UnsettledWife

My husband's best friend is a lesbian he has only known for 4 months.

I find this very wrong, but he says she is like a guy friend. I personally don't believe that she is a lesbian. She is very flirtatious with my husband and myself. I think she is bisexual. We have gone down hill relationship-wise since he's met her because he will go and hang out with her all hours of the night until 4-5am. He thinks there is nothing wrong with that. We are going to counseling in a couple days (we've gone in the past 2x and have all been on me pushing him to go...this time he wanted to go and wants to change), but am I wrong in thinking his behavior isn't right? He says he hates himself for the way he has treated me over the years (pushing me away, not wanting to hang out with me, cuts me off from talking to him, makes me feel unwanted, unloved, lack of intimacy, etc.)

My main issues are: He sides with her over me on things. He talks to her multiple times a day on the phone, when he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone and won't with me. If they're not on the phone they are IMing. She is very homely and overweight and he told me that he would never cheat on me and is not attracted to her in any way like that. I think he is depressed and is clinging to her because we're rocky right now. He is so easily angered that I can't live my life normally without pissing him off. He told me that I am the only one that can do that to him and he wants to go to counseling to figure out why and how to make it stop.

We've been together for 7 years and he's only known her for 4 months. I think it's wrong that he hangs out with her, talks to her, etc. so much. He also drives her places when she needs a ride. He drove her to a hair appt and sat in the salon for 3 hrs then drove her home. He would never do such a thing for me. She also lives 45-60 minutes away. She asked last week if he would drive her to a GYNO appt! That fell through, but his answer was "of course"!

When she calls or he calls her, if he thinks I am listening he'll go in the backyard. I know you are thinking he's cheating on me, but he has told me that he wants to talk to her about any frustrations with us and doesn't want me to get upset. I personally disagree with going in the backyard. I think he should manup and talk to me if he's frustrated instead of going outside the relationship.

I called the therapist (new one we haven't seen before) and told her a little about the situation and his behavior towards me over the last 3-4 years (7 years together and this started around the time he lost his job). She said his relationship with her is toxic and inappropriate and it might come down to her or me. He is so attached to her that I am scared what's going to happen. She has manipulated him in many ways. He didn't want to go to a BBQ because the host wasn't someone he was friends with. She got pissed and told him their friendship is changing and how disappointed she was with him being anti-social etc. etc. Then come to find out he changed his mind and went, but I wasn't invited because it was for a client they both worked with. It was 10 ppl who brought their spouses...she purposely didn't invite me and that's one thing I hate about her. She is all nice with me and then stabs me in the back by doing stuff like this.


I had a meltdown on Monday because of all of the this and it started when the therapist couldn't see us this week because she has laryngitis. Therapy was the only thing I was clinging to and she told me we had to wait until next week. I sunk to the ground. I came home visibly upset and he was on the phone with her. I asked him if we could talk and he could call her later. He started to tell her I was upset, and I asked him to not. Then I heard her say "can't she wait?!?!"...he then proceeded to talk to her because she claimed that they might be evicted (something that wasn't happening right that second and I was upset tremendously at that moment. Me being his wife should matter more than her friendship).

The Monday before last we had a huge fight. He wanted a divorce and ended up staying over at their place. She is "married" or committed for 4 years with another girl. The next day I was invited over and he shared 3 pages of his feelings with me, with them as mediators. He stated he didn't want a divorce, he wanted therapy to work on things, but he wanted to have a temporary separation where he slept in the other bedroom. He's been there since Wednesday night of last week (week and a half). He said we are still committed to each other, wear rings, communicate, but he needs his space to think.

I am just in awe and think it's totally inappropriate to have the level of relationship he has with her. What do you think?

UnsettledWife

Tonight he told me that he is going to pick up a picture from Michael's that she had framed and drop it off at her house. I asked him why her partner can't got get it when she gets home? He said because it's "our" picture (he helped her take it down in Miami). I said because you helped her take it doesn't make it "your" picture. Then I asked him if he was going to be gone until all hours of the night again and he said no because he has to shoot a wedding tomorrow (he's a photographer) and that it's not my business anyway. I told him that everytime he hangs out with her it kills me inside. He said that it was my problem that he's not doing anything wrong. I told him that she said in the beginning of the relationship that if she was going to come between us that she would back off. I said I think I should tell her she's coming between us and he said if you do then you will see me walk out the door and not come back. I need to get to Tuesday when we have counseling. But, all of this drama is killing me each day. I wish he would just be cordial until Tuesday instead of causing more issues. I guess I have to ignore him till Tuesday. When I did that earlier on in hte week he texted me, bought me food, and took me out to dinner. I hate having to play games though to get him to pay attention to me. Please someone comfort me so I can last 4 more days!

chillax

Just read through ur post and could not not post anything. I'm sorry i dont have any advice. Dont really think i'm mature enough to give advice to begin with. But i truly feel so sorry. Sending u good luck vibes

lunalady

Having "best friends" of the opposite sex is a very bad idea in a marriage IMO. My husband had a female "best friend" when we were still dating. It almost ended up in me leaving him, and I'm struggling to forget what damage he did to our relationship.

UnsettledWife

I agree! It's just a matter of him realizing that.

Bluemoon7

IMO, the fact that the friend is a lesbian woman matters less than the fact that your husband is placing a friendship (hopefully that's all it it) with anyone (male or female) above his wife. That is not good and that should be focused on at counseling.

jitterbug

The friendship is absolutely inappropriate.

Using her a mediator in your marital issues, triply so.
It has created a tag-team dynamic, where you're the odd-man out.

Ask your H how he would feel if you had a male friend of yours ,lecture HIM about all your marital issues. A male friend who had already been disrespectful to him............

Does your H show signs of being a beta-male, who can be easily influenced by an overbearing woman?

UnsettledWife

I agree Bluemoon... I am not trying to give him excuses but I think he is going through something big right now and feels I am part of it and that's why he has clung to her. She also is very manipulative and has fed into this. My fear is when the therapist tells him she is toxic how he will react. I hope that the therapist is able to build a relationship and trust with him first before trying to get her out of our life.

He actually just spoke to her because he messed up his schedule and thought he had to shoot a wedding today, but it's tomorrow. Well tomorrow is poker. I am sure she is pretty disappointed because I heard him say that he wasn't sure when he'd be back from the wedding and then say even if the wedding ended at 9pm I still wouldn't be able to get there before 10 (which is the 2nd round of poker), so she must have been trying to see if he could show up at all. God I wish I could just get rid of her entirely- physically and mentally from his mind. She is such a source of anger for me!!!!!!

UnsettledWife

I have asked him about having a male friend and he said if he was gay he wouldn't care. Never asked about if he lectured him and has disrespected him before. I am not going to do that before counseling though, I don't want any more arguments until we are able to go to counseling. I think he is easily influenced by overbearing woman, because she is overbearing and he does whatever she asks. I feel sorry for him. One for him not realizing how ridiculous he looks and two for being so immature to do whatever she wants after only knowing her for 3-4 mo. He needs a lot of help. I hope he realizes how important I am in his life. He stated he doesn't love me anymore. I think he's clouded by possibly depression and her feeding him with negative things and therefore can't see anything good in me. I heard them one time whispering in the kitchen and he replied "no, not like I can do anything about it"...I later asked him and he told me that she asked him if it bothered him I didn't cook all the time. WTF! LIke it is her place to ask about that. She was just trying to start ****! I am sure her partner is aggravated with all the time, phone calls, texts, IMs, etc. with my husband. That's probably another reason why they are going to counseling too!

jitterbug

Her sexual orientation is really not the issue.

The bottom line is--- she is not a friend of the marriage.

She is actively undermining it. She may not have any interest in your H romantically--but from what you've described,she is already expecting him to be at her beck and call, even if when it causes tension in his homelife. My guess is that she's getting a huge ego boost from that .

And, it sounds like she's leading him to be dissatisfied with you........by asking him questions like,

"Doesn't it bother you that your W doesn't cook all the time...?'......(nudge-nudge.)

She's setting you up to be the villain---and painting herself as the rescuer to your poor,long-suffering H.

It's a prime example of triangulation.


Hopefully your H will start to see through her machinations, but it might not happen overnight. A small reassurance that I can offer you, is that when a person is that highly manipulative, they slip up and show their true colors eventually.

I'm inclined to suspect both your H and his "friend" have mommy issues. You've been unwillingly cast into the role of "the Mean Mommy" who must be rebelled against and/or punished. I could be off-target there, but it is a possibility.


As far as practical 'what to do" type advice in this scenario...

My first suggestion is that you take time to write a letter to your H, explaining how his actions are making you feel.

Then, choose a time to discuss it with him when you can be calm, (even if you're screaming on the inside), and explain how his behavior is making you feel---you can either read the letter verbatim, or use it like reference notes.I think it's important that you come across as a voice of reason, calm and collected.(he's less likely to tune you out that way...)

I would ask him point blank, "Are you looking at me through your eyes.............or hers?" "Whose hand is holding the steering wheel........?"


Maybe those pointed questions will pierce through his fog and get him to think.


Also, I'd recommend doing a lot of reading on the dynamics of emotional affairs----that is definitely what's happening here.

I wish you my best---I've been through something similar, so I can empathize with what you're feeling right now.It sucks.

UnsettledWife

I know she does things like that all the time and I could only imagine what is said to my husband when I am not there. She actually tried starting something today. She messaged me on AIM and said I asked H why you haven't talked to me in such a long time and he said "you guys are my friends not hers" and she corrected him and told him that they were my friends too. She wanted me to know that. Then she tried to ask how it was going at home and if our relationship was getting better. For both comments I didn't entertain her, I told her that I do not want to talk about anything with anyone but our therapist. She agreed. She was trying to start a fight with him and I today because he was supposed to have a wedding but got his calendar all screwed up and it's actually tomorrow. I bet she wanted him to get pissed and come running to her house. Well, on the contrary he has been playing around with me all day (being goofy and teasing me- like he used to) and we went grocery shopping and now we're fixing smoked chicken, corn, and beans for dinner together <----his idea. I can't wait for the day that he realizes her malicious ways and ends their friendship. She's so two faced - "I am your friend too. You can talk to me anytime you want." Blah Blah Blah! She is not....she just lives on drama and feels better about her messed up life when others have drama.

BTW- Mother issue- yeh she does. Her mother was a crack addict and died of breast cancer 5 years ago. They lived on the street at some point, she joined a gang, used to steal food to survive, etc...as so she says. She has so many issues that they are now subscriptions. Her mother sent her to live with her father who sexually abused her for 4 years- shoving things up inside her, sticking needles in her arms, etc. That's why she said she can't wear tampons, use sex toys, or when I accused her of being interested in my husband- sleep with my husband because she doesn't allow anyone or anything up inside her. She also recently shoplifted at Macys. She stole a $100 top by wearing it under her shirt and walking out with it. She flat out told us that without any hesitations. I do not see any reason why my husband would want her as a friend.

jitterbug

Good for you for not taking the bait when she tried to pry into your relationship issues. Any inside info you give her is likely to be twisted and used against you, I'm afraid.You'd be wise to keep a very firm boundary about that.

Speaking of boundaries, that's another suggestion I have for you.If you can get your H into a calm discussion about that, maybe the two of you can establish a rule that there will be no discussion of marital issues with opposite sex friends, period.
They should be kept strictly between the two of you, and perhaps a marriage counselor, or other detached, neutral third party. Anything else is a breach of trust, and a betrayal of privacy. Hopefully your H will wake up enough to see the sound logic there.

So, I could've been wrong about your H having mommy issues, after reading your last post. Now it sounds like he might have K.I.S.A.S. (Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome)
(read the acronym phonetically, also.....it makes sense)
He might be getting the ego boost from feeling like the "rescuer".

It's good you two are having a fun "date night " type of day. Make sure those continue~~it will help you get back to having a united front. It will also discredit the friend who keeps trying to paint you as the villain.

UnsettledWife

What's crappy is that she is so two faced. To me she is all sweet and says "you can trust me. I won't hurt you. You can talk to me whenever. I am your friend. I care about you." Blah Blah Blah! Then she slips in things under her breath to him when I am around and who knows what she says to him on Instant Messenger, Phone, or when I am not around. That is out of my control. My only hope is that he realizes how toxic she is and gets rid of her. I am focusing on being the best wife I can be and being myself. I am trying to stay positive and not delve into past issues until we see the therapist where they can control the situation, etc.

UnsettledWife

That's exactly what I am doing. I notice he starts to become much more friendly, joking, and caring towards me the more he's not around her. Just wish there were more days like this.

UnsettledWife

Then she starts crap today! She sent me a message on FB asking if I was online. If I didn't respond then she would've called me or made things worse and then told my H later. Here's our conversation from FB (I took out her name and my H name):
Me: what's up? 2:50pm
Her: Hey... was wondering if you wanted to go to 7:30 poker at b*****(sports bar) with me and L tonight since H cant be there for the first game? 2:51pm
Me: I wasn't planning on it 2:51pm
Her: Well how could you plan on it when you hadnt been invited? lol. I just figured there'd be no drama about you wanting to go since he wont be there and we dont mind you coming and hanging out. But if you dont want to, that's cool. Just wanted to include you. 2:53pm
Her: if you change your mind, shoot me a text later. It's cool
2:53pm
Me: k 2:53pm
her: Can I ask you something? 2:53pm (HERE WE GO AGAIN!)
Me: ? 2:53pm
Her: What changed? 2:53pm
Me: ? 2:53pm
Her: I thought we were connecting during all of this mess.. you and I.... and now I feel like you've completely pulled yourself away again 2:54pm
Me: I don't want to share personal things with anyone right now except for the therapist. I don't think it's a good idea. i don't want anymore drama and we had all agreed that our personal lives would be just that, so sharing things with you about H and I would be breaking our agreement anyway 2:56pm
Her: H said you've been connecting with a friend and telling her everything which is good for you to have your own friend to do that with. I am not just talking about that though... in general I am speaking about you not wanting to hang out or talk about anything... I thought we were building a friendship, especially after I stood up for you to H and the comedian (LONG STORY...SHE ENDED UP GETTING US THROWN OUT OF THE COMEDY CLUB FOR THIS!) and after you said I had a good heart and if it hadnt been for me, you probably wouldnt have a marriage at all right now

<----(I did say that because she calmed him down and was able to make him see that divorce wasn't a good option when he was upset the night he blew up. I feel if it wasn't for her we would've gotten a divorce because I wouldn't have been able to make him see differently)

Her: I don't know... that did something to me.. made me want to try harder with you.... but I feel you've pulled away. Just wanna know why 2:57pm
Me: i'm trying to make it to therapy easily without any more issues. that's all 2:57pm
Her: So, you think hanging out with me and L causes issues for you? 2:57pm
Me: again not what i am saying 2:58pm
Her: I am asking because I am confused. 2:58pm
Me: going to poker was not something H and I talked about
and I know i can do what i want 2:58pm
Her: you need his permission to go hang out with friends when he's not there? 2:58pm
Me: but poker is his thing now 2:58pm
Her:he said Monday night poker is his thing. I was in the car with him when he said it 2:58pm

(This made me angry when she said that- trying to make a stab that she was with him, once again when he told me this. He actually called me because I was still deciding if I wanted to go to poker that night (I'd have to drive separately because I would have to leave earlier to get home for work the next day) and I think she prompted him to call me to tell me that he wanted Monday to be his night w/o me....ARGH! I hate how she fills his head!)

Me: i don't want to argue with you or anyone...that's the bottom line. my only goal right now is to make it to therapy. it would be awkward for me to show up to poker for 3 hrs and make sure i leave before he gets there for the 2nd round. that's just weird IMO. 3:00pm

(He has the wedding today and told me before he left that he might go to play poker after depending on if he had time or needed to stay longer at the wedding. There are two rounds of free poker 730pm and 1030pm and his wedding ends at 9pm which is about one hour from poker. He said he would text me either way.)

Her: ok. fine. I'm gonna go. have a good day 3:00pm
Me: i am not mad at you or L. i've been through a lot and i am trying to make it to therapy..that's it 3:01pm
Her: ok. 3:01pm
Me: bye 3:01pm
Her: cya 3:02pm
*l*** is offline.

SEE HOW WACKY SHE IS?!?!? No matter what I did- didn't answer her message or not she would've caused a problem. I tried to handle it as calmly as possible and tell her flat out that I wanted to talk to the therapist not an outside party. She then brought up my friend that I have been talking to. IMO talking to my friend isn't an issue- she is only friend's with me and therefore is not causing a messed up triangulation like she is! This is the 2nd day in a row that she's tried to start something. Did I handle it correctly?