bhappy3

So I met this guy on this forum. Rest assured, there's nothing going on. He's married, I'm married, we just found some common ground and have been chatting about it since. I have no interest in him romantically, intimately, sexually, nothing.

So here's the deal... he had some mixed emotions about his wife hooking up with a younger guy. At one time he would feel so excited about it, at another, he was a little angry about it. I encouraged him to go one way or the other with it and be happy with his choice. He did and he's reaping the benefits of his wife getting with someone else. He's one of those guys that enjoys that. I think that's super awesome.

Problem is, that intrigues me so much. I have always wanted to be with two men at the same time. My husband knows of my desires and we've tried to set it up, but it's not just going to happen with anyone. So talking to this guy about him giving his wife the best of both worlds is making me jealous!!!

Now don't go judging... come on, be honest... everyone has had thoughts about another person. Do you think as humans we're really supposed to be monogamous?? Don't answer that out loud. We are animals after all. The whole idea of polyamory intrigues me as well.

I have no one on the side and no one with my sights on either. But my husband is more the "traditional" one woman one man thing. I feel like I'm missing out on something in my life. This other guy is so understanding about his wife being with someone else, shoot, she even compares the other guy to him and he's fine with that!! I just want to have sex with someone else. I don't want to forge a relationship and leave my man, I just want sex!! He's had sex with another woman and did he fall in love with her?? No. I'm just a little jealous and wish my husband could offer me the same or close to the same. I can't even manage to muster the threesome I've always wanted, and to think seriously about it is incredibly depressing.

I just want some open minded thoughts. Please, no religious stuff, I'm not into that.

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draconis

To each there own, however you are in a partnership and everything you do should be okay with both of you. Just because your husband cheated doesn't mean that you deserve to have him go against something he doesn't feel comfortable with.

That said if he agrees then all the power to you.

draconis

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GAsoccerman

well Bhappy that is tough and I ahve found out that there are allot of couples out there that one would be interested, the other is not.

Like I would do a thresome with my wife and a male friend if she was interested, but she has made it clear she is not, so I am not going to pressure into it or even bring it up anymore.

Right now I think you are in the "lust stage" knowing about this guys adventure, of course he could be lying to you, just to maybe bed you at some point.

The issue is your hubby, he has to be comfortable with it, he has to be on board a 110% because it will eat away at him, if he does this just for you and is not into it. It will end up destroying your marriage if he is not fully into it.

Now I see you live in PA, not sure what area. If you live near Philly, I believe there are some "swinger clubs" in that area.

I suggest that you and your hubby attend one of these swinger clubs, But make the pact with him, that you will do nothing without his consent, or vice versa,, set some ground rules.

My wife were curious and we went to one to "check it out" while we did not become swingers, we enjoyed being in front of others and watching others, It really turned my wife on.

So while we did not swap or do a threesome, we had wild sex with ourselves, she does not mind dressing up sexy and going with me to the club.

Maybe this would be a good starting point for you both. Go set the rules of " just to "check it out" a 1 time thing. Just have fun with each other and take int he sights and stuff.

After then decide what your options are. Basically for us it's my wife's call, if she wants to swap with another couple or try a threesome all she has to say it. Until that day I will respect her decision and not pressure her in anyway for or fashion.

Talk it over with him, see what he says. If you do go I would go on a "couples night" or a club that has "couples only & single women" ones that allow single males is bad and it is like vultures.

Best of luck, but if you were to do it I think your hubby would have a hard time accepting it, would you share him with one of your girlfriends?? just curious.

bhappy3

Ok, sorry I didn't mean to imply that my husband had cheated... that is something he would never do even if I couldn't ever have sex again due to medical reasons or something off the wall. He would never ever stray, ever. He was with another woman during our time together and it was consentual with all parties. It was INCREDIBLY stimulating and I very much enjoyed watching him with her. We all really enjoyed our times together. That's what I want in return. I want him to enjoy me with someone else.

GASoccerman... what makes you want a threesome with another man rather than another woman?? Some men have that in them and others do not. I have it in me that I thoroughly enjoyed him being with another woman, but he's lacking the same with me being with another man.

I guess what really has me agitated is that he's a selfish man. He has a lot of hobbies and I am always second best to them... ALWAYS. I know I'm not his number one. Hunting and softball come first all the time every time.

Oh yeah, another major key point here is that his libido is LOW. He is by far not your average man. He doesn't care if he gets sex or not. He is not the type to want it every night. When he's busy doing his hobbies, he won't even think about sex. If you read my first post on this whole forum, I might mention that sex is always on his terms... when he wants it. Never ever when I want it. I approach him and he denies me. Twelve years of this and I shut down. I will no longer approach him for sex, no matter how badly I want it b/c I'd rather deal with the frustration of wanting/needing it than the pain of rejection.

So this is how I see it... he has his hobbies and thinks nothing of me. He never asks me for permission to do the things he likes to do. He never asks permission to go play ball or spend countless hours shopping for softball bats. He never asks permission to walk out the door to go hunting or do all things involved with hunting. He never asks permission from me to neglect me sexually. Why would it be so wrong for me to have a man on the side to take care of my sexual needs that my husband doesn't seem to give an inkling of a thought about?

GA... sure I'm in lust. But I've wanted this situation for 15 years now. I suppress it as much as possible, but it still comes up every now and then. And every time I try not to think about it and just shove it back under the rug. It's still there. It still hurts to walk on it. I just feel like I'm missing out on my youth.

Thanks you guys for your open mindedness... I appreciate it.

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Healing

I see where you're coming from now.

Not that it isn't true that 2 guys and 1 girl have always been one of your fantasies, but a lot of it seems to be fueled by the perceived selfishness on your husband's part.

I can identify with that. In many ways you living 15 years like this makes me afraid because I have been living 2 years like this and I am rapidly going nuts.

Personally I'm not really adventurous enough to want to try having 2 men at the same time, and also I wouldn't have wanted or enjoyed seeing him with another woman with me (esp now after the EA, seriously...). I don't think you getting this arrangement will "solve" any problems with you and your husband. In fact because he is so self-absorbed you may end up drawing closer to the other man, and if he isn't fully comfortable with you being with someone else it will just cause tension.

Do you think perhaps you just want to do it partially to "get back" at your husband for being so selfish and to feel like you are thinking of your own needs for a change and not always his?

draconis

It is more socially acceptable to have two women, thjen two men.

draconis

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bhappy3

Healing...

True to an extent that some of this is fueled by his selfishness. I just think that a wife should be your number one priority. I make him my priority. I always put him first. Yes, maybe now I am thinking about myself a little more. I am a sexual woman and he is not a sexual man. This makes for a very odd combination and very stressful as well. But it's also bad b/c he's the one with the say so of when we do it. Not me with the higher libido. I wish someone would understand this pain, it can be debilitating.

Here's how I see it... he has hobbies on the side. Hobbies that dont' involve me (sure I can sit at his softball games, but I can't do anything about his obsession with shopping for bats). Hobbies that take time from our marriage. Hobbies that interrupt his already unstable sex drive. So I see these hobbies as "the other woman".

Would me having a man on the side just for sexual purposes be such a bad thing if I'm still committed to my love to him? Somehow this all makes perfect sense in my head.

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dbj1971

Bhappy3,

Just wondering if your wedding vows included the line "forsaking all others." How old are you? Why did you even get married in the first place? There are plenty of selfish, noncommital single guys who would like to have a series of one-night stands, threesomes, orgies, you name it. You could have stayed single and "dated," getting a lot of action (not that I condone it but... making a point).

You seem confused. You say you love your husband but want to be intimate with another man. Also, the fact that you stated (more than once, at that) that we are just animals is disturbing. I guess in your way of thinking, if we're all just animals then we have no moral obligation to one another, so if it feels good, do it, and it's okay.

I don't see how, on God's earth, a woman can truly love her husband but want to give herself to another man, or vice versa. I think people just want the security blanket of a stable relationship while getting to live a wild, party life. Basically, wanting a threesome, whether it be the man that wants it or the woman, is just a way of saying, "Spouse, you're not enough for me, I need more, so we need to bring in help." It's the ultimate insult.

I think it's weird that a husband or wife would get off on seeing their husband or wife with another man. Just because both agree doesn't make it right. If you both agree to robbing a bank, that doesn't make it okay for the marriage just because there is mutual agreement. I know... the old humanistic argument... "But, robbing a bank is against the law." I know, I know. If tomorrow a law was passed making adultery illegal, would your desires magically disappear just because it was against the law?

It sounds like there are relationship issues anyway. I've never met a man not interested in sex, unless he had some major illness or there were such deep issues in the relationship that were unresolved that he found it hard to be attracted to his wife. Not to be stereotypical, but a man not interested in sex is so unusual that when it happens you should look for the reason why instead of accepting it as normal.

Animals are amoral, so if I'm an animal then I don't have to really answer to a higher power and my actions are good if they make me feel good. The law of the jungle applies, if I'm an animal.

We're not animals, but that doesn't mean people can't act like animals sometimes.

It takes far more effort and maturity to work out the problems in a marriage, to find out what's wrong and be willing to look in the mirror, so to speak, and change, than it is to get some illicit action on the side.

A real lover isn't someone who goes from person to person, having sex. Any dog or other animal can do that. A real lover is someone who can cultivate a relationship with a partner for life. True love does what's best for the other person, and places the other person's best interests at heart.

GAsoccerman

DBJ, thanks for not slamming her with the religious notions, I guess you couldn't help yourself to "correct her"

She is jsut basically thinking out loud and trying to figure out what is going on her mind. She specifically asked not to be bashed, but you did it anyway.



Bhappy, Well I would surely love two women and me....But I would also like to please my wife beyond her wildest dreams. We have discussed it and she has several "rules" that would have to be followed, certain things she does not like. Which would have to be set forth with anyone we were to choose.

My point is to give my wife the wildest craziest nigth of her life, where she would totally let go and just absorb it. Basically just a wild night of ectasy. Now will it ever happen??? doubtful, as I said she is not interested, or at least she says she is not, only she really knows.

I am not a jealous person, I used to be when I was a HS student, I learned to get over it, because it would only drive me crazy in the long run, I learned, I can't worry about "what IF?" I worry about "what is" and deal with it.

I ahve been cheatedd on in the past and that was part of my growth and acceptance.

I can't speak of your husband, only he can, you can only communicate with him your desires. But if he is not into it, I am sure it will be a disaster, he has to be interested.

But I enjoy pleasing my wife, not every guy is like me.

bhappy3

Hey dbj... still believe in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny??

Since this animal ain't answering to your "higher power" then that makes your post void. :P



GA, yup, I used to be jealous as well. I was never cheated on though, at least not that I knew of at the time, and it's not confirmed now either, just a hunch I have. I guess I'm not jealous with my husband when it comes to other women b/c I know know KNOW he's not going anywhere. He does have high morals and it's just not something he would ever do. I am very jealous when it comes to his hobbies though. Like I said, his hunting is "the other woman" to me. But that's b/c she gets all his time and attention and I get to sit back and wait for the sloppy seconds.

I am just trying to think out loud here and sort things out. I've typed and typed and typed in my journal, but that doesn't answer me back. I don't want to "cheat" behind his back. I want his permission to do what I feel I need to do. We've been together 13 years... of course things get dusty and you want to look around at others. But that doesnt' mean I love him any less!

I so tie the hunting together with the sex. I get less sex when he's fully immersed in his hobbies. So why, if he's allowed to neglect me like that can't I just go out and have meaningless sex? He doesn't like to be bothered with me when he's involved. So why can't someone else take the reins while he's so busy?

We saw a counselor for a little bit, until we realized that he wasn't making any difference. But anyway, the counselor put it like this... when my husband plays softball with our daughter, just in the yard, he has to play on her level. When I have sex with my husband, I have to do it on his level. The only freaking problem with that is that my husband then gets to go play softball with his adult friends when he's done playing with our daughter. What do I get to do? I still have to play on his level... forever! bah

This is so frustrating.

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33_momma_of4

I personally feel if he would put more effort into your relationship, maybe you would't feel the desire to be with another man.

I also feel like bringing another man/woman into your bedroom and intimate affairs isn't a solution of any kind. Sex brings so many emotions and feelings. I personally, would love for my husband and only my husband to bring me to the peak of those.

On another note. My husband also has a very low libido. He has high blood pressure and depression, and takes meds for both. I often wonder if any man out there can go as long as him w/o sex. Its frustrating for me. Even with my medical condition, there is nothing wrong with my libido. However, I want quality over quanity! And if can't deliver...I'd much rather wait. Have you had many sexual partners in life?

mike123gallagher

This is a tough one!

Sure, you are in a partnership.. you and hubby should consider each others feelings, communicate, etc.. . But if you are unhappy with your sex life something needs to be done about it. I don't get people... the general population seems to think if one partner isn't into sex the other should just understand.... like sex isn't that important once you are married.

Look at it this way, if your partner was an alcoholic and was neglecting you and your family people would advice you to do something about it, and maybe even consider divorce... but being neglected sexually isn't a big deal... "what are you a perv, a sl~t.. come on, you are in a marriage just deal with it".. I don't think so!

And from a male perspective, and a human being (not just an animal.. ha ha), your hubby is insane for not embracing an open minded, adventurours woman like yourself. After all, you are talking about inlcuding him, experiencing this with him.. not cheating!

justean

grass is not greener. we all have fantasies - leave at that .
fantasies.
i have looked into many of the things u have said. and believe me its not a pretty picture as you imagine .
if your the jealous type - really steer clear of this, you wil hound yourself with questions after the event and it could prove disatrous.
try and reinvent your sex life, this can be done.

Deejo

Nothing like a great sex thread to pull you out of a 3pm stupor.

I have an open mind. I understand that many people have no desire or wish to challenge and push the boundaries of how intimate relationships are defined or managed. I also accept that those people may have deep, loving, fulfilling relationships.

I also recognize that there are folks that have, and maintain, deep, loving, fulfilling relationships by virtue of the fact that they share their intimate experiences with others.

I maintain that the idea of multiple partners is more exciting and free-wheeling, than the reality. Nobody decides to swing, or engage in a 3some without serious negotiations with their partner, or other parties to be included about physical and emotional boundaries prior to the throwdown.

I say talk to your husband. Talk about fantasies - share fantasies. Bridge that gap first, and then decide about taking the next step.

draconis

If he has a difference of opinion or a different set of morals you are forcing a life style. If I was an alcoholic should I expect my partner to be to please me so I don't have to drink alone?

It involves the two people in the relationship to decide what is best for them as individuals and as partners.

draconis

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