despondet

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We’re 30. Our sex life was not great the first year, and terrible the last 3 years. Frequency is about once every 2-4 months, and that is if I beg. She wants it over with quick when it does. Her explanation is that she just doesn’t have any desire. She used to watch adult videos online for 30-45 minutes ahead of time to get in the mood, but she hasn’t even tried that for about 2 years. When I ask for sex now after waiting as long as I can holdout, I hear “seriously? now? Uhhh, fine”. She usually agrees, but half the time I say forget it because it makes me feel like crap. So that’s the history. We have a 2 y/o daughter that I couldn’t love more.

Here is what may be my final straw. I’ve been battling an undiagnosed pelvic pain syndrome for a year and a ½. Long story short, extreme pain in the urethra, prostate, perineal area, etc. Sex makes the pain drastically increase. This frustrating condition has driven me crazy for a year, and I’ve been battling to keep my sanity.

Yesterday I was scheduled to have an injection to alleviate the pain. I had to make myself as symptomatic as possible going into the injection to know if it worked. I had to leave for the injection at 3:15, and my wife got home at 2:30. My exact words: “Hon, I need to have sex before this procedure to know if it works. Are you interested in helping me (said with a smile and an eyebrow raise.” Exact response: “What do you mean? How would you do it if I wasn’t.” I said I would have to do it myself. I then said that I would be in the bedroom. I sat for 20 minutes reading and waiting. At 3:05, I finally gave up and took care of it myself. She came in about ½ way through and said “oh, guess you don’t need me now(smile in her voice)”.
I don’t know if I’m pissed, crushed, upset, disgusted, or what. I need to know if I’m overreacting.

I have presented the exact facts because if I was wrong to be hurt and embarrassed, I want to hear that so I don’t resent her.

Any help/advice/insight much appreciated. I really have reached the end of my rope.

OrinTyie

Couples therapy now. It was too late for my marriage but I found great insight in a book called "Five Languages of Love".

__________________
-as you think, so shall you be

despondet

Thanks for all the replies.

Hunt, you're way off, so let me explain. I don't mind masturbating when she isn't in the mood, she's not home, etc.; no issue or hard feelings with that. I explicitly told her that I preferred her comfort to my own hand. I didn't "stick my head out" because I'm sick of asking and getting turned down, and when agreed to, it feeling like a chore. You're correct that I knew how the request would be met; nothing I can say about that. She'll agree about every 2-3 times I ask, so you're correct, I didn't expect anything. To suggest that I was trying to trap her or find a "moral high-ground" misses the mark. Completely not my intention.

Part of me hopes the physiologic problem doesn't get better so that it kills my sex drive.

As for the history, she has anxiety issues and takes zoloft, which decreases sex drive, and we're both aware of that. She has been off the meds for up to 6-8 months in the past and the sex drive does not improve. She is not willing to speak to her physician about different meds, and won't try new things to get her into it a little more (overnight spa, toys, movies, role-playing, spontaneity, etc.).

About every 1-2 months, I finally break down and explicitly ask for sex. This is after weeks of casual suggestions, overt comments like "god I love the way your look in those", etc. When she agrees, we have a conversation after. Her explanation is "I don't want sex, I don't get anything out of it, I just do it to make you happy." Direct quote.

I really appreciate her trying to make me happy. I've tried to suggest that maybe she can at least act like she's somewhat into it, but that doesn't work. We haven't had an unplanned, mutual, loving, caring encounter in 2 or 3 years.

During the episode every 1-2 months, I tell myself that I'm ok with her simply submitting to sex, that I can "get by" on that without being anywhere near satisfied about it, and that I love every other part of her an our relationship. I guess subconsiously I have been expecting to eventually see an improvement.

I don't expect it to happen in months, but after 3-4 years, I'm starting to think that it will never change. I don't know how I would feel if I were told things would never improve with the intimate part of our relationship. I keep hoping my sex drive will diminish, but no luck so far. I've offered to do or try absolutely anything she thinks will help. She doesn't "see it as a problem for (her), and why isn't it good enough that I get it when I ask.

My biggest problem is the unidirectional nature of our intimacy. I don't think I'm the type of person who can get by never being desired or enjoyed, just tolerated.

Again, I really appreciate the feedback. I have no one to talk to about this, so just putting fingers to keys helps a bit. I'd like to think that there is something out there that will help us, but I feel like nothing is.

Chris Taylor

Two different issues here.

First, the lack of sex in the marriage... yeah, get to a counselor. or a doctor to discuss the meds situation.

Second, her not helping with your pre-injection sex. Come on, what you wanted was a prostitute... someone to come in without feeling or foreplay, and have sex with you. You tell her, 45 minutes before you need to leave (as opposed to maybe asking her the day before) and right after she got home (from where? work? Thanks for your consideration) that you need sex. then, apparently without discussion, you head for the bedroom waiting for her.

I'm going to take a wild guess that the reason for lack of sex over the past few years has more to do with your attitude.

despondet

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despondet

Ok hunt, i think i get your message. I probably recoiled at the choice of words.

I think u both are probably right. I posted the facts so I could be put in my place if I was wrong. I didn't come here for validation.

The good thing is that I didn't yell or complian at all yesterday to her; knew i was too pissed to make it productive.

I
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despondet

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despondet

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Susan2010

Can you mentally deal with any more lessons today? Or are you overwhelmed with all this learning?

The following quotes are a very telling story.........

........that you need to learn how to please your wife. She doesn't want sex because she gets nothing out of it. You make it clear it is for you and she is your object. No woman likes feeling that way. You came here looking for absolution, and you can find many websites that teach a man how to make love to his woman. When you decide to start being a considerate lover, your wife will want to have sex more often.

Deejo

Well ... you've had more than a few sticks, wanna carrot?

Man Up Books

Can't go wrong with "No More Mr. Nice Guy" as a starter.

despondet

On the recent issue i was wrong. This was truly tue first time i got negative about denial.

As for the long term issue, i still don't know what to do. I've tried building her self esteem, making extra effort to do things she likes, talked about when there wasn't a recent problem, explained to her why i am frustrated only being intimate 5-10 times / year, tell her that i don't want an orgasm but want intimacy with her.

That is 100% true. Iwould love nothing more than to give her mind-blowing sex, regardless of what it does for me.

Every time, the cycle repeats: she says she can't control it, i should be happy that she is occasionally willing, and that sex just isn't important to her. We have sex, get it overwith asap, and i dread the next time i have a need and have to ask. Sick of always initiating for the past 4 years.

As for knowing how to please, thats not it. I care more about her experience than mine. There is no way to convince anyone of this, so lets just leave that point alone.
Again, thanks for listening and responding.
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Susan2010

I didn't read the thread before responding and can't believe how right I was.

but........

I don't know how it works both ways and why you suggest she is lying, but okay whatever you say.

despondet

Hunt, not sure why you assume to know anything besides the info supplied. The self esteem issue came from "i don't feel good about myself. I'm overweight and get nothing but crap from my job." neither of these statements are accurate, which relates to her anxiety and rumination problems.

Any constructive suggestions out there? Any conversations I can start or action i can take? I'm here because i want help from someone with actual knowledge or experience. Seriously, i get my mistake. Can i hear something helpful or is this forum here to make suppositions and personal attacks?
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Deejo

Any input you get is generally going to be colored by the experiences of the respondent. Keep that in mind.

Very few people are here because they are in, were in, wonderfully balanced, healthy, loving relationships.

If you can get your head around any one thing ... and it is almost universally the one thing that we don't get our head's around the first time we hear it is this:

We come here looking for ways to change our partner - and that is something we simply cannot do. We can only change ourselves, and how we choose to respond to our partner.

So the key is, although it sounds new agey and smarmy, is to work on yourself to accomplish one of two objectives:

1. Work on yourself to cultivate the qualities that rekindles your attraction to one another.

2. Work on yourself so that you can reasonably look at your relationship and decide that it's time to move on.

You win either way. But first you need to see it, then you need to do it.

despondet

Ok, now we're getting somewhere. Thanks for the last 2 replies.

We talked last night, and I sincerely apologized for my behavior a few days ago. We also discussed at length the larger problem.

You're right, she feels that sex isn't necessary for intimacy. She will say Ok every time I ask for sex. There is nothing that I do or no quality I have that makes her not want sex. She understands that I'm frustrated and sees how hurt I am by the lack of what I consider to be ONE form of intimacy. She keeps asking what I want her to do about it, even offering to stop her meds. I immediately said no to that because her happiness and health far outweigh any need I have.

We left it here: she'll agree any time I ask, she won't sigh or roll her eyes, and she might even try to initiate once in awhile (believe that when I see it; promised that before).)

She asked if I was going to leave her over this and if I still loved her. My answer was that I would have left years ago if that were the case. It would be much easier to have a mistress or just leave, because this is really a big deal for me. That's not a possibility. I love my wife and don't want anyone else. I just want this one problem to go away.

After all that, I still feel like this: I don't want to ask for sex unless I'm desperate because in the back of my mind I know she isn't in to it, I'll to get it over with as quickly as possible, and go as long as I can without asking. I'm still stuck knowing that she will never truly want to have sex, we'll have a one-way sex life without the possibility of fun or adventure or trying new things. Its to meet my biologic need and nothing else.

Wish there was a switch I could flip inside me to make me ok with that. I have a bad feeling that this will repeat itself in a few months and we'll have the same conversation.

Does anyone think counseling could really help? We're both willing but really don't want to. I think actually getting professional help is a big, scary step and makes us feel like we're just trying to stave off divorce, which is not where we're at.

Again, thank for any thoughts. The last few really helped me see how my actions looked from outside myself. I really am trying to fix this; I'm past assigning blame and not looking for validation, just maybe a little commiseration : )