating.

I desire to have a MMF with my wife. The thought is something I often masturbate to. It is something my wife has made very clear that she is not interested in, and will not happen. I respect that choice, and have let that go. As other issues in our marriage become stressful, I have found that not getting my sexual desires met becomes a more pressing issue.

Since you have had a previous threesome, I am sure once the other issues in your marriage get cleaned up you will be able to move forward with that.