??hurt 4 The Last Time??

iheartmywife · 07-02-2008, 02:31 PM

for those that know me. I'm back. my last post was about what to get my wonderful wife for our second anniversary. well I must of been a fool.
I sat her down a couple of weeks ago and told her she had to decide what she want. me or the other guy. I told her that I was ready to leave. she decided that she was going to choose me. GREAT. so we then decide that we need our own place. so we started looking and found an apartment. everything was going great. we were going on vacation the 16th to dominican republic to celebrate our anniversary.
we have been startin to buy stuff for the apartment and move some stuff in. we even put money down on a bed set and we bought a mattress. we then went to ikea and decided on the dishes living room stuff and just about everything in the house.
so things were going great. we were supose to be going to counseling with my pastor this sunday. this was something she wanted. we both did.
then something told me to go online and check her textin. it was high as hell. so I asked her if she was still talkin to him. she said no. lies. when your with someone long enough u no when they are lyin. so I press her bout it and she admits it. I told her that what she is doing is wrong. all she's doing is hurtin me. then she continues by saying that I'm a good person and that she cares about me and she got love for me. again a lie. she doesn't have love for me she loves me. she later admitted it. she then says she doesn't no what she wants but she doesn't wanna hurt me. now I'm left with a very expensive vacation and our first place. what am I to do? please help me.
I am honestly lost. i no I love her but love is not enough. I want my wife back. she made me think it was my fault when it first happened. I've lost weight over this. just when I thought I was happy I get thrown for a loop.
HELP PLEASE

AZMOMOFTWO · 07-02-2008, 03:12 PM

If she is not willing to leave this guy then you really have no chance to work it out. It sounds like there is a lot of suspicion (and justified) but you can't build a relationship on that. What does she say she wants now, you or him. Or is it a case of wanting both? Maybe if you went on the vacation together no other interferences you could know that and so will she one way or the other. Either your relationship will be rekindled or you will know that it can't be. Love is not enough if its one sided, but if she does love you then you have to start to build that trust. I think saying "I don't want to hurt you" is a real cop out. When someone says that its because they are hurting you and want to relieve some guilt. I am sorry it sounds like you are putting in 100% and not getting a lot back.

BlueCreek · 07-02-2008, 04:52 PM

Agreed. Not to be harsh when I know you must be going through hell, but either she cuts lose completely and refuses to ever talk to the guy again or it's over. Really, force her to make that decision once and for all. She's trying to play it both ways and it's up to you to put your foot down and tell her to make the choice and commit one way or the other. She either loves you or the other person, and if she truly is in love with both of you and can't decide, then just leave. Forget the material issues, they are not a factor. You can't live that way, always wondering if she is talking to or even thinking about another man will eat you inside. And even if she does tell you she will commit, think long and hard about what you need from her to rebuild the trust since she's already lied to you about her choice once. Good luck.

pinkprincess · 07-02-2008, 09:26 PM

wow.
First of all sorry to hear this , i can only imagine what it is like for u at the moment.
I guess she has to sit down and work out who she really wants "i dont know" is not the answer because its not her thats getting hurt, (although she may claim she is, she is def not as it is her choice to be doing this and obviously has forgotten her wedding vows). She cant have it both ways so you def need to make her make the desision , her marriage or this fling she is having and stick to her choice and cut ALL ties FOREVER with the other gue if thats what she choses... how many times has she been back to this gue...

draconis · 07-02-2008, 10:26 PM

Love needs to be a two way street and if she isn't willing to put 100% into the marriage then there is something wrong. Her emotional affair take away time and energy that she can be putting into yours.

draconis

iheartmywife · 07-03-2008, 02:27 AM

thank you guys for everything. she has told me that she loves me but the what ifs with this guy is keeping her around. she says she is letting me go. i dont get it. she is leaving me for someone she isnt sure about. this guy reminds me of who i was before i met my wife. my wife is a smart woman but the things she does are very stupid. this man has a woman who he lives with. i told her that he will never leave what he has for her. there is a reason that she is still staying with him. as a man i know if i dont want a woman living with me she would be gone or i would be. y would a woman stoop to being the other woman in hopes of hopefully one day being the main woman. to give up what u know u have for something that your not sure u will get just kills me. what would make someone give up thier marraige for something they are not even sure about. it just makes no sense to me.
then she tells me that she is afraid everyone my family and hers will hate her for what she did. now i know her mom will be really disappointed with her for it. her mom went through the same thing with her father. she has never forgiven him for it. up until now. her grandmother is going to really flip. and so will her sisters. on my side the only person i told is my lil sis. u bet she doesnt like what she is doing. i am on the wall about telling my mom seeing as i will have no choice but to move back in with her. my wife decided that she will be moving into OUR apartment. feels like she twists the knife a lil deeper everytime i think about that.
then she tells me that she wants to go to church with me on sunday go talk to the pastor for some counseling. what i dont get is if your willing to drop me y would you do counseling with me. it is like im dealing with two people. my wife and someone else.
i am completely lost. i love my wife to death. what is a sad thing is if somewhere down the line WHEN it doesnt work out with the guy and she wants me back i know i will take her back.
ive sat at my computer crying for the past half hour. asking God to change the situation that im in. I believe with counseling and her fully understanding the meaning of family and marraige we can get through this. but for now im going to give her what she wants. her space.

iheartmywife · 07-03-2008, 04:27 AM

well if that wasnt bad enough. i wasnt thinking about it before but if we get divorced im really screwed. u c im an immigrant and i have a conditional residence. meaning that we have to be married and stay married for three years before i could go for my citizenship. that means that if things really go bad i will have to most likely leave my mother and my sister up here and go back home.
i am honestly afraid of what is coming. i dont want to divorce. and its not even so i could stay in the u.s. its because i love my wife. i honestly dont think she knows that if she leaves me what will happen.

draconis · 07-03-2008, 11:45 PM

You are better off without her, however I see why you want to stay married. You have problems both ways.

draconis