I know I'm breaking no new ground here but the source of my problem is differing sex drives...I want it it more than she does. Nothing new in marriages or on forums like this. But, the initial problems has become compounded in my search for solutions.
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, lived together for about 5 years prior to that as well. That we have differing sex drives is something that we were both well aware of since the beginning of our relationship. For much of the relationship, we have been able to deal with it in constructive ways. However, since he have had children (I'm also a stay at home dad) it has become not so easily resolved when it pops up and is getting progressively worse.
In the past, we have always been able to negotiate some sort of middle ground...which I have been very happy to do and I always thought she was happy with it...since she agreed for the most part. however we have reached a point now where she is completely unwilling to compromise and/or seems to clearly have no intent to stick to any agreement we might make. In other words it seems like anything she says or does is simply in some effort to just "shut me up" for a little while. Recently, when I've tried to raise the sex issue she has become almost combative. Suddenly, all of our marital problems have become my fault and she has no responsibility for anything. In our last discussion, she told me the following, most of which have nothing to do on the surface with our sex life:
1) She is unhappy with the circumstances surrounding our engagement. Back when we were dating I cheated on her once and she feels like I only proposed to her after that because I thought I was going to lose her. Of course that was true to some extent. I was also a younger guy that did something really stupid and foolish and decided that I needed to fix my behavior. I decided that I was an idiot and that I needed to grow up and let her know that I needed to wise up and realized that she and only she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So now, 13 years later this has become a reason she isn't interested in having sex with me? Doesn't seem like she's fighting fair....and if it was that big a problem, I'm not sure I remember holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say yes.
2) I never married her in the church! Again, this was never an expressed issue before as neither us are very religious. (I have since suggested that we renew our vows in a church ceremony)
3) Sometimes when she comes home the kids act up a little and seek her attention. This is my fault because I don't pay enough attention to them. Not sure I see the logic there.
Clearly, we need counseling, which she seems more than willing to do and I definitely want to do. But if she continues the attitude in counseling that she takes with me....not willing to find common ground, hold events of 13 years ago over my head and so on, no amount of counseling will do us any good I fear. I am more and more frequently considering divorce, especially if it seems that she will continue to not budge on any issue that comes up in our relationship. So, I'm not so much looking for a solution (I really hope we can get that taken care of in counseling) but was just hoping to hear the thoughts and experiences of others. Thanks!
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, lived together for about 5 years prior to that as well. That we have differing sex drives is something that we were both well aware of since the beginning of our relationship. For much of the relationship, we have been able to deal with it in constructive ways. However, since he have had children (I'm also a stay at home dad) it has become not so easily resolved when it pops up and is getting progressively worse.
In the past, we have always been able to negotiate some sort of middle ground...which I have been very happy to do and I always thought she was happy with it...since she agreed for the most part. however we have reached a point now where she is completely unwilling to compromise and/or seems to clearly have no intent to stick to any agreement we might make. In other words it seems like anything she says or does is simply in some effort to just "shut me up" for a little while. Recently, when I've tried to raise the sex issue she has become almost combative. Suddenly, all of our marital problems have become my fault and she has no responsibility for anything. In our last discussion, she told me the following, most of which have nothing to do on the surface with our sex life:
1) She is unhappy with the circumstances surrounding our engagement. Back when we were dating I cheated on her once and she feels like I only proposed to her after that because I thought I was going to lose her. Of course that was true to some extent. I was also a younger guy that did something really stupid and foolish and decided that I needed to fix my behavior. I decided that I was an idiot and that I needed to grow up and let her know that I needed to wise up and realized that she and only she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So now, 13 years later this has become a reason she isn't interested in having sex with me? Doesn't seem like she's fighting fair....and if it was that big a problem, I'm not sure I remember holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say yes.
2) I never married her in the church! Again, this was never an expressed issue before as neither us are very religious. (I have since suggested that we renew our vows in a church ceremony)
3) Sometimes when she comes home the kids act up a little and seek her attention. This is my fault because I don't pay enough attention to them. Not sure I see the logic there.
Clearly, we need counseling, which she seems more than willing to do and I definitely want to do. But if she continues the attitude in counseling that she takes with me....not willing to find common ground, hold events of 13 years ago over my head and so on, no amount of counseling will do us any good I fear. I am more and more frequently considering divorce, especially if it seems that she will continue to not budge on any issue that comes up in our relationship. So, I'm not so much looking for a solution (I really hope we can get that taken care of in counseling) but was just hoping to hear the thoughts and experiences of others. Thanks!