Wife spends the night at another man's house
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife spends the night at another man's house

Hi,

I was wondering what is everyone's feeling about letting your spouse spending the night at the house of someone of the opposite sex.

1 What are your thoughts on this subject in general?

2. Under the following circumstances would you still do it?

My wife's female best friend moved out and her husband let's call him John stays behind in order to wrap things up with the house and his job.

We cannot do yardsale where we live and John happens to be doing a yardsale in order to clear some stuff out.

My wife will do a yard sale at John's place since we cannot do it where we live.

On Friday my wife tells me that she needs to go over to his place to prepare all the prices and have everything ready to start early.
She leaves around 8pm. By 10pm, she calls me saying that she has been drinking and that I should come over. I told her that I would pass as I didn't feel like loading the kids in the car just to have a few drinks.
A little bit latter, she calls me and asked if she could spend the night since it is late and they are going to start setting up all the signs early.
I felt convinced by her that it would be a good idea since she had been drinking and it would save time and sleep, so I told her that it was okay to sleep at his place even though his wife had moved out of state for a month now.

The question is, would you still do it under these circumstances?

When I woke up the next, I felt like I made the wrong decision.

Urgent update:
She confessed to having cheated on Friday the 23rd but only that one night... She said that she did not go there with the intent to cheat. The guy took her to the store and bought some alcohol. They were chatting and decided to have a few drinks. After a few drinks he started playing the guitar and she joined him by singing and as they talked more one thing led to another...
She slept with him without any protection!!! She doesn't remember all the details as she was drunk and it was an accident.

She also said that if I had picked up her up maybe it would not have happen with him, but she admitted that it's very possible that she would have cheated in the future.


Regards,

Aragorn

Last edited by Aragorn; 08-04-2010 at 07:32 AM.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

Not a chance in hell. She has kids and a husband at home, but goes to another mans house and starts drinking? She did ask you to come get her, i guess, and i think i would have been right over there to get her.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

Personally, I would not be happy if my boyfriend spent the night at another woman's house. On the other hand, she told you to come over, and you refused. What other options did she have? She told you she'd been drinking, and you didn't go over there? Yes, I suppose she could have called a cab, but then you could be complaining about the money spent on a cab and having to get up early to take her back over there.

That's my initial take on it. After some more thinking, in order to honestly answer your questions, I need to ask a couple of my own.

1. You say your wife's best friend "moved out" and this is the best friend's husband. You then mention the best friend having left the state. Are best friend and hubby still together and simply moving out of state, or are they separating? The reason I ask this is that this is your wife's best friend's husband. If they are still together, unless your wife is a really horrible person, I highly doubt she's going to jeopardize her friendship to sleep with her friend's husband. As a general rule, we women don't mess with our friend's men, or ex-men. Now, if the friend and her hubby are splitting up, I suppose it could be possible that your wife and her hubby are hooking up, but really...I doubt it.

2. Has your wife ever given you reason to not trust her? If she hasn't, then why are you so worried? I'll be honest, I've been cheated on by numerous ex-boyfriends and my ex-husband. So, it's really easy for me to take a missed phone call or a lack of contact for a day and turn it into my boyfriend is cheating on me, banging some waitress somewhere. But...he's NEVER done anything to make me think he would do that. He's NEVER cheated, NEVER lied, NEVER done anything that could even be remotely termed dishonest or vague. He's very honest, very straightforward. So, when those doubts begin to enter my head, I remind myself of all the "nevers" and force the doubts to go away, because I know they're unfounded. And unless your wife has given you reason to think she can't be trusted, I think that's what you need to do: remind yourself that she's never cheated, never lied, and so on. If you can't do that, then one of two things has happened: either she has done something to earn your distrust and you're pretending otherwise, or you have some serious issues of your own to work on.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aragorn View Post
2. Under the following circumstances would you still do it?
NFW Bad Plan!
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

Drinking and an overnight stay?

No way. Irresponsible on her part to be drinking and unable to get home and call you at 10 p.m.
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Old 08-03-2010, 10:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

I would in no way be ok with this. I would question why she started drinking in the 1st place and 2ndly, I would've gone right over there when she asked. Not because I don't trust my W, but since you never really said how well you know the husband, whose to say he wouldn't slip her a 'mickey'? You never know and I wouldn't allow my W to be put in a situation that could bring her harm.
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Old 08-03-2010, 10:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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yeah that is one situation where you should have "sucked it up" and packed up the kids and went to get your wife. The if for any other reason than she had been drinking and we all know what "can" happen when too much alcohol is consumed.
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Old 08-03-2010, 11:55 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

No matter the circumstances, my answer would be NO.

They should have cut down on the drinking too.
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

No, wife does not sleep over at another man's house by herself unless it's her father, brother or my parent's house.

No exceptions.
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

I do regret my decision and I should have loaded my three and one year old in the car, but now I can never go back...

Do you guys think it's okay for a spouse to even sleep over in general? My wife has told me last week that she intends to do sleep over at her gay friend's place who is moving downtown.

To atruckersgirl,

To question 1: I do not know why her best friend had to move out so suddenly a month ago. The story that I was told is that they were no longer happy to live here. My wife has not been able to reach best friend on the phone for month since she last move.

To question 2:
Two years ago my wife introduced some doubts in the marriage when she told me that she was going out clubbing with some girls. In reality, I found out when I looked at the phone record that it was a guy that she went with. She had deleted the calls, but I was able to retrieve them through my phone carrier. That night, my wife came home at 5am!

Now back to 2010.
I started getting nervous about the sleeping over incident when she told me that she sold only two dollars where as she normally sells a lot more(did they even do a yardsale?). My wife normally post on craiglist, but I never found it.
On Sunday, I went to see my mom with the kids. She calls me and said that she had gone over to John to pick up some remaining things from the yardsale.
During last week, she called John everyday especially on Monday and Wednesday where she is home alone as my mom watches the kids.

In addition, my wife has been distant and argumentative a lot last week. I don't think I have ever been so unhappy in this marriage.
She also seem to have the mommy crisis. She said that she needs to spend more time with her friends and that she needs to be going out more.

By the way, I did confront her last weekend, but she maintains that nothing happen and she sees John only like a brother that she can talk to. She also said that it is ridiculous for me to think that she would cheat with the husband of her best friend.

I want to believe my wife but she has been showing some suspicious signs:
Make up on everyday as opposed to only when we go out.
She dresses very sexy during the day.(one of my neighbor even mentioned my wife very sexy dresses).
She said that she needs space to figure out what she wants to do with her life.
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

aragorn, there are some serious red flags here that suggest there is some type of affair going on, whether physical or emotional. I would get some hard evidence and press her with that info to get some answers.
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

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Originally Posted by atruckersgirl View Post
Personally, I would not be happy if my boyfriend spent the night at another woman's house. On the other hand, she told you to come over, and you refused. What other options did she have? She told you she'd been drinking, and you didn't go over there? Yes, I suppose she could have called a cab, but then you could be complaining about the money spent on a cab and having to get up early to take her back over there.
what other options did she have? how about SKIP THE DRINKING?!? was that an option? wasd that a requisite to the yard sale? get drunk? so drunk she couldnt make it home? bulls#!t!

and how do YOU know he'd complain about ther cab money or getting up early to take her back over there?
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

This was wife for 13 years, and today I regrett the "long leash" I gave her.
5-1/2 months ago she came completely clean and it was not pleasant.
After confronting her,I gave her 1/2 an hour to decide what she wanted, as I started packing. She stopped me so I began laying out the new ground rules. as she rebut each new rule she didn't like I threw more things in my bags. she final submitted.
It is a shame my wife has to be treated like my teenager duaghter, with all the investigating I have to do but that is the result of her disloyality. She can take or leave it
Man up and take control
tough love or set them free
You will respect your self in the end Ineeded this I felt direspected for years.
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I just ordered a gps, so at least I will get an idea of where she goes it's just her by herself especially on Monday and Wednesday!

I will be meeting a psychologist specializing in marriage counseling next week.

Last Thursday she meet a gay friend to chat. However, by 10:30pm I knew the place where they were chatting was closing so I called her. She said that she was having a good time and I heard a friend in the background say hi to me.
At 1:30AM, she still wasn't home so I decided that I was going to do a quick drive by where John lives. Her car was parked outside and John's van as well.

I was really upset, I focused my mind to come down and then called and asked her nicely where she was and when she was planning on coming home. She told me that she was at John's house with her gay friend. Once again, I heard her gay friend who I heard him that I should come over. Anyway, my wife told me that she would come home for sure before I have to leave for work.
She came home at 3:30AM.
Had a gay friend not been at John's house I would have been sure of an affair, but because the friend was there I want to remain hopeful.
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Old 08-03-2010, 01:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife spends the night at another man's house

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
This was wife for 13 years, and today I regrett the "long leash" I gave her.
5-1/2 months ago she came completely clean and it was not pleasant.
After confronting her,I gave her 1/2 an hour to decide what she wanted, as I started packing. She stopped me so I began laying out the new ground rules. as she rebut each new rule she didn't like I threw more things in my bags. she final submitted.
It is a shame my wife has to be treated like my teenager duaghter, with all the investigating I have to do but that is the result of her disloyality. She can take or leave it
Man up and take control
tough love or set them free
You will respect your self in the end Ineeded this I felt direspected for years.
yeah i agree with ya, that was similar to my previous marriage too but at last I grew tired of being the freaking "affair police" and just left....
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