It's uncanny how much you and I have in common, yet our reactions are so different.
Your husband sounds identical to mine. It must be the sports enthusiasts in them. My husband golfs all summer and coaches all winter and spring. In between he hunts, plays basketball, etc. We have been married 20 years now and it has only progressed. I guess that makes me an enabler. I've always been told "At least he's not out partying at the bars or out with wild woman". So I have allowed him to reach the point that he doesn't even ask or tell me what he is doing...he just does it, and I'm just left feeling lonely and hurt.
About eight years ago he and I participated in a one-time FMF threesome. It was OK, but I woke up the next morning with the most horrible feelings of dread, regret and shame I have ever felt!!! He didn't seem too fazed about it...actually I think he thought he turned into some type of God or something. I told him that morning that I never wanted to do anything like that ever again.
He recently tried to involve us in a couple swap, unbeknownst to me. The other couple thought that he and they could coerce me into it. What DJ said hit the spot on my feelings soooo much that it stung when I read it:
I don't see how, on God's earth, a woman can truly love her husband but want to give herself to another man, or vice versa. I think people just want the security blanket of a stable relationship while getting to live a wild, party life. Basically, wanting a threesome, whether it be the man that wants it or the woman, is just a way of saying, "Spouse, you're not enough for me, I need more, so we need to bring in help." It's the ultimate insult.
I felt cheated out of the last twenty years that I have given him. It's true, I found out that I wasn't enough for him and I was hugely insulted!! And all I kept thinking was that he didn't love me anymore. That is why I joined this forumn to try to understand why he would do that to me. My thread is called "Married 20 years and I think we're falling apart".
But what I found is that our marriage was at serious risk. And I think that is where you and I fall back into common. This has been an eye opener to us that we need to work on our marriage and our relationship with each other and most importantly our sex life!!! My husband also only has sex on his terms, and I did the same as you, I shut down because I didn't want to be rejected anymore. It was getting to the point that we were only having sex 2 - 3 times per month!!! Since this happened I have been trying to make our sexual encounters much more enjoyable for him. Therefore, they have been happening much more often However, as much as I aim to please, we still need to work on him making things more enjoyable for me!!
Definitely work on your relationship!!! Then if that works out do what the two of you feel comfortable doing, but only if he is willing!!! If he is forced into it, it will only tear you all down!!
Dont hold your husband's hobbies against him. They invigorate his life and have nothing to do with you. Would you rather have him on the sofa drinking beer?
As far as the sex goes it would be better for you to go out and actually engage in the act and feel those consequences then continue to live in the bitterness you have now. It's not doing you any good. The mind loves fantasy and loves when you chase it. But there is little lasting satisfaction or contentment from doing so.
The big picture for you would be to solve the issues between your husband and yourself when it comes to sex. If he is unwilling to do so consider your other options.
>>>Do you think as humans we're really supposed to be monogamous?? Don't answer that out loud. We are animals after all. The whole idea of polyamory intrigues me as well.<<<
well, lotta thing animals do that we don't...make your own list...
and i am gonna answer out loud...we ARE supposed to be monogamous...hey, i like sex as much as the next person. in fact, other than the fact that i'm currently separated (sex was not a problem in or marriage) i like it more! we did role playing, light playful bondage, so i'm not a prude when it comes to this. but you'e talking about another man's parts and that crosses a line for me. i don't think your husbands desires are met long term by your wants.
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Well in nature it is okay to fight, to have the alpha male no matter who he is take all the females for breeding, killing or maiming to steal land (property) etc. So if we want to through out monogamous relationships out of society because it doesn't happen in the wild lets through out all the rules that don't apply and live in anarchy where only the strongest live and they take what they want.
I may not be religious, but I am humanistic and don't think we should throw out all rules of the wild. Monogamy stems from religion. I think with unrealistic expectations we only set ourselves up for failure or pain or hurt or disaster.
Brad... interesting. Are you suggesting I go out and cheat? I like your view on that. I do harbor some bitter feelings. Which feeling would be worse though. They always say it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.... As far as his hobbies, yeah, I know they have nothing to do with me and that's the problem! Why can't we be active kayakers or something that we're both active in that gives us time together? No I wouldn't rather him be on the sofa with a beer, I'd rather he and I make a honeydo list and he do that! oh yeah, back to reality now... he's just ocd with his hobbies and our relationship suffers because of it. I must say he's gotten better since the big breakdown whenever I posted this thread originally.
ljtseng... I will definitely read that! I may actually be doing a research paper for my english class on "are we meant to be monogamous?"
triton... you're cute
voivod... who or where does it say we're supposed to be monogamous?
oh yeah, and as a side note, last night we both agreed that we miss having threesomes. problem is, we don't have anyone to do either with (mfm, fmf). we're too picky when it comes to choosing someone... don't want someone off the internet or from a "club". we want someone that we know and can trust. sigh..............
I may actually be doing a research paper for my english class on "are we meant to be monogamous?
thats cool. i think the question of being in a montonous relationship really depends on the person. Its not really a blanket statement of should [i]everyone[i] or no one be in that kind of relationship, but who (male and/or female, kids) would benefit from it and why.
thats cool. i think the question of being in a montonous relationship really depends on the person. Its not really a blanket statement of should [i]everyone[i] or no one be in that kind of relationship, but who (male and/or female, kids) would benefit from it and why.
monogamous, monotonous. haha. frued might've have said something like this
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
oh yeah, and as a side note, last night we both agreed that we miss having threesomes. problem is, we don't have anyone to do either with (mfm, fmf). we're too picky when it comes to choosing someone... don't want someone off the internet or from a "club". we want someone that we know and can trust. sigh..............
I'm curious why you enjoy threesomes so much. I just didn't get that. Yes it was fun, but the aftermath was too much for me. Don't you ever wonder if he's enjoying the other woman's p**** more than he likes yours? Or don't you ever wonder why he's doing something to her that he has never done to you? Is your sex life with your husband not good enough?
well as they say, different strokes for different folks, If Bhappy and her hubby are on the same "field" and are both cool with it, whom are we to judge them.
well as they say, different strokes for different folks, If Bhappy and her hubby are on the same "field" and are both cool with it, whom are we to judge them.
best of luck with your desires
Very very true, I'm not knocking, bhappy, just trying to understand what I missed maybe???
grass is not greener. we all have fantasies - leave at that .
fantasies.
i have looked into many of the things u have said. and believe me its not a pretty picture as you imagine .
if your the jealous type - really steer clear of this, you wil hound yourself with questions after the event and it could prove disatrous.
try and reinvent your sex life, this can be done.
I couldn't agree more. It ruined my first marriage...EVEN THOUGH I had the EXACT same ideas, fantasies, points of view as you...
Re: You'll need an open mind for this one...
However, as much as I aim to please, we still need to work on him making things more enjoyable for me!!
