recently ive been feeling neglected, i am recently married got married back in feb, i want sex everyday she doesn't we worked out a deal to have sex every other day and she says she wants to "romanced" and i asked her to explain what she wanted and i got nothing.... and she said she wants to be the one to initiate sex. so i have been extra nice and extra sweet and not bug her about wanting sex. and give her a chance to initiate sex and im feeling ignored. its been over a week, and its like she cant take 30 mins out of her day to make me happy, and im doing everything in my power to make her happy i just dont get it...
She's missing something from you, but can't explain it.
Being "extra nice" and "extra sweet" doesn't cut it sometimes but if she isn't going to tell you what will, it just won't work. She is saying "romanced", but the definition of that varies with each woman.
I think you have to have a deep discussion with her explaining that an intimate sexual relationship is necessary for the marriage to last. Ask her what SHE needs and explain what YOU need.
Im lost and confused that im not getting the communication from her, it seems as every time we talk about problems in our relationship she gets upset/angry really quick... so i want to say something but i don't want it to blow up into an argument. or risk pushing her away more. i feel that im trying and if i dont get results im going to stop trying and just give up. and i don't want that to happen.
there is something i left out, 2 weeks ago my wife lied to me about one of her male friends(who i have never met) and shes known him before me. she visited this male friend to fix her car, i noticed the seat on the car was moved back and i asked her to sat in the car and she said it was the real estate agent, witch was a lie it was him, so i found out she lied to me about it among other things, like going to lunch with him and texting him and deleting the records in her phone, (i was thinking this was some type of Emotional Affair) i told her sense she lied about it, then she could no longer be friends with him. i think this may be the problem. i feel that maybe she resents me for not allowing her to be friends with this guy. if this is why what can i do to resolve this issue?
"i told her sense she lied about it, then she could no longer be friends with him."
Can I be totally honest with you here? That's the kind of thing my father would say to me when I was 15. To hear that from my husband would probably be about the biggest turn off ever. Not to mention it would irritate the hell out of me that he thinks he can just dictate my life to me like that.
Now, with that said, I'm not saying she should still be friends with him like this. She did lie to you about their friendship, which does make it suspicious. The question is, have you ever had a reason not to trust her before? If you haven't, then it's possible this is nothing more than you got jealous over something that wasn't a big deal. I'd just tell her you're sorry but that this, this, and this made it look like she was up to something. Ask her to stop hiding things, and to not be friends with him anymore, or at least not to see him alone.
If you strongly feel that she was having some kind of affair and you really want her to not be friends with him anymore, I'd find a way to phrase it that doesn't sound like a father punishing his child. As I said in the beginning, that would be a huge turn off to me, and even if I weren't doing anything wrong, I certainly wouldn't be in the mood to have sex after that.
No one really knows what's going on with your situation but I agree with Chris, she is missing something from you and either cannot explain it or is not prepared to tell you because she does not want to tackle the subject (the last part of this is my assertion, not Chris'). I will tell you that I believe that whatever she is missing from you, she probably feels like she is getting or can get from this other guy. That's why she is lying to you about him. And, I also believe that if you actually heard the nature of their conversations, you would probably not be pleased.
All that being said, I don't know what you can do to reverse this. You are not being given any insight into what she wants or needs. Did you try to romance her before you guys got married? And, was your sex life good back then? Has anything changed since then (working more hours, less quality time, etc)? The bottom line is that the only person that can really give you insight is your wife. I wish you the best of luck.
The first thing that I'd say that you need to determine is if she understands how upsetting this was for you. If she does and she loves you then she will understand where you are coming from. It may make it easier for her to change her way of communicating with this other guy or stop it all together.
The other thing is you need to ask her what it is that she feels she is getting from him that she isn't getting from you. And when you do this, you need to be calm and asking because you genuinely want to know. Your marriage is very new and the fact that she is hiding relationships from you at this early stage is a problem. It leads me to believe that this relationship at some point was more than just a friendship. It may not have even been physical, but I'm sure that at some point there were feelings there on one or both of their parts. Otherwise there would be no need to hide a "friend".
Going to lunch with him, texting and deleting, are all classic signs of an issue.
I'd say that if she married you then she obviously loves you but you guys have some other underlying problems. Is this the first you heard of it or was this an issue that you had suspicions about before?
Although the lack of intimacy is definately a problem, it is a symptom and not the issue. Concentrate on what the actual problem is.
Ive had no reason to not to trust her, there were just so many signs of something else going on that it made me think there was more to this. her hanging out with this friend is not a problem for me, but when im lied to and shes hiding stuff, it had me worried. i would like to tell her she can still be this guys friend but i don't want to compromise myself in order to do so. i've never been a jealous person and ive never acted jealous toward her. we both work stressful jobs, we are in the process of purchasing a home and we both have a high level of stress right now. i know the sexual aspect of our relationship is the last thing i should be worried about but i'm a VERY VERY sexual person, if i could have sex 5 times a day i would. so our sex life was good before we got married... i would say like once a day. but i feel really connected when i have sex with her and it makes me feel good to please her in that way. so i just want to make things better for her and for me.
Ok. She is disappointed with this marriage. It isn't turning out to be what she expected. She KNOWS you want SF all the time and that just makes her more irritated and pressured; therefore when you approach her and tell her you need to know what she wants, she KNOWS you're only saying that because you want more SF. She gets mad that you're pressuring her, and defensive because it feels like you're blaming her. So you are backing her into a corner.
Along comes old bf who does NOT do these things to her. She can be herself with him. She has no stress to perform (hopefully) for him. She is not being criticized by him.
Do you see why she'd rather spend time with him?
What to do? STOP being the person who makes her feel bad. Tell yourself that you will not ask for SF for one month. Come on, you can do it. You can sacrifice one month to save your marriage.
Once that stress is off of her, work on your relationship. To do that, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire, a copy for each of you. Fill them out and swap. Read what YOU do that upsets HER (how you LB her). Then STOP doing those things. Spend this month changing your habits, stopping your LBs. You can ask her to read yours, too, and stop her LBs, if your relationship is strong enough to do so.
Once you have eliminated your LBs - and they can be as small as a cap on your toothpaste to as big as overspending - then go back to MB and print out the Emotional Needs questionnaires, fill them out. It will tell you what her top 5 ENs are. And YOU need to work your butt off to be the ONLY person meeting those 5 ENs. Because if you don't - as you have seen with ex-bf - someone else will.
if i could have sex 5 times a day i would. so our sex life was good before we got married... i would say like once a day. but i feel really connected when i have sex with her and it makes me feel good to please her in that way. so i just want to make things better for her and for me.
I just want to add that it is HIGHLY unlikely she will want this same level of activity. HIGHLY unlikely. Women rarely do. And there has to be EXCELLENT emotional connection to the man before she will want to do it at all. With your marriage in such a bad shape, you're lucky you get any. Once a day is common for newlyweds, but not that common at all for people married 5 or more years.
So you had better wrap your brain around the fact that you will NOT be getting that much. EVER. If you can't handle that, just divorce and go out and be single and date or pay for it.