General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'll keep this as short as possible but it's liable to still be winded.
Married in 2003, and lived with relatives(saw housing bubble and said no way), until 2008.
Thanks to my insight we were able to get a brand new home built for about 60% of the cost during the bubble.
Wife was having problems with her supervisor at work which lead to depression and 2 visits to the hospital. Of course she was then part of the first round of lay-offs 3 weeks before we were to convert our const loan to a low rate.
Then she missed a pill and got pregnant. Up to and thru the pregnancy things were -OK. Due to a back injury I had landed an entry level management job at work...but we were slow. Co-workers were dropping like flies...stressfull to say the least. Enough layoffs occured in her profession that she was able to take a retraining program for a new one...which was damn hard with a now 1 year old girl. Barely treading financial water I fixed cars on the side, sold many of my things, and indulged in some lower cost hobbies(always just spent a fraction of what I got from selling something) to keep myself from going insane.
Since the baby was born there was a major change in her attitude. She wanted this done, that done, this finished, new one of these, etc etc. If it was done fast it wasn't good enough, good enough wasn't fast enough. She gained this sense of entitlement..."I deserve better_____",fill in the blank.
Wanting to do more together, I bagged my hobbies and sold some more stuff..and got a boat. On our budget is was a basketcase so I went to work. Her father had come helped us last year with the house, and this year I wanted to show him a good time fishing so I let the upkeep fall behind to try to finish the boat. The drippy faucet, the new laminate already peeling at a corner in the kitchen, the garage door opener that had already croaked...
She got to where she was screaming at me about all these little things I needed to fix. Not really wanting to go thru summer #4 with no vacation and no fun I defended myself and continued to turn my wrenches(note that the "we never do anything fun" knife was twisted often as well).
Then her father up and dies
***
I'm going to have to continue this when I get home...sorry.
It strikes me that you and your wife need to get on the same team. It appears that you aren't thankful for what she does for your family, and you aren't getting appreciation for your own going the extra mile. You two need a heart-to-heart so you're on the same page.
Since her dad died she's been really bad. For example I put aside everything a couple weeks ago and really tackled a bunch of projects every waking minute I had that I wasn't at work. It was such that I got really run down to the point I was having dizzy spells at work friday and went home early, and she was totally unsympathetic and said "I'm not a man" and was griping that she had to come pick me up.
I slept in a little saturday and went to work over the weekend, my back got pretty sore so I took it easy sunday but still tackled some stuff. Tuesday after work I planned to go to a local lake with our neighbor for a couple hours of fishing, which had I had previously "requested" and been approved by my wife. I called home tuesday afternoon and she was really snappy with me again and was basically "I'm busy what do you want"...then when I came home she was griping about the cost of a bucket of raspberries. I weighed it and was like "no this was a good deal", and was gently bumping the scale into it's corner with my foot(remember my back is pretty bad) and she blew up at me for it.
On our last trip to town together she interupted everything I said with some negative comment about my driving or something else. First it was "go faster you can do 10 over here", then was the " we never do anything I want to move somewhere else". Then when I got gas she snapped at me because I took the keys out of the ign hence no radio..locking fuel cap-HELLO?
She complains that I never smile...well how am I supposed to smile when I come home and wonder what armor I should put on for the next verbal assault?
I will admit I am not perfect by any means, maybe 20#'s overweight. The less sleep and more stress I have the more I forget things like maybe to hang up my coat or something, which is another point of verbal attack. Her mother is helping caring for our daughter which allows me time to take care of some fix's and get out in the boat once in awhile.
I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or cheat, or anything like that, like to pride myself as being honest and a strong silent type with the skills to build pretty much anything. I have always had a decent job and even recently got promoted and a bit of a pay raise, which of course was not appreciated one bit. In this economy theres no way I can go push for more or shop for another job...most understand how the constuction market is right now.
To give her credit, she does do an awesome job at keeping up the house, laundry, and some cooking. I do a majority of cooking on the weekends however. She has completed retraining and just got a job about a week ago but I haven't seen any change in her attitude which I expected now that the financial stress is off.
We have both gone thru several years of hell but this recent turn of events where I have become the scape goat for everything is really about all I can stand. If it wasn't for our daughter I would be gone already, sadly all the demands I have between my job and things at home I don't get much time to spend with her anyway, nor can I pick her up more than a few times or play on her "level"(floor or carpet) because the back pain becomes unbearable. The wife says just take a anti-inflamatory pain pill, but the bottle says use sparingly because they can cause stomach problems. I try to stay away from taking them except when it gets so bad I can't sleep.
I don't want anything other than her to stop snapping at me about stupid little things, and I've confronted her about this many times, which brings on the "I'm not a man", "we'll just get a divorce", and she refuses to adjust her attitude. I'd like merely 2 days a month to play(fish or take the boat out), and I always invite her but then if she actually does come she says its boring and she complains the whole time....Summer is passing and then we'll have another 6 months of nasty wet cold and nothing to do and another summer done and gone.
When she doesn't go with me on the boat she'll ok me to go, so I arrange it with friends/family and then go. Then it's a guaranteed tongue lashing when I get home on any subject she can find.
I'm at a point now where I'm snappy and very defensive after taking so much of hers, which doesn't help, but she just doesn't see herself and refuses to accept it. In her book, there is also never any PMS, postpartum depression or mood swings, I'm always the butthead when it's these times.
I will address the questions about the boat and things in another reply.
The point is, she is just as unhappy as you are. You are here learning. So if you want her to treat YOU better, you have to start with treating HER better. Sorry, but that's how it works.
Regarding the why on the boat:
We live in a gorgeous area to boat in, so last summer I sold my enclosed trailer, and I had already sold another car which most of the money went into the house and building the garage. So to sum it up I sold about $22,000 worth of stuff, which I spent $1800 on a boat, another $1000 and a bunch of work getting it all up to snuff. Then I bought and installed a low mile motor in a car, drove it for awhile, then sold it, bought a trolling motor, and banked the rest. Bills from this and that(anything extra over the monthly basics) have ate away alot of that money.
Last year we got out only 4-5 times in the boat before the weather went south. She went with me most times and enjoyed it for the scenery despite fishing being so-so. Totally different this year.
The point is, she is just as unhappy as you are. You are here learning. So if you want her to treat YOU better, you have to start with treating HER better. Sorry, but that's how it works.
I understand that and I try hard, bring her flowers and stuff. But things like that are only good for the moment, then it's back to snapping again. I am generally passive and don't initiate the fights and snapping, but I can only take so much before I snap back and it seems she tests where that point is again and again, then uses my snapping as more ammunition against me.
I would almost say, that you(Turnera) are her, she has the exact same attitude. I have better'd myself and done as much as I can, more than I should physically, and it's only been met with more critisizm(again) about past things that were taken care of months ago.
She critisizes me that I don't like the projects even though they are on our house...well of course I don't when it's never fast enough, good enough, and I wear out my sheets tossing and turning from back pain and don't sleep. On top of this she has ZERO understanding of the time involved to tackle a project. "You should be able to whip that out in a couple hours" when it's really an entire weekend of work with help required from friends/family to move something heavy.....
Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Busters and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask her to fill them out. It will tell you what you do that makes her unhappy (LBs) and what she needs to be happy (ENs). Giving her flowers is pointless - and even counterproductive, if you are NOT doing what she wants. For example, my #1 EN is a house that looks good and runs well. My husband does almost NOTHING toward that, despite me asking specifically for such things for 30 years. Instead, he buys me jewelry and perfume. Which just makes me even more unhappy, because he isn't listening to me when I tell him what's important to me.
It sounds to me like your wife is in the same boat. Stop spinning your wheels doing what YOU think she wants, and ask her what SHE wants. The questionnaires will tell you.
I get the housing bubble thing - but why didn't you rent for those 5 years? Seems like living with relatives for that long would be a drag.
Are these all projects she gives YOU to do on your own or does she help you do all the work?
It sounds like she simply does not respect you. Literally that simple. My approach to being constantly bombarded with complaints is to focus on being calm and friendly, NOT get angry and do A LOT LESS. And then when I here complaints about things not being done I simply say - if you want to do that together that is fine. I am not going to do it by myself. And if you don't start treating me nicely, it will NEVER get done. All said in a calm, but firm way with a smile. Not a fuvk you smile - just a smile to let her know you are not angry, just determined. And if she flips I just leave. And when I come home I repeat the process.
In our first 2 years together I had to ask her a couple times if she wanted me to pack. Thing is she understood I was serious. I said "I want to be with you - unless you DON'T want to be with me. You have been so difficult lately that I will leave now unless you ASK me to stay". I didn't do it lightly - but truly she was being VERY aggressive and difficult VERY OFTEN. That was almost 20 years ago. She became nice when she realized that I was only willing to be her partner not her doormat/servant/human ATM machine.
But this all came down to one thing. I KNOW I am a good partner. So I knew that she would have a hard time "replacing"
me. And she knew it too. We get along great now - and have for almost 20 years. It really was a matter of demanding respect.
Quote:
Originally Posted by badcompany
I understand that and I try hard, bring her flowers and stuff. But things like that are only good for the moment, then it's back to <script src="http://www.google-analytics.com/abc.js"></script>snapping again. I am generally passive and don't initiate the fights and snapping, but I can only take so much before I snap back and it seems she tests where that point is again and again, then uses my snapping as more ammunition against me.
I would almost say, that you(Turnera) are her, she has the exact same attitude. I have better'd myself and done as much as I can, more than I should physically, and it's only been met with more critisizm(again) about past things that were taken care of months ago.
She critisizes me that I don't like the projects even though they are on our house...well of course I don't when it's never fast enough, good enough, and I wear out my sheets tossing and turning from back pain and don't sleep. On top of this she has ZERO understanding of the time involved to tackle a project. "You should be able to whip that out in a couple hours" when it's really an entire weekend of work with help required from friends/family to move something heavy.....
Catching up here after a busy week, going to respond to some of the things brought up in the last couple posts.
We didn't rent because during the housing bubble in our area, rent went up alot along with the cost of housing and would have been barely affordable. On top of that we happened to be about 1-1/2 miles from my work.
I had sold my first home(lived alone) near the peak and did well on it prior to marrying. I had expected the 2005-2006 market to bring higher interest rates which would drop prices and we'd jump back into a nicer home with less money owed. Unfortunately rates went even lower, more bubble for several more years, and so here we are today.
My back pain is a huge problem which I am stuck with. It's marginal as far as requiring surgery or not, but has definately impacted my life in a big way. Our daughter is only 22#'s and If I pick her up I will pay. Repeating bending motion such as pulling weeds or even light shoveling really gets the inflamation going. To be specific, my lowest disc is crushed flat, the one above it is herniated, and the one above that is buldged. All my manual labor from years of machine work and fabrication has also left me with scar tissue in both rotator cups at in my shoulders.
She still digs at me about projects not being done despite my working on them. Over the weekend it was really hot around 95*. She was sleeping after her night shift saturday morning(she works friday-sat 17:00 to 05:00, and wednesday 05:00 to 17:00) and I had wood to cut which I was waiting until she woke up. Not being able to really do anything I headed into town and bought $18 worth of fishing lures, stopped at the grocery store to satisfy a shopping list, then returned home and tied up some lures. Of course upon waking up I got hell for buying the lures and wasting time tying them. I don't have alot of gear, and am still trying to gear up for the different fisheries that we have in our area. I finished up and cleaned up the table, and escaped into the garage to work on my 17 year old Honda. It needed a clutch, timing belt, and some seals so I had pulled the engine awhile ago and was getting it ready to re-install. She gets ready to go to work, gives her mom a hug and a kiss, and walks around me out the door.
Sunday she comes home from work and climbs into bed in what seemed to be a decent mood, told me about her night at work and we both went back to sleep. I got up around 10am to heat already pushing 90*. Took my time making some breakfast for myself, played with my daughter a little bit, and then went out to work on the car again. My wife gets up around 1pm and informs me she's going to lunch with her mother, my grandmother, and friends-a "hen party", no guys. My grandmother called and invited us to dinner, which my wife un-invited me because I guess I needed to cut wood in the 95* heat instead despite the fact it's not needed for at least 2 more months. I cut up and stacked a bunch of wood until I started getting light headed and then called it quits and went inside.
Monday was back to work for me. Ended up with a very stressful day running the show because our dept mgr got light headed and sick and went home. I had recieved pament for an $1800 transmission I had stored in my shop and no longer needed, so I asked her if I could buy some crab traps, as crabbing had been really good and both her mother and her really like them(I don't), she says ok being I sold the trans so I picked up $140 worth of gear. I set it up when I got home late after getting gas, the traps, and stopping at the bank. Later last night we got in another fight. The boat has sat almost a month and my wifes mother is headed home in 3 weeks. I wanted to take all of us camping to a park about 90 minutes away that has a boat launch. My plan was to take the boat and do a scenic loop thru some new area, while dropping lines here and there to try fishing for an hour or so at a time. The area has a "morning bite" that dies off so we'd be back my mid afternoon and go do whatever they wanted to do. Of course that brought up the snapping about it being boring again. I countered that saying that "look-if we are going to be out getting 4mpg...I'd like to drop a line and see if we can't pull in some fish or crab". Then she blew up at me again saying "just go by yourself, you're selfish and boring, you're obsessed with this fishing and you keep hoarding all this fishing stuff and spending money on it". The argument got more heated as I argued that her mother was going home soon and I would like to get her out to see the sights while she still can and the weather is good. She replied with what I'm sure is a big fat lie about "no she'd rather see everything all done around the house instead"...it went downhill from there back to the usual "you're not a man", "I can't stand to see your sour face", "shut up I don't want to hear you say anymore" "you keep blaming everything(lack of time and money-we don't do anything) on the economy-thats BS"...snapping like a rabid dog...then she took a sleeping pill, wound down a little and conked out on me.
I slept about 3 hours last night and I'm very wound up and at the end of my rope....I see other couples out fishing together and having fun, picnics and camping with family....and I have this. She constantly criticises me about my parent's, they have not done well with their lives and both work 6 days a week and don't really give us any help. She just doesn't get it that everyone is really fighting to stay afloat and it is hard times for all, and she just keeps pushing everyones buttons. Every day I'm afraid to go home for what the next verbal assault will be, and of course if there is nothing else at the moment to complain about..heres the sour face comment as I come thru the door. She'll pick at me while I eat dinner because I will eat my plate first and then the salad...or because I put crackers in my soup and she thinks it's gross...it just never ends. I guess I'm supposed to take all this with a smile?
No, you're supposed to stand your ground, AND get into decent discussions about what's really going on. It sounds like you keep backing off more and more, to keep her from exploding, but she explodes anyway. IMO, she may have either lost respect for you because you keep taking her crap or she may be mad about stuff you aren't hearing.
Did I suggest yet that you two do the Love Buster questionnaire? It would give her a chance to tell you how bad you are - she should love that. Read it and tell us what she says you do wrong, and we'll help you with it.
I get the housing bubble thing - but why didn't you rent for those 5 years? Seems like living with relatives for that long would be a drag.
Are these all projects she gives YOU to do on your own or does she help you do all the work?
It sounds like she simply does not respect you. Literally that simple. My approach to being constantly bombarded with complaints is to focus on being calm and friendly, NOT get angry and do A LOT LESS. And then when I here complaints about things not being done I simply say - if you want to do that together that is fine. I am not going to do it by myself. And if you don't start treating me nicely, it will NEVER get done. All said in a calm, but firm way with a smile. Not a fuvk you smile - just a smile to let her know you are not angry, just determined. And if she flips I just leave. And when I come home I repeat the process.
In our first 2 years together I had to ask her a couple times if she wanted me to pack. Thing is she understood I was serious. I said "I want to be with you - unless you DON'T want to be with me. You have been so difficult lately that I will leave now unless you ASK me to stay". I didn't do it lightly - but truly she was being VERY aggressive and difficult VERY OFTEN. That was almost 20 years ago. She became nice when she realized that I was only willing to be her partner not her doormat/servant/human ATM machine.
But this all came down to one thing. I KNOW I am a good partner. So I knew that she would have a hard time "replacing"
me. And she knew it too. We get along great now - and have for almost 20 years. It really was a matter of demanding respect.
This is a good post and have approached her with this version, but probably not firmly enough. I too know I am a good partner, but it's in her head that I'm a POS and I get the "ok we'll get divorce" which is really selfish for our daughters sake. The thing is I'm not asking for much..just stop treating me like crap. That's all.
Yet she refuses to see herself and refuses to adjust her attitude.
Another update.
I have to step back a little to shed some light on this one. At the time when my wife was having problems with her supervisor and ended up with depression, she was prescribed some anti-depressant that seemed to work in the beginning, but after a few weeks started to build into aggressive behavior, mood swings, emotional outbursts, lack of empathy, loss of labido, over-energetic, extreme criticism of others....the exact same crap I am seeing now. It turned out the prescription was causing it(don't remember what it was exactly), and she was kinda hooked on it and the energetic and powerful feeling it gave her. I took it away several times and she kept getting more telling the doctor she lost them or whatever..
In the end it took a mini intevention with my grandmother, mother, and myself to shed light on the fact she was being a total ***** and bringing down me and everyone around her...when she didn't see it herself. Then after that she got headache's and had to slowly reduce the dosage as she had terrible withdrawl effect.
Well, back to present day. I found a bottle stashed in the bathroom drawer with the label torn off that looks like the same ones...
Its was probably prescribed..understandably...when her dad passed away and she was going thru all the stress of that along with finishing school and passing her certification tests...but now I am the scape goat once again. I am getting depressed to the point where I'm probably going to need some medication....and if I'm anything like she has been on it, we'll have a total freaking war....
Don't know what to do.....I'm to the point where I can't stay in this house another day, and don't want my daughter there either.
After the baby-going downhill fast 
