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Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 177
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Why fight for something you already have?
ANother letter....
Baby,
Thanks for lunch. The conversation was Deep and enlightening. I want to point out some things for you.
I'm not going to hurt you anymore, and I'm not going to try and force your hand. We have responsibilities that we built as a couple. We both made the Decision to get our house, take on family members, and be there for some of our friends. That's who we are! We got into this together and WE WILL get out of this together. Where it goes after that I don't know. Taking things Day by Day.
Now, You said you want to help people! You want to leave your mark! What do you think your doing right now? Look around you baby. Open your eyes up! Your doing exactly what you said you wanted to do, and you don't even realize it. You think that turning and traveling and doing missions overseas is going to leave a mark? If it does will it leave a mark to those it matters to? Traveling and seeing what the world has to offer is an amazing goal. Its a goal that I would like nothing more then to help you accomplish. I'm willing!
Look at yourself, forget about me for a minute and look at yourself. Look at your nephews. They love you. If you weren't there then who would they have. Look at the mark you are leaving for them, you give them hope, you give them something to hold onto. As screwed up as there life is you are the one that keeps them going. They are so Excited when they see you. You give them a release from the reality they have, there mother is wacked out and is addicted to sex. They don't have anything else that is stable in there life. The only role model they have as parent figures is really you and I. They never want to go home because they love you so much. They love you more then any kid I have ever seen love there aunt. Is that not making a change? Is that not helping someone?
Look at your Granny, she raised you. She set aside everything she had to help raise you. Now she turned toward us for help, and we are there for her. Because of having our house, we were able to get her out of Kansas and into a place where she has some sort of emotional support. We gave her a reason not to give up. Its you and I that have helped take some of the stress off of your Granny's life. Its me she turns to now and ask to look at her car...I love it. Its you she comes to when she is sick. You have given her the chance to see the beach again, ride a motorcycle, giving her breakfast in bed for the first time, even jump on a trampoline. We are making the last part of her life amazing. You and I are able to give back to her what she sacrificed to raise you and your sister. I personally think that is an accomplishment. It makes me feel good inside, and I know it makes you feel good. We have done so much for her, I haven't seen your granny this happy in awhile! Is that not making a mark?
What about your sister? Yeah she is wacked out, no she doesn't have any sense of self esteem or motivation. But she knows that you are there if she needs you. I can guarantee that she looks at you and wonders how you do it. How can someone be so Strong when they have so much on there plate? How someone can show so much love to a complete stranger and do it with a smile on there face. One day your sister is going to look at you and thank you for all that you have done.
What about my family? Look what you have done for them! You've given my mom some one to call when her life is to stressful. You gave her the strength to make it through when she thought she had Breast Cancer. You sat by her side when she went into surgery. You have reassured her that she is able to do anything she is wanting to do! Look at my cousin. You guided her out of the path of destruction she was headed into. You gave her someone to look up to. You showed her what a true Women is. We gave her the strength to help my uncle get clean and make it through rehab. We enabled her hold her family together. You have inspired her to step up help with her sisters baby, even though it was not her responsibility. What about D***d? You and I give him hope that he has a place in life. He was a messed up Drug baby, Doctors said that he won't have any emotions or understanding of love. But he does....when he is sick he knows you will bring him a sprite and crackers. He loves US. He can see, even in his messed up mind, that you and I are hurting. He knows and why because of your strength and commitment. That is what I call a Mark. That is what I consider making a change in someone's life. That is an amazing accomplishment. You can't see that?
What about my brother? He looked up to us. He tried to model his marriage after ours. Not how it is now but how it was. We gave him to strength to slow down on his drinking. He was ready to kill himself a few years back and We were there for him. He looks at you like a sister. You hugged him and told him things were going to be fine. Look at him now, he is getting a house, has a decent job and is raising three beautiful kids.
You don't call that a Mark?
Most everything you do baby whether you realize it or not has helped or changed someone's life. I can't understand why you feel like your not helping people. Why do you feel stuck? Your helping people everyday. You have made an everlasting impression on so many peoples lives. Why are you feeling like you have to leave the country or this area to help people. You started a recycling movement in this city. You got me recycling. Your gave me a kick in the ass and helped me jump back on track. You are following a passion, something I was able to help get you into, and are excelling at it. You were asked to be a DM for someone and your not even certified. Joel brags about your diving ability to everyone. Is that not something to be happy or proud of. You want to live you life for you, then Damnit Live it. Quit beating yourself up about the things that we have that will never go away. Your Family, they are your greatest strength and NO MATTER WHAT will always love you. Same goes for me, I have and always will be that strength for when you need me, but if you don't need me right now it doesn't mean that you have dump me off or push me away. I am content with providing for you and working so that I can enable you to continue with your dreams. What good will come out of doing this on your own? Follow what is going to make you happy. Let me handle my Responsibilities as a MAN. I am responsible for keeping a roof over our heads, I'm responsible for providing food for our family. Let ME do that! Quit pushing me away. WHAT are you afraid of? Travel baby, if I can't go, then I will be here when you come home with open arms. I want to share you experiences in life with you, whether that is through stories or actually being there with you.
Don't sit there and tell me though that your tired of living your life for other people, and in the same breath say you want to help people. Helping people is living for other people. You and I are the same in that aspect. I feel amazing when these parents come in to my shop and tell me what a rolemodel that I am for there kids. You enabled me to do that. Its our life together that got us to where we are. Its us together stepping into the unknown and leaving Kansas that opened your eyes to a world that you never knew existed. Remember when we were in Miami and you wanted to run back to Kansas because you were scared, I wouldn't let us. You took a chance then and look at it now. You are doing things that never would have been possible had we not taken that risk TOGETHER. Now were scared again, I'm ready to take that risk.
I may not be finically stable right now and I may not have all the finest things, but I do know I have your love. I am in a place where I need to be and I'm making a change for the better, but I won't truly be happy or complete until I can share that with you. The City is finally starting to accept skating in this area. We have permanent events on there calendar now. A year ago that wasn't possible. You were a part of that change. You went to bat with the City. You stood by my side. You let me do it and when I fell you came and picked me up. My shop is here now, and it isn't going anywhere. I have enough of a network of people and enough heart that no matter what comes up I can hold onto it. Maybe I'll have pick up a jobs for a few months to help you in your travels, or I will have to let someone else run it for a few months. SO WHAT I WANT TO! That is what I signed on for when in front of our families and god I said "I DO" I can't put it to you any other way. Marriage is going to be full of ups and downs, its not all a smooth ride but I am your husband. Yeah I screwed up, yeah we pushed each other away so much that feelings and events came up that should never even occupied our minds. I'm facing up to that. I'm not running from it. I am willing to cross the world for you to show you my commitment. I'm here, I'm in our House, I'm in the shadows and when you fall I will be there to pick you up. Only if you let me though. If things go the way they are headed there is no turning back. I am giving you everything I have to offer baby. Lets work on our current situation with the house, then take the next step when we get to it. Concentrate on your school work(something else You always wanted to do). Quit selling your self short. Set the goals that you want and strive to achieve them. As a man and as your husband I will proudly take on the responsibilities and finances to help you get there.
Yeah I am hard headed and have said this OVER AND OVER...but that's what you like about me. You said you don't want to take away from me but by leaving me and not letting me walk side by side with you, you'll take every thing from me. I can only tell you that I can not let you walk out of my life with out me putting up a fight. I don't mind traveling, I am continuing to help your family, I'm getting a second job(which actually makes me feel good), I don't mind getting a slap in the face by reality, I don't mind taking a step back and looking at the big picture. I know the grass over there looks greener but its not. I don't want to live my life alone. I've done it for to long. I chose you to give my heart to and I chose you to be my light in the darkness. I have NEVER opened up to anyone my parents, my friends, or even my pastors the way I have opened up to you. I don't expect things to go back to normal all of the sudden. I don't expect the pain to go away. As a matter of fact I want to live with the pain, I want to be reminded daily of what I have to lose, and that's a LOT. That's you. You are my savior, my guide, my rolemodel, and support please don't take that from me.
Take a weekend, go away somewhere, go alone, reflect on yourself. I have spent the last 3wks ALONE. I haven't ignored you and buried myself in my friends. I haven't tried my hardest to avoid the house so I don't think about whets going on. I haven't placed myself in situations where I have the potential to grow closer to someone outside our marriage. I have limited contact with the people in my life that don't have our responsibilities. With the exception of last weekend. I haven't had anyone there, and I have been reflecting on myself. I have rediscovered this passion that I let lay dormant. You need to do the same. I'm not telling you what to do, but suggesting. I'm not telling you not to see your friends but take some time for yourself. Get your "space" as you said and think to yourself. No One is going to be able to make your decisions. Everyone will try and influence them though. You have permanent responsibilities that have come with growing up. Look at those around you, very few of the have those responsibilities. We have grown together so much, we have experienced so much, we have conquered so much, we wouldn't be were we are with out each other.
I'm not asking to control your life. I'm not asking to tell you where to go. I'm don't expect to be there 24/7, as a matter of fact I know I can't. I don't want to be with you every time you go out. I just want to know that when you come home that you get in bed with me. I want to see your face when I wake up and before I go to bed. All I am asking to be able share those experiences with you. Let me be the one to pick you up when things get to hard. Let me be your protector. Let me be the first person you turn to when your down. Let me be the one to make you laugh. I'm not trying to fix things for you because I know I can't, that's something you have to do. I am willing to be there and stick through it though. I will wait for you as long as this ring stays on my finger and that marriage license stays in our name, and as long as you are willing to share a home and a life with me I will wait. You are the only person I want. I wouldn't know what to do if I saw you in the arms of another guy and I know you couldn't imagine me in the arms of another woman. But this path we are heading down whether you are looking or not that is where its headed. As long as you can tell me that you will save your self for me, that you will hold me in your heart, and you will remember that I am yours and you are mine then I can make it. I can wait. I Can tell you those things. I can take the steps I need to take to help you get to the next chapter in your life.
I am from this point on focusing on getting us out of this finical hole that we are in. Once we are out of that lets see where we stand, lets see what time does for us, lets not give up yet. In the mean time focus on you, focus on your diving, your school work, and your future. When the time comes for that decision then we can make it. Please don't continue to run from it though. Please don't force your self away from me as you have. I know we can still laugh and have fun together because I made you laugh today in that moment your guard was down. Let me earn your trust and respect back with my actions. Let me be the person I said I would. I'm ready for this long painful road. I love you and I'm sorry that things are how they are. I respect you baby, and I am not writing this with the intent to hurt you. I wrote this because I'm worried for you. I'm reaching out for you baby, its your decision to accept my hand.
Your husband and partner
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Re: Why do women fight for something they already have?
