General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi all! For a change, this is about good news and a bit of advice needed.
Things are going pretty well in my life, through intense counseling and working on "me" and a really good anti-depressant, life feels and looks great again.
I'm more focused on making me happy and less focused on my husband providing that happiness. I am more able to deal with the caregiver issues involving his medical problems and am now over a serious case of caregiver burnout.
One thing that continues to confuse me and that I don't understand is what I term as his addiction to porn (through the internet). I weigh less now than when we married, am told by other people that I'm looking good and sexy, yet it never seems to be enough for my husband.
He continuously looks at porn on the internet. All types, not just young women, but old women, men, etc., doesn't matter. Now while I've always known he liked porn, it never bothered me until this year. I almost feel as though the porn has replaced me and the intimacy between us - that's when it became a problem for me.
This is the only real issue I'm still having...how do I get over the fact that this is who he is and who he has been, it's nothing new? Why is it bothering me now and didn't before (could it be my age - turning 50 this year)? I've gained a lot of my self-esteem and confidence back so I'm feeling pretty good about myself, but why is that not enough for him? I can never be 25 again, but neither is he! It doesn't seem to bother him, but is really bugging me, which means I still have some insecurity in this area.
Just looking for some input on how to get past this - it is my only hurdle that still seems insurmountable. I have spoken with him about it, but he doesn't seem to get that it is a big deal to me - just throws it back in my face that I look at porn on the internet too - which is true, but not to the extent that he does, not even close - but, I still focus my needs on him, not the internet porn - this is where I feel the disconnect from him, that the porn has replaced me.
So what do you guys think? I came into this marriage knowing this about him, so, why is it such a big deal now after 25 years? Is it really "his" big deal or mine and how I'm dealing with something that I've always known about?
I think what you need to do, is instead of making it about the porn, make sure he understands it's about how you feel you've been replaced. Instead of "I wish you wouldn't look at porn" which gets you the "You do it, too" response, tell him "I feel like you've replaced me with porn. You look at porn all the time, and I feel like you never want to have sex with me anymore" or whatever it is that is going on.
The porn in itself is not the issue, I don't think. For me, anyway, porn is not an issue. As I've told me boyfriend, I don't care if he looks at it, so long as we still have a good sex life and he doesn't lie to me about looking at it. But even with that feeling, I can see how it could become a problem even when you've known about it for years.
Maybe you've already phrased it to him the way I suggested. In which case, maybe it's just a case of denial on his part; he knows what's happening but doesn't want to admit it. If that's so, perhaps in a counseling session (take him with you, if it's usually just you), you could have the counselor help you bring it up, so that maybe the counselor can help prepare him and get him to be a bit more receptive to it.
It may be that with his health issues, porn and masturbating is the best he feels he can do. he can masturbate to completion without getting fully erect but penetration is difficult if not impossible. He could be ashamed of this.
I agree that both going to counseling is necessary since you sound like you're getting to the end of your rope.
I think what you need to do, is instead of making it about the porn, make sure he understands it's about how you feel you've been replaced. Instead of "I wish you wouldn't look at porn" which gets you the "You do it, too" response, tell him "I feel like you've replaced me with porn. You look at porn all the time, and I feel like you never want to have sex with me anymore" or whatever it is that is going on.
Many times it's about how you say things to us (men) that gets a certain reaction. It may be that he feels like you're saying it in an accusatory manner so he instantly gets defensive about it. I think that wording it so that he understands how it's making you "feel" will help him to understand a bit better and he may be more receptive to opening up and explaining himself.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Thanks Chris - we are both in counseling individually and together, but this issue remains the same.
Funny thing is though, he's not masturbating to the porn he's looking at (trust me, I know), he might occasionally, but that's not what he's doing - he's either viewing or downloading - he downloads everything free he can find - porn, old movies, old TV series, you name it, says its free and he's getting all he can.
I already know he feels bad about issues and that he can't "perform" with me all the time and I thought we were working through that with other things, but maybe it's still a male, macho issue for him (what my counselor says - men have power areas, that is one of them).
Though I do have to say that you guys' "macho" does get in your way sometimes, life would be so much easier for us gals...
Good News For A Change - But Need Advice 
