Why wont she be romantic?

iceman1022 · 06-23-2008, 11:26 PM

Ok i know this sounds weird but she wont. actually she doesnt even want to get intimate. I miss the touch and warmth of her but she doesnt seem to care. she says she loves me but then again i have to beg for sex or even to lie next to her naked.

what the hell is going on. Oh and she is only 22.

draconis · 06-24-2008, 12:40 AM

How old are you?

How long have you been together?

Has there been any major changes in her life when this started?

Is she stressed or depressed?

draconis

Chopblock · 06-24-2008, 06:15 AM

I'm going to venture several guesses from personal experience, given the lack of information here.

- Is she having any self-esteem issues? If she is upset about her image, it won't change until SHE decides to change.

- Are there major life changes going on? Be careful with this one cuz there is ALWAYS something else around the corner. I saw my gf through school stuff, job stuff, personal stuff... always thinking "once this is done, she'll be relaxed". Its a pipe dream. People who use life as an excuse are ALWAYS going to be upset about this and that. They have lots of growing to do before they are ready for a relationship.

- She just isn't that in to you anymore. Sorry, but its a possibility that must be considered.

- Too much pressure: if you are begging (I've begged, bargained, paid, pressured, waited...) then she is just going to associate sex as "one more thing I have to do for someone else".

- Whats in it for her: another factor, is it "always about you"? What does SHE enjoy, and can you give that to her?

- She just doesn't care about sex: another ugly factor to consider, but a serious possibility.

I feel like I've tried almost EVERYTHING, and the only thing that ever has any margin of success across all these situations is for YOU to work on YOURSELF. Rekindle hobbies and interests, reconnect with friends, establish yourself as a happy person. If you are happy with yourself and love yourself, then its easier for others to love you. If she is feeling trapped, like she has lost her identity, this may give her a breath of fresh air.

Best of luck.

BlueCreek · 06-24-2008, 02:46 PM

Yes, there are dozens of possible reasons, but one of the things I've learned in the past year is that it is important, really important, to understand that some people are just different with their intimacy needs and there are plenty of people who love their spouses more than they can say, but still not have any interest in sex. It is very hard for the one who places higher priority on it to not take it personally, to not feel lonely or rejected, but you have to try. Often someone who is not a sexual person by nature can be highly so when they first date someone because of higher levels of chemicals the body creates when a relationship is new. But as time goes on, the body stops producing those chemicals and your spouse loses that desire or need they had in the beginning, while you are left feeling jilted and wondering what happened to that great love life you used to have. Then, as Chopblock said, you start begging, pleading, arguing about it, and placing additional stress or pressure on her, maybe even checking out and withdrawing. All those things only cause a negative feed back and soon you're in a catch-22 spiraling out of control.

But hope is not lost and there are plenty of things you can do as a couple to shift things back towards a compromise that satisfies you both. The first step is really talk it out with her in a non-judgmental or accusing manner and try and discover what exactly it is that might be going on. Some of the effort will need to be on her, no doubt, but again, as Chopblock said, you can't force her to do anything, so a big part of it is also how you handle this shift and that you focus your efforts in a positive manner that makes every other aspect of your life with her as easy and enjoyable as possible.

I sent you a message with the name of the book that REALLY helped my wife and I with a situation where there was no real reason for the disparity in our needs other than she just felt no desire even though she couldn't have loved me more.

iceman1022 · 06-24-2008, 05:49 PM

Well we are both 22.

This all started when i got back from IRAQ in february of 2007. when i got back we started the dating thing to rekindle the love and friendship. We went on a few and then she said she would rather stay home and watch movies lay in bed.

I have asked her this question and her anwser was she got used to not having sex. She doesnt crave it nor does she want to be put in the mood. Which means no ramancing. I of course have tried to be romantic but she looks at me and says no babe not tonight. Now i have told her when im being romantic doesnt always mean i want sex just the satisfaction of knowing that you care for me, love me and want me.

I dont see that look in her eyes anymore and it scares the **** out of me.

draconis · 06-24-2008, 10:56 PM

I think you need to have a serious talk with her and open up communications and find out if she is resentful (abondament), depressed (lonely), or she feels like you have changed. Maybe there is more to why she doesn't want to go out in public with you. But I think that communication will be your key to get to the root of the problem.

draconis