casualty81

Hi, this is my first time here. I thought this was a great place to get a second opinion (or more if possible).

Here it goes.

Right now I'm living the all so common all so typical sex drought. The one where the man always gets shut down because she has a headache, she's too tired, our child (well hers from a previous relationship but I treat as my own) might hear us. Now I may sound like a the stereotypical macho man by making this comment but I really am not. I do everything in my power to make sure her needs are satisfied in everyway but it feels like she's withdawing more and more the more I try to satisfy her needs.

I cook i would say 9 meals out 10, I do most of the laundy, I do most of the house cleaning and dishes, I take care of our daughter and do so many outings with her (a heck of a lot more than her biological father), I make sure the bills are paid, I do all of the lanscaping and gardening. When I come home from a nightshift I stay up longer in the morning to make breakfast and prepare the little for daycare so she doesnt have to rush to get to work...and the list goes on. On the emotional said of her needs I always try to communicate how I feel and ask how she feels. I tell her that I love her, show her affection buy kissing her forehead, rubbing her back and caressing her, and tell her that she's beautifull and amazing and I make sure to do it everyday. I even cuddle with her while she watches her oh so captivating reality shows like "America's Next Top Model" and "The Bachelorette" to get some alone time with her (now really, I need to be a pretty alright guy to pull that off).

In return I don't need much to be happy. Just some affection and some physical intimacy. But we barely make love twice a month. 90% of the time when I try to get inimate she comes up with she too tired or not in the mood or that all that I have on my mind is sex. Well guess what it is!!!! Wanna know why? Because I never get any. But the thing is that I'm not just in it to get lucky. I need to feel that closeness that it brings, I need to feel loved other than verbally. I need something concrete to fulfill my needs of love and intimacy. Yes I'm a man but I also have needs.

When we first started we had a long distance relationship seeing each other every second weekend. Back then I had no complains. Things were perfect in everyway. We would be intimate most of the nights of the weekend that we would see each other. Six months later she moved in with me everything just vanished. I knew that things werent always gonna be that steamy but to go from that to practically having to beg to have her even touch me just baffles me.

Yes since that move there have been many changes in her life. SHe had to move from another town, she got a new job (but better than what she had), we bought a new house, she's going back to school part-time to finish her masters and we are planning our wedding. I'll admit it is a lot and I totally understand that it's probably the last thing that is on her mind. But I do everything to free up her time so that she can give me even just a half hour of lovemaking. All she does during the time that I manage to free for her is watch her shows. It's like "Hello, I'm still here and still love you very much. Did you forget about me?" But everytime I try to talk about it she gets upset so now I always feel like I'm nothing but an nuissance.

I've gone to a counsellor to try to help me and give me pointers and she told me that I should not feel like I'm I'm annoying her. That my needs of intimacy have to be fulfilled just like her needs have to be. I'm pretty sure that I'm doing a pretty good job. I've tried to get her to see a counsellor as well but she never takes the initiatives to make an appointment. It makes me feel like I'm the only one working to make this relationship work. I've even read a book called "The 10 Second Kiss" to try and rekindle the spark. It says that fitting a 10 second kiss everyday in our busy schedule should get things moving but she cant even do that. She can't even kiss me for a lousy 10 seconds because she's too busy.

We are planning to get married within 3 months but I have troubles picturing myself for 50 years of almost sexless life. Are we making a mistake? I really do love her with all of my heart but lately I feel like its a oneway relationship. I know that many couples are in even worse situations than us and still live a somewhat happy life but I feel like once every 2 weeks is not enough for me and I find myself getting more and more depressed with every day that goes by.

I'm really trying hard to get over this rough patch but I gotta admit it is taking its toll on me.

Am I just whining for nothing and being to needy like she says or do I have a ligitimate reason for feeling this way? Right now I just want to give her some of what she's been giving me. I feel like I should stop doing any house work, any sweet gestures or even start going out all the time to let her see what she has and how life is without me around. Is that a bad idea?

Thanks to anyone who gives me some feedback

trying2cope

I really think this is something you need to get resolved BEFORE you get married. It doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable. Sex is a very important part of the connection between a husband and wife. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend has the full grasp of how important this is to you and your marriage.

I have learned (unfortunately from my own mistakes) that men and women have different needs. I would recommend that you sit down with her and explain that this is something that needs to change for your marriage to be successful. I recommend a good counselor.

BlueCreek

To answer your last question first, Yes it is a bad idea. The whole "two wrongs do not make a right" thing. You withhold from her, she's not going to suddenly "see your point" but rather she is going to withdraw even more and be ticked off. You won't be coming from a place of trying to understand each other at that point, which is where you both need to be. It's easy to get into sort of a catch-22 scenario that runs out of control, especially when you are not married yet and it is much easier to back out than really work on things.

It is important to realize that if she otherwise is kind and good to you, that her lack of desire most likely has absolutely nothing to do at all with her love for you. She probably loves you very much, but since sex doesn't do anything for her and is not at all tied to her happiness, she just can't comprehend that it does for you. I mean, how stupid is that? What should sex have to do with emotional happiness? I'm plenty happy and I don't need sex, our love has so much more than that! Well....for many people it has A LOT to do with our happiness.

I can certainly say that I sympathize and that I have been there myself. I went through a couple 6 month droughts with my wife in between when we got engaged and were actually married, and many more since then until my wife finally "got it." What makes it frustrating for many is not that the spouse has that much less of a desire/libido, but that s/he often don't see it as an issue, but as their partner's problem, so they don't make any effort to change or compromise. And that's not an insult to you because she probably loves you, but simply does not comprehend how much your emotional needs depend on your physical ones. For the person with the low desire (man or woman) they do not need it to be happy or satisfied with the marriage, and often see the sex more as an "itch" the other person needs to scratch every now and then. The way they can see it, having their partner feel sex is so important almost trivializes their love. They often don't realize how much our happiness and sanity are wrapped into the feeling of being loved that nothing can give us quite like physical intimacy. I spent years dropping hints to my wife about it's importance to me, getting mad every six months or so, pointing out how many weeks/months/whatever it had been since the last time we made love, getting all depressed and withdrawn at times, remarking on "averages" I read now and then, none of which ever made a difference. Oh sure, she'd feel guilty for a month or two here and there after I tried to talk with her about it, but then it always reverted to same old same old. She has always showered me with love, she just never understood that as much as she loved me in her ways, her physical rejections negated almost all of it. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate them, but they were all over shadowed by the needs that weren't being met.

It wasn't until a while back I sat her down late one night after our two boys were in bed and told her flat out that I was unhappy and had been unhappy for much of the time we'd been together and things needed to change. I didn't threaten divorce, I was adamant that I would never leave her, but I let her know I had been hiding my unhappiness for years and that wasn't helpful for any of us anymore. It was like a sucker punch to her gut, her words. Until that night, she had never understood that even with all the ways she showed me her love, that it had not been enough for me. That there was simply nothing that could replace the emotional need I had for the physical intimacy I had been missing for years. It took that for her to realize that it was "our" problem and not "mine" to deal with as an "over sexed man." Once she truly understood its importance to me, it became a priority for her to do what she could to change things.

I can tell you this, until your gf gets it. Until she really understands why it is important and how your happiness depends on it, she'll never compromise with your needs, at least not permanently. I imagine you're kind of like me. You do everything you can to make your partner happy, but you NEED something different than she does. You make an issue about the sex, and you try and explain it, but it just feels like it falls on deaf ears even though you know your partner loves you and appreciates you. But it will start to affect you, eventually, no matter how strong your morals, it will start to affect you. You cannot last in a relationship for life when your most important base need for feeling loved is not given to you, no matter how many other ways your partner does love you.

I lasted seven years, being as good a husband as I could even though I was lonely, rejected and sad inside. I used to lie in bed awake almost every single night wondering why the hell the woman next to me didn't want me even remotely they way I wanted her. But I really wish I hadn't. I had a couple huge fights with my wife early on over sex that completely drained my desire to talk with her about it, but I wish I had learned a long time ago how to properly discuss with her the importance of making love to her was for me. I have just the marriage I want now, but gave up far more years than I needed to avoiding or attempting to address the issue incorrectly. It wasn't easy for her, and there were things I needed to change and compromises I needed to make as well, but it had a happy ending and I hope yours does too.

casualty81

That's what's even more frustrating. I have told her how I felt. We sat down many times and discussed the problem. I told her that I don't feel loved when she goes almost a month without touching me. I feel rejected, neglected and like she's not into me anymore. She does tell me that she loves me and that she appreciates what I do for her but that my sex drive is just way higher than hers. She knows howimportant it is to me but she just can't take the extra steps to try make things happen.
You know, I may try to approach her to often but I feel its because she doesnt do it enough. When its been a week I get a little antsy and I'll try to see if she wants to. But it seems that the right celestial bodies have to be properly aligned for her to be in the mood.
Like I said, I do go the extra mile to do most of the housework for her to have some time to dedicate to me. I am trying my hardest to be understanding of her side but its as if she doesn't see mine at all. She basically says "Don't bug me and I'll eventually get in the mood with time". I can wait for a while but she could go a month without making any advances. I just figure that I should maybe remind her that I'm still here and waiting and I still want her. Everytime I do its "I'm putting to much pressure on her". So how am I supposed to let her know that I'm in need of some physical closeness then???
I don't know anymore. I feel so sad inside all the time. I just feel like I'm always on the verge of crying because I feel so rejected. Like I'm not attractive enough for her anymore. I even lost almost 25 pounds to try to be more attractive for her. Not that I was overweight. I had small college beer belly. Its neerly all gone now but that hasnt made any difference.

I understand that things change with time, that the spark of the first few months would diminish with time. But it shouldn't be that drastic and not before even being married. I love her so much and I want her to be the mother of my children but how are we gonna even have children if we almost have a sexless relationship (isnt a sexless marriage when it only happens once a month or less) because thats basically what we have. Its sad because I'm only 26.

How else am I supposed to make her understand if I already talk to her about it and she can't see how important it is to me?

BlueCreek

Man, I feel for you I really do. Reading your post is like looking in a mirror. I did all those same things with the same results. You know the definition of insanity though, don't you? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I can't count the times I told my wife how important it was to me, how rejected and lonely I felt. And I can't count the times I heard "you can't expect it to always be like it was in the beginning" or "the more you talk about it the less I want to do it." She knew it was important to me, but she just could not see sex as anything but an itch I needed to scratch and she couldn't help it if she didn't feel up to it.

For me I think what helped change her was the fact that I said flat out she hadn't met my emotional need for years and that I was miserable for so long just shocked her (I'm not quite sure why, like I said, I'd talked it over with her enough times.) But for whatever the reason, that was the catalyst I used to get her to read a couple of books that really helped open her up further to understand the importance of it in our marriage and that she needed to make a change for us no matter what. I don't think it is possible for her to understand why it is important to me, she just can't "feel" it, but she can accept that it is critical to my happiness and our marriage.

I'm not a fan of the old ultimatum, but unless you want to go through a lifetime of your emotional needs not being met, I do feel like you need to let her know in no uncertain terms right now that she needs to open her ears and listen with her heart to what you are saying. I still say she doesn't get it, if she did really understand, she would know that your happiness would depend on her making the effort.

She needs to see that it's not about anything physical. It is about emotion and people have different emotional needs. She needs to accept that your love life is every bit as important to your happiness as you treating her and her child with respect is to her. People are different, people require different expressions of love to be fulfilled and it's not a guy/girl thing. Different isn't wrong, it isn't incompatible, it's just different. And each of you need to understand what is most important to each other to feel loved and make it it priority of your life together to make each other happy how the other needs it most. She may do a dozen things to show you her love in her way through out the week, but if what you need most is ignored for weeks on end, you still end up feeling unloved and unwanted. If she knows that your emotional happiness and sanity are depending of a fulfilling love life yet is unwilling to compromise in any way, then you unfortunately might have your answer on what to do right there. Take it from a man who has been there, it is hard shaking off the rejection and hurt year after year and as strong as you are, it filters down into affecting your marriage no matter how committed you are and how much you love your fiance/wife.

The other thing that is important to understand is that for people with lower libido, desire is about being "in the mood" first. Hence the laundry list of requirements that need to be met before being "in the mood" and "possibly" being ready to try something. It has to be a non-work or non-school night, the kid has to have been bed on time, she has to have had a relaxing non stressed day, you have to have been actively wooing her all week and slowly building the interest all day, you have to have talked a bit first and there can't be anything left undone by the end of the day to take her mind away....and on and on. In the end there are so many rules that have to be met first to even allow for a chance for "the mood" to occur that it rarely does. Yet often when such people are able to finally start making love, they find their desire is right there. The trick for people like that is not to wait for the mood to drive the intimacy, but just make the effort to start being intimate and let that drive and build the desire and mood. Make a plan and stick to it regardless and with out fail. As my wife continued to make more and more time for us in bed, the easier she found it for her to set aside all the thousand things crowding her head and relax and eventually look forward to it.

When there is such a large disparity with ANY two emotional needs between two people it really is important for each to work hard to understand and compromise. If you can't, you can still make a marriage work, but it won't be near as strong and equal a marriage as it could be and for the one that is feeling like something major is lacking...resentment, frustration, and hurt seeps in deep and is hard to shake.

draconis

I think you really need to get these issues resolved before you get married.

How old are the both of you?

When the sex was great did she have her child around?

draconis

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AZMOMOFTWO

I think that there may be more going on. Maybe she is not happy with herself for some reason. When you don't feel good about yourself its hard to think about sex. Or could there be a physical problem she is too embarrassed to talk about? I do think you need to resolve these issues before getting married or it will not last. Ask her what she is feeling, try not to put her on the defensive (about what she's not doing) but just asked her "You don't seem like yourself and I am concerned. Let's talk about it". Make sure neither of you have to rush off to work and your child is occupied so you have the time to talk. How about taking her out on a date, to dinner and find a place to just talk. Don't bring up the lack of sex when you have just been turned down, pick a neutral time. I think the lack of sex is only part of it, its the symptom so don't make it the issue and that might keep her off the defensive. Maybe when she opens up you can then discuss sex but obviously something is going on with her that she needs to open up to you. Hopefully that helps...just from a woman's prospective this is what I would hope for.

MrJoshua

Just wanted to mention that I've been married for 7 years with a similar problem. I believe that it's very important that you resolve and compromise before venturing further into your relationship or at least try to. It will only become more difficult for you the longer you leave it. Trust me I know. Your comments here have actually inspired me to talk things over with my wife to try and better our relationship. Best of luck.

casualty81

Yeah, we met and she already had her daughter.

casualty81

We had a talk the other night and we decided to postpone the wedding until next year. It was pretty hard to swallow. It really felt like a failure on my part somehow. I dont really know why. It just was pretty painfull.
I just got in contact with a counsellor, were supposed to get an appointment. She says she wants to work on things. SHe doesn't blame me for the situation. She basically says that it is a clash of personnality between us. Where she's more independant than me. She always had long distance relationships before and this is her first one living with her boyfriend full time. She says she needs getting used to and has to work on issues that have affected her in the past.
We'll see what happens, I'll keep in touch with any updates

casualty81

Well, the pain will be over soon. She told me that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore, that she can't even stand feeling me touching her. So after purchasing our first house only 3 months ago, something that should bring a couple closer together, she wants to call it quits. After I gave it all I had to try and rekindle the flame its still not enough. I tried everything. I got flowers, prepared romantic chocolate fondue when she got home, breakfast in bed, changed the way I acted just to name a few its still a dead end. I hope for the rest of you guys trying to patch things up with your loved one will have better luck than me.

I lost the person I thought was my best friend and confidant, my reason for getting up in the morning and living. Not only do I lose her I also lose the cutest, sweetest most smartest little thing on this earth. She's not my true blood but I really hoped that she would call me dad one day. Now I will never see her again and I can't do a damn thing about it because she's not mydaughter. I don't know whats gonna happen now. Where do I go now? I really thought she was my soulmate. It's really hard to imagine that true love forever really does exist. It hurts so bad.

Best of luck to all of yous. Thanks for listening. I guess I won't need anymore love advices for a while. Thanks again

BlueCreek

I'm sorry, mate, I really am. It really does sound like you did everything that you could. It won't make you feel any better, but at least you know you tried your best. For whatever reason she could not respond in kind. I wish you the best of luck in the coming days, weeks, and months, and hope you do find a woman who can offer you the same sort of love and commitment you are so obviously capable of giving.

Triton

I feel for ya ! I would not get married -run for the " High Ground ". You are doing all you can do . Let some other guy deal with it. I know I love intimacy . And the thought of only about twice a month would drive me insane. Let someone else deal with with her.I have been married for 16 years.

MrJoshua

I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you two. I know that there's nothing that I can really say to make you feel any better, but just keep in mind that it's better to have happen now, then in another 5-10 years time. Hang in there mate things will turn around in time. I know it's probably a long shot, but maybe in a while you and her can become friends and you can still keep in touch with her daughter.

AZMOMOFTWO

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I really don't know what to say that will help at all. You have a lot to give, and I really hope you find someone else who will receive what you have to give as a gift and respond in kind.