I Desperately Need Advice
What should I do about my marriage?
I have been married over 15 yrs., have been a stay at home wife and mother, and basically done all the "wifely duties" that I am supposed to do. My husband and I have major problems, and I don't seem to be able to foster any loving feelings toward him, and I despise and endure his touch. Now for you to
understand my situation, you understand when a woman is a stay at home mom, she doesn't have her "own money." Just her husbands.
From the beginning of our marriage, he is been so overbearing and controlling when it comes to money. It started right from the get-go. We would go to the store for some groceries (or whatever), and he would give me the money to buy them, and when I returned to the car or returned home, he would want the change back. Just like if someone's child went into a store to buy something, and when they came back, the parent would ask for the change back. That was before we had any credit cards. After we got credit cards, even though I do use them, it is not without great care. I have dealt with his "reaction" for years if I bought something he didn't think was an absolute necessity. "What did you get that for? You didn't need that did you? Etc. I guess for me to get something for myself must be the worst crime. Well, because of how he is about money, and how he reacts, I have learned to simply NOT spend money b/c he has made it clear that I am not allowed to. So for years I have told him he should GIVE me money. That way if I wanted something for myself, I would have the money to buy it. OR if we were out somewhere with the kids, and they got hungry or thirsty, I could buy them something. But, he would use the excuse "You have credit cards and a checkbook." Then, I would point out to him that I can't use them b/c of how mad he gets and the fits he throws. The only times that I have actually had money in my pocket or bought myself something that cost more than a few dollars is because his mom is so gracious to give me money for Christmas and on my birthday. For years, those are the only 2 times I actually have money in my pocket.
We were married in 1991 and bought a new house in 2003. I wanted to buy some nice things to put on the walls, so I was at a Home Interior Party. I thought to myself, I have NEVER spent even $100 on myself at one time in over 10 years of marriage, so surely it would be ok to now. So I bought over $100 of Home Interior to put on the walls. What do you think happened when he found out? You guessed it! He got so mad, and was throwing a fit, and wanted to know if I could cancel the order. I lied and said NO. In my heart when he reacted in that way, it hurt me so deeply, it was literally like a knife stabbed me. I had a very sharp chest pain, and thought "he loves money, but doesn't love me."
Now you need to understand something else to get the clear picture. I can understand when people are poor, and they need that money to pay bills, that a husband would get very angry if the wife spent it. But that is entirely not the case here. We have NEVER needed money. We have always had plenty in the bank, and we have been able to pay for things like buying a car, and pay for it in full without having to take out a loan. AND, I know this will come as a surprise to many, but we have bought our house, and when we did so we paid for it in full! So if we can afford to pay cash for cars, and a house, and STILL have money in the bank...well, then surely I can afford to buy some Home Interior for the walls. Surely I can spend some money on myself once in awhile. But he has made it clear by his actions, that money is more important than his wife.
I have told him, I would rather be in debt than to be in a miserable marriage. He has destroyed my feelings for him. The worst is that this has went on for 10, 12, 15, and more years. I have talked to him, and it has done no good. Years of years of being treated that way. Years and years of my trying to talk to him about this, and he has ignored me and ignored me. He is not a communicator. I have sat on the foot of the bed, trying to talk to him. Trying to speak in a calm voice, and not be a nag, but try to show him the problem in this situation. And all he does is ignore me. He keeps his face in the book he is reading, like I am not even there, and like he doesn't hear me saying a word. And the worst is that after I said what I have said, nothing changes. It is literally like he never heard it. Like I never said it.
So after 18 years of marriage, I decided that he ISN'T going to change. So if things are going to change, I will have to change it for myself. I started working, and now I can't stop. I have a desparate need... I mean, I am consumed with the desire to make enough money that I would never have to need or want another dollar from him. I want to be completely independent, and so on.
I once told him that we need marriage counseling. I told him that for several months. But he figured that going to marriage counselor would cost him some of his precious money, so we never went.
Now, it's no longer constant nagging and resentment spewing at him. I have withdrawn from him mentally and emotionally. I no longer tell him what I think. I speak to him as little as possible so that I can avoid the pain of being ignored. Because of the hurt, because we have no communication, I am no longer physically interested in him. I feel like if he wants sex that he wants to get out of the marriage what HE wants. While he has never cared to give me what I want.
We have children, and I do not see how our marriage is going to get better. I feel like it is only going to get worse. I feel like it is irrepairable. I do not love him, all I see is a stingy, selfish man, who can't even talk about problems when I try to bring them up. And absolutely CAN'T do anything or is not willing to change them.
I honestly think if he changed now, that it would do no good, that the problems are so long been left unresolved that I could not love him now even if he did try.
I am told to stay together for the sake of the kids. And I don't make enough money to live on my own either. But how can someone stay in a marriage where I feel soon we won't even be sleeping in the same room?
If we did get marriage counseling now, would it even help? I feel like our marriage can't be fixed, that it is too late, that the damage is irrepairable.
Last edited by lynst; 08-25-2010 at 10:07 AM.