slickplant35

I have been married for 18 years. Well lets start with the latest. He is in his own business and he subcontracts out of one place. He is a carpet installer. The place he subs out of is very slow, but looking at the local paper I saw 2 other stores looking for installers and I told him. Well he blew up and told me I am a money hungry pig and on and on and on. We had a big fight and I tried to explain and wrote it on paper what we need for the month and of course it was a waste of time, he didn't want to look at it. He is always ready to criticize me but when it's in black and white he couldn't care less it's whatever and goes on with his day. It's never settled. I feel like he has given up on our family and I don't know what to do. He has become a different person and I don't know him anymore.
Yesterday I called him to find out what he wanted for dinner and all of a sudden he started to carry on. He was telling me how he went into the office this morning and saw paperwork of another installer and saw what he made which is the same money as my husband and he's not dealing with it anymore so I said to him if he isn't making more than you what's the difference keep quiet there isn't much work to open your mouth. Well you would have thought the world was coming to an end. He said he can't take this anymore and sometimes suicide seems perfect and why do I needle him and I should know when he's in a bad mood to keep my mouth shut. I only called to see what he wanted for dinner. He is insane lately. He told me if I am so worried about money I should get another job and he makes so much more than me and just never ending nonsense. I hung up and after work didn't go home. When I got home he was sleeping and I just went to bed. This morning I wrote him a letter and left it by his cellphone and haven't heard from him. Over the weekend we were arguing and I didn't come home that night and guess what he didn't look for me. It is so out of character for me to do that something I have never done before and he couldn't have cared less. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. My daughter is 15 and I feel like if I leave it will destroy her. He is like another child in my life. He never understands what I need for him. I guess I am looking for suggestions.

justean

how old is he?
personally i do believe in a male mid life crisis.
i think men deal with sitautions so differently to us women.
and my reason for this, is because we have the knack to chat.
we can talk about n e thing to n e one, but alot of men dont.
hide their true feelings and true emotions.
your hubby sounds very deep.
maybe he has other issues, but i agree with your insane bit.
sometimes my hubby goes of the rails and i really dont get his reasoning.
is your hubby depressed.
my hubby went to drs for his mood swings and agressive nature and put him on these tablets for depression, i promise i have a different man, but he had to learn from his own behaviour , how bad he was.
as for your hubby not going to look for you. i doubt if many men do. my hubby just leaves me. its not like i dont care attitude, its more of a give her, her space.
thats how they deal with it.
but we just take things more personally.but thats our nature. so do a compromise in your own head.

slickplant35

I have always been the one in this relationship to run the show and have to actually stand behind him and push push push. I feel tired and when the going gets tough he never takes a stand. I am just tired of him venting to me and then god forbid I say one word he's flies off the handle. His childhood I think has a lot to do with his communication skills and I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel like he is my child and constantly depends on me for everything but will never admit how much he depends on me. I am always wrong no matter what we fight about the tables are turned to be my fault. I just can't understand how someone can be so clueless and blind to my needs. I know this will sound silly but in the morning I always get up and make coffee and I tell him coffee is ready come and spend a few minutes with me before work and he can't even do that. We have no life together, he never wants to go anywhere but the race track, he races cars. I have had it, but very scared to venture out on my own. In my heart I know he will not change and I don't want to settle the rest of my life. I am so scared.

justean

men are big babies, most men same, always more this, or more that. but as a woman , you multitask better in your head than a man, thay cannot deal with lots of things at once.
why do you call him for dinner, just do it, no phone calls.
i dont phone my hubby.
besides what is going on in your marriage.
i am pointing out to you, that something is lacking.
i have a little relationship theory that i worked out myself.
i find that when one is lacking , they cause problems in other areas.

here it is.
think of a circle and section it into 1/3. a relationship is based in my opinion on trust, communication and sex.
so when one of these sections decreases. i,e fo example say your not communicating, then it could lead to decreased sex. so you get frustrated and then you row because your not getin satisfied and so on....
thats what i find n e way.
simplify what you do, dont row. take a back seat to his job.
i promise it does work.

swedish

posted twice...see below

slickplant35

My big problem is yes is a great man and I used to say he has so many good qualities and they out weight the bad but lately he doesn't have any good. He stresses over everything no matter how small it is and I can make a suggestion and he gets so pissed and in the end he does what I suggested. Sex life is crap, we hardly have sex and when we do he's selfish there too. A few weeks ago I went for a yearly exam and it came out abnormal and they wrote me to tell me. Well I was bummed over the weekend and he didn't give me any compassion or even a word of kindness. He was clueless. He truly doesn't care.

swedish

When did this start?

I am wondering if he at one point was happy with his business and that was his drive/focus? If work is slow due to the changing economy & he sees his career at a standstill after putting many years into it, maybe he is feeling trapped in a dead-end situation.

I know for me, my focus is home/family so I can take my career issues in stride, but when things are going on at home, that's another story. For my husband, his focus/drive is his work and when that's not going well, he gets pretty down.

If his outbursts are all related to work/finances, maybe try talking to him about his career. Not how to get the bills paid or make more money, but ask him how he's feeling about his business and future in it and whether he's happy with it or thought of either doing something else or changing the direction of his business, etc. Let him know you are supportive and see if he will open up about what is really bothering him. He just might feel to pressured with work/finances and is not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. If he sees you are supportive and open to his ideas, you both may find a way to make sacrifices/compromises in your current situation & be happier in the long run.

slickplant35

I have tried to let him make his own decisions, but what frustrates me is that when your in your own business and it dries up in one place you look further and if you looked further and there is nothing oh yes become panicked. He doesn't have the drive to look and pound the pavement for work and it frustrates me. I have tried to just sit back and watch, but when I am going to have to struggle to pay my bills out of stupidity it makes me even more angry. I know a marriage isn't all about bills, but when everything else is screwed up it just makes it worse. He doesn't have goals in life, I have always been the one to set them and he followed and I guess at the age of 38 I want to be taken care of. I have been at my job for 18 years and always been secure maybe not financially but within my life and myself and to see him fault me for everything I say to him to try and help when he can't help himself it makes me mad. I hope I don't sound off the walls but I am so frustrated. A few weeks ago I said to him my daughter was going to be at a friends house why don't you plan a date and take me out his response to me was why don't you plan and take me out.

justean

he wont change, alot of men dont, because they cant.
but sometimes your changing can change them.
i know your scared.
but when was the last time you when out with a friend or family member.
i think you need to find you again.
dress nice, and go out. even if you dont feel it right in your head to go out. you must still go out. you wil have fun and that can change you.
your hubby wil notice. i think you lack some confidence. but that can come. why dont you go to races with him. if you hate it, find your own hobby. what are your likes and or your daughters. focus on that as a starting point.

slickplant35

Another thing that bothers me is that he can blow off steam and carry on and 2 seconds later smile at me and say what's your problem. Everything is always about him sexually, life in general, never thinks about me. Never does anthing special, never thinks to bring me home flowers even if he picked it on the side of the road. I know I sound nuts

slickplant35

He used to race on asphalt and now he races dirt. When he raced asphalt I never missed a race. I hate the dirt it's horrible to sit there and the dirt flies in your face.
Huh lack confidence, I didn't think so, but beginning to wonder what's wrong with me. I don't want to take this anymore, but can't live financially on my own. I am scared for my daughter. I can't get him to understand any of this. He doesn't seem to care.

justean

ive had the same response of my hubby. not all the time, but its still been said.
your answer could have been simply ok, atleast then on the date, both of you could get the opportunity to talk and maybe iron things out.
book a hotel, daughter out for nite. worth a go if not for the time together, to c how you still for him.

swedish

If this has been going on for 18 years, it's unlikely he will change. I was with my ex the same number of years and in my 30's when I finally decided to leave. He married 2 months after we divorced and found someone new to take care of him. His lack of empathy with your test results is also something I had dealt with (he did a no show when a test result came out bad when I was pregnant and he was supposed to meet me at the Dr's office & invited a buddy over to drink beer the night of my mother's funeral & couldn't understand why I wasn't in the mood to hang out with them) If you decide to tell him you are done, he will most likely fear being on his own (assuming he has no where to go) and either shape up temporarily until things get better again or shape up for good.

slickplant35

It's funny that you mention a funeral. I lost my mom at the age of 23. I found out my mom had cancer when I was pregnant with my daughter and she was always in the hospital. I used to work all day and go by myself an hour away to the hospital and all he could ever say to me was oh don't worry she will be okay. He has always been not there but as I get older I can't and won't tolerate it anymore. He is not a drinker or do drugs but he doesn't have what it takes emotionally for me. I am a very strong person but when it comes to this and my life I am falling apart.

justean

im just letin you know, that were on a time delay here, so if this helps. it 18.10 in the uk. just incase my answers dont follow yours.

there is nothing wrong with you. and if you dont lack confidence, then the world is your oyster, you have to take it.
in what way are you scared for your daughter.
would he hurt her. or financially are you scared for her.
why dont you try it apart for a little.
it might be difficult to start with.
but my hubby and i split ( he had a one nite stand ) april 8 08. but we now live in same house. better financially for us.
but we dont row.
were actually getin on better and our kids are fine. hubby does what he wants to do , and vice versa.
but all i can say is, i have changed, but, and this isnt for him, but i notice the more i stay calm and collected , generally acting more like a man , i.e dont nag, the real woman things.
i have actually changed his response to me.