New Baby - why has only my life changed?

brenda · 06-27-2008, 07:36 AM

I used to get upset with my husband for being a little selfish. He goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, goes to the garage until 9, then he's on the computer until 10. We just had a baby in January, and his routine hasn't changed. I have brought this to his attention many times, and not until I'm in tears and we've been arguing for an hour, does he get the point. At least he says he gets the point?? but if nothing changes, does he really get the point. He makes me feel horrible for wanting him to spend time with the baby and I. He still plans his jet ski trips, beers with the boys, and 4-wheeling weekends as per usual. Is this normal? How do I get my point across? He thinks that he still needs to have his time, and that I should have my time, but what time is left for our family?

draconis · 06-27-2008, 07:53 AM

He does need his time, and you need some alone time too. That said, you both need time together atleast once a week just the two of you to keep dating and to keep the flame alive.

draconis

princess · 06-27-2008, 07:59 AM

I think he is being very selfish. My husband dose the same thing. i know how you feel. i never get any time to myself, where as he goes out with friends, spends time on the pc etc. he would rather go drinking with friends than spend a day with the family. No matter how much you tell them and how many tears you cry they never change, well maybe for a day but thats the best i ever get.

brenda · 06-27-2008, 11:21 AM

Draconis, I agree to a point ....... all couples need to have me, you, and we time, however; I think that once you have started a family the me, you and we time needs to be limited, and family time should come first. I'm not the only person who decided to have a baby, so why should I be the only one making changes??

stumped · 06-27-2008, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brenda

Draconis, I agree to a point ....... all couples need to have me, you, and we time, however; I think that once you have started a family the me, you and we time needs to be limited, and family time should come first. I'm not the only person who decided to have a baby, so why should I be the only one making changes??

Have you asked him that????

swedish · 06-27-2008, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brenda

I'm not the only person who decided to have a baby, so why should I be the only one making changes??

You shouldn't, especially for the first year. Most new parents naturally fall into the parenting role and their priorities change once a baby enters the picture. It sounds as though he isn't one of those people. I think you should talk to him sooner than later and let him know when you both decided to have a baby, that you did not take it lightly and knew that your life would change with such a huge responsibility, but you really thought it would be a family effort not feeling like a single mom while he's out doing his own thing.

brenda · 06-27-2008, 03:24 PM

I have talked to him numerous times. He says he understands, but he doesn't make any changes to support what he's saying. In the end I always look like the nagging wife. I am very frusterated with the situation. Any suggestions on a better way to get my point across, talking doesn't seem to work. I love my husband, but I hate the way he's making me feel.

swedish · 06-27-2008, 03:45 PM

I'm not sure how often he is going out, but maybe you could start out trying 'equal time' In other words, if he's going to spend 4 hours on Saturday doing whatever with his buddies, then ask him to block out 4 hours on Sunday for either you to do your thing while he's with the baby or all 3 of you do something together. Ease him into the family life w/o him feeling all of his freedom is being stripped.

brenda · 06-27-2008, 04:47 PM

I think that I'll try out your advice. I'll let you know how things go next week. Maybe I'l start going to the gym again. Thanks to everyone for giving me your thoughts.

33_momma_of4 · 06-27-2008, 05:55 PM

If he understand and says he 'gets it', then you have to make sure he does. I agree.....when he makes plans for something. Make sure you quickly put in your plans and allow for the same time away. I think that will drive home your point more than anything. Especially helping him 'get it'! This will do one of two things...either allow both much needed alone time. Or he'll stop making so many plans if he knows that means that many hours alone with baby next time. And don't be afraid to ask him to help! My husband and I trade bath nights and bedtime rituals(book reading and laying down with our 4 yr old until she falls asleep) I got tired of just doing it and him not volunteering to help. One night I just said "your turn, I did it the last 4 nights in a row) and it stuck. lol

My husband is a BIG ol' baby when it comes to anything he can complain about. But he will help out when I ask w/o complaining. I've just learned with men. They don't 'get it' unless you point it out to them to make them understand better. They see things from a totally different point of view than woman. (I'm not man bashing, just stating a truth I think we all agree with)

brenda · 06-27-2008, 06:27 PM

I love the suggestion of taking me time, and I also love the rotation idea. I do everything, all of the time (laundry, cooking, cleaning, taxi to the older kids, bathtime ,bedtime .... I could go on) Perhaps I should start rotating certain duties, thus giving me a break once in a while, and this would probably help releave some of the resentment I'm starting to feel,because I do everything!!! THANKS

draconis · 06-28-2008, 02:47 AM

What do the two of you do for work?

draconis

brenda · 06-28-2008, 06:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by draconis

What do the two of you do for work?

draconis

We met at work, he was a manager in one dept. and I was a supervisor in a different dept. Since I had my baby in Jan/08, I have been on maternity leave, and taking some courses so that I can change jobs, working together was difficult. I'm starting a new job (part time) next month.

draconis · 06-28-2008, 06:26 AM

even if you work part time there is no reason he can't do 20 hours a week around the house. He should also be spending 7-14 hours a week with the child.

draconis

crusader · 06-30-2008, 12:56 AM

No this is NOT normal. Sure it's important for each of you to have your own time that time decreases exponencially as you have kids. It sounds like he was set in his ways before the baby was born and is having trouble adjusting. Talk with him and see about family time after dinner for an hour then he can go to the garage for an hour. Following that time with the baby and after you and baby are asleep he can have his computer time. Basically try and reinvent his afterwork routine without taking things out, you're just adding one or two activities with you and baby and shortening his time a little bit. Hopefully he goes for this and after he realized how wonderful it is to spend time with his baby he'll start volunteering more time on his own.