It is difficult to know how to say these things, as best it is already hinted at the previous posts.
I will say over time on this forum as this subject comes up, the dreaded "I love you but not in love with you" scenario, the advice given has gone from mostly destructive to instead very effective on the money, and these recent posts are proving this.
So for your benefit and the benefit of the many good men also going through this and not posting but only reading, it is good to lay these things out in plain site.
When the woman says "I love you but not in love with you", she is saying she is not sexually attracted to you, therefore the emotional connection and even the respect are gone as well, as these are hand in glove with lack of sexual attraction.
I am at odds with most on this board with my next opinion, and that is fine with me even if no one in the world agrees, but I strongly see this is truth, that this notion to give a woman "space" who is feeling like this is as helpful as trying to light a bonfire by pouring water over the pyre.
Giving a woman space is just going to communicate to her that her man is indeed not the man for her, as he is not interested to fight for her or to stand up for himself, both of which will continue to tell her she is right to have lost respect for her man, to not be attracted to her man sexually, and not be emotoinally connected to her man.
But perhaps the finesse of this is, instead to simply give a woman space the more important thing is this, which maybe a form of giving space in not so many words, but much more effective, to stop following a woman around so close and instead make the distance for the good man to discover his own self again.
So maybe it is proper to say, if a man is to give a woman space it is for this deliberate purpose only, to demonstrate the good man that he is, happy and successful with or without her. But never to simply "wait and see" what happens, as to "wait and see" will instead predict exactly what will happen, and that will be that his woman leaves him in the dust.
And then in time the good man should take the courage and opportunity to demonstrate this to his woman and in behavior invite the woman to share in his happiness. This is merely what happens in the beginning of relationships, where sexual structures are in place, and sadly over time in marriage this structures are ignored, or worse, reversed.
As it seems to happen in these trouble marriages that often many good men give up their own identities to be instead the woman-worshipper, putting a woman on the pedastal and setting his goals not on pursuing his desires and dreams, but instead to try to "make her happy".
This is known as the "nice guy", and is the sure-fire way to bore a woman into resentment and misery and insecurity, to quench her fire, until the point comes when some other man does come along who does light her fire, making her feel these things she felt at the beginning.
And do not miss this, a woman will trust and follow her feelings, even away from her "nice guy" husband and breaking up the family, to some affair man or even to take her chances as a single woman, as so great is the resentment deep inside her she is feeling, that the "nice guy" makes her feel, even until the ends of the earth and the gates of hell and back a woman will trust and follow her feelings. Take that to the bank!
So in regards to loveless1, these things you must do are simple to do, but require courage.
1. Do not be afraid to confront your woman. Confront your woman to rekindle respect. Stand up for yourself, even the life you have built together, do not back down and passively watch your marriage be destroyed, show your love for your woman by not being afraid to stand up to your woman for what you believe and, this is just as important, for what you want. As the man who is revealing his desires is very very very attractive to a woman (as to a woman it is a neon sign saying "courage" and "trust"), do not miss this.
2. Stop following your woman. Being a leader of yourself, shows your woman the mettle you are made of and this will kindle the sexual attraction. Regardless, without sexual attraction there is also not the emotional connection, so all the begging, promising, crying in the world will not change a womans feeling to a man she is not emotionally connected to.
3. Watch for the affair man. Not always, but practically, when a man is getting the "not in love with you" speech, there is a reason she is suddenly awake as to how much she is not on fire for her man, this reason is usually the fire she IS feeling for some other man that could be or soon to be an affair man. Again this is not 100 percent, but closer to 99 percent so it is reasonable to assume and take this to action just the same.
So in this way is maybe something to help you to make sense of this confusion time, but do not hesitate to search these forums for this scenario, to see what works and what does not work.
And search for posts by MEM2020, Atholk, Turnera, and even take an hour or two to search out even posts by myself, as much of my 260 posts are in this same issue and how to fix it, at least food for thinking.
And to put it simply, to "put yourself first" is not only important during this time to take care of your physical and emotional and mental well being, you may discover it is also the key to put right what is not right in the relationship.
I wish you well.
First off hello new guy here!! my wife of over 13 yrs and mother of 5yr old twins just dropped the bomb on me that shes not IN LOVE with me... iam just heart broken as i just thought we were sole mates me and her against the world . a little history: we never fought ever we have known each other since high school but got together after her frist marrage failed i was never married. we always had a connection i really gave this my heart and soul.well after she told me this iam lost iam the type of guy who doesnt drink, no smoke, i have a job, drivers liscense, a business i have been running since 1989 i was never unfaithful, iam a good dad always around and always helping with the kids and home. i kept my same weight since we met and never let me appearence down, never physical hurt her ever... i cant believe this as i thought we had the dream marriage... i have been searching for help on the net and all the advice for help with FIX ITS is taylored around the fact that as a man i did something wrong..now dont get me wrong im not perfect but as far as the ideal pic goes i fit it..i have always complimented her through out or marraige, let love notes, bought flowers and nice things, made special arrangements or suprises for no reason every cell phone hang up ended in ILOVE YOU and i ment it. after the twins were born the distance started the sex was non existant but i continued to communicate asking her whats going on what can i do ect.. no answers after a few yrs i thought the distance was from post pardum from haveing the babies and hormone imbalance.. so directed my efforts into taking even more time with the kids to give her a break figured that would work never at all thinking that i needed to spend more time on us... i honestly never thought that US was an issue i thought we shared the same love connection. so now thats its out and my heart is completly crushed and we talked a million times i moved out for a few days but came home on my own because i missed my children i tryed to give her space but my sole was to weak to have patience..plus i missed my kids terribly.so now i have trust issues and feel hurt allthough i do realize it takes 2 to be in love and i cant condem her for telling me how she feels . we have a marriage counsler app tomorrow but just before writing this i caught her in a big lie never saw that side of her before now i question everything... all i ever wanted was to be happily married i understand people can have diffrences and dislikes i have a good bunch i dont like that she does but i never fell out of love with her. sorry to ramble looking for any advice at all loveless1.