pinishie

i don't know where else to turn to, so hopefully i'll find some solace here.

my husband and i have been married for a year and a half, and are 3/4 of the way through a year long teaching contract in asia. things have been a little strained for a while. i just thought that it was because we were so far away from home and our normal lives, but i think there might be something more.

we have met many people while living here, but none like 'jane'. my husband and 'jane' hit it off right away because they share many common interests, and she wanted him to teach her skills to help her improve (this is photography, btw). ever since then, we hang out every weekend, sometimes during the week, and i've been getting very jealous because he shows her far more attention then he shows me. we've talked about this a lot, and every time we talk about it he says i'm crazy, and that i don't trust him. i do, that's not the issue, i just get jealous with the attention he bestows upon her.

this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. we all hung out all weekend (with other friends, not just the three of us) and all he did was talk to her. i confronted him tonight, and after i told him that they were flirting together, i asked him if he was uphappy, and he said yes. now, in 6 years of us being together, i've seen my husband cry twice. tonight, he almost came to tears.

he says it's not because of her. he says it might be because of us being in asia, but he wasn't sure. every time i asked him what was wrong, he said 'i don't know'. during our conversation, that was the majority of his responses to my questions.

one good thing about 'jane' is that she is leaving to go back to her own country in a month. she's a sweet girl, and it's hard not to hang out with her because she's part of our circle of friends, and my husband and her share so much artistic aspirations in common, so we have to hang out. but her home country is about as far away from asia as possible, and as far away from our home country as possible.

could it be because of her? he said that he would tell me he was interested in another woman before he would act on his feelings, but i've been cheated on before (not by him, but two other guys who i was serious with before him) so i've been hurt deeply before.

could it be because of me? i've gained some weight over the past months being here (when i teach so many hours i tend to be far too exhausted to work out like i was before we moved here). i plan on working out and losing this weight, in hopes that he'll renew his affection for me.

i plan on a) not nagging him to tell me what's wrong, b) doting on him and making him feel as loved as possible, c) planning outings and trips for just the two of us, and d) let him work out his feelings. what else can i do?

i wish i knew what to do, where to put the bandage to heal his wounds, what the next steps are.

franklinfx

hello welcome to the forum

1st- I would like to say that I think you H is a total knob, for hanging all over this "jane" girl in front of you, thats totally not cool no matter how much I liked talking to another woman, I would never disrespect me wife to her face like that.

2nd- now for the tough love, I think some women really underestimate how important maintaining their looks is, in keeping their husbands interest, Funny cause they seem to concentrate so hard on looking good before marriage Truth is, men are much more shallow than women.

I hope I dont come off as harsh or judgmental but I think you could really do wonders for getting his attention back, by losing the xtra weight, cut back on how much food you eat, and cut out any "goodies". the lbs will come off.

"doll up" a bit too, trust me itll work best of luck!

fixit62

Hi Pinishie,
I have been married over 27 years and am recently going through something similar. I met a female friend at the gym, and we found we had a lot in common. We were very motivational for one another, and ended up spending a lot of time together. The problem was that our spouses werent being there emotionally for us. I got to feeling unhappy too, but I knew it was because I was going too far. I have stopped seeing my friend, and now work solely on giving that attention to my wife. You need to really talk to each other, get it all out in the open. This is no time to hold anything back. There is more there than just a good friend he has made....she was able to feed him emotionally, with friendship and common interest. Us guys are pretty simple, we crave the attention as good as any of the ladies do.

everantisocial

Though not as glamorous this reminds me of my situation. Me and my husband moved out to the countryside, away from our social network and social activities. It put a strain on our marriage as we were together all the time and got into a rut. Unfortunately for me, a person from his past took advantage of this and used this change in the dynamic of our marriage to chip away at my husband and help him to create a fantasy world where I had made him unhappy and she was the answer to all his problems.

You need to get him away from this woman immediately, it doesn't matter if she is in your friendship circle or not. She will appear new and exciting because she doesn't have to deal with the mundane things of married life like you do. Anyone looks attractive when they don't have to wash his underwear and scrub the toilet.