21year old married couple - my stubborn husband

ssbon18 · 06-27-2008, 06:40 PM

I am a 21 year old engineering student that recently married my 21 year boyfriend at the beggining of this year. We met in June 07 so we have not know each other for too long. There are lots of ups and downs for us. First off I am hispanic and he is white. There are many differences in the customs that both our families have. The biggest problem that I am fasing at the moment is that he has been in a life crisis because he is unhappy with himself . He will starve himself to loose weight also which I do not like because that just makes him crankier which I try to tell him. Also he works at night and I work during the day during summer or go to school during the day. He sees me as being successful because I make more money than him even though I just have a internship which is obvious because of my education so far. He has 2 years of college done but does not know what he wants to be nor wants to go to school right now. I have and get along much more with my family than he does with him. He tells me how all this is not my fault or anything but still he feels that hurts him sometimes. Everytime we fight I am the one that most of the times try to solution the argument as calmly as posible and even then is it hard to make him talk to me. Alot of the times it takes me alot of begging to make him talk to me because he just ignores me or starts arguing at the point that he yells when there is no need to. He sees all the wrong he is doing and keeps telling me that he will work on them yet the next time we fight again he goes back to his customs. I dont know what to do anymore. I am giving more than I should in this relationship and I know he loves me as well but his stuborn temperament really affects our happiness. Also his depression bout how he is unhappy with his life depreses me to. All he wants to do is lay in bed all day and not eat or come out of the room. I try to get him out even if its to play with our dog because I know that it makes a small difference when he is in his moods. I talk to him alot and have changed myself alot for the better of both because I wasnt a great wife when we got in arguments but have worked through it. When we get in arguments he even starts grabbing his stuff and tries to leave even though i do everything posible to make him talk to me. Alot of the times it is me that brings up a argument but then i realize it and try to solve them also. i told him how he hurts me every time he says he is leaving for good. If he does leave he has no family or friends other than me close that will be there for him. i will and have always been there for him and I think that also helps him stay . I feel he uses the ima leave against me but in the back of his mind he knows he would have no where to go. The money also he wouldnt have. I had lots of money but with his loans and what not that I ended up paying I am as broke. We both have the same banks now as well and have improved in our money management but have so much loans out that we use our checks to pay them every month. What can I do to make him a better husband ? i would like to hear others input to this because Ive tried everything that I can and yet still the same problem.

brenda · 06-27-2008, 07:55 PM

You can't make someone change if they don't want to. He wont be able to effectivly work on your relationship until he works out his own issues. I think that he needs to talk to someone about how he's feeling, and you should probably do the same. You need to take care of your own well being, and stop focusing just on him. I hope he can become a happier person for him and you. Good luck

ztc · 07-22-2008, 12:28 AM

Well I know how it is to be married after a short amount of time. I married my husband 6 months exactly and we became engaged officaly 3 weeks after our first date. I dont quite know how you are feeling. But Brenda is right you can't change some one if they dont want to. I have tried to change my husband but in the process i almost forgot what it was about him that i fell in love with. You should try talking to him and remind him why you love him.

draconis · 07-22-2008, 12:49 AM

Many more families suffer from culture shock now then ever before because of different people mixing. It can be race, religion, or even region. It takes compromise to get past those things.

Secondly, the above posts are right. You can not "fix" or "change" another person. They have to want to do it themselves or it will never happen.

Also as far as the dieting goes, most people are like that. Maybe he just needs a better diet or to use exercise in with a slight diet for the results he wants.

It honestly sounds like he is depressed and while you succeed he is stagnant because he is depressed or simply unmotivated.

draconis

BlueCreek · 07-22-2008, 03:27 PM

First, congratulations for working so hard yourself. It shows that you understand it is rarely just one spouse that has to work to resolve problems. You're young and have learned a lesson already many people take a long time to understand.

Now, I know it sounds redundant here as everyone else has said the same thing, but you cannot change him. Until he wants to be different and really change, he won't. Oh sure, he'll say he will and things might be good for a bit, but it'll go back to the same old same old. That's not to say there might not be ways you can help get him to that point. He is definitely going through depression, and he may need counseling for that. If he's in school right now, get him to go to the school counselor. It's free and they are trained to help college age kids find direction in their life. I'm really sorry you spent a bunch of your savings on his loans though.

As for his weight. Tell him to wise up and stop starving himself. He has obviously not read a thing about losing weight if he thinks that will work. If he is serious about it, tell him to read a bit more first. He's going to college, he should know how to do even the smallest amount of research. The human body is designed to survive starvation. You stop eating and your metabolism plummets to conserve energy after about 3-4 hours (unless sleeping.) What's more, the energy your body does require at that point it starts taking from muscle mass and not fat. Starving WILL NEVER WORK long term. It might cause your weight to drop for a little bit, but it just causes you to lose muscle mass not fat, and you build up cravings (like sweets) that will drive you to eat all the wrong foods when you do crash and rebound. (99% of starvation diets end up when all is said and done with the person weighing more and having greater body fat.) And yes, starvation will make you irritable and depressed as well. If he's serious, tell him to do a little research first about proper eating habits to shed weight, and then tell him to start going to the gym, the college should have one and it won't cost you guys a penny. Exercising and eating right alone is a big help in fighting depression.

Last, but not least. Don't let him threaten to walk out on you as a way to win an argument or get his way ever again. It's possibly the lowest form of childish behavior by a spouse. It always reminds me of a kid yelling at his parent "I hate you! I hate you!" when he doesn't get his way. If he does that again, you should throw a bag in the car and let him know you're off to your family or friends house until he can stop acting like a child. Ok, I might be a bit harsh with that, but really, if you love your spouse, how can you possibly say something that so deliberately and painfully hurts them? People make that threat all the time to make a point or get their way and it astounds me to no end.

Missy · 07-22-2008, 03:57 PM

with what the others have said. I just want to add a note or two about his confidence and the fact that the two of you are not speaking in the same communication style. Communication is such a big part of a relationship, but sometimes when someone is down and just wants to be comforted and not beaten down. You may not even realize that you do this because you are trying so hard to keep up the relationship. I was guilty of that once too. Encourage him in new ways, help make him a part of what you are doing and let him know that this couldnt be done the same without him. He feels inferior to you and that is driving a lot.

DeadRose · 08-04-2008, 08:36 PM

I'm hispanic and my husband is white, I'm 19 years old and he's 29. You guys are a YOUNG COUPLE !! I think he's still trying to figure out what to do with his life. that's exactly why you are supposed to figure out what YOU want to accomplish as a person and with your future and then you can think about marriage, and yeah I know the theory, but that's exactly the opposite of what i did! The good thing here is that my husband finished his school long time ago and has been working in a job that he loves for 3 years! while I'm still in school, and he supports me.
My advise for you is, if you love him, don't give up that easily!, encourage him to find something he might feel good doing or working with. How about going to the gym together instead of starve himself, exercising does not just keep your body healthy but it energizes you and I think you can accomplish a lot more!!

I don't know if he REALLY needs to lose weight or he THINKS he needs to... i think gym works for both, but with the second one, you might one encourage him to go consult a doctor or something, because it might be something mental, and more serious than what you think.