General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok we took the love busters quiz and now im wondering how to start doing the repairs as this is not cut and dry to me...ok for me i had 0's on her up until #4 dishonesty and #5 annoying habits. now the biggest dishonesty just came about recent and in the form of the fact that are problems are here now bescuse she has not said or spoke up about anything since we started dating over 16yrs ago.. so my question is i feel i was lied to from the start im worried i might not really know the person i though i did, and worse yet might not like the person she becomes i though she was easy going and the cool chick sounds like she wants to let the inner ***** woman out not who i married, and the BAD HABITS onE is stuff i also new from the begining but as much as id like it to be resolved honestly its nothing i really cant live with or ruin a marriage over.... EXCEPT ONE THING HER LACK OF NEVER BEING IN THE MOOD my #1 pick i want a sexually relationship like in the first 10 yrs of our relationnow she says she could nevr do it again and be happy... now her biggest picks are 1 AnGRY OUTBURSTS past 5 yrs of our relation ship which i can see and i can fix it seems to boil down to my sexual frustration and stress which ill mention later her next was ANNOYING BEHAVIER number 1 was a tie with groping me and comments about other woman, now the comments of other woman i can fix easy i was in a bad relation with ex and could never look or say anything about even woman on tv so when i met her (wife) it was nice to finally be able to mention it ..by all means i can keep my mouth shut BUT......the groping is my biggest challange once again her not speaking up from the beginning of our relationship i was doing it since then iam a big groper not in a pervert way just i love a womans body curves smell ect she has an amazing body 36d and thin with bubble buut every mans dream with georgous face
its hard to not want her all the time and im not sure NOW at this time if id be happy changing to a no hands on guy, i realize the vicious circle here i pushed her away by groping her and angry out bursts and in return i got worse because i got angry for not getting any sex and after 12 days of nothing groped even more than ever to try and get what i could... like i said i have always been hands on guy from start iam worried that this might not work out if the new outspoken her comes out and now after 16yrs i cant be my self not the person i married iam gonna try for say a month but iam worried im gonna start building resentment..i hope i worded everything right to understand my question. any advice thks loveless1.
You've invested 16 years. A month, in my opinion, is not sufficient time to allow things to happen. Yes, she might be a totally different person than who you thought she was (although I doubt it), but you might find that you like that person anyway. I would guess that she held back stuff because she was unsure or even afraid of your reaction. It's also possible that she didn't hold back as much as you think, but that in fact, she did attempt to tell you (either with words or actions) and you simply ignored it.
When you do the Love Busters, or any attempt at total honesty and fixing your relationship, you have to be completely open to whatever might come out of it, even when it's things you don't like to hear or that make you think, "OMG, I don't even know you!" The point is to discover where you two are feeling very differently and to try to either change or compromise, depending on the subject. And if your reaction is to flip out and say "I don't know you, I'm leaving"....well, of course she's going to hold back on you. She loves you and wants to be married to you, and if she thinks telling you something is going to make you leave, then she's going to think about it and decide that for the sake of the marriage, she'll keep it to herself. No, that doesn't do anything to help the marriage. But she thinks it does.
Also keep in mind that people do change over time. No one ever stays exactly the same (except for some really immature people). There are things about me that are completely different than they were 16 years ago. Something I enjoyed 10 years ago might be something I despise now, and vice versa. Same goes for your wife, and if you're completely honest, for you as well. It might be that she was fine with the things she's complaining about in the beginning, but at some point, as she grew older and different, it became an issue for her. And it doesn't mean you have to stop completely necessarily. It just means you need to listen to her, hear her out and possibly just compromise. Maybe instead of groping her 10 times a day everyday, you have to learn to only grope her once every other day. And when you're working on the compromise, ask her to remind you gently of what you're trying to change, and you have to be able to accept those gentle reminders w/o getting bent out of shape.
A trucker you make some great points a month is just a starting point not written in stone we have to much invested so ill go the distance. you are correct she did it out of fear of how id react i know this but it seems after 16 yrs of a smoke screen i still feel i might not know her the one i married its the biggest lie to me, she didint change or grow in time its just she couldnt handle her longest lie anymore... how would you like to hear that mr trucker really wasnt a trucker hes really an accountant bad anology i know but trying to make my point . i never flipped out and said im quiting i dont know you... i just have consirns that i MIGHT if the test reveled stuff that developed over time i could say it would be an easier change but this was from the begining i might not have married her ( i said might) if i had known the real person. i wanted someone that i felt connected with as my wife i feel thats been violated.. i see her ultimate sacrafice of this but alot it does us now 2 kids and 16 yrs later it bit her and i in the arse.how she held it in this long is amazing. at this point i know i have to try im just looking for help so i dont build my own resentament to how i now have to change.thks loveless1
I think you are looking at the quiz all wrong. It isn't so you can try to justify your behavior that they find upsetting. It is simply telling you what makes your spouse unhappy. You two are supposed to make some changes to make it not have the same cause/effect.
Okay, she doesn't like being groped and you don't like her never wanting sex. Sooooooo, ease off of her a bit. Stop touching her sexually all the time and touch her intimately. Hug her, hold her hand. Don't always act like you are only touching her to get sex. That my friend, can have the wonderful effect of her wanting sex with you more, since it doesn't seem like you are trying to push it on her.
Angry outbursts you say you can get under control. This also will improve your relationship so she can feel comfortable telling you the truth. Why would she tell you the truth if she knows you are going to have a fit about it? She wouldn't. She would keep it in just to avoid the fight.
Loveless, I understand you were trying to make a point with your trucker/accountant analogy, but either I don't get the point, or my thought here is correct: I know he's a truck driver, since I've seen his truck. If he were an accountant, I would know because there would be some extremely obvious differences in our life as a result. So, IF I were to suddenly find out that he were not a trucker, but in fact an accountant, one of two things would have happened: (1) I would have been extremely oblivious to things that any child could see, or (2) he would have pulled off an extremely huge deception. And the thing is, to pull off that kind of deception would have required so much thought and effort, it wouldn't be worth it. My point here is to say that if whatever it was was so big, I can't see how she pulled it off for so many years, so it would seem to me you had to ignore signs of it. Which means you need to accept some responsibility for the fact that she got away with it.
Without knowing exactly what "the lie" was (and I'm not asking you to share it), it's hard to say how you should feel about it. But I think, given the years you've spent together, and that you have children, you might be...not overreacting, but taking it harder than you should. Ask yourself: Does "the lie" truly detract from the happiness you felt with her all those years? For example, if "the lie" were that she had been cheating on you all through your marriage, ok, yes, that would detract and being this upset is reasonable. But if "the lie" were that she said she grew up in Pittsburgh, but she really grew up in Detroit...well, does that really affect the life you've had together? No, it doesn't. So, yes, it hurts that she lied, but you get over it.
Dawn im afraid you have it all wrong i also didnt fill in the gaps of info about me , i am a romantic always have been in the begining years as an italian i always gave a strong hug with slight slide of the breast or rub on the bum it s my up bringing to show love and affection ect it was never and still is not a titty twist as i run by like a school kid slapping her ass, i will admit as time went by and mostly after the twins were born the sex was non existant she stopped making any moves at all and i became more clinging and wanting more.. tired of making the move and of course it was pushing her away... vicious circle then came my resentament and the anger that followed because my problems work,kid stress, life ,money ect was still there and i needed to know that at least i still had love and then sex. by the way iam not a selfish lover my entire life i have and will continue to always get my wife off multis then myself i enjoy feeling her pleasure. trust me i will work on the problem thats is the purpose of the test iam not justifying my actings and thats it, my fear is she was such a good woman for 16 yrs holding back her feelings of this to make it work for her and me but never did she realize she wouldnt be able to forever and this would come out, so now im left with a feeling of who exactly did i marry i mean after all i made my descion on who to marry based on how she was ACTING AT THE TIME FOR 16YRS im not saying that im not gonna try its just hard to think i was excepted for who i am and then find out its a big lie, and i dont want to try and bury my feelings for the next 16ys and build the same resentment and do this all over agian just this time it would be me ... does this make sense??
Loveless, I understand you were trying to make a point with your trucker/accountant analogy, but either I don't get the point, or my thought here is correct: I know he's a truck driver, since I've seen his truck. If he were an accountant, I would know because there would be some extremely obvious differences in our life as a result. So, IF I were to suddenly find out that he were not a trucker, but in fact an accountant, one of two things would have happened: (1) I would have been extremely oblivious to things that any child could see, or (2) he would have pulled off an extremely huge deception. And the thing is, to pull off that kind of deception would have required so much thought and effort, it wouldn't be worth it. My point here is to say that if whatever it was was so big, I can't see how she pulled it off for so many years, so it would seem to me you had to ignore signs of it. Which means you need to accept some responsibility for the fact that she got away with it.
Without knowing exactly what "the lie" was (and I'm not asking you to share it), it's hard to say how you should feel about it. But I think, given the years you've spent together, and that you have children, you might be...not overreacting, but taking it harder than you should. Ask yourself: Does "the lie" truly detract from the happiness you felt with her all those years? For example, if "the lie" were that she had been cheating on you all through your marriage, ok, yes, that would detract and being this upset is reasonable. But if "the lie" were that she said she grew up in Pittsburgh, but she really grew up in Detroit...well, does that really affect the life you've had together? No, it doesn't. So, yes, it hurts that she lied, but you get over it.
I hope that made sense.
MY bad the lie was that her biggest love test question was she hated me groping her from the start of our relationship its what i did and she kept it bottled up for herslef and me to work i nevr thought it was an issue because its how our relkation started and she nevr mentioned it at all. if you read my reply to dawn there more info there thks loveless1.
I am not misunderstanding you. Rubbing her butt while you hug or her breast isn't sexy to her. And honestly, it probably didn't bother her the whole time, it probably only bothered her after a long time of the same thing. Just hugging her. Rubbing her back. Cuddling on the sofa. Those are probably the things that your wife considers pleasant. Its great that you still hug her, but with the undertone of rubbing her butt or the side of her breasts probably makes her more annoyed than appreciative. Not to say that every now and again you can't do it, but when its constant thats pretty annoying.
Honestly, reading your response to me kinda helps. If you were hugging her and rubbing her breasts and butt after she had the twins, I could see her building a lot of resentment from that. THAT is probably where she started disliking it. You were overbearing with it and honestly, her breasts probably seriously hurt. Your constantly hanging on her and rubbing her butt probably made her upset. And now she is having a hard time thinking of it in a good way because you did it too much then. Make any sense?
Ok, I get it now. Ok, here's the thing...honestly, I think you are making much too big a deal about this. Unless she has told you she never ever ever wants to be touched at all in any way, you're taking this too far. No woman wants to feel as though she's being fondled every time her husband hugs or kisses her. She wants to feel as though he's expressing his love for her. I understand you feel that what you do is expressing love. And to you it is; to her it isn't. This is not a marriage ending moment; this is a learn to compromise moment. Learn to hug her without the breast slide or butt rub. Let her know that this has become habit and she needs to work with you. She can/should give you gentle reminders of what she wants.
If you're not willing to compromise; if you made your decision to marry her based solely on the fact that she acted cool with you groping her...well, in my opinion, you have far bigger problems than anything she might have told you.
Did you keep "groping" her even after she mostly stopped having sex with you 5 years ago?
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveless1
MY bad the lie was that her biggest love test question was she hated me groping her from the start of our relationship its what i did and she kept it bottled up for herslef and me to work i nevr thought it was an issue because its how our relkation started and she nevr mentioned it at all. if you read my reply to dawn there more info there thks loveless1.
Did you keep "groping" her even after she mostly stopped having sex with you 5 years ago?
Yes afraid so even more so , the more she would not even initiate the more mad i was getting and when we did hug i needed to grope her more to feel any kind of connection. total vicious circle, i didnt even know it was a problem until this test.
Well, now you know the issue and the way to fix it. I still don't think it was an issue the whole time, probably only became an issue after a long period of that being the affection she got from you. I know you think it is romantic, but she doesn't at all anymore. What has she asked from you as far as touching and whatnot??
Well, now you know the issue and the way to fix it. I still don't think it was an issue the whole time, probably only became an issue after a long period of that being the affection she got from you. I know you think it is romantic, but she doesn't at all anymore. What has she asked from you as far as touching and whatnot??
Well its killing me to not give a good hug ive been miserable not being able to hold her in the old way just a reg hug seems so loveless to me and as far as this being the answer im not sure ..she thinks maybe it has caused her to fall out of love with me but still insists that she could go the rest of her life with out a man or sex. so not sure if my efforts will eventually pay off and get that in love feeling back iam slowly building a wall and i hate to but now im building resentanment this is all just ****ty....
You are both trying to meet each others needs, right?? So you have to communicate to her while she doesn't appreciate your groping, that you have a need to feel close to her and that's the only way you feel it. Maybe sit down and find a way that she can touch you that makes you feel close to her. Is there anything she can do to give you that closeness that doesn't make her feel uncomfortable??
Dawn thats a good idea and we have been talking more not sure if you read my first post here the I LOVE YOU BUT NOT IM not IN LOVE bomb she dropped on me and while the love busters test brought more to the surface iam not sure its the REASON WHY.... she still says shes not sure what she wants, she says she cant see her life with out me and i said as your husband or father of our kids? she didnt reply, shes not sure what she wants i feel its that she wants to make sure she is right on her first decision that shes not IN love her gut feeling, even though our shrink says that the IN lOVE feeling is first meeting stuff and true love is there after she says she loves me just not the same what ever that means. my father watched the kids tonight and my 1 daughter asked him for help that mommy and dad were fighting and she doesnt know what to do or how to fix it all we did in front of her was talk not a bit of yelling shes a very intouch kid, so now she sees how hard this whole thing is going to be. horrible just horrible.
Took the Love buster quiz need some advice 
all we did in front of her was talk not a bit of yelling shes a very intouch kid, so now she sees how hard this whole thing is going to be. horrible just horrible.
