lost&confused

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. During the past 5 years, he has shown his temper maybe 2 or 3 times. Nothing necessarily violent… he just gets really mad… really fast. He has never touched me any of those times. We eventually get past it and things are back to normal. Other than a few instances here and there, we don’t argue much at all.

This past weekend he blew up over nothing. To be honest I don’t even recall what happened prior to him getting in his truck and leaving the house. This is what has happened in the past… he literally blows up for no reason at all, or at least no apparent reason at the time. I knew he probably didn’t go far and I was determined to get to the bottom of what was going on. I got in my car (I obviously should have stayed home) and followed him down the driveway. Just as I suspected, he had parked his truck just down the driveway around the curve. I got in his truck and we started to talk. It was obvious that he didn’t want to talk so I told him that I was going back home. I proceeded to get into my car. Before I had a chance to shut the door he was reaching in the car, grabbing my arms, twisting them, trying to get the keys. He said that I wasn’t going anywhere. I was screaming telling him that he was hurting me. He literally dragged me out of the car, still twisting my arms. He then pinned me up against the car with his face not even an inch from mine, saying things like, “Oh, are you scared now, you f***ing b**ch?” “What are ya going to do?” I was scared. I was speechless. The look in his eyes was crazy. He told me that if I thought it was bad now, that I shouldn’t even think about leaving him… that it would only get worse. He wouldn’t let me move. He continued to call me names and saying awful things. He never actually hit me. I almost wish he did, so I would have something concrete to base my feelings on. He has since apologized profusely and he can’t really seem to give me any kind of reason for his outburst. It just happened. He told me that it would never happen again.

I seem to be able to forget about it for a short while, then I replay it all again in my head, like it’s a movie. And then I’m upset again… not able to believe that those things would come out of his mouth. He was like a completely different person.

I have a 10 yr old daughter from a previoous marriage. Thank God she was at her dad’s. I worry if my husband could blowup on hersomeday.

We’ve talked quite a bit about this, but eventually, there’s nothing else to say. He's really good with words. He says all the right things, which makes it easy to forgive and forget. But sometimes his actions don’t quite match what craps out of his mouth.

One minute I want to pack my things and leave. This isn't the way marraige is suppose to be. Am I overreacting?

BlueCreek

I think your going to get strong agreement from the people here that the answer to your question, "Am I overreacting?" is a resounding...NO.

Look, did he slap you or punch you? No.

But are you going to just wait around until he does? If he can snap like that and yell those things at your and literally drag you out of your car and pin you to it against your will, are you going to gamble that when he snaps again, it might just be a punch? It could be far worse. It sounds like when he flips out he has very little control. And the man flat out threatened you with worse than just verbal excuse if you take off.

This is not about a disagreement or emotional hurt, this is about violence, pure and simple. I have zero empathy towards the man for what he did and said.

Can you save your marriage, maybe, but I'd try and do so from a distance and I'd be very skeptical about anything he says or promises he makes. Even more serious than that, if you're willing to risk yourself, are you willing to risk your daughter. If he can do that to you (and it sounds to me like he got off on the dominance and power over you he felt) what might he do to your daughter.

Other people may tell you otherwise, but my serious opinion is move out, talk with your ex (since this affects his daughter, you should bring him into the loop) and call a lawyer asap. You need to handle this from a distance.

Amplexor

Absolutely!!!! Get out of the environment now. Maybe not divorce but get your self to a safe place and tell him to get some help. Medical or emotional he needs to deal with this anger. If you accept it an move on without help or consequence it will likely happen again. Make your statement now that he needs to seek help, initiate change or he’s done. Proceed with caution.

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Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

lost&confused

Thank you both for your replies. I honestly don't know why I'm searching for someone elses opinions. I should know what's acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship. I just needed a little reassurance... that what I'm feeling is justified. Thank you for giving me that.

swedish

You are absolutely justified. The replaying in your head and fears you now have I would guess are only going to cause you to walk on eggshells when he's around. That's no way for you or your daughter to live.

If his apologies and talking were all just words, I would seriously consider getting out asap...he needs to see a professional about his anger--it's not normal.

swedish

BTW, this in itself is very disturbing. If you do choose to leave, I'd look into a restraining order.

BlueCreek

Absolutely agree with this. That was pretty scary. I don't know how difficult it is to get a restraining order on he said/she said, but it is important to look into. Good luck!

draconis

You are not over reacting to verbal abuse, and crimal threatening. Many states what he did constitues domestic violence.

draconis

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lost&confused

Thanks everyone. I guess I need to take an assessment of my life. Right now I'm going through the different emotional stages... one second I think everything will be fine and the next I'm ready to pack my bags. I need to get to a point where I'm not bouncing back and forth and decide where I want to go from here. I'm 35... life is too short!

tryingtotrust

LEAVE THIS MAN! I had a similar situation with my son's father. He was very emotionally abusive and cruel toward me. I stayed with him because he kept telling me i would never do any better than him and no one else would want me with a baby. I was so beaten down that I believed him until one day when our son was 10 months old. My son was crying, as babies sometimes do, and his father had an angry outburst and threw him on the sofa to quiet him down. I picked up my son, walked out the door, called the police and haven't looked back. That was nine years ago.

Point i'm trying to make is, your daughter may become one of his victims if you don't leave. Even if he doesn't hurt her, is it healthy for her to see such angry outbursts from him? Do you want her to think this is normal behavior from a man?

Good luck, i know this is not an easy decision for you.

33_momma_of4

I was with my first husband for 8 years. The first four-five, we argued alot. But he never "hit" me. He did pull my arms, grab them and even spit in my face. It took until 8 years for me to this as "abusive". On Jan 1, he "punched" me and gave me a black eye. Even today, I have to stop myself when telling my story. Because I never considered him "abusive" until he blacked my eye. I now know it was abuse. Even if he didn't punch or slap me.

After we divorced, he broke into my apartment to see if I was dating someone else. He was due to pick up the kids later that evening. Instead of bringing the children, I showed up to confront him about the break in and to tell him I filed a report. I then proceeded to call him "psycho". He pinned me up against my car, and with every ounce of evil in his eyes, he told me "I had not seen phycho yet".

Even if he didn't hit or slap you. He still layed his hands upon you in an inapproriate manner to hurt you and/or control you. You have to know that your not over reacting. And I think you know that too. Your just wanting reassurance. Is he possibly using drugs? Making excuses to get out of the house and then being more controlling? Just a thought.....

I counseled battered woman for three years after my experience. 80% of woman who are abused don't consider it abuse if they are not being kicked, punched or slapped around. (just like myself at the time!) Please make it known to him when he apologizes that this behavior will never be tolerated again, and whatever you threaten....don't make empty threats. He'll never take you seriously.

Good luck!