Advise thinking about my ex husband
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Old 08-14-2010, 03:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Advise thinking about my ex husband

Hello everyone, I hope you can give me some advise. I first married my high school sweetheart. We dated for years but as soon as we got married things changed. We were young and stupid. His drinking got in the way and he was going to jail. I couldn't take it and left a note and that was it. We never talked again.
I soon found someone new and got married again. We have been married for 18 years and have two children. My second husband has a drinking problem as well and doesn't spend too much time with us, he rather drink by himself. Once in awhile he gets off the wagon and we have a "life" again as a family. I know that sounds horrible but that is the way it is. I have tried telling him to go to councilling but he has never gone. I had a dead end career and have returned to school and he support me. I am almost done school and my prospects are very good. He jokes with me as soon as I get a job that I will leave him.
Sure there are times that I think about leaving especially when the drinking is bad. The kids are embarassed by his drinking and his odd behaviour, it is hard. But I do know once my career is up and running I am going to start to enjoy life again. If my husband wants to drink his life away then do it. I am planning spending time with friends etc.
But lately I have been thinking about my ex. I heard he did remarry but for some reason I think he is divorced again. I have been dreaming about him. One of our old high school friends wrote me and said he has been thinking about me and would like to email me. I just don't know what to do. Any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

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Old 08-14-2010, 04:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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An ex is an ex for a reason.

Do not use your current issues in your marriage as an excuse to see the ex.

If you can’t resolve the issues in marriage through the processes of therapy or counselling then by all means divorce and then only then should you have the desire to contact a ‘single’ ex do so, but why would you place your life and the lives of your children at risk for a flutter in your heart.
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Old 08-14-2010, 04:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You sound unhappy. Maybe your ex can find you happiness where your husband can't? Happiness starts from within, maybe thatís where you need to look for happiness. If you decide to do that youíll find it.

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Old 08-14-2010, 04:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Some people look for love in all the wrong places. Some people repeat their mistakes and then wonder why life turned out the way it did. You can break the cycle now, or can continue repeating your mistakes.

I think it is understandable that you are thinking about your ex. You are lonely and in need of love. These are needs your husband does not satisfy, so you go lacking and feeling neglected. The natural thing to do is revert back to what you know. You know you loved the ex, as he was once a source for what it is you need right now. You're just forgetting he was also the same source for what you are feeling right now for the exact same reasons. You conveniently forgot about that part. Keep your past in the past. If you ever decide to leave your husband, then look for success and not failure and stay away from men who drink. The next drunk will have you thinking about this husband after he becomes an ex.
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Old 08-14-2010, 05:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for all your wonderful advise. It is true he is my ex for a reason. In 22 years since I seen him as far as I know never tried to contact me before, so why now? A little too late!!
Yes I am lonely I will admit it. My kids are growing up and they don't need me as much. My husband doesn't want to spend time with me, he would rather by himself. I don't understand why he doesn't get lonely? Maybe I am just more social than him.
Got a phone this afternoon from another old friend which I haven't seen in awhile. His wife left him and he is now a single father. He is also craving some adult compansionship and invited me and my family over tomorrow. I told him we would love to come and the kids are excited to go, too bad my husband is "busy" tomorrow or that is what he told me.
Am I wrong to want to get out of the house instead of staring at the walls?
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Old 08-15-2010, 01:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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My husband decided to come with us. My old friend Tim and him made plans and are going golfing this week. My husband does need a friend and needs to get out more, even if it isn't with me.
Had another night dreaming about the ex. Made the mistake of googling his name and found a picture of him. I really shouldn't have done that, dam that flutter in my heart. I hope this stops soon or I am getting some councelling.
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Old 08-23-2010, 10:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't want to tell you what to do. I can only give you my story. I never have posted on this board, but ran across it online. I divorced my husband 3 yrs ago. I re-married fast (not out of love at all - long story). It was the worst mistake of my life! All I thought about was my ex. I grew up with him & he knew me better than anyone. The new man that I was with always talked about his 1st wife & what all they shared - he missed her a lot. Lo & behold, a year later, he told me leaving his wife & re-marrying me was the worst mistake of his life. We both parted, because we both couldn't get past the love in our hearts for our 1st spouses. There is a connection there that can't be touched. I constantly was having dreams about the true love of my life - my 1st. We got back in contact. We re-married each other & it's better than ever today! You truly don't know what you have until it's gone. I have so much appreciation for my husband & I cherish him, daily. He was my ex for a reason - stupidity!! I am picking up the broken vows that were spoken years ago & standing by that I vowed to God to be his wife for the rest of our lives - not until I felt like I no longer wanted to! So the broken pieces have been mended & I am guarding it! We both have learned from our mistakes. My only regret is that it took a lot of pain & detours to get where we are at today, but it is worth it in the end!
Whatever you decide - I hope it brings you happiness!
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Old 08-23-2010, 11:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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JustSayin, I am happy for you but I think your situation is an exception to the rule. Your 2nd breakup was mutual on both parts so, if you did not have any kids with him "no harm now fowl".

JJ123 you are going down a path that you will regret. My advice to you is stop immediately before you find yourself contacting your ex. Also you might want to get some counselliing because it seems you have chosen the same type of person you did the first marriage.
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Old 08-23-2010, 12:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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dblkman, True, our story is a very special one & not the norm. However, since then, we have known of several people that have gotten back together after years of divorce (one as long as 27 yrs apart). One man had a daughter with his 2nd, but that didn't stop them from getting back the 1st marriage, so it happens. Restored marriages are not unheard of. Actually, a marriage restoration online site helped me to get advice to overcome all obstacles in a restored 1st marriage - because a couple who has a restored marriage started it - it's awesome! There is countless testimonies on there. God is good! I am so thankful for my restored marriage.
To each is own & we all have to make up our own decisions in life. No one can do it for us. So my advice - neither yours - should tell this lady what to do. She must look within her own heart & see for herself.

Last edited by Just Sayin; 08-23-2010 at 01:08 PM.
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