General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I’m brand new and wanted to say hi before I dive right into my question. So hello there and imagine a cheerful wave! ^_^
I’m afraid this may get pretty long and detailed, so thank you in advance for you kindness in reading all my ramblings.
I’m a little confused about how I should take something that happened between my boyfriend and I a day or two ago and how I should proceed. I need to take you back a little bit in time. About three weeks ago I asked him how he felt about getting married roughly around this time next year. (We had both been hinting around a bit here and there about it for a couple of months so I thought it was a pretty safe thing to bring up.) He said he liked the idea and we even spoke a little bit about possible dates. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of other things were casually mentioned and nothing seemed to be amiss when they were spoken of. Suddenly a couple of days ago he asked me what all I thought would be involved in planning the wedding so I pulled out my iPhone and began reading a basic break down that an app I had on there had created for me.
He started to look extremely uncomfortable and I immediately knew something was wrong. Even though he continued with the conversation as though everything was fine I knew everything was NOT fine. I went over to him and told him that if at any time he felt like he didn’t want to do this or he wasn’t ready or whatever to please tell me. He said he was suddenly extremely nervous when I began naming all the stuff that had to be done and that his heart had begun to race. He said he needed some time to think about WHY that had happened and he couldn’t really tell me right then.
I had to go to work in just a few minutes and was not pleased at all to have to leave right in the middle of this and suddenly became extremely angry. Not that he had been honest, I was very glad for that actually; I think I felt angry because I felt stupid. Like I thought everything was fine and good and that we had moved to this point together when in reality just the IDEA of marrying me caused him extreme anxiety. I found that very hurtful.
Because of my sudden anger I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what was up. That conversation really didn’t go well and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc.
When I got home from work that evening he said that he felt like we were putting the cart before the horse because he had not even asked me to marry him yet and wanted to know if I wanted a ring . When I said that I did he said that he wanted to go looking for rings this weekend and then he wanted to hold on to the ring until he thought of a cool special thing he could do as a proposal.
I’m really confused by all this. We are both VERY practical people and it never occurred to me that he would want to do a traditional proposal with all the trimmings. I’m trying to figure out now if I just totally pegged him wrong (that he’s far more romantic than I thought) or if this is some kind of stall tactic because he’s not really ready to get engaged or married but he thinks getting the ring and sitting on/hiding it (for however long it takes him to be ready to give it to me) is going to make me feel better; like it’s a pacifier of sorts.
There is also an issue of control that I can’t put my finger on that makes me slightly uncomfortable as well. Like he has to be the one to initiate all of this or he won’t feel like a “real man”. I’ve never done well with traditional gender roles so there’s something mildly offensive about that to me. But at the same time part of me thinks it’s very sweet that it seems to mean so much to him that we do it the “right” way.
Any ideas you have on this would be great! Am I just being weird and difficult? ^_^ Oh, it may be important to know that we’ve been together for a year and a half and lived together for 6 months.
How are you? My initial thought was that this was a stall tactic. That things were "moving too fast" for him and he was trying to put the brakes on and get his bearings a little. This could still be the case but something else occurred to me.
It's possible that this is a man-pride thing. I have known several people who have been engaged without a ring to show for it. And, the man always felt a little funny about not being able to provide a ring for his lady. I mean, when a woman tells you that she's engaged, isn't one of the first things that you do is look for/at the ring? So, perhaps if he is not able to provide this, he feels like a lesser man. Also, perhaps he truly does want to propose to you in a romantic way and feels that, in the haste, he is not going to be able to make it special.
All this being said, if he has never been a romantic guy, then he's most likely stalling and trying to get his bearings (like I said initially). Also, if money is a factor, perhaps that is bugging him. He might be calculating the cost of everything and his head is swimming a little. And if he is prideful, he won't want to admit that.
I really don't have any advice except that you keep your eyes open. If he remains anxious and if you feel that he's trying to stall or not get married, you'll need to get to the bottom of this and plan your next move. Oh, and do your best to not blast on him (unless you find that he actually deserves it). I hope that this helps you some. Good luck.
How are you? My initial thought was that this was a stall tactic. That things were "moving too fast" for him and he was trying to put the brakes on and get his bearings a little. This could still be the case but something else occurred to me.
It's possible that this is a man-pride thing. I have known several people who have been engaged without a ring to show for it. And, the man always felt a little funny about not being able to provide a ring for his lady. I mean, when a woman tells you that she's engaged, isn't one of the first things that you do is look for/at the ring? So, perhaps if he is not able to provide this, he feels like a lesser man. Also, perhaps he truly does want to propose to you in a romantic way and feels that, in the haste, he is not going to be able to make it special.
All this being said, if he has never been a romantic guy, then he's most likely stalling and trying to get his bearings (like I said initially). Also, if money is a factor, perhaps that is bugging him. He might be calculating the cost of everything and his head is swimming a little. And if he is prideful, he won't want to admit that.
I really don't have any advice except that you keep your eyes open. If he remains anxious and if you feel that he's trying to stall or not get married, you'll need to get to the bottom of this and plan your next move. Oh, and do your best to not blast on him (unless you find that he actually deserves it). I hope that this helps you some. Good luck.
He could just be overwhelmed. I mean you start reading a guy a list of:
We need to:
Pick a church,
pick a banquet hall,
find a caterer and do taste tests,
find a photographer and meet,
find a florist and pick out flowers for the bridal party, church and reception,
find a DJ
pick the bridal party
find a dress for me and bridesmaids dresses
rent tuxes
rent limos
plan a honeymoon
and on and on.
It can just hit you as overwhelming. As women we know how much planning goes into a wedding - Men tend to think they just need to show up and it will all magically appear
Maybe a big wedding (or even traditional) is overwhelming to him. See how he would feel about a justice of the peace ceremony with a small group of family, then throw a house warming party after you get back from the honeymoon. See if his reaction is any different.
He could just be overwhelmed. I mean you start reading a guy a list of:
We need to:
Pick a church,
pick a banquet hall,
find a caterer and do taste tests,
find a photographer and meet,
find a florist and pick out flowers for the bridal party, church and reception,
find a DJ
pick the bridal party
find a dress for me and bridesmaids dresses
rent tuxes
rent limos
plan a honeymoon
and on and on.
It can just hit you as overwhelming. As women we know how much planning goes into a wedding - Men tend to think they just need to show up and it will all magically appear
Maybe a big wedding (or even traditional) is overwhelming to him. See how he would feel about a justice of the peace ceremony with a small group of family, then throw a house warming party after you get back from the honeymoon. See if his reaction is any different.
Ok, so here is what you did. You started a light and seemingly airy conversation about the vague near future and he was all for just teasing into it a bit.
But then you fired up the marriage planning app on your iphone!
It was then clearly he was feeling like you had planned it all out before he'd even gotten into the light and airy feeling.
He hadn't even asked you to marry him and you have a database of tasks to accomplish to make this wedding happen.
Definitely cart before the horse.
He may even appreciate your organizational skills--later. But he wanted to pick the time and place of asking you to marry him.
I'm a woman, and I don't dare to assume to ever know what men are thinking (and I have 2 sons! lol), but I look at what you describe: a joking conversation that turns into a serious longass list of things to do to plan the wedding, and there was never even a proposal. *I* want to run the other way. I think he thought the whole thing was your way of hinting around that you'd like to get engaged/married, and then suddenly you took it from hinting to planning, and he freaked a little. He hadn't even proposed yet, and maybe hadn't even really given much serious thought to proposing yet, and you had an app on your phone to plan the wedding.
You're both very practical people. Practicality is great; but there are some things that practicality just does not apply to. Even the most practical of people can harbor a secret wish to have an elaborate, romantic, sentimental marriage proposal. You might not have that wish, and that is fine; but perhaps he does have that wish.
My advice: sit down with him, apologize for getting so upset, and tell him you'd like to calmly discuss this issue. Explain to him that you thought you two were seriously discussing marriage, and didn't realize he thought you were only joking. Explain the practicality thing. Then, ask for his input. Ask him to tell you what he's thinking/feeling on this issue. Take it from there.
I'm a woman, and I don't dare to assume to ever know what men are thinking (and I have 2 sons! lol), but I look at what you describe: a joking conversation that turns into a serious longass list of things to do to plan the wedding, and there was never even a proposal. *I* want to run the other way. I think he thought the whole thing was your way of hinting around that you'd like to get engaged/married, and then suddenly you took it from hinting to planning, and he freaked a little. He hadn't even proposed yet, and maybe hadn't even really given much serious thought to proposing yet, and you had an app on your phone to plan the wedding.
You're both very practical people. Practicality is great; but there are some things that practicality just does not apply to. Even the most practical of people can harbor a secret wish to have an elaborate, romantic, sentimental marriage proposal. You might not have that wish, and that is fine; but perhaps he does have that wish.
My advice: sit down with him, apologize for getting so upset, and tell him you'd like to calmly discuss this issue. Explain to him that you thought you two were seriously discussing marriage, and didn't realize he thought you were only joking. Explain the practicality thing. Then, ask for his input. Ask him to tell you what he's thinking/feeling on this issue. Take it from there.
^ This is exactly right. You turned a light discussion into a planning session right before his eyes.
This isn't a macho, man-makes-all-decisions thing. I would bet that nothing in your wedding app had been discussed with him and in a few seconds he went from boyfriend to fiance without even knowing what happened.
On top of that, you call him from the car and yell at him. Nice.
Thanks for the thoughts, guys! I’m beginning to feel way better already by just giving it some time, and hearing your thoughts and ideas. I’m pretty sure I overreacted as well. However in my own defense I didn’t yell at him or anything. Even when I FEEL intense anger I very rarely show it, which would be difficult for someone to know since I’m writing about what I FELT rather than what I DID. (ie. I didn’t actually SAY what the *&^% is your deal when I called him on the phone.)
I’m beginning to think now that a lot of it was a misunderstanding. I’m a very literal person. I thought talking about getting married next year (three weeks ago) and his positive response to it meant that we were agreeing that the planning should begin. Not a Bridezilla-planning-every-single-second-of every-day type of planning but that over the next couple of months a few things needed to be worked out. Especially since some other conversation had already occurred about who would be invited and where it should be, etc. When I was asked what was involved I felt I was merely answering a question he wanted to know. It’s weird how anger is often the emotion people feel when they feel they’ve misunderstood someone’s feelings or intentions. It’s like a weird pride thing I guess.
Much of my reaction could be an age thing too. I’m 38 and he’s 42. That may be what made me say the thing about “I’m not sure you’ll ever be ready for marriage.” He’s 42 for Pete’s sake and has only dated one other woman as long as he’s dated me. (Actually that’s wrong. He only dated her for just under a year.) So there’s some obvious inexperience he has to wade through as well I’m sure.
Engagement weirdness: Please Help 
