nosnhoj

My wife and I are having some issues currently and I was wondering what everyones take was on this. She has a new friend that she has known for about 4 months. She talks to him and hangs out with him quite often. Is this something that I should worry about, or is this something that is normal and I just overreact to? There are plenty of details that we can get into about who she is, why they talk. But the bottom line is this, can a married woman who is having trouble in her marriage be friends with a single man and not have this become a problem?

Amplexor

You’d have to give us more details about the relationship to try and make an assessment on it. Can a married woman be friends with a single man without it becoming more? Of course she can. But if you are in some marital stress and the friendship is bothering you, you need to talk to her to understand what it is.

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draconis

It seems more of a trust issue. My wife (married ten years) has many single friends including many I have never met, but she knows them through her college or work. There are many she hangs out with for many different reasons but they are not often alone. I trust her, but quite honestly there is one that really rubs me the wrong way because he has no boundries to touch his women friends such as hugs, back rubs, rubbing their bellies, feet, or giving them pecks (kisses) and that is all within a controlled enviroment. I talk with my wife about him because I felt uncomfortable with the fact he seemed to have no boundries. I don't care that she talks to him at all however. She does have many guy friends that act like gentle men that I could care less if she hugs.

To a degree she is a mature woman and can chose who she wants as friends. I respect her opinion, and will never stand in her way of her choice.

As far as the guy I felt uncomfortable with I resersed the question and asked her if woman x acted that way to me how would she feel. She acknowledged she would feel jealous, and unsettled. So she doesn't let mr x in a zone that would make me feel uncomfortable. I am thankful that our communications are so good.

Truth be told I have trust in my wife. After all 99% of the time that she sees him or others I am not there. I have no worries. Because I trust her.

Can a married woman be friends with a single guy? sure.
Can it become a problem? No more then if he was married.
Even with issues in the marriage? That doesn't change things.

draconis

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swedish

I don't think there is anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex when you are married, as long as the married person does not say/do things with the friend that they would not say/do if their spouse were sitting there with them.

If you are having marital problems and she is discussing them with a male friend, I would have concerns. Mainly because the two of you should be having those discussions and if the male friend is very understanding, etc. she may become emotionally attached to him and push you further away. I hear over and over on this forum that after an emotional affair ends the spouse does not understand how it got that far...it just happened, etc. but at some point the friendship crossed a line.

Lostwithouther

I never had issues with my wife being friends with any guy. Like draconis said, if you have trust there is no problem.

But Swedish is VERY right, this is what has happened to my wife. She couldn't talk to her girl friends anymore about our problems(didn't like their answers), so she turned to a guy friend. Sure enough she admitted having emotions for him even though she said she was just talking to him...I told her that I didn't want her seeing or talking to him for awhile until I could build my trust back up with her. She agreed but fell right back into him days later.
Today, she has moved out. Seems like there is still something there for me by the way she talks to me in person or on the phone.... BUT I know she talking/hanging around with this guy still and even got spotted at the beach with him and his two kids(divorced) last weekend.
Trust is great but emotions can happen anytime without you even knowing it.

draconis

It's not like you could keep her from her friend. Even if you could that would have meant you didn't trust her and was overbearing which may have lead to even more problems/issues. You have to trust in blind faith sometimes that what you built is strong enough to stand "tests".

draconis

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mis

I think trust is key in this situation. If there is other problems going on in the relationship and you think you have something to worry about then maybe you do. However, if you have a good marriage maybe she just found someone she can relate to and it's not a big deal. Have you met him? If you're concerned maybe you can invite him over for a dinner party to get to know him and how they act with eachother, or maybe suggest setting him up with one of her girlfriends so you can double date. I think a married woman can be friends with a single man. It's up to you if it is a concern or not.

turnera

No. She can either be with him with YOU in the same room, or they will end up having an affair.

Stuckonstupid

Ive never been a big fan of married women having close guy friends. If the guy was married, then maybe not so bad. If they have a ton in common maybe even a double date or something could work. But I am exceptionally traditional, I dont see a lot of good that could come from a married woman and a single guy hanging out often. Open up to her in plain details about your insecurities. I never ever would try to control my wife, and say "you cant have guy friends" but I would put the ball in her court, and tell her how it made me feel and then she could either adjust her friendship, incorporate you more, or if she doesnt budge youll have to consider how you want to take it from there.

Choose2love

This is an age old question... can men and women be really just friends? The answer is yes, kind of, and no, not really. The being alone with the opposite sex part opens up far too many doors to allow lines to be crossed, add to that an emotional "understanding" of each other and it can happen without warning... a hand holding can turn into an embrace, the hug can turn into a kiss and so on. That emotional closeness is what you once felt with your spouse and now that you are "having troubles" (dont know too much about what they are), and she is having this friendship with another single man, there is opportunity for things to happen. The emotional closeness makes women more vulnerable to cheating... if she feels more emotionally close to him than you... she may feel like she is cheating on him when she is with you! That's why women in this situaiton stop kissing their husbands, and pull away... they are emotionally bonded to someone else and I believe its been said here before that women only bond emotionally to one man at a time. So true!

Can you stop her? No. You cant tell her that she cant see him... that would add gasoline to an already burning fire. No line has been crossed yet. Now, if you discover a line has been crossed she can in no way see him again, and you can insist on it. The "line" is anything physical, as well as any sharing of private details about your relationship/marriage with him. She in no way should be talking with a single man about anything to do with the 2 of you... it communicates to him that she is dissatisfied with you and gives him a mental green light to take things further.
It sucks doesnt it?

Choose2love

If she "needs" a male perspective on things... since she doesnt like what her girlfriends are saying... she should go to a male therapist and pay for the advice. No line crossing there. Or go online to a forum and get male opinions from complete strangers... annoymous helpers without risk!

f1r3f1y3

I think you already know the answer.

If you're already have marriage issues why would she want to rock the boat.

radioman

I believe a married woman can be just friends with a single man. I have been friends with a married woman for close to 15 years. Our friendship started due to our children being the same age and having the same interests. Over the years, it has always been about the children and family life in general. I lost my wife several years ago and it was the ear of a good friend that helped a great deal. We use to work together many years ago when we met, but since then, have not even lived in the same state. However, over the years, as business or vacations put us in the same state, we always at least had a cup of coffee and talked about - you guessed it, the kids. I now tease her that I have grandchildren and that she had better talk to her children about some soon. We do talk a couple of times a month and email every so often, and of course cards at the holidays. But the one thing that has allowed us remain just friends is a very simple thing - its called respect. Respect for each other and marriage. My wife understood when she was alive and so does my friends' husband. When I am in their area, it is always an invitation for both of them to take them out to lunch or dinner. I have never had any romantic feelings towards her nor she for me. Again, we respect each other and besides, good friends, no matter the gender, are hard to fine.

TempTime

This is the key in my mind...
when you cross into territory where you WOULDN'T want your spouse to see/hear what you are doing/saying then you have crossed into very dangerous territory.
Exactly the same rules for email/facebook in my opinion.

AMOR

The simple answer to your question is yes, they can be. But is that a good idea when theres already strain on the marriage..... I think not.