A little advice please - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 12:47 AM Thread Starter
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A little advice please

Hallo. I'm new here and have lurked around a bit. Please bear with me and would be glad for some advice. Thank you.

Married for 4 years. Husband is a wonderful man in all aspects and loves me.
Now for the problem. I have always been "childfree" in my views. I have communicated this well before marriage and hubby was in agreement with it. Its 4 years down the road and a lot of pressure and questions from his traditional parents and relatives are pouring in. He asked me for an opinion and I still told him I did not want children. He started becoming moody I noticed and kept repeatedly pointing out that motherhood is one of the gifts of a woman. Again, I stress he isn't asking me to do anything against my feelings or of the sort.
In a moment of weakness and severe stress I agreed and got pregnant. I hated every moment of it and underwent an abortion. Simple reason- if a child is unwanted by its own mother then that is I think the worst reason to give birth.

He again kept asking me for opinions down the line repeatedly and I told him in anger once that I had told him prior to getting married I would not on any condition have children.
He now latches onto that word and keeps saying I do not know what love is, I'm running away from my responsibilities and that he never expected me to place conditions and bonds before him. We have to take life as it comes. He says that I'm worse than a prostitute. He keeps having sex with me but he refuses to "e******te". I do not know what this is and sex has become something I am beginning to detest. He says that I am not keeping up a "husband-wife" relationship because I have no idea what that means. So we are just living as "friends" "f***k buddies".

I feel terrible in this situation. He isn't unkind to me and every other aspect of life is peaceful. It's unbelievable but we actually laugh, have good times, work well together except for this one issue.
I love him a lot and support him in each endeavour of life which I'm not mentioning. Trust me, I really do.

Do I really not know what love is? I feel very sad looking at him like this. I don't really know whose fault this is. I have been so clear but its also true that we cannot predict everything in life.

So I told him, I would have a child and I would find it in my heart somewhere to be a good mother. I know I can do that. But he refuses saying that I've broken his heart by behaving in such an uncouth manner. He cannot dream of doing anything with me. I know he loves me because he doesn't want to make me suffer either by forcing me into something I do not want. I have talked about ending the relationship but he doesn't want that either.

Either way I find myself at the crossroads. I do not want him to suffer, neither do I want to suffer . Is it still worth salvaging this thing we have? Hearing how terrible I am for maybe 4 days in a week and the rest of the time being hunky dory?

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-04-2014, 06:14 AM
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Re: A little advice please

Sounds like you need some counseling to help you figure it out.

This portion of the forum isn't going to elicit many responses, as it is more of a review of self- help books etc.

He may never get over your having aborted your first child together.
Sounds like this may be the crux of everything.

Even though you were upfront from the beginning saying you didn't want children, He probably thought that as you grew older, you would decide you wanted kids. And then you got pregnant, then aborted him/her.
Did he have any say in that? He may feel that he didn't, and looks at you (especially with traditional parents & other family members pushing for offspring) as though you killed his kid.
Even if you both agreed (at the time) that abortion was the decision, he could still be holding deep resentment.

Again, counseling is in order to help you decide what you should do to make your life a happy one. If he really wants kids, then perhaps it is better for you to let go and move on so he can find someone to make a family with. He might not ever be able to forgive you for what you did, even if it were a mutual decision. And, if you feel any grief or remorse for aborting the pregnancy, counseling will help you go through these issues and be able to move on.

(I'm pro-choice, I'm not trying to bash you for your decision...just trying to give some insight as to maybe his point of view)
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-04-2014, 06:19 AM
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Re: A little advice please

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Originally Posted by fedora View Post
He says that I'm worse than a prostitute. He keeps having sex with me but he refuses to "e******te".

I feel terrible in this situation. He isn't unkind to me and every other aspect of life is peaceful.
Wow. Really?

Your husband is acting like a jackass. This may be one of those "dealbreaker" things.

I cannot imagine anything worse in the world than having a child when you do not want one.

Also, you may want to get this thread moved to the "General Relationships" section so that you can get more responses.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-05-2014, 06:10 AM
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Re: A little advice please

I agree with JB.

Your husband is hardly a sweetheart, he's breaking you down and insulting you for having your own individual thoughts and feelings in life. If you don't want kids, DO NOT HAVE KIDS! Seriously.

Having kids solves nothing, it will not change anyone's behavior and you (this is not an insult to you by any means) will not magically become a 'great mother'. Everyone has the ability to yes, but if you don't want children there is nothing wrong with it.

Here's the sad thing out of what I read though; you say he's a great guy, but he's essentially bashing you for having your own outlook on life because it doesn't go along with his. He is insulting you and belittling you, this type of behavior will happen again down the line and instead of viewing that ... you're questioning yourself? Please, have a little more self worth.

The reality is, husbands and wives can come and go but children are forever. Some people make great spouses and don't want to be parents. Some people want to be parents but make bad spouses.

JB is right, there are dealbreakers in relationships. Even 5 or 10 years into a marriage. While a healthy marriage is full of compromises here and there from both members, sacrifices should not be one of them.

Especially to a man who can compare you to a prostitute one minute and then crack a joke the next.

-= Tough Times Never Last But Tough People Do =-
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-05-2014, 01:07 PM
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Re: A little advice please

I can imagine how much pain this is causing both of you. It sounds to me like your willingness to have his child is important to him. He might want to know that you "love him enough" to want to keep his genes alive in this world after he's gone.

He acted in very ugly ways toward you, though. You say this is the only area where he hasn't treated you well, and I will take you on faith here, but I find a HUGE discrepancy between a man acting loving in every way and then calling his wife "worse than a prostitute." I feel like there's something important missing.

Did he know you had that abortion? Is *this* what his comment is about?

In any case, it sounds like he is accepting now that you do not want to have children, but the issue is still a conflict for you.

I would encourage both of you to talk openly and lovingly about what's important. Is it more important to have a child or a relationship? Does having a child have important meaning to one of you, and why? Does NOT having a child have important meaning in other ways?

My daughter swore she would never have a child. She relented to pressure from her husband and his family. She now has a daughter and she is a wonderful parent and would not have it any other way. I say this because what you want today may not be what you want later if you find out that having a child would mean a lot to you, to him, or to both of you.

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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-05-2014, 01:54 PM
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Re: A little advice please

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Originally Posted by fedora View Post
Hearing how terrible I am for maybe 4 days in a week and the rest of the time being hunky dory?
Umm, hmmm --- ???

You've done the math on this, right? You realize that you are told how awful you are more than half the time? Even if was only one day a week, that is still too much!!

At this point, be grateful you do not have children. DO. NOT. GET. PREGNANT!

I am childless by choice. Hubby knew this before he married me. A little while into our marriage I thought I was pregnant. Cried all the way to the pregnancy test section of the pharmacy and until 5 minutes after peeing on a stick. It was negative. I was happy, he was not. Game over. We divorced because we couldn't agree on the single most important decision a husband and wife must face.

I know people always say that once you have a child of your own you will feel differently and blah blah blah but do you really want to take that chance? And do you really want to take that chance with a guy like your husband?

And who cares if your husband doesn't want to end the relationship? Is he the only one that has a say? If it is what YOU want, then do it.

If you want to separate, you can.
If you don't want a child, then don't.
If you want to stay in a marriage that is good 3 days out of 7, then have at it.

You have choices too. That's all I'm sayin'.

When I get a firm grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-05-2014, 02:00 PM
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Re: A little advice please

I don't think this is worth counseling, except maybe to ease a transition to separation. It seems pretty clear that you don't want kids and you haven't changed your mind, and that kids are essential to him. Even without him being a jerk about it to boot, I would say that's reason enough to separate.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-06-2014, 07:00 AM
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Re: A little advice please

OP hasn't been on since original post. Jan 29 and after midnight.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-06-2014, 07:05 AM
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Re: A little advice please

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OP hasn't been on since original post. Jan 29 and after midnight.
She may be busy procreating.

When I get a firm grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-07-2014, 05:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A little advice please

First off a deep deep deeeeeep apology for not replying.
Second thank you so much all of you!!!
I lurked around a few days after posting (in the wrong place! ) and didn't get any response. Went into a depressive phase and decided to make arrangements to leave for good. I'm so glad I did not lose faith!


@ Unique Username : He probably thought that as you grew older, you would decide you wanted kids.
Exactly right!
He knows that I have aborted. No, he isn't giving me grief for that. He always claims that he misunderstood that I meant I was on my safe period. 4 years.. not a mishap with our method of contraception. I do not know whether he really misunderstood. He told me after the kit came positive that it would be my decision. But he did say that his parents and relatives would be overjoyed. I went to the medical facility and had the abortion. He didnt say anything.
His main contention is that I told him I made "a bond?" for marriage which he never imagined I could do. He came unconditionally into the marriage with love. I don't really get how that deserves calling me all those names and sexually being passive aggressive and trying to me feel worthless.
I love children ! But right now I don't have and neither have had a desire.I am childfree today and I was yesterday. I don't know the future but it's very important to me that I don't want to do something under pressure rather than really desiring one. If a child is born I promise you I will look after him/her to the best I can but I cannot look at them in the eyes and tell them ever that; " yes dear I wanted you or perhaps I want you."

@ Unique Username : OP hasn't been on since original post.
Depressed Sorryyy...

@Jellybeans :I cannot imagine anything worse in the world than having a child when you do not want one.
So perfectly put.

@ 06Daddio08 :Please, have a little more self worth.
You know that's the kick I need. I went into depression because I was so sad I couldnt find responses here. It was my fault that I posted in the wrong place but it shouldn't be an excuse to feel so low. But I'm glad I came back to check and found all of you!!!!

@ FrenchFry : Thank you!!

@KathyBatesel : it sounds like he is accepting now that you do not want to have children, but the issue is still a conflict for you.I would encourage both of you to talk openly and lovingly about what's important. Is it more important to have a child or a relationship?
You are right where the relationship is now. I went through the process of making him understand that I love him deeply and I would do the best I can think of for him. But that could not happen if we both were something so diametrically opposite to a very important belief. But he doesn't want to leave me. He is trying to make me comfortable during intimacy but somehow I'm scarred inside . I'm not able to reciprocate love after all the hate. And I can't find it in my heart to trust either. He is now trying to make arrangements for us to get jobs and go to a more cosmopolitan city where the family pressure would be lesser. But in periods of anger he still abuses me pretty bad. During the other times he goes out of his way to take care of me.

@IrishGirlVA: Game over.
I really admire you! I wish the society I lived in was more westernised too. They bring us women up here with codependent personalities. But I have already started putting my papers in order so that I can leave in a gentle manner if necessary.
@ IrishGirlVA : She may be busy procreating.
EEKKkk noooo!.. apologies from the bottom of my heart.

@ John Lee : jerk about it to boot
You made me smile. No! that's just the thing. He isn't a "desperately wanting" a kid kind of person either. I understand the societal pressure gets to him. But abuse ? . You say you love me and if you disagree with me you load hate? I really haven't spoken a single word of hate against him. I am missing something somewhere.

Soooo.!! Thank you. All of you. Really. That's all I can honestly say. If you have some other ideas or kicks for me I would be most glad too.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-10-2014, 04:43 PM
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Re: A little advice please

Did you talk to him about having an abortion before you did it? Did he know you were going to have an abortion? If not, there's your problem right there.

If not, I'd go ahead and call it a day, he's not likely going to get past that.
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