I have been married almost five years now, I do really love my husband and want things to work but right now I just don't know what to do/think/feel.
There were so many categories I could have posted in, so I figured this would be the best as it is "General". I must apologize if it seems I write in circles but I'm trying to be avoided getting picked up in Google.
I married an someone ten years my senior, I am wife number two, so he says though I have recently found documentation that may prove I am the first and that the prior was not a true wife. That hurts that he may have lied about that but I can understand why he would if she was a wife of his heart and she bore him a child and though it is not a stigma anymore maybe he felt it would be.
I have also recently found evidence that he may have lied about a large part of his personal history, completely fabricating years of stories. I always trusted him before but now I wonder if all this is a lie, what else is?
Aside from this, we are arguing about finances. Major fighting, the hard thing is that he is in the military and currently on the other side of the world. So even though I am able to seek counseling it is very one sided. We have a small son, who was a surprise but great joy non the less.
The reason I mention the age difference between us is because he always brings it into play. He has always been so good to me, but it is always me striving to make him happy. He threatens to leave me, I don't think he wants to but I'm so lost. Who knows if he even really loves me. I think he does somewhere but I just don't know anymore.
I do suffer from depression but I am on medication and that is helping alot. Communication was just reopened this weekend (He had said he wanted silence) and I kept myself from being antagonistic towards him even in a passive aggressive manner (which he has been very skilled at recently waging warfare via a public networking site but thinking that I don't know what it is he is up to).
I try my very best to do everything he asks in order to please him, but at what point to I just say "enough"? I love him dearly and I love our son and want us to stay a family but I don't know how much more I can take. I feel as though I will never be good enough for him and that I don't even truly know who he is. I'm just so lost right now. He pushes and pulls me emotionally and I think I'm getting virtual motion sickness.
Everyday I try for motivation to do things and sometimes I succeed but a lot of the time its feels as though my heart is ripping in two and crumbling while still in my chest. Blue Aurora