Iíve been struggling with something for awhile and Iím hoping someone can help me. Or at least, I just want to get it off of my chest.
My husband and I have been together since we were 15, married for 8 years and we are now 30 years old with two kids. Iíve never even kissed anyone else in my life. When we were 15 and my husband expressed interest in me, I jumped at the chance to have a boyfriend even though I wasnít all that attracted to him. I had low self-esteem (still do) and was just happy that somebody liked me. We fell in love and we have an overall good relationship. We get along very well, donít fight much, have good jobs, nice house, have fun together, similar interests, etc. Iíve never been overly attracted to him but I was never all that interested in sex so it really wasnít a big deal to me. Our great friendship and partnership seemed more important and I feared that if I left him, nobody else would ever want me anyway (again, low self-esteem).
I have had passing attractions to people over the course of 15 years (who wouldnít?) but over the last couple of years, Iíve had one fairly consistent but mild crush on a guy at work and now Iím developing a downright infatuation for another guy. I donít know if itís because Iím at my sexual peak or what. But suddenly, the heat that I donít feel for my husband is becoming much more important to me.
My infatuation with the new guy is becoming all-consuming. I think about him constantly, Iím distracted at work, have trouble sleeping, all I think about is when I can see him next. I know this is wrong but I canít seem to stop myself. I canít make myself pull away. I donít have any indication that he feels the same about me (he has a girlfriend) but I still find myself trying to flirt with him and if he did return my feelings, I really donít think I could resist an affair.
Iíve read a lot of posts from people in similar situations and the advice is always to try to ďre-kindleĒ the spark with your husband. But what if the spark never existed? What if we are just best friends and nothing more? Is that such a bad thing? I donít want to ruin my life and my kidsí lives over some feelings that may fizzle out in 10-15 years. By the time Iím pushing 50, being married to my best friend doesnít sound like such a bad idea. On the other hand, I only have 1 life to live. Am I missing out on a great part of life out of fear?
I can think of several reasons I am having these feelings:
1. I never had that excitement of being intimate with someone Iím really attracted to.
2. I want to know that I can be attractive and wanted by another man at least once in my life.
3. Just generally bored with life.
What I donít know is what to do about these feelings. How do you know when itís just a phase versus really needing a change in your life?
I think your issue is symptomatic of getting together at a very young age and not being “around a bit”. My wife was 16 and I was 18 when we met and started dating. We were together for over 40 years.
I think you are now facing one of life’s big tests. I think you are very wise “By the time I’m pushing 50, being married to my best friend doesn’t sound like such a bad idea”.
We all have crushes, urges with others out side of our marriage. It’s not the fact they happen that’s important. What is important is what we do with them. Just take some time to think about it, don’t act on an urge or a crush. Those things pass very quickly, maybe as quickly as your first night together should you chose to follow that path.
And if you do follow that path and your husband finds out then both of you are going to be hurt exceptionally deeply. And all for a crush or an urge you feel the need to satisfy. And you’ll probably lose the best friend you ever had.
An inferiority complex (the source of low self-esteem) is created when a man (or woman) fails to realize that no two people are created equal; nature will always give certain people advantages in certain ways over others.
Unfortunately, the qualities considered valuable by society, especially among youth, are often based strictly on appearance and the acquisition (or capabality to get) of material assets. The incessant peddling of "ideals" pushed ad nauseum by advertising firms and corporations in the pursuit of profit often create unrealistic aspirations for perfection in many ways, and do so with the threatening knife of social exile. Wisdom, moral development, and the knowledge that the only true value in life exists within the mind is ultimately very bad for the profit sheets of virtually every corporation on the planet.
Where Im going with this is: I dont profess to have a perfect answer for your question of what it is you should do. By posting here and by reading the nature of your questions, it is fairly obvious you are seeking social justification for either cheating on your husband, or leaving your husband in the interest of pursuing another man who socially, sexually, and emotionally validates you. Ultimately, I feel the problem which has created this question is as a result of mankind failing to instill proper values in the dominant public narrative of society- you have the "low self-esteem issues" because you are likely focusing on things that should not matter. Are you giving? Are you focused on bettering your understanding of the world? If yes, that is so much more important to carry on (via offspring) than a nice set of tits, see? Unfortunately, you must pay the price for accepting false values (and your husband will as well).
I think you must also consider this "best friend" of yours. If he is so valuable to you as a friend, why would you want him to live a lie? Low self-esteem lead you to accept a man that you yourself didnt particularly love (as a man in a man-woman type love) in the interest of being socially validated by his affections, and now he lives a lie while you are deprived of true passion and attraction- vanity is a b****. I say tell him the truth but FULLY understand you were primarily what contributed to this situation; knowing this, you should be absolutely fair as possible to him and to his rights as a father.
It is interesting you mention we only live once- that is typically only the opinion of an athiest. As I am an athiest myself, I would agree with moving on, but I would be interested to hear the perspective of those who are religous considering your vows were to God and your questions/decisions are inherently focused on self-interest.
Having a crush, by itself, is not a big deal. I often find other men attractive, and have crushed on one or two, but I love my boyfriend to death and would never, ever want to be with anyone other than him. It's a just a passing thing, the same way I'm sure he finds other women attractive and has possibly crushed on one or two. Neither of us would ever act on it.
But...the fact that you feel something is missing in your marriage is a big deal. The crushes may or may not be a cause of that, or a result of that. I do think finding another job, to get away from the guy you are crushing so hard on right now would be a good idea. That will allow you to get your focus back on your marriage, to try to figure out what, exactly, is missing, and how you can get it back or get it to begin with.
You're 30; I'm 31. I know, last year, when I turned 30, my sex drive suddenly went through the roof. I don't know, statistically speaking, what the actual age for sexual peak in women is, but I think it's safe to say that the sudden increase indicates we probably hit it. One thing that I found, for me at least, was that with that increase also came a sudden interest in doing sexual activities I'd never done before, and that interest made the things I'd always done seem kind of boring and not so great anymore. Perhaps you and your husband could give that a shot; find some new things to do in bed (or the kitchen, or the garage; be creative!) and maybe that will help you find that spark you're longing for. I'm not recommending you do crazy stuff, like bringing in other people or anything, but just go outside your comfort zone. Spanking, light bondage, stuff like that....things you've never done, but that you can trust each other to not go too far.
Also, find some common interests outside of bed as well. Having other interests that you share, spending time together, those things can help increase that attraction.
And lastly, the friendship and partnership are more important the sex. Eventually, there will come a day when sex is going to be just a very rare occurrence (so says my 80 yr old grandmother!), or nothing more than a memory. Having that bond of friendship and partnership will keep you two happy long past that day when sex is no longer a big deal.
If you try all that, though, and you decide that it's really that important that you be with someone that you are physically and sexually attracted to, then it's better to end things and move on. It's not fair to you to be with someone you don't really want, it's not fair to him to be with someone who doesn't really want him, and it's not fair to the kids to be living with a mom and dad who are both miserable.
Hi, I'm so glad someone is going through exactly the same as me in every way!
Also a work situation which started I think a year ago. My marriage has been on the rocks for a couple of years(the same as you, married very young, and thought I was in love ) and a guy at work started paying me attention.
The odd brush of the arm, eye contact, etc. I started looking forward to work even more than i had done before. It wasn't until a few months ago though that I noticed he wasn't taking his eyes off me, at all! I already had a crush on him, and so my feelings for him went haywire. I started thinking that he really had it bad for me too, after all he was always in the same space as me even when he had no need. He blushed scarlet when I entered the room, and made an big effort to build up a rapport and strong connection between us. He became territorial over me, and it felt fantastic.
I did also notice that he flirted with another woman at work, and told myself it was an attempt to make me jealous and it did.
It also got her a massive crush on this guy as well!
None of us ever said anything and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, and this went on for weeks.
By this time I was feeling sick when going to work with nerves,and was agonising wether or not to let him know how I felt.
I agonised wether to tell him of my feelings until I could stand it no longer.
I did, in the end, let him know that I liked him but did not mention any future possibilities. I thought it would all stop and he would back off and that would be that.
I was wrong! from the next time I saw him, he pursued me even more, was more blatant about it, but never said a word to me about any of it but did not seem to mind if anyone else noticed!
He followed me around but still never said anything about it!
The staring actually began to feel like stalking it was so intense.
When we were alone together we would both just make small talk, and I longed for him to say something nice to me about it, he never did.
I broached the subject again very subtly and all I learned was that he does not know if he would have an affair, and he may decide to discuss it sometime. In other words, "don't stop hoping because I like the attention"
I kept making excuses to myself for his silence, such as, he's afraid of rejection, he feels intimidated by me, he can't be unfaithful to his wife, but I know he really wants me, any excuse to make me feel better, but deep down none of them did. I knew, deep down, that he did not want to take it further, if he did he would have said something, anything, but he has not!!
From that exact moment I knew I had been taken for a ride by an attention seeker but I still could not let go of this infatuation!!!
Don't get me wrong, I know he has had a crush on me, no-one can fake blushes like that or make their pupils dilate like saucers!
He still watches me constantly, makes eye contact, but all for his own attention,.
The only one of us to gain from this is him, I have boosted his ego in a massive way, and as soon as someone new comes into view, he starts the same thing with them, he is already doing it with another lady in my presence.
In other words, I mean nothing to him, i can't actually beleive I would have risked my marriage for him, even though I knew he was a huge flirt.
I still have it for him, why? because it made me feel good for such a long time.
What I could not see was how I would be feeling last week, yesterday, today and tomorrow
I am still going through this every day at work, and I am feeling sick with myself for admitting my feelings.
Please do not let this guy know you have feelings for him, it may lead to an affair, but that is all it would be.
Do not do like I did, wait, wait ,wait, if he really feels anything for you, he will tell you!!!!!
Hey i am also in almost same situation
I am married to a guy who is emotionally and sexually very pale very un reactive......i met a guy some years back who is some 6 years younger to me ...and he was so attracted to me that i cld not stop myself from falling in relation with him....so ultimately i had a extra marital affairs for 2years ....this guy was so good and he made me happy for all these years but slowly i realized he wants to live on my money.....now this guy also left to some other city thou he will come back in 10 months...i came to some other place for work ....and here in my workplace i met a guy and got attracted to him
this guy was good friend of mine ...he always use to compliment me appreciate me for every thing ...and i cld realize that he also likes me ....two days he came to my place for dinner ....and i went emotionally very close to him ... and from his talk i got to know he is already fed up of his gfrnd but dont want to fall in relationship with any collegue and offcourse cant be with me coz i am in this place for only few months and then i ll go back so he cant have a permanant relation with a gal like me...i understood every thing but tat crush is so strong tat i feel so frustated about every thing ...he still talk to me helps me in everything ...and i did feel tat he likes me alot....but tats makes me feel so bad ...i m leaving tomorrow from this place but the feeling of leaving him kills me ... i may never be able to see him again ....i dont know i feel so bad and pathetic...my mind always keeps questioning my self
I had a HUGE crush on a guy for years.
I never acted on it.
My H later cheated on me with a coworker and when I mentioned my crush on the particular man........my H said ......lol......HE had a crush on him too.
The guy I had a crush on was worthy of a mancrush.
Anyway. Some guys are alluring. They just are and you are not special in being attracted to them.
As someone who has had an affair let me advise those of you in this thread contemplating one - do not do it. You have no idea the prices you will pay. Participating in an affair is the most emotionally draining and devastating thing I have ever experienced by a million miles. Please learn from my fail, listen to my words and do not do this. My biggest reason for being here is to try to help people avoid the mistake that I made.
To the OP's post. As you've been told having the crush is not an issue, we can't control the thoughts and feelings that come in and out of our head. BUT!! We can control what we do and how we act on them. You have a decision to make. 1. Write the feelings off as a crush, wait for them to pass and refocus on your marriage. 2. Decide there really is something missing in your marriage but you can live without it and just carry on in your marriage. 3. Decide there really is something missing in your marriage that you must have and get a divorce. 4. Decide that you simply must have what this other man is offering but you can't stand to leave your H and have an affair. Those are the only alternatives right? Which one will you pick? You say you can't seem to stop yourself. To this, as someone who had an affair, I say both poppy**** and I get it. You can control yourself the question is do you want to.
No one here can tell if option 1, 2, or 3 is the right one. Everyone here can tell you 4 is the wrong one. You just have to weigh the information and make a decision but know that the info your heart is sending you about this OM is seriously compromised by the rose colored glasses you are wearing. My advice. Tell your husband all of your thoughts and feelings. Will this cause some uproar and discord in your marriage? You bet. But your marriage isn't blowing your skirt up anyway so a shake up may help. Nothing like the realization your spouse is contemplating replacing you to refocus your attention. If it goes the other way and the marriage falls apart, well you will have gotten your answer about option 1 and you wll have maintained your honor and dignity.
FWIW. My wife and I are still very happily married but I would give anything to be able to say I had always been faithful to my wife. Posted via Mobile Device
I appreciate your honesty, yet I dont think you're being entirely honest with yourself. It's very comon for the person who WANTS to cheat to re-tell history in a way that supports having an affair. In your case you say you were never attracted to your husband.
I don't care if you're 15 years old when you get married, you know that attraction is the be all and end all of a relationship. You don't stay married to someone you have or have never had an attraction to. I just don't support that idea. I think at one point in the beginning you did and it slowly dropped off for whatever reason.