So confused, I just don't know what to do/think/feel - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 08-01-2010, 11:53 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy So confused, I just don't know what to do/think/feel

I have been married almost five years now, I do really love my husband and want things to work but right now I just don't know what to do/think/feel.

There were so many categories I could have posted in, so I figured this would be the best as it is "General". I must apologize if it seems I write in circles but I'm trying to be avoided getting picked up in Google.

I married an someone ten years my senior, I am wife number two, so he says though I have recently found documentation that may prove I am the first and that the prior was not a true wife. That hurts that he may have lied about that but I can understand why he would if she was a wife of his heart and she bore him a child and though it is not a stigma anymore maybe he felt it would be.

I have also recently found evidence that he may have lied about a large part of his personal history, completely fabricating years of stories. I always trusted him before but now I wonder if all this is a lie, what else is?

Aside from this, we are arguing about finances. Major fighting, the hard thing is that he is in the military and currently on the other side of the world. So even though I am able to seek counseling it is very one sided. We have a small son, who was a surprise but great joy non the less.

The reason I mention the age difference between us is because he always brings it into play. He has always been so good to me, but it is always me striving to make him happy. He threatens to leave me, I don't think he wants to but I'm so lost. Who knows if he even really loves me. I think he does somewhere but I just don't know anymore.

I do suffer from depression but I am on medication and that is helping alot. Communication was just reopened this weekend (He had said he wanted silence) and I kept myself from being antagonistic towards him even in a passive aggressive manner (which he has been very skilled at recently waging warfare via a public networking site but thinking that I don't know what it is he is up to).

I try my very best to do everything he asks in order to please him, but at what point to I just say "enough"? I love him dearly and I love our son and want us to stay a family but I don't know how much more I can take. I feel as though I will never be good enough for him and that I don't even truly know who he is. I'm just so lost right now. He pushes and pulls me emotionally and I think I'm getting virtual motion sickness. Everyday I try for motivation to do things and sometimes I succeed but a lot of the time its feels as though my heart is ripping in two and crumbling while still in my chest.

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 08-01-2010, 12:36 PM
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Re: So confused, I just don't know what to do/think/feel

It reads like he is manipulating you and your emotions. Given the fact that you have to be extra careful with your post tells me he is very dominant in his behaviour.

I think reading between the lines; if you try having an open conversation he is going to manipulate you to doing as he wants and deriding you as a person.

So since we cannot get all the detail and the standard answers of therapy I will assume will not work. I am going to suggest a few items for you

Work on a plan to get some space from him to get control of your mind and emotions

If you do not have a job get one, secure your own financial earnings into your own account. You need some independence just in case.

As for your well being go out with friends, socialise keep busy do exercise, keep your mind occupied.

I sincerely think you need to move out of his reach or a period of time, as he is not at home at the moment, do not answer his mails, phone calls and any other form of communication.

Set a boundary that you will not tolerate his kind of behaviour, let him know this.

Communication will only start if he treats you with dignity and respect, do you have family who can support you on this.

You need to rediscover yourself as a person, understand your strengths and work on your weaknesses.

Interacting with others, getting a qualification – diploma / degree (you may already have one), being employed all help you grow in yourself.

The biggest change is for you to know and believe that you are his equal and that you can stand and be on your own.

There is a quote .. “You don’t need him in your life, You want him in your life as you love him” - is the position you need to be in. This gives you and equal option of walking away should you need to .
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