Help me! My husband is a baby.......
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Old 06-25-2008, 09:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help me! My husband is a baby.......



Okay, seriously, I don't know how to deal with this. When I first met my husband 8 yrs ago. He was hardwoking, determined and competitive. I had two small children from my previous marriage. We now have two more. So four total, ages 14-4.

Here is the problem: He has a job that he has been at for 20 years. No where he would go could match his salary. He has very good benefits. Esepcially disibility. Over the last few years, I've noticed his drive at work has changed dramatically. He has no desire for quailty work anymore. Both at home and on his job. This man gets a paper cut and complains about it for days saying how "deep" it is and how bad it hurts. In the past, I've never babied him. (Although he is an only child and his mom does that often!) In the past he had a vasectomy and was out of work for two months. (Disibility leave) and now has twisted his knew, and took off for almost a month! I've told him kindly that he exaggerates the pain and how much of a burden he puts on the family when he does that. He's become very lazy and all he wants to do is sit in his recliner and watch TV. We have four small children, a large house and I have a daycare during the day. (I have a finished basement with a kitchen, so we are all downstairs) He does take zoloft for depression. He is diabetic, however, that is under control. He does have high blood pressure and takes meds for that too. I cook three meals a day, take care of our kids, plus four more. Make sure laundry is done, the house is clean. But have recently had to pick up yard work and all his chores too. It makes me so upset and angry when I see him sit there and do nothing. When I see him get up and think I'm not looking without his limp, I get so furious!

His doctor told him his knee is just a little arthritis, and has given him the strongest meds he can. But he insists it still hurts, and demands restrictions from the doctor so he don't have to work. Monday night the disibilty center from his work called and told him that he had to return to work on Tues, that they were making his boss find him light duty. He was pissed! So, yesterday he called the doctors office, left a message and told them that "his work was making him do something he was not supposed to be doing" and then told them to call me. When the lady from the doctors office called, I was furious. "I told her I didn't know what he was talking about, that he was on light duty and his restrictions were just that he couldn't walk up steps or ladders and his boss made sure he won't have to" I then told her that my husband would need to take care of this and talk to the doctor when he came in today for his appointment. I called my husband and asked him why he lied and why he had her call me. He then got mad and said "I guess I'll just have to suck it up and work" I told him maybe it was time to find a new job if he was making excuses to get out of work so much...and that if it bothered him with me working from home in daycare that I would get a job outside the home as well.

I feel like sometimes I'm being selfish. But I just can't deal with this behavior anymore. I am constantly taking care of kids, and he is acting like another one. I can not continue to pull his weight around the house while he does nothing.

Here is the real kicker though. Last week, I was hospitalized with what they thought was a bleed on my brain. Airlifted to a larger facility. I just got a diagnosis of MS. I am constantly dizzy and have constant headaches. I don't complain though. If I can, I keep going. At night when I just want to cry knowing I have to get up and do it all over again in the morningh. And there has been plenty of times I do. I just wanna scream at him and tell him to be a man! I've all but done that. I've had several serious conversations with him on how he is acting. Last night, I could of packed up the kids and walked out the door. I try not to make comments about my health to him, but I did. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I told him at that moment I was so dizzy I was about to pass out and I just needed to close my eyes. He then proceeded to tell me "I didnt' say anything about it, but I was so dizzy and my stomach hurt earlier today".

If I have a headache, his is worse, if I am dizzy, he is too. Etc, etc,.... So I just don't say anthing anymore. I deal with this disease on my own....I feel like a single mother trying to hold the fort together. I just can't emotionally or physically do it anymore. I start IV infusions next week for my MS and I'm scared to death of how I'm going to feel afterwards. Who is going to take care of the kids, the house.......

Someone please help me. I'm so tired of being his support and soft landing place all the time. I just can't take care of another baby anymore. He's done NO research on MS, and has NO idea the list of complications I struggle with DAILY! And I'm not letting him walk all over me. I have a solid self esteem. I'm just trying to be a good wife and do the right things for my family. I DO talk to him about how I feel about the burdens he has placed on me and our family by always being in "pain" and complaining about everything.

He is one of the most selfish people I've ever met in my life. He hides food from the kid, sex is selfish, his complaining, his time, etc,...... I know some of this probably comes with being an only child and his mom doing everthing for him..... But I'm tired of it all.

Someone please give me some advice here................ Please, I'm desperate! Would love to hear from men here too. Tell me how I need to word this to him. Because he's not getting the 'round about' approach'!
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Old 06-25-2008, 10:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

Wow. wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Did I say, wow?

I thought you were exaggerating with that title. I have two kids, ages 1 & 4, and both are tougher than that. Your husband has got to be one of the most self absorbed persons I have ever heard of. I don't even know if calling him a baby is strong enough. I'm normally all about marriage counseling and that in almost all cases both people have to make adjustments for a marriage to get back on track. But seriously, you have one messed up husband.

You are a obviously a VERY strong person and I have no doubt you will come up with the best decision for yourself and your kids and then you'll act on it. I don't see any hemming or hawing in you, which is great. But the saddest thing for me is that you should not have to be worrying about this. For what you are going through now and will have to in the future, you deserve 100% total commitment and support from your husband. Even if he was acting like a baby before, that he didn't snap into shape immediately upon your diagnosis baffles me. I know you are asking for advice on what you can tell you husband to open his eyes and turn him around, but when just hearing your diagnosis couldn't change him, then I have no clue what you could possibly say to "man" like that to turn his actions around. I do hope others on here can give you real advice, and not just sympathy.

I really hope you have more family in your area to help you, and I'm sure you're already looking into MS support groups. But neither of those really quite replaces the emptiness you probably feel because you can't lean on the person that you chose to be the one who would support and stand by you the rest of your life. I don't know if it is possible for a person to fail their spouse in a worse possible way than to basically abandon them when they are needed most, and his emotional abandonment is just as severe as a physical one.

I really hope you do find the support you need, my prayers are definitely with you and your children.
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Old 06-25-2008, 11:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

Quote:
Originally Posted by 33_momma_of4 View Post
I just got a diagnosis of MS.
He sounds a lot like my Ex as I was reading along, but I have to tell you when I got to this part, I was floored. If this did not get him to step up to the plate, I don't know what will.

I'm really sorry to hear you have had to deal with this news on your own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 33_momma_of4 View Post
I'm just trying to be a good wife and do the right things for my family....
Tell me how I need to word this to him. Because he's not getting the 'round about' approach'!
You have been supermom and then some. It's easy to fall into a pattern of putting everything into your family and putting yourself last, but if you do have family/friends that can help you, I would recommend leaning on them now, so you can do what you need to for your health.

I definitely think subtle will not work with your husband. At this point, I would not even bring up any details with what you need how you are feeling as he will most likely not take any action but just one up you with his pains of the day.

I would flat out tell him that you cannot work, run the household and take care of your health while he sits around adding to your workload and not helping at all & you are not going to do it anymore....give him an ultimatum...go back to work, start counseling & put some effort into getting well or I'm done.
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

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Originally Posted by swedish View Post
I would flat out tell him that you cannot work, run the household and take care of your health while he sits around adding to your workload and not helping at all & you are not going to do it anymore....give him an ultimatum...go back to work, start counseling & put some effort into getting well or I'm done.
Based on your husband's reactions so far, I have serious doubts that anything you can say will help your husband get with the program, but this is pretty solid advice, you may have no choice but to go the ultimatum route. After the kids are all put to bed, turn of the tv, sit in front of him and tell him flat out the free ride is over. Tell him that you simply cannot handle an extra "baby" any more and that you need him to fulfill what he promised the day you were married and support you from now on. Let him know in total detail exactly how incredibly difficult it is for you to go through this, work, manage a household, and raise four kids, but if necessary you will do it alone because taking care of four babies alone is still better than five.

Maybe I'm being harsh, but while I know how selfish people can be, it is just unfathomable to me that a spouse can be so incredibly self centered given the circumstances. I'm so frustrated by this and it's not even happening to me.
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

Thank you two so much for your advice. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish, and somedays I feel like I need to be more firm with him.

At this point, seriously, I don't know what, if anything will change, even after telling him yesterday to find a new job if he was that unhappy with this one---he is still insisting that he can't work because of his knee. I've told him, he is doing nothing more at work physically than he does at home. So, he's at the doctors right now and something tells me he's asking for stricter restrictions so that he won't have to go back to work. I don't get it. If I could have 8 hours of 'freedom' and no chaos from home AND get paid $40 an hour for it. I'M SO GONE!!!!

I am calling a counselor for us today though! He needs it for whatever depression/feelings he has towards work. I need it for myself, and we need it together! I'm reaching the point of beind done. Because I just can't do this anymore without help!

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much, you've made me feel wonderful just with your words!
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Old 06-25-2008, 07:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

How old are both of you. Is your husband younger than you?
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Old 06-25-2008, 10:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

Has he ever fully been check out?

For a long time I sucked it up worked 80+ hour weeks while my parents and friends said that I wasn't really as sore as I claimed until they (the doctors) found out that I had the rarest form of MD through DNA testing. It maybe possible that your husband to is suffering from a medical condition and has just never said anything to his doctor. Before being harsh on him have him get every physical he can to make sure he is alright. With the onset of MD I understand what you are going through with MS although mine is in the muscles not the nerves like yours.

The earier they catch it the more they can help you with this.

I wish you well.

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Old 06-26-2008, 07:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

My husband just turned 40. I am 33.

And if he had isses all the time with things that were related, I may be more sympathetic. However, this is whatever injury he can complain about. For instance, his vasectomy. He was out 2 months with it. Oh, and I am sure they don't feel good. But the guys at work even asked if they cut his #$% off because thats they way it sounded. (You would think with them teasing him he would snap out of it..nah!) I insisted that he go back to the urologist if the pain was that bad, that something might be wrong. He refused. Until I made his appointment and drug him. The doctor said "it went fine, in fact it was one of the easier ones I've done"!!!!! If he gets a paper cut, I hear about how deep it is and he needs stitches. They did MRI's on his knee. It is a "little arthritis" the doctor mentioned knee surgery later down the road when he is older and it gets better. He told everyone he needed knee surgery right away, and that he "had no cartlidge in his knee" Thats NOT what the doctor said! He had to have a cardiac cath last year because they thought he had blockage, he went to work and told his co workers he had to have a bypass. Its a sympathy thing...and for the life of me, don't understand why he feels he needs to lie about that kinda stuff.

Its not just health sympathy stuff either. Its everything. If he exagerates every story he tells. To the point where EVERYONE knows it. But he don't get that they all get it...and see how he is. And he don't get embaressed. There is no problem with his ego!

I just don't get it. I understand "hurt" believe me, I do! But I get being a baby about everything in life. And watching him walk out to the shed with NO LIMP and acting as if no one were looking, after I spent the day cleaning and busting my ass while he sat in his recliner and pouted all day. Or the other day when I got pissed and finaly went out to do the landscaping that has been there for the last month, I couldn't pull a thick weed because of the MS that was affecting my hands that day. I asked him if he could possibly go out with me and pull a couple of ivy vines. He did.....and then acted as if nothing were wrong, and helped me for the next 2 hours. (And believe me, I'm not complaining about that!)


Just frutrating!
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Old 06-26-2008, 08:51 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Hopefully, they caught it early enough so that you can receive the best treatment for it.

I read your post and seriously had to wonder if we are married to the same man. I can feel your frustration, and I completely understand. My husband expects me to suck it up if i'm hurting, but he sure as h%$% expects sympathy when he has the slightest thing wrong with him.

I used to ask him every morning how he slept and finally I stopped because I got sick of hearing "like sh&*&". He sleeps in until about 10am every morning. We have a family business that requires one of us to get up at 6am and one to stay up until midnight. There is no way he could get up at 6, and even if he tried, i'd have to get up with him to make sure he did stuff on time. The thing is, I stay up until about 11pm to help him with the nighttime routine because I feel guilty going to bed and leaving him to do the job himself. I realize that's my issue, not his, but it makes me feel like I care more about him than he does about me.

Another example, I started having some upper back problems last summer, which has progressively gotten worse. We just got health insurance but have a really high deductible so we decided that I wouldn't go until absolutely necessary. That's fine. What really grates on my nerves is that he doesn't EVER offer to take out the garbage, help with housework, yard work(I cut the grass) anything that requires physical work from him. He considers his work "researching on the internet". I am at a point where I have absolutely no respect for my husband and it upsets me very much. I have talked to him about it in a nice way, but he doesn't seem to care. That is what hurts the most. He treats complete strangers better than me sometimes. I could go on and on about things, and I know i'm not perfect, but I take care of our son, take care of our house, work for the family business 7 days a week, plus do all of the chores. And I try to be loving and considerate. What worries me most is that our son sees how he is and may think that's how a man is supposed to act. Another thing, I take medication for OCD/depression and if I start to talk with him about my feelings, he asks if I took my "happy pill". Really nice.

I'm sorry that your husband doesn't appreciate you or what you do for him and your children. I honestly don't have any advice for you because i'm in the same situation. If he agrees to counselling, that may help. I wouldn't dare even suggest it to my husband. I think he'd rather divorce first. I hope he can learn to be a man, suck it up and start appreciating you.

Good luck
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Old 06-26-2008, 09:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

tryingtotrust,

I really do think it all boils down to a respect thing. And I'm with you...my husband told me that I don't seem to 'support' him in this injury like I hav ein the past'. And support goes both ways. I feel none either!

I too used to ask how his day was or how he slept. Anytime I asked, he would immediately start with how ****ty it was. He is possibly the most pessimistic man I've ever met in my life. I have real issues dealing with that much negativity, I guss
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Old 06-26-2008, 09:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm sorry we are in the same situation, but it honestly does help me to know i'm not alone.

Another thing that our husbands have in common: My husband exaggerates for sympathy as well. He also lies like he believes it to be the truth. I'll listen to him on the phone and he doesn't miss a beat. He can lie thru his teeth and i just look at him dumbfounded. It makes me wonder how often he lies to me. My husband is negative too. He'll get up from the chair and say f&%&. I'll ask him what's wrong and he'll say his muscles hurt. Well, maybe if you didnt' sit all day......
sorry i know that's not nice, but it's frustrating!
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Old 07-09-2011, 02:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I so sympathize with you! I also have a husband of this magnitude. He can do nothing without someone holding his hand, in fact he cannot go to the store without calling me five times to make sure that he has everything. He complains about working two jobs when in reality the two jobs he has only equal 60 hours and he is either sitting on a school bus driving or standing in a museum as security. He is lethargic and lazy. Not to mention his inability to process simple instructions, we just lost health coverage for our children because of a ridiculous misunderstanding. We have been together for seven plus years and throughout these seven years has not taken initiative to do anything with his life. It is almost regret I feel when I look at him. Being with him, is like carrying an extra 500 lbs on my back every day. Sorry to complain, but yes I sympathize and this is the first time I have ever said anything to anybody. I have talked to him and told him all this, but it doesn't matter. He would rather pout and feel sorry for himself than move on and try harder. Some men are just not capable to live life without there mommies holding there hand all the way.
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Old 07-09-2011, 04:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

There are a couple of good videos out there of handicapped people (I'm talking missing legs, arms, etc...) putting us all to shame. Like the guy who was missing both of his legs from the middle of the shin down who climbed to the top of Mt. Everest. Show him those next time he whines about a little paper cut.
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Old 07-09-2011, 10:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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WOW> Pretty hard to change a 40 yr old person. Sounds like he is setting up his retirement, SSI or??? Already has a caretaker,just needs a bit of cash to get by and he is in for early retirement. Sounds like you need to make a serious choice there! Maybe you need get rid of the husband and find yourself a real man to grow with. Maybe don't give anymore sympathy. Cut off the cable tv.
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Old 07-09-2011, 10:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help me! My husband is a baby.......

Wow 2 mos for a vasectomy? I had mine on a Fri and was back to work on Tues. ( had it when I was 38) There has to be something wrong physically or mentally. Hard working to lazy doesn't happen without reason. BTW I hope that your MS treatment goes well.
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