sarah1971

I have been dating Jo for 5 yrs and we plan on getting married this summer but have a "few" worries and don't know if its just me being over sensitive. Lets start with his "good" points

1. Has a good job with great work ethics.
2. Wonderful to his mom/ with close family
3. My heart melts when I see how much he loves his son(from his 1st marrage) and what a wonderful dad he is.
4. Does not drink/party/or do drugs/smoke
5. Jo is the type that helps old ladies across the street or would feed a stary dog.
6.Handsome and smart women tell me all the time how lucky I am
Now the bad...

1. He cheated on his 1st wife,left her for the "GF" then cheated on the GF with someone else.No "proof" that he cheated on me BUT I have my suspicions..
2. Has a temper(only with me) never hit me but has yelled,swore and threatens to leave me when ever we fight.
3. Sneaky and lies..has a my space page and classmates page with NO photos of me.When asked why he got defensive and rather than put a photo up of me he deleted his accounts.
4. Asked me to pay off his 30k debt from his divorce(yes I had the money but feel he should not ask his GF to pay his divorce debt)
5. Has a controlling,in your face, exwife that uses their son as bait to get everthing she wants from him and does(the reason he was in debt)

So what do you guys think is it me?

michzz

Let's see. anger issues, money issues, serial cheater, a liar, and he may have cheated on you already.

Are you really wanting to marry him at this point?

All those good points you list? That is how people should act. It is the baseline of good people. it should not seem unusual to behave decently or to earn brownie points for it.


I think you do have some kind of connection to him and like to be needed. However, I get the impression from the small amount you wrote that he takes advantage of you financially at the very least, and if he is already cheating (as is his pattern), you are in for a world of hurt.

GAsoccerman

did you ever hear of a Snake oil Salesman???

Deejo

Well, if you choose to dive in - you are doing so with eyes-wide-open.

I am familiar with a man whom everyone thinks is absolutely charming, and a sweetheart. What they don't know, is that his only reason at all for behaving in a 'positive' manner around others - is to fulfill his own means and ends. He is a self-absorbed, selfish, SOB. Any relationship that he has, or forges, completely revolves around how it can benefit him. He isn't evil, he doesn't set out to hurt anyone, but he is a taker, not a giver. If he does give, it's because there is a bigger payoff for him personally in doing so. He simply isn't what most people perceive him to be.

If you feel that you have a handle on who your fiance truly is - and can live with that, then go for it.

If you have any delusions about changing who he is after marriage, you will eventually end up very disappointed, and hurt.

BlueCreek

I think you should be getting the point by now on what people here think. But to answer your question: No, your worries are valid and it's not just you.

Pro/Con lists are good and all to help make important decisions, but when the con list has those sorts of issues...tread with caution. I've known men like that. They have a whole act that they portrait in public that draws people to them and puffs up their own self image as being a great guy. But behind closed doors they show who they really are, completely self-absorbed.

You're pro list is full of stuff relating to others: work, family, son, strangers...

You're con list is full of stuff that concerns YOU: temper, sneaky, lying, tendency to cheat, money pressure...

You don't marry someone for how they are with others or in public, your marry them for how they are with you in private. You have at least been with him for 5 years, that's a long time to date and so you've probably had a chance to see all sides of him and know what you are getting into. As Deejo said, you aren't going to change him. You have to think hard about all those negatives, picture dealing with them the rest of your life, and then decide if you are up to that or not. Some people are. Some people are just too worried about being alone and finding someone else, that they can live with the negatives. The question is, are you ok living your life with those sorts of issues?

stumped

I agree you need to decided what you can live with. If things are bothering you now they are only going to get worse as time goes on and the issues continue.

sarah1971

I guess because he is so "wonderful" to everyone else it makes me wonder if its me.I also think if i just hold out a little longer he will treat me the way he treats others. Except for the "cheating " part he was a great husband his ex-inlaws even told me so. 6 yrs after his divorce his exwife is still bitter and jealous of me and would take him back in a heart beat if he would have her. Even the GF that he left his wife for(then dumped 7 mons later) still has a intrest(if u saw her my space page u would know what I mean)Both are attractive,successful, and confident and would never have a hard time finding a great man. I just can't understand why he treated them like "gold" and me like "copper"

TheLuckiest08

NO. If he was going to treat you well he'd be treating you well now, and it sounds like he isn't. I suspect you have some self-esteem issues to even make that statement or be with a guy with those types of bad qualities!!

And, yes, those bad qualities you listed totally overshadow the good ones you mentioned.

Get out while you can, IMO.

ceejay

Please get out now. You are being used and abused and it won't get better once you are married, it will only get worse. All of the signs are there now. Don't judge him on how he appears to treat others, go only on how he treats you and he does not treat you very well at all. It is not your responsibility to pay his debts and I find it alarming that he is asking you to pay his debts. From the information you posted your relationship is based on lies and deceit. Don't make the mistake so many of us have made...the signs are there, please listen to them.