The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

Hello; wow, I am super frustrated...going to vent here if you folks don't mind.

about a month ago, my wife tells me she is super unhappy with me. She pretty voiced she is not happy with almost every attribute about me, except i'm a great father.

She says she does not know if she's in love with me anymore, and wants us to see other people. at first i agree out of confusion, then a couple weeks later I tell her no way.

Then a couple weeks later she tells me she has been facebooking\talking\txting an old boyfriend, which started a couple months ago.

I'm thinking ok, the complaints she has about me are all regular problems people go through within a 10 year marriage, but throw in an ex-boyfriend and all the sudden these complains about me are really excuses to get away...hmmmmm.

So we go to counseling and on the first session we establish that we need to spend more quality time together, and the counselor says she needs to stop chatting with her x boyfriend.

i felt things were looking better after the first session, and then when we meet the counselor again, she admits she is still facebooking the dude.

When I attempt to find out what exactly she wants to do, she says she doesn't know, and needs time.

This is killing me because i don't want to just give up.

1/24/2014 10:22AM UPDATE

I confronted her last night. basically said that it's not going to work out if you keep talking with your x-boyfriend.

Her behavior is inappropriate and as much as I was trying to ignore it; I don't want to end up despising her. so yeah, I did not want to have it drag on anymore.

in the end, she said she didn't feel the same about us; and wants to be single.

but basically she is not willing to cooperate and give us another fair shot (by not talking with her x). she keeps bringing up past events and details that upset her...which feels like reasons to distance herself from me.

So now we are discussing terms of separation. *sigh

1/28/2014 10:00AM Update:

So I mentioned that I'm not moving out, and we have pretty much talked about her moving out.

I just now read up a little on the 180 no mr nice guy. pretty slick set of rules. will tighten up my behavior based on the guide(s).

since the talk last week where I was set on separating she is now "confused". and is apparently doing some soul searching.

All the meantime, I have started sleeping in another room, and we have broken up the week where she has our daughter half the week and I the other.

it's weird because she still sets up lunches and dinner outings, and all I can think about right now is running away from her as far as possible.

the question is, should I set a timeline for her to vacate the house? example: suggest to her that she has a month to be confused, and then she either needs to be on my team or start actively looking for a place to stay?

Last edited by Kazama; 01-28-2014 at 09:58 AM.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

I would tell her "You are welcome to an open relationship, but not one that includes me."

If she says yes, that's what she wants, she was already out the door and there was nothing you can do. At least you've preserved some self-respect. Agreeing to what she wants is a trap.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

It's clear she's not going to give up the EA she's having. That leaves you and what is in your control.

I know you don't want to give up, so continue the counseling to help you to make clear choices. She really needs an ultimatum, but lean on the advice of the counselor before doing that.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

Open relationships don't work when they start out from a baseline of problems. Then, they are usually just bridges to finding someone new to replace you. Only when the relationship is strong and secure and communication is excellent do open relationships stand a good chance of success - and both have to be fully on board with the choice.

I think you can demand that she make a choice to work on the marriage, including MC, else you will file for divorce. That may provide the leverage and incentive to work on the problems and resolve them - one way or another. If she doesn't agree, or doens't fulfill her commitments, file - you can always withdraw it if/when she comes around.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

You need to insist that she go no contact with this ex boyfriend.

It was the boyfriend that got her in that position in the first place.
She contacted him long before you found actually found out.
You cannot solve a problem doing the same thing that got you int that problem in the first place.

Tell her it's either the boyfriend goes or she goes , but you aren't prepared to sleep with her and her boyfriend.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

Go for it.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

Read the threads of Bagdon and GutPunch.

Don't talk to your wife about anything except your kids and the bills. Be polite. Give off a cheerful vibe. You are going to survive and flourish without her.

Pick up standard divorce papers and see if you can work out a settlement for divorce without wasting a lot of money on lawyers.

Go to the gym and get in super shape. Change your haircut. Get some smart duds.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

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Originally Posted by Caribbean Man View Post
You need to insist that she go no contact with this ex boyfriend.

It was the boyfriend that got her in that position in the first place.
She contacted him long before you found actually found out.
You cannot solve a problem doing the same thing that got you int that problem in the first place.

Tell her it's either the boyfriend goes or she goes , but you aren't prepared to sleep with her and her boyfriend.
My eyes got as big as saucers.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
Read the threads of Bagdon and GutPunch.

Don't talk to your wife about anything except your kids and the bills. Be polite. Give off a cheerful vibe. You are going to survive and flourish without her.
Don't force the vibe. Just do your 180 and add some things in your life that are very fun for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
Pick up standard divorce papers and see if you can work out a settlement for divorce without wasting a lot of money on lawyers.

Go to the gym and get in super shape. Change your haircut. Get some smart duds.
These last items will let you feel better about yourself.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

It sounds like she wants out and in order to save face is putting it all on you, making it seem that you are lacking in some way gives her an easy reason for connecting with an old boyfriend. Cheating is just around the corner unless of course she can get your permission by agreeing to the "open relationship". DON'T do it! Show her the door. She'll soon find that the grass isn't always greener, and when she does it'll be too late.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

I think between that couple of weeks of you agreeing to her proposition and then the regret of doing so, your wife may have escalated her affair.

She wants your permission to have this other relationship, and it will give her a clear conscience if you are having a fling too.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

what's crazy is that this dude is in a city that's 5 hours away, and he's tied to the city because he's divorced and has a kid there as well.

my best assesment is that I think she's going through some mid-life crisis.
Would really hate to give her an ultimatum right in this state, as she will likely choose freedom (in my best assessment).
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

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what's crazy is that this dude is in a city that's 5 hours away, and he's tied to the city because he's divorced and has a kid there as well.

my best assesment is that I think she's going through some mid-life crisis.
Would really hate to give her an ultimatum right in this state, as she will likely choose freedom (in my best assessment).
Why would that be a bad thing? It could be the best thing that will happen to you for the rest of your life!
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

Let's put it this way: ultimatum = 50/50 she walks.
No ultimatum = 95/5 she cheats.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:27 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: The wife wants to have an "open relationship"...

I wonder how she'd feel if you had a chance at some other woman?

I've seen a number of stories on here where one spouse has their eye on somebody and wants the other spouses permission. As soon as the boot is on the other foot it doesn't seem so much fun.

She is having or will have a PA with this ex boyfriend and merely wants a rubber stamp to ease her conscience.
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