Life After Prison - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-20-2010, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Life After Prison

My fiance and i started dating in july of 2008. Everything moved real fast and i was living with him by sept of 2008 and engaged by jan of 2009. Well at the end of feb 2009 he went to prison on a probation violation. At first I thought that it was going to be a couple of months but he ended up staying in prison for 16 months. This man was the love of my life before he went to prison so i figured i'd wait. In the meantime I lived in his house, took care of his daughter often, checked on his grandmother and visited him 45 minutes away 3 times a week. Also, i was no angel. I did have relations with someone for a few months while my fiance was away in prison. I did end up ending this relationship and letting my fiance know what had happen and he forgave me. We jan 2010 we knew that he would be coming home soon, just not sure when. He started talking about having his grandmother move in with us to help with his daughter and mine while we worked and he hated that she lived alone. I stated to him that i would like some time for us to get to know each other again and rekindle things as i thought it was going to be a rough adjustment. He agreed to wait 3 or 4 months after he came home to invite her to live with us so i figured it would give us time to talk about the pros and cons and discuss things. Well 2 days later (in jan before he was even home) she called to say people were on their way to deliver to belongings and she was moving in. He went ahead and asked her to move in without my knowledge. So i lived with his grandmother until july 2010 until he came home. Now it is August 2010 and i am miserable! I feel like nothing is back to normal. I don't know if it is just that him and i have changed and we are different people, if its cause his grandmother lives with us (and is very controling and nosey) or if it is I have resent for him leaving, i have resent for him making such a huge decision without me or if he resents me for cheating. I just don't know what to do anymore. He has taken all my money, debit cards ect saying i dont know how to save money. Now he has his car back. So basically i have nothing and no way to get anything and i feel stuck. I just don't know what to do anymore. I put a lot of time and effort in this relationship. HELP! Any comments or anyone else been through this?

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-20-2010, 08:18 PM
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Re: Life After Prison

Well, I've never been through this, so I can't really say for sure. But, I would say it's a combination of everything. I know my boyfriend was an otr truck driver when we met. He's about to go back to it, and when he does it, he is gone 2-3 weeks at a time and home for 2-4 days. There is always a small period of adjustment for us when he gets home, having to get used to each other again. So, I would imagine for you two, being separated for over a year, there would be that same period of adjustment, only bigger. And then adding to that another person living in the home, and therefore kind of being involved in your relationship, and all kinds of other normal stress, I can see it leading to problems.

The question is whether these problems can be fixed. You can't fix them until you pinpoint exactly what the problems are. That's the hardest part. You have to figure out exactly what is making you so miserable. Is it that he's taking control of the finances? And if it is, why is that making you so miserable? Are you offended because you handled them all this time and now he's acting like you're an idiot? Does it bother you that he's right that you can't handle money? You have to look at all the different things going on right now, and figure out which of those things are really bothering you and which ones are a "and then there's" kind of thing (meaning that it's something that you just add on because there's already so much and that's just one more little thing that's bugging you.)

I have to be honest (and I hate to say this, because I feel like a hypocrite since my boyfriend and I talked about moving in together 3 weeks after we got together and then did it about 2 months after we got together), you were not together very long before you moved in together. And you hadn't been together much longer when he went to prison. I think it's entirely possible that you two are just not compatible, and that him being in prison only prolonged the inevitable break up that would have happened anyway. You don't really mention how your relationship was when he went to prison. But even if you two were still blissfully in love and happy, you could have been in the honeymoon phase still, and eventually that would have worn off and you might have realized that you two just weren't meant to be together.

It's only been (you don't say when in July he came home) a month, a month and a half at most, since he got home. After so long apart, I don't think that's long enough to have fully adjusted to being back together. I'd give it a little more time, but while doing so, talk to him about how you're feeling.

If things aren't any better by....I don't know, say the end of September or sometime in October, then I'd give some serious consideration to whether you two are actually compatible together.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-22-2010, 06:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Prison

You are very right. He is VERY controlling even though he constantly tells me i know where the door is, but he knows that i have no where to go and nothing to take. He has me very dependent on him! I just dont know what to do anymore~!
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