maple05

Ok- here's where it stands. My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. We've really had our issues. My biggest issue was really making my own way and being able to put her and our marriage first, and being able to make decisions without thinking about what mom and dad would think, etc. We struggled with that a long while. Her issues is that she can be neurotically particular about cleanliness, avoidance of chemicals, health hazards, etc. She claimed our first time was the most unromantic ever because she felt pressured. I got frustrated and upset that she wasn't ready to have sex (she asked me to have an HIV screen). Her previous other two partners were a virgin and a police officer who got regular testing.

But we have a little girl who's 2 years old and we love our time with her and we love our time together. Sex has waned a little as is probably normal but is now up to around 1-2 times a week, and we are ok with that. We love spending time around each other! We love our little family and we have committed to making things right again. She had issues with her parents, very serious issues, but it just seems like she can manage them better and when they sense our marriage in trouble, they back off.

We have had some nagging issues, in particular the last 2 years.
-I found out I had a chronic illness which is on most days hardly noticeable, and doesn't really affect us too much. However, I stressed and stressed and put a lot of negative emotions on her and she was almost at the breaking point

-after this, I had immense stress at my work which also put a lot of negative emotions back on her

-Sex was not very regular or non-existent during these 2 years

About 3 or 4 months ago, I found out (after she left her facebook page open) that she had been in conversation with an old boyfriend (who is also married) and he as much as admitted he still has feelings for her, and she had asked him to meet alone. When confronted about this, she was upset and said, "look, I just needed an out. I needed someone to talk to, I needed someone to connect with. I have never met with him, and would never meet with him, he's an idiot, he was then and he is now. In reality, he probably saved out marriage. It was just unending stress over your parents, your health, and your work for the past 5 years." The look in her eye, the conviction with which she spoke, and realizing all we had been through, made me believe her. She was mad at what I had put her and our family though.

But, she will only spend limited amounts of time with my side of the family and I am on eggshells when they are around. They claim they really try to connect with her, and she claims they don't like her. They are in reality, really helpful with helping us with things, and they want our marriage to work, but they just want to spend more time with us and their granddaughter. She won't let them babysit because she doesn't trust them to be safe, and this is a duty she leaves to her parents and her parents only. They now only stay with us a Christmas. As soon as I mention their names she shudders. I am an only child, from a small town, and just don't what to do.

I am thinking she will be more open to a lot of things if our 'emotional bank account' fills back up. We need to work on us. Sex is not that irregular. It seems like when things are going well for us, and it's just us enjoying life, sex is very regular (1-2 times a week or more).

What does everyone think of this.

greeneyeddolphin

I think, if you had issues in the past with putting her ahead of your parents, and had trouble getting past that, she probably is trying to keep some distance because she wants to prevent that situation from happening again. Parents can sometimes be a bit...I don't know that overbearing is quite the right word, but it's the one that comes to mind right now. And sometimes, as their kids, we don't always see what they doing. Perhaps she sees something that you don't; maybe you should ask her.

In fact, I recommend that you do ask her. Ask her if there's a reason why she tries to limit the time spent with your family. Ask her why she feels that your family wouldn't keep your daughter safe. It could be that she has valid reasons that you don't see; it could be that she's being over the top. Either way, by discussing it, you may be able to resolve it.

The ex-boyfriend is another issue. But, if she's never given you a reason not to trust her, and you believe what she said now, then I would let it go.

One thing I want to say, and it has nothing to do with your problems (or at least, I don't think it does), but you mentioned it and I feel the urge to say this: you seem upset that she asked you to have an HIV screen. In truth, I respect her for that. In today's age, you have to be cautious and some women still feel that they can't ask a man to do that...some men feel that way too. Honestly, I think you should look at that as a positive, that she cared enough about her health to want you to be tested first.

maple05

Well, as for the ex-boyfriend, it was all just so secretive and sneaky, almost totally "affair material". I didn't think you did that in a marriage, and I didn't think she would. She changed her facebook password around the time she was emailing him and asking him to meet alone...it all just kind of shocks me. But again, she said she felt unhappy coming home to me.

I just really believe her. I just have that feeling from the way she responded and acted.

Chris Taylor

When you get to where she is, you need to talk to someone. it helped me to talk to friends, if only to hear myself reason with the issues. But I didn't discuss personal things about my wife to others and I think her discussing your marriage issues (if she did) with an ex is out of line.