My wife says she loves me but not in love help!
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

First off hello new guy here!! my wife of over 13 yrs and mother of 5yr old twins just dropped the bomb on me that shes not IN LOVE with me... iam just heart broken as i just thought we were sole mates me and her against the world . a little history: we never fought ever we have known each other since high school but got together after her frist marrage failed i was never married. we always had a connection i really gave this my heart and soul.well after she told me this iam lost iam the type of guy who doesnt drink, no smoke, i have a job, drivers liscense, a business i have been running since 1989 i was never unfaithful, iam a good dad always around and always helping with the kids and home. i kept my same weight since we met and never let me appearence down, never physical hurt her ever... i cant believe this as i thought we had the dream marriage... i have been searching for help on the net and all the advice for help with FIX ITS is taylored around the fact that as a man i did something wrong..now dont get me wrong im not perfect but as far as the ideal pic goes i fit it..i have always complimented her through out or marraige, let love notes, bought flowers and nice things, made special arrangements or suprises for no reason every cell phone hang up ended in ILOVE YOU and i ment it. after the twins were born the distance started the sex was non existant but i continued to communicate asking her whats going on what can i do ect.. no answers after a few yrs i thought the distance was from post pardum from haveing the babies and hormone imbalance.. so directed my efforts into taking even more time with the kids to give her a break figured that would work never at all thinking that i needed to spend more time on us... i honestly never thought that US was an issue i thought we shared the same love connection. so now thats its out and my heart is completly crushed and we talked a million times i moved out for a few days but came home on my own because i missed my children i tryed to give her space but my sole was to weak to have patience..plus i missed my kids terribly.so now i have trust issues and feel hurt allthough i do realize it takes 2 to be in love and i cant condem her for telling me how she feels . we have a marriage counsler app tomorrow but just before writing this i caught her in a big lie never saw that side of her before now i question everything... all i ever wanted was to be happily married i understand people can have diffrences and dislikes i have a good bunch i dont like that she does but i never fell out of love with her. sorry to ramble looking for any advice at all loveless1.
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Old 08-16-2010, 07:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

Views of marriages can be wildly different. You paint a good picture but that isn't how your wife perceives it.

The marriage counselor appointment is good. get in there and openly discuss how you feel and LISTEN to what she says. Don't get defensive. A lot of thinks you say about your marriage I see in my marriage in the past but we worked on it, were open and honest and came through it.

Good luck.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

Reading your post it all sounds very one sided i.e. would it be fair to say that you are the partner making all the effort and your wife has got into the habit of taking you for granted, possibly without realising it.

You mention catching your wife in a lie but putting this aside I do wonder if it's possible in a long term relationship to always be "in love" with your partner. I think most of us love our partners all the time but are not necessarily feeling "in love" with them all the time.

This "in love" feeling might come and go, so the fact that she does not feel "in love" with you right now does not necessarily mean she will never feel "in love" with you again. Mind you, having said that, I guess most of us do just keep it to ourselves when we are in the "not in love" phase, because we believe telling our partner this honest, but somewhat brutal, truth will cause distress. I hope for your sake that even if she isn't in love with your right now she wants to be in love with you again in the future.

I'm sorry your hurting.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

I know the guy who has this site. He is better at this stuff than just about anyone. Nothing will kill a womans love like a man being too nice, too understanding and not standing up for himself. Don't be fooled by his site name - this guy is really skilled at teaching you how to create passion/desire/etc.

Married Man Sex Life

I would also suggest you have your wife fill out a love busters and love kindlers questionnaire. There may be things you are doing that drive her crazy that you don't even know about.


Quote:
Originally Posted by loveless1 View Post
First off hello new guy here!! my wife of over 13 yrs and mother of 5yr old twins just dropped the bomb on me that shes not IN LOVE with me... iam just heart broken as i just thought we were sole mates me and her against the world . a little history: we never fought ever we have known each other since high school but got together after her frist marrage failed i was never married. we always had a connection i really gave this my heart and soul.well after she told me this iam lost iam the type of guy who doesnt drink, no smoke, i have a job, drivers liscense, a business i have been running since 1989 i was never unfaithful, iam a good dad always around and always helping with the kids and home. i kept my same weight since we met and never let me appearence down, never physical hurt her ever... i cant believe this as i thought we had the dream marriage... i have been searching for help on the net and all the advice for help with FIX ITS is taylored around the fact that as a man i did something wrong..now dont get me wrong im not perfect but as far as the ideal pic goes i fit it..i have always complimented her through out or marraige, let love notes, bought flowers and nice things, made special arrangements or suprises for no reason every cell phone hang up ended in ILOVE YOU and i ment it. after the twins were born the distance started the sex was non existant but i continued to communicate asking her whats going on what can i do ect.. no answers after a few yrs i thought the distance was from post pardum from haveing the babies and hormone imbalance.. so directed my efforts into taking even more time with the kids to give her a break figured that would work never at all thinking that i needed to spend more time on us... i honestly never thought that US was an issue i thought we shared the same love connection. so now thats its out and my heart is completly crushed and we talked a million times i moved out for a few days but came home on my own because i missed my children i tryed to give her space but my sole was to weak to have patience..plus i missed my kids terribly.so now i have trust issues and feel hurt allthough i do realize it takes 2 to be in love and i cant condem her for telling me how she feels . we have a marriage counsler app tomorrow but just before writing this i caught her in a big lie never saw that side of her before now i question everything... all i ever wanted was to be happily married i understand people can have diffrences and dislikes i have a good bunch i dont like that she does but i never fell out of love with her. sorry to ramble looking for any advice at all loveless1.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

Generally when the sex stops - which loveless said happened 5 years ago with the birth of the twins - that signals a loss of "in love". So she has been not "in love" for at least 5 years. This is not a normal hot/not hot cycle of a healthy marriage.


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Originally Posted by Advocado View Post
Reading your post it all sounds very one sided i.e. would it be fair to say that you are the partner making all the effort and your wife has got into the habit of taking you for granted, possibly without realising it.

You mention catching your wife in a lie but putting this aside I do wonder if it's possible in a long term relationship to always be "in love" with your partner. I think most of us love our partners all the time but are not necessarily feeling "in love" with them all the time.

This "in love" feeling might come and go, so the fact that she does not feel "in love" with you right now does not necessarily mean she will never feel "in love" with you again. Mind you, having said that, I guess most of us do just keep it to ourselves when we are in the "not in love" phase, because we believe telling our partner this honest, but somewhat brutal, truth will cause distress. I hope for your sake that even if she isn't in love with your right now she wants to be in love with you again in the future.

I'm sorry your hurting.
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Old 08-16-2010, 07:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

It is difficult to know how to say these things, as best it is already hinted at the previous posts.

I will say over time on this forum as this subject comes up, the dreaded "I love you but not in love with you" scenario, the advice given has gone from mostly destructive to instead very effective on the money, and these recent posts are proving this.

So for your benefit and the benefit of the many good men also going through this and not posting but only reading, it is good to lay these things out in plain site.

When the woman says "I love you but not in love with you", she is saying she is not sexually attracted to you, therefore the emotional connection and even the respect are gone as well, as these are hand in glove with lack of sexual attraction.

I am at odds with most on this board with my next opinion, and that is fine with me even if no one in the world agrees, but I strongly see this is truth, that this notion to give a woman "space" who is feeling like this is as helpful as trying to light a bonfire by pouring water over the pyre.

Giving a woman space is just going to communicate to her that her man is indeed not the man for her, as he is not interested to fight for her or to stand up for himself, both of which will continue to tell her she is right to have lost respect for her man, to not be attracted to her man sexually, and not be emotoinally connected to her man.

But perhaps the finesse of this is, instead to simply give a woman space the more important thing is this, which maybe a form of giving space in not so many words, but much more effective, to stop following a woman around so close and instead make the distance for the good man to discover his own self again.

So maybe it is proper to say, if a man is to give a woman space it is for this deliberate purpose only, to demonstrate the good man that he is, happy and successful with or without her. But never to simply "wait and see" what happens, as to "wait and see" will instead predict exactly what will happen, and that will be that his woman leaves him in the dust.

And then in time the good man should take the courage and opportunity to demonstrate this to his woman and in behavior invite the woman to share in his happiness. This is merely what happens in the beginning of relationships, where sexual structures are in place, and sadly over time in marriage this structures are ignored, or worse, reversed.

As it seems to happen in these trouble marriages that often many good men give up their own identities to be instead the woman-worshipper, putting a woman on the pedastal and setting his goals not on pursuing his desires and dreams, but instead to try to "make her happy".

This is known as the "nice guy", and is the sure-fire way to bore a woman into resentment and misery and insecurity, to quench her fire, until the point comes when some other man does come along who does light her fire, making her feel these things she felt at the beginning.

And do not miss this, a woman will trust and follow her feelings, even away from her "nice guy" husband and breaking up the family, to some affair man or even to take her chances as a single woman, as so great is the resentment deep inside her she is feeling, that the "nice guy" makes her feel, even until the ends of the earth and the gates of hell and back a woman will trust and follow her feelings. Take that to the bank!

So in regards to loveless1, these things you must do are simple to do, but require courage.

1. Do not be afraid to confront your woman. Confront your woman to rekindle respect. Stand up for yourself, even the life you have built together, do not back down and passively watch your marriage be destroyed, show your love for your woman by not being afraid to stand up to your woman for what you believe and, this is just as important, for what you want. As the man who is revealing his desires is very very very attractive to a woman (as to a woman it is a neon sign saying "courage" and "trust"), do not miss this.

2. Stop following your woman. Being a leader of yourself, shows your woman the mettle you are made of and this will kindle the sexual attraction. Regardless, without sexual attraction there is also not the emotional connection, so all the begging, promising, crying in the world will not change a womans feeling to a man she is not emotionally connected to.

3. Watch for the affair man. Not always, but practically, when a man is getting the "not in love with you" speech, there is a reason she is suddenly awake as to how much she is not on fire for her man, this reason is usually the fire she IS feeling for some other man that could be or soon to be an affair man. Again this is not 100 percent, but closer to 99 percent so it is reasonable to assume and take this to action just the same.

So in this way is maybe something to help you to make sense of this confusion time, but do not hesitate to search these forums for this scenario, to see what works and what does not work.

And search for posts by MEM11363, Atholk, Turnera, and even take an hour or two to search out even posts by myself, as much of my 260 posts are in this same issue and how to fix it, at least food for thinking.

And to put it simply, to "put yourself first" is not only important during this time to take care of your physical and emotional and mental well being, you may discover it is also the key to put right what is not right in the relationship.

I wish you well.


Quote:
Originally Posted by loveless1 View Post
First off hello new guy here!! my wife of over 13 yrs and mother of 5yr old twins just dropped the bomb on me that shes not IN LOVE with me... iam just heart broken as i just thought we were sole mates me and her against the world . a little history: we never fought ever we have known each other since high school but got together after her frist marrage failed i was never married. we always had a connection i really gave this my heart and soul.well after she told me this iam lost iam the type of guy who doesnt drink, no smoke, i have a job, drivers liscense, a business i have been running since 1989 i was never unfaithful, iam a good dad always around and always helping with the kids and home. i kept my same weight since we met and never let me appearence down, never physical hurt her ever... i cant believe this as i thought we had the dream marriage... i have been searching for help on the net and all the advice for help with FIX ITS is taylored around the fact that as a man i did something wrong..now dont get me wrong im not perfect but as far as the ideal pic goes i fit it..i have always complimented her through out or marraige, let love notes, bought flowers and nice things, made special arrangements or suprises for no reason every cell phone hang up ended in ILOVE YOU and i ment it. after the twins were born the distance started the sex was non existant but i continued to communicate asking her whats going on what can i do ect.. no answers after a few yrs i thought the distance was from post pardum from haveing the babies and hormone imbalance.. so directed my efforts into taking even more time with the kids to give her a break figured that would work never at all thinking that i needed to spend more time on us... i honestly never thought that US was an issue i thought we shared the same love connection. so now thats its out and my heart is completly crushed and we talked a million times i moved out for a few days but came home on my own because i missed my children i tryed to give her space but my sole was to weak to have patience..plus i missed my kids terribly.so now i have trust issues and feel hurt allthough i do realize it takes 2 to be in love and i cant condem her for telling me how she feels . we have a marriage counsler app tomorrow but just before writing this i caught her in a big lie never saw that side of her before now i question everything... all i ever wanted was to be happily married i understand people can have diffrences and dislikes i have a good bunch i dont like that she does but i never fell out of love with her. sorry to ramble looking for any advice at all loveless1.
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Old 08-16-2010, 07:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

My wife had just recently told me the same thing, I had taken it the same way, I was, and still am crushed, however I feel that there is nothing I can do about it. I loved her and spoiled her so much that I lost myself, and she feels that she lost hwerself as well, I found that smothering her with EXTRA special treatment and attention was just pushing her away more, I couldnt understand it, and still don't. Yet what is "being in love" really? One being "in love" with the idea of something, matbe an action or routine that the two of you become so used to that after a while it loses it value. I thought wheb she said this, and stopped doing the things that I was used to (like holding hands in public all the time, cuddleing all the time) that she really dosent love me anymore, or am I just in love with the idea of this routine? If so, then maybe it' sm e that should be more open and accepting to her need for change, after all if they hav'nt looked you in the eye and said the words " I WANT A DIVORCE" the relationship must still count for something right? I hope this can help, after all im in no posistion to give advice, contray to that, I despretly need advice myself. So feel free if you have any words of wisdom, but if you love her, don't give up, I wont, we may even be hopless romantic fools, but were fools in love. GOOD LUCK.
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Old 08-16-2010, 08:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

I think BBW is right. You can't follow / cling as that is toxic for both of you. When you come home from work if you radiate an upbeat, fun to be around vibe. Being "too serious" and talking about how "you feel" IS going to push her away.

I generally do NOT talk to my W about:
- Things I know she is not very interested in
- Things that are negative/depressing (unless I have a constructive purpose)
- Things that make her angry - like some political things just get her wound up - why would I push that button on purpose

I generally START with:
- Before I open my mouth - before a single word escapes this is what my W hears from my body language, my face and smile:
1. I am overall happy - hell I AM happy I just walked in the door and I see my W - my shoulders are back, head is up I am radiating energy - happy energy.
2. I am glad to see HER - eye contact and a big smile as I walk toward her.
3. This gets a dash of empathy/concern if she looks tired or tense or sad and in fact she gets the "head tilt" which means "what is wrong" and I wait for her to speak.
4. She gets a nice enveloping, full body hug and a sigh of content while I hug her.

If anything is bothering her I start with "how was your day, or are you ok?" MY job is to support and protect. If W is perturbed we start with that.

So much happens before the first word is uttered.












Quote:
Originally Posted by The invisibleman View Post
My wife had just recently told me the same thing, I had taken it the same way, I was, and still am crushed, however I feel that there is nothing I can do about it. I loved her and spoiled her so much that I lost myself, and she feels that she lost hwerself as well, I found that smothering her with EXTRA special treatment and attention was just pushing her away more, I couldnt understand it, and still don't. Yet what is "being in love" really? One being "in love" with the idea of something, matbe an action or routine that the two of you become so used to that after a while it loses it value. I thought wheb she said this, and stopped doing the things that I was used to (like holding hands in public all the time, cuddleing all the time) that she really dosent love me anymore, or am I just in love with the idea of this routine? If so, then maybe it' sm e that should be more open and accepting to her need for change, after all if they hav'nt looked you in the eye and said the words " I WANT A DIVORCE" the relationship must still count for something right? I hope this can help, after all im in no posistion to give advice, contray to that, I despretly need advice myself. So feel free if you have any words of wisdom, but if you love her, don't give up, I wont, we may even be hopless romantic fools, but were fools in love. GOOD LUCK.
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Old 08-17-2010, 08:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

Thanks all for some good advice, all i can say is im on my way up!!!I was really comfy with this marriage and did naturally do alot for her because i wanted too.we went for our fist marriage counsel yesterday it was good older exp lady who seems to follow the book and its what i liked. I still get the unsure response from her(wife) when i ask a question it drives me nuts but its also making me stronger i realize that i did compromise ALOT in our relationship things i thought i had to deal with and now because of her actions i realize i dont and wont!! I realize that i deserve to be happy and have alot to give to someone the right one and only with communication will we be able to work out our marriage. As this started with her and what shes not feeling its ending with me realizing that i deserve whats best for me and my children.
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Old 08-18-2010, 04:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

This is heartening to hear!

I know the bitter pills are bitter, but often it is just this, the good man has become lazy and in autopilot in the relationship, a nice guy and good husband, but the numbness and boredom leading to resentment and bitterness in his woman, it sometimes takes a bucket of cold water over his head to wake him up to what he is missing!

So the good man wakes up, takes the courage to show the world mettle he is made of, even showing his woman, is often when he discovers this is what his woman is missing and nagging and being unsatisfied and unhappy and resentful all along.

Yes to turn these miserable scenarios around, the sexless marriage and the nice guy scenerio, yes I am the optimist compared to some on this forum but that is only because I have seen what happens in experience over and over, I am not making this up!

When the nice guys wakes up, not to really change so to say, but to stop masquarading and charading and instead not be afraid to express himself in courage and honesty, in the long haul sure, but even in the days and weeks when the good man is awakened, is the path to misery in the relationship is abandoned, and the path to happiness is instead being mapped out and followed.

I hope you continue on the way up!

Quote:
Originally Posted by loveless1 View Post
Thanks all for some good advice, all i can say is im on my way up!!!I was really comfy with this marriage and did naturally do alot for her because i wanted too.we went for our fist marriage counsel yesterday it was good older exp lady who seems to follow the book and its what i liked. I still get the unsure response from her(wife) when i ask a question it drives me nuts but its also making me stronger i realize that i did compromise ALOT in our relationship things i thought i had to deal with and now because of her actions i realize i dont and wont!! I realize that i deserve to be happy and have alot to give to someone the right one and only with communication will we be able to work out our marriage. As this started with her and what shes not feeling its ending with me realizing that i deserve whats best for me and my children.
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Old 09-06-2010, 06:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Well update!!!!! its be a rough couple of weeks I have done so much research... it seems to be a big pay off i /she believes we found the (i dont know) through my searching and the like: L.B test AND the 5 language of love tests that it all boiled down to our mixed matched sex drive..mine being very high and hers non existant... we spoke diffrent love lang as well mine physical touch hers words or affirmation so it makes sense that we were caught in a viciuos circle she disliked my groping and my anger and always wanting sex... which were all a result of on my end the lack of sex so to speak being backed up. She wants to try and work on these issues so far i cross my fingers, i really want this to be good again...she hasnt read any of the books ive read or really did any research ive done but she has been consumed with the kids and school starting i will be patience and wait until they are back then i expect devotion to our marriage...instead of just waitng to see our counsler. Personal note: ive been completely changed from this good and of course bad... ive learned to view my self better ive believe to have found my self for the good traits and the bad and iam applying to my marriage... not sure she can look that deep herself or if she wants too but atlast its her call now if she doesnt well it might end us..but i can honestly say that I TRYED MY BEST!!!! i hope she answers the call as well, i know this will take some time and im a long haul guy here so i will wait, thks for the advice loveless1.
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Old 09-06-2010, 09:19 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!

Thank you for the update.

Really, you are in a good place as you would expect to be in this situation.

The introspection in yourself, and as well to often "go outside" yourself and look back at your own person, and ask what in life are you even meeting your own expectations, exceeding them, or lacking and needing to put effort in.

To reach this point, is so far and away even further than many people ever have the courage to do, and I applaud you.

Only on yourself an no one else, will the changes and behaviors be that are in your control. These things are what matter, and even though you cannot decide for your wife these things for herself, the reality is to focus on yourself is the most powerful means to putting the relationship back to a proper keel.

So continue on your direction, do these things that you know need doing, and when these structures and behaviors are in place for yourself, that you are indeed showing in action and not words the man you indeed are.

Also I am the optimist, that when the good man is in control of himself, and bold to show his desires to his wife, that this will light a fire in his woman. And to honor the structure of sexual attraction, then the woman should very much equal or exceed the man in sexual drive. I am the optimist becaues I have seen this happen time and time again.

So for now I will only add this, when these things are in motion for yourself, then do not hesitate to be bold, and insist that your woman know what you want in your life, your relationship, and be confident and forward and take the initiative to invite her into your happiness.

Simply this:

A woman loves to be desired by a man that himself is desireable.

I encourage all good men to memorize this above, and also to notice that it is two "desires" that are important for him to communicate to his woman, not just one.

I am hoping and confident things will continue to go well for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by loveless1 View Post
Well update!!!!! its be a rough couple of weeks I have done so much research... it seems to be a big pay off i /she believes we found the (i dont know) through my searching and the like: L.B test AND the 5 language of love tests that it all boiled down to our mixed matched sex drive..mine being very high and hers non existant... we spoke diffrent love lang as well mine physical touch hers words or affirmation so it makes sense that we were caught in a viciuos circle she disliked my groping and my anger and always wanting sex... which were all a result of on my end the lack of sex so to speak being backed up. She wants to try and work on these issues so far i cross my fingers, i really want this to be good again...she hasnt read any of the books ive read or really did any research ive done but she has been consumed with the kids and school starting i will be patience and wait until they are back then i expect devotion to our marriage...instead of just waitng to see our counsler. Personal note: ive been completely changed from this good and of course bad... ive learned to view my self better ive believe to have found my self for the good traits and the bad and iam applying to my marriage... not sure she can look that deep herself or if she wants too but atlast its her call now if she doesnt well it might end us..but i can honestly say that I TRYED MY BEST!!!! i hope she answers the call as well, i know this will take some time and im a long haul guy here so i will wait, thks for the advice loveless1.
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:44 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Exclamation Re: My wife says she loves me but not in love help!


Like,I told you, in my other posting "Get a marriage counselor" Yes, I know you, say that the wife has heard some bad things about them- but it does not mean it will happen for the two of you... Talk to her and see if she is welling to go two of the meetings with the three of you- the Counselor, Yourself and the Wife- See if she then feels the same way- because most likely she will not...

Also, it sounds like she's scared of becoming to close to you, for reason of her health that she, has going on (You, did not list everything that is wrong with her) Also depression, can do a lot of things to a person and it will sit a person back on a lot of things. I understand where you're coming from on here but, you also need to show her that you do really love her and show her how much you are in love with her. It does take two to make a marriage work; love is a funny thing, and it is something so very rare that people would share. People, are always saying that "I loved you before but I do not love you anymore." Another one is "I still love you, but I just am not in love with you anymore" see now those two lines there- that is all it is; are lines... Someone, who is truly in love and that loves someone they will not just stop loving the person. Now, you, you are in love with your wife and I feel you, having a lot of love, for her as well. With her- she, really does not seem to know what it is she wants here... So, she is scared like I said and she feel that the only thing to do is run- to hide- to lie- to draw herself away from you... Has she ever cheated on you? because that could be another thing that is going on to why, she is acting the way she is...



Cynthriaa
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