I'm new here and would appreciate some advice.
I am jealous of my husband's past relationships. I can't stop thinking about him with other women from his past and the idea makes me sick. I also compare myself to his exes.
He has done some things to encourage my jealousy. At the beginning of our relationship, he talked of his ex girlfriend in a way that made me believe he was still in love with her (which, he now assures me, wasn't true). He had also had a one-night stand, which is against my values. And, he had a female "best friend" eight months into our relationship that he was emotionally attached to, and they met for coffees twice a week, she called him all the time etc. He wanted to date her years ago; she didn't want him but in the end changed her mind (the latter I found out just a little while ago). That was when he told her he just wanted to be friends. I know he didn't cheat on me, but I had enough of that after a while (he would talk about her all the time, i don't know if he was trying to make me jealous or what).
Now I know that doesn't entitle me to irrational jealousy, but that's unfortunately the way I feel. My hubby has changed a lot since the beginnings of our relationship, he is a perfect husband now. I know that he loves me and isn't attached to his past. I just don't know how to get this out of my system...
You have every reason to be concerned and jealous..
At the beginning of our relationship, he talked of his ex girlfriend in a way that made me believe he was still in love with her (which, he now assures me, wasn't true - --RED FLAG
He had also had a one-night stand, which is against my values. ---RED FLAG
And, he had a female "best friend" eight months into our relationship that he was emotionally attached to, and they met for coffees twice a week, she called him all the time etc. --- RED FLAG
He wanted to date her years ago; she didn't want him but in the end changed her mind (the latter I found out just a little while ago). ---RED FLAG
I know he didn't cheat on me,---ARE YOU SURE BECAUSE HE SAID SO ,, REALLY
My hubby has changed a lot since the beginnings of our relationship, he is a perfect husband now.--- NOT SO
This is not a jealously issue this is a trust issue, you do not trust him and he has done everything to prove to you that he cannot be trusted...
How do you resolve this..
As I have written above sit with him, tell him he has not given you reason to trust him. Ask him what is he going to do to prove he can be trusted. If he is a mature loving husband who respects you and wants you in his life then he will behave positively to allay your concerns.
If not he will "give you lip", make comments, push back, say inappropriate things, etc.. You then know where you stand and I assure you he is or will be playing around in the future.
Try this approach first if you need help thereafter post again.
The way I explained this was probably a bit confusing.
My husband had a serious girlfriend years ago. At the beginning of our relationship, I had the feeling that he was dwelling on the past. He couldn't open up to me at first because he was hurt before, and afraid I would hurt him the same way.
He had a one-night stand a month before we first met. We met two years ago, and got married three months ago. He was hanging out with the friend of his eight months after we first met.
He is very remorseful of the fact that he made me think he was still in love with his ex, and that he was hanging out with his "best friend". (By the way, that's the introduction he made when I first met her. I was just "my name" with no label, so she probably didn't know I was his girlfriend at that time. That hurt.) As for the one-night stand, he regrets it as well.
Since the last year and a half, he has given me no reason to doubt him. I don't know why I'm still dwelling on that all. Probably because he hurt me and my self-esteem.
If you are saying you trust him, you need to forget the past and think of today and the future only.
Looking to the future allows you to make plans that you can share with your husband. Take his input and then dream of the days ahead, work to achieve these dream and deliver to promise to make your life richer in body, mind and soul.
These plans and aspirations should help build the shared vision of your family and improve your "self esteem" as a valued and equal member of the marriage..
It's true; beating urself up IS unproductive. However, I can relate to your problem. I too have enormous jealousy issues, and it is something that I try every.single.day to overcome. Then, when I'm having a great day and feeling really secure in myself and where I stand in my marriage, DH says hello to a beautiful woman and neglects to introduce me at all, let alone as his WIFE. "She was my sister's bff growing up" he says. I don't care, she's skinnier than me and gorgeous and you couldn't stop looking at her. So yeah, I feel you. Work on YOU first. Without self esteem you can't get very far. Or so I've been told Posted via Mobile Device
Well, since the one night stand was before you even met, I find it really hard to hold that against him. It wasn't during your relationship, so it really shouldn't bear any weight in your marriage. The other things I can see as being a problem.
Are you happy with yourself?? As in do you have a good amount of self esteem and are you self sufficient?? If the problems are fixed now, as in he doesn't do it anymore, then maybe the better question would be how to overcome the resentment you have for him about all of this. That I think you can find a lot of help for in here.
I agree with DawnD about the one night stand. It's pretty unrealistic for my wife to be upset with me about something that happened before we met. There are a couple of things that she's done before we met that raised an eyebrow, but I can't hold that against her.
I think that the fact that you're having such an issue with these things warrants a conversation with him. I'm pretty sure that he thinks whatever concerns you had in the past are over and done with. And you probably told him that you were ok, but now you're realizing that you are not. You need to talk to him and get some closure. Maybe there are some unanswered questions that will help you get past this.
Thank you all! I know I have to live for the present moment and the future, but it's not as easy as it sounds. My self-esteem is not exactly high (wasn't ever, but now it's worse due to these issues). And my hubby knows about the problems I have with his, and partly our, past. But he thinks of it as ancient history. I don't want to nag him about this all the time, since he really is trying hard to make our marriage the best possible. He's even started reading books on relationships (a man who hadn't read a book all his life!). It's true, I have to overcome the resentiment I have for him. As for the one-night stand, it just bothers me because it's against my values. But I guess I'm too harsh judging people, including my husband...
When it comes to judging, it often helps to flip the table. Say you did something that was against his values before you two met. Would you appreciate him judging you for it and holding it against you?? Probably not. No one would. I am not saying that you have to change what you value, merely that if you keep the notion that he needs to be perfect, he will see that it is unattainable and not even want to try.
Maybe something for you to help with the resentment would be for him to write you a letter with all the reasons why he DOES love you. The written word can be a valuable tool especially when it seems like conversation isn't fixing the problem. See a counselor to talk about self esteem issues and tell him what you need from him to know that he loves you. A love letter is always wonderful, because you can take it with you anywhere and read it anytime you want. Just a hint LOL.