Am I really that bad?

mamaathome · 06-24-2008, 10:28 AM

I want it known that I love my Husband. He is my world, father to my kids, a great person. I just have to wonder if I don't deserve to be with him. Everytime we disagree it only gets resolved by me conceeding his point. If he can't understand my point of view then it doesn't make sense to the world in general. He tells me I am smart but I always feel so stupid when we argue because I end up being wrong, even if I don't care who is right or wrong. I have found that I would rather not say anything than say something and be wrong. He gets frustrated and angry if he can't understand what I am telling him and it seems like he dosn't care that my feelings have been hurt if I've done something to make him angry. I find it hard to be open with him lately. I know he works hard 6 days a week and only wants to relax on his one day off, but I don't get a day off with 2 kids. I feel it's just a differant type of job. I miss being able to make a comment and us laughing about it, instead of it being taken as snide. I really don't know what to do anymore. I just want my husband back. I am not perfect and I know that,,,,but am I really that bad?

Amplexor · 06-24-2008, 10:40 AM

You and your husband are missing in your communications. That can be hard to recover and is probably one of the most common problems among couples. If you are resistant to making any comment to him out of fear of being wrong you are withdrawing from the relationship. Withdrawal will only make things worse for you both. Begin a conversation with him at an opportune time to relate your feelings and how it hurts you. That he doesn’t understand your point is not uncommon, that whole Venus and Mars thing. But he does need to understand that ending every discussion feeling you are wrong is hurting you. It is possible he does this consciously or subconsciously but he needs to respect your opinion. You are not bad in this situation, just not understood. Look for help on ways to increase communications between you and you can get by this issue. Good luck.

BlueCreek · 06-24-2008, 11:50 AM

I think I can already envision how your arguments go by the tone of your message. You start of saying how great he is and wondering if you deserve to be with him, and finish off by asking if you are really that bad. It's a very passive voice. I'm not saying that negatively, or like it's a bad thing, but if your discussions take that same sort of "is it me" or "am I the one wrong" tract right from the beginning, he's probably going "win" the argument and convince you that you are the one in the wrong every time. I have been guilty of that myself. My wife is very good at always being "right" and on more than one occasion I've found it easier to just mentally throw up my arms and give in than keep up the discussion. My wife is a high school teacher and when she argues with me, it's easy for her to start sounding like a teacher berating a failing student that doesn't "get it." But we continue to work on that together with ever growing success because withdrawing only leads to a further disconnect and makes other things harder to deal with. She doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel like I'm an idiot any more than I want to feel that way, it just hard for her to sometimes see that that is what she is doing, though over the past year or so has improved dramatically in how she talks to me when we have a disagreement.

The first thing I think you need to do is STOP thinking you are undeserving and START sticking to your opinion or convictions. Seriously, start thinking of as yourself as his equal right now, even if you have to repeat it to yourself like a mantra for five minutes every morning until you believe it. Then, every time you see that your are going to have a disagreement, go into it with an open mind and willingness to see his point of view, but be fully aware of why you feel what you do and that you aren't just going to roll over. You opinion is just as important as his, he just might be better at arguing and formulating his thoughts rapidly. Also don't go into it with the assumption one is going to come away convincing the other, not every argument or discussion needs to have a winner and loser. Life, and especially marriage, is often about compromise.

The second thing you need to do is remember to keep the discussion civil. If it's an important issue and you feel tempers are starting to rise and that no headway is being made, it is far better to instead of just giving in, find a way to step back and move on to something else with the mutual understanding that you and your husband will revisit the topic after you have both had a breather and collected your thoughts and emotions. Don't do this with a huff and an "I'm not talking to you about this any more" sort of way, but a "Look, we can't seem to understand each others position right now, why don't we step back until after the kids go to bed and revisit it then. Will that be ok with you?"

The big thing you need to do is find some way to talk to your husband about this. Tell him that you love him and you think his strong conviction is one of his most admirable qualities (butter him up) and you love that about him, but then let him know that he needs to start being ok with you having a different opinion on things. It sounds a bit like he thinks the two of you have to agree 100% on everything or it is a threat to your marriage. Let him know that it's ok for him to discuss things if he disagrees with you and ok for him to tell you his viewpoint, but that at the same time, if you can't convince you in a civil manner, that it's ok. You are in love, you are joined in so many ways, but in the end, despite the great many things you have in common, you are two different people it's not a big deal to not always agree or think the exact same way about everything. He does need to learn when to back off and you need to find a way to teach him that. Not doing so is a far greater threat to your marriage and happiness than not agreeing on everything.

One final quick comment. It is readily apparent that this is starting to affect your marriage in a serious manner and needs to be addressed for your sake as soon as possible, but I'm not sure that this is the only thing going between you, at least as far as he is concerned. You are withdrawing because you don't like how the arguments are always one-sided with you being the loser. But he is always "winning" so likely does not see this issue in the same light you do and it is probably not affecting him in the same way. If he is withdrawing more and more from you and the kids, I can't help but wonder if there is anything else going on between the two of you.

draconis · 06-24-2008, 10:08 PM

communication is the key and should never become verbal abuse.

How old are you two kids?

draconis

bph · 06-24-2008, 10:56 PM

To me, it also sounds like you could be more assertive without being a jerk. You have a right to have your concerns heard, understood, and acted on, just like he does. It's an uncomfortable thing, though, being assertive. It'll be especially uncomfortable for your DH, who's been used to having his own way...but what is it they say...."Marriage is a two way street"

You can do it! Read some books at the library, and give it a try on something little. You might be surprised. You don't have to yell or scream or be nasty to be assertive, just stand your ground, that's all. At the very least, instead of giving in to your husband, offer a compromise, if there is one....for example, on his day off, maybe you could come to some sort of agreement where he could have all day to relax if he wants except one hour where he takes the kids....or one hour where you and he have some "alone time" or whatever....but quite often a compromise is possible. If your DH isn't willing to compromise, or willing to try a little or give in, he's not respecting you, and at that point, you might need a counselor to help point that out to him....

Suger_belle · 06-24-2008, 11:41 PM

Could it be a lack of self-esteem issue? Some people may have bigger ego and thus will subconsciously put their partner down. Have more confidence in yourself. Remember that you are a loving wife to your husband and wonderful mother to your kids.