Help! I want to save this marriage

AZMOMOFTWO · 06-30-2008, 02:10 PM

I have been married for 17 years and I just learned our marriage is in trouble....it has been for a couple of years but I was blissfully unaware. We have two kids and they take a lot of our time as we have them in multiple sports/activites. My husband is an excellent father and the kids love him dearly. One night I brought up something that he was doing to let him know it bothered me and this began a discussion that is still so surreal. He said that something is missing in our relationship and he doesn't want to go on this way. Stunned I asked if he wantd a separation and he said "I don't think that is a good idea". We talked for awhile, no accusations just pure honestly and the issues is that he doesn't know the issue just said something is missing. He recently hit 40 and he looks great, looks much younger that his age. I look younger than my age too but not in as good of shape. I've always meant to get back in shape after having children but never had time. This bothers him. Also I've spent way too much time at work and when I am home I am often working. His business had slowed and I took on more work to ensure we met our financial obligations and it took me away from my family. I became short-tempered with the kids and there was a lot of yelling. But he'd always say that despite the fact that we are having trouble with the kids right now we were good with each other. He also felt that I needed to help more in the morning to get the kids off to school. I told him he was right and I do love my family and will do what it takes to fix it. I've turned things around so fast it has surprised me. I know get up bright and early start with a work out, changed my diet (and everyone else's) dropped 25% of my goal weight in the first week and still going strong. I not only got the kids ready for their summer activities/daycare every day but picked them up as well. But mostly I changed my attitude to a positive/happy one. Things seemed to improve...but being someone who needs to know where he is at I think I pushed him to talk about it too much as things were going so much better and then when I brought it up again he now seems depressed. He told me he is trying to just not check out and not try....he also admits that he knows he will not feel differently in such a short time but sees the big changes and its in the right direction. He really doesn't want to consider counseling. He has a tough time with talking about his feelings and I think he's done about as much of that for right now as he can handle its more important I think to figure out how to reconnect and get that special connection between us back and focus on the future. Any ideas on how we reconnect? I am still very deeply in love with him and really want to save this marriage!

brenda · 06-30-2008, 02:30 PM

It sounds as though you had gotten into a depressed state also. I'm happy to hear that you are working out, and taking a more positive attitude towards life. You need to do that for everyone involved (you, the kids, and husband) In order for you and your husband to reconnect you guys need to have some alone time. Having two working parents, money problems, and kids in sports etc. puts a lot of stress on a relationship, it feels like your always running in a rat race. You need to make time for everyone to relax and be happy. You need to have days for you, him, your family, and a date night. I read a quote on one of the discussions in this forum "it's all about balance" I am currently trying to use this statement to improve my own relationship. You need to have a healthy balance for everyone. Does he have a night out with the guys once in a while, and you with your girls? Do you have a few planned family events, and a night where the two of you can enjoy each others company and reconnect? That's a good healthy balance!!

AZMOMOFTWO · 06-30-2008, 03:05 PM

Brenda,
Thank you. YES!!! We do need all of that. I have a hobby that I enjoy so I go out sometimes...maybe once every 2 months but have sometimes taken trips with these ladies too so I feel I do have me time...maybe not lately but usually. But he does not ever do guys night out. I need to suggest that to him. He did just join a soccer league and I think that's good it will be him time. I've planned a few family events too even a vacation which he seemed to perk up about. Date night, yeah we have never done that but I think I will surprise him, arrange a sitter, and have a night all planned. We also had a bad habit of letting the kids stay up too late...just us being busy and I think that put a strain because by the time they went to bed we really didn't get any time to unwind. I've put a strict bedtime rule in place even here in the summer.

BlueCreek · 06-30-2008, 04:07 PM

If he is depressed, he will need to come up with things that make him happy, so good ideas. However, the disconnect between the two of you will not be solved through that. You are already on the right track. Dates, lots of them, regardless of the babysitter cost, at least once a week. Definitely plan for some time every single night after the kids go to bed just for the two of you. I do not think you two need a counselor yet. He has opened up with you some, he will some more, and you yourself are committed. You need to keep getting him opened up though. Tell him you will listen openly and honestly to anything he wants to say and needs to feel. Say you won't judge any of his emotions but will use them to help both of you figure out how to grow your marriage. Just let him know you want him to be happy and are willing to do whatever that will take for both of your sakes, but that you are not a mind reader and need him to tell you what he really needs.

crusader · 06-30-2008, 04:12 PM

I think you are on the right track with those suggestions. He needs guys time and the soccer thing will give him that opportunity to just laugh and have fun with the guys. Family events are great and obviously are a must so that is a good step. Date night, this type of thing has reinvigorated my personal relationship with my wife (we have 4 kids). It starts off with an email and/or phone call and basically one of us asks the other out on a date. Now this can be either an at home thing or getting a sitter and going out for dinner and a night on the town. I actually tackle it like when we were first dating or newlyweds and plan a nice dinner together, maybe a movie, take her for ice cream or just getting her some flowers and some wine and watching a movie together. This has also led to more spontaneous romance which is always a plus for a relationship. Take care of each other and the rest of the family business will fall into place. Just do spontaneous things like this out of the blue from time to time and it keeps exitement in a marriage. And always keep the positive attitude, you won't believe how contagious that is for a house. Give it some more time and keep up with the improvements that you've made because it sounds like you're heading into the right direction. Best of luck to you.

AZMOMOFTWO · 06-30-2008, 04:42 PM

Thank you. I will try to get him to open up and I keep hearing dates! How dumb do I feel in 17 years of marriage we've never done that. We've gone to parties we were invited to that sort of thing but never planned a date night. I know he is careful about saying things as he does try to spare my feelings. Its bothered him for awhile I really have never change my hairstyle in ...I don't know how long. Well tomorrow that will change. Anyway he finally mentioned it but very carefully. Thanks for your advice.

AZMOMOFTWO · 06-30-2008, 04:48 PM

Crusader,
Thanks for your reply and encouragement. In fact you've given me a great idea. I'll pick a night and arrange a sitter and text him asking him out but being mysterious about where we will go. I've got a great place too, its a go-kart track he's always wanted to go to. Movies just seem so routine but this will be completely different something new. I think if I start this habit of doing that he will pick up on it. I know a positive attitude is contagious. I think a negative one was also contagious and started all of this. I got overwhelmed due to some health issues with one of our kids about 2 years ago and managing the care, working, running kids around to activities, managing a business, and my own full time job. But the health issue is manageable now, I've made some changes with work to free up time and cut back a little on kid's activities so I'm balancing the schedule more and taking on more for him. He's actually a very thoughtful person, he's taken the burden off of me so many times. I think I took it for granted ....

crusader · 06-30-2008, 07:22 PM

The go kart idea is a great plan. When he gives you a big hug that night and a nice kiss you'll know it was all worth it. I wish you the best and have fun!!! It sounds like you're turning things around from a couple years ago and that's great, the important things are that we realize the problems and correct them one small step at a time which it looks like you're doing right now. Just one last thing, when I'm in a bad and/or negative mood I try and find a quiet place and close my eyes for a minute and think of something that makes me smile. Just that one minute helps turn things around for me for that time period. Anyways, I hope the date helps you two become closer.

AZMOMOFTWO · 07-01-2008, 02:47 PM

Crusader,
Thanks very much your advice has been so helpful. I think what you said about fixing one small step at a time is important to remember. I want to fix it all in one day! We did have a very good night last night, we play softball together and we went out after with friends to eat. It was like old times and he was laughing and playing with the kids like I haven't seen in a few weeks. Then I realized, I always knew how to make him laugh but I haven't lately. So I am going to bring the fun and laughter back, I know it will be contagious. I am concerned though that he does seem to have some signs of depression. Could that be physcial? When we first discussed these issues and he thought something was missing I asked if it could be within him and he said that was possible but had no answers. I look back over the last couple of years and think that we have had some very good times and some wonderful memories so this seems to be an up and down thing. I know my own mood accounts for it. Having felt overwhelmed myself perhaps my mood was contagious. Anyway, today I definately feel we are on the right road. Last night I said to him that I wanted to make him happy and he said that I did and seemed to really mean it.

draconis · 07-01-2008, 05:26 PM

One thing that I found that was important to my marriage was the fact that my wife and I still "date" once a week. It has been a real blessing and has kept us connected.

draconis

AZMOMOFTWO · 07-01-2008, 09:13 PM

Draconis,
Thanks, that seems to be the most consistent thing that comes up and really we've not done that. We do have a date Sunday night. I texted him and asked him out and its a surprise so now he is wondering. I think this is a good habit we need to develop and make it a regular thing.

stumped · 07-02-2008, 12:13 PM

I have been trying to come up with a way to get my hubby to go on a date...and a good date idea...other than dinner and a movie its kinda hard!

Good luck.....our situations seem to have some similarities..keep us posted how everything goes!

AZMOMOFTWO · 07-02-2008, 12:33 PM

I will definately keep you all posted. Everyone here has been a lifeline. We have family plans for Saturday and he was invited for a guys night out which I am encouraging him to go on. I told him we could do our plans in the day and he could go out that eve. He said he might go. I texted him to ask him out Sunday its a surprise. Its actually going go-karting then to dinner at one of our favorite casual restaurants. I thought it would be fun to do something for just plain fun like that. I've also thought about going some place to listen to live music outside, only place I can think of there is Starbucks...I think just finding something non-routine is good. I'm starting with things we both like to do. Part of the fun though is its a surprise to him. He was all for it. The best part is its just the two of us.

blackeyedsusan37 · 07-06-2008, 08:12 AM

Stumped,
I am in the same boat. Google your area for free activities and events. I live in a small town and was surprised when I did it, I found a local winery and we are going there this afternoon.
Good luck