Hopeful1

My husband of 6 years and I just starting counseling. We had our second session yesterday. The reason for the counseling is that he feels that, due to years of my choosing work over him and my family and a handful of other issues, that his passion for me is gone and he's not sure he wants to stay married anymore. He agreed to marriage counseling and to give it some time to see if he can re-ignite his feelings for me again. In the meantime, I'm working on making him and our son a priority -- stopping work at 6pm each night, not talking about work at home, etc.

In session yesterday, he said he thinks he needs some space for now. He's OK with approaching me on his terms, when he feels like it, for a tickle and a flirt. But he told that counselor that he thinks he wants to be left alone for a while. Not to be separated, or have one of us leave the house, or never be together, but he just needs some "space."

I know it's a strange question, but HOW do I do that exactly???

I was raised in a traditional household where my mom stayed home and my dad came home at the same time each night and they had their routine. To this day, they don't have individual things they do -- they do things together. It's what I'm used to and it's how this marriage has been going so far. So I'm not sure HOW to give someone space... it feels very foreign.

Additionally, it feels so counter-intuitive. With my husband saying that he feels like we're more roommates than anything, that he doesn't feel any passion toward me, and that he's felt ignored and second-fiddle to my job for years, it feels so counter-productive to not be together so that I can make him and this family my priority for good.

Any advice on this? I want to respect his wishes, and my head understands that this is probably smart, but my heart is having an absolute panic attack....

unbelievable

You are only half of this equation. You independently chose to basically abandon him for quite some time and did, ignoring the consequences and pain that caused him. Now, you expect him to immediately respond favorably now that you are back from your sabbatical. Maybe he's angry and hurt, still. Maybe he's afraid that you'll take another prolonged vacation when it suits your purposes. It's absolutely great that you acknowledge your part of the problem and want to change, but the damage wasn't done overnight and it won't be corrected overnight. I don't know how long he was neglected but you have been married 6 years. He's apparently displayed great patience. You may need to do the same.
If you feel some small sense of separation and rejection, imagine what he has been feeling all this time.

Hopeful1

I agree 100%. Although my efforts toward my job were solely focused on increasing our household income to get us out of the poor house, I neglected the people who are most important to me. And I know he's angry, resentful and, maybe, ready to throw in the towel, despite my efforts.

My question was truly a "HOW" question... I honestly don't know how to give space and am seeking advice. It's not something I'm accustomed to, nor something I was raised with. I WANT to respect his needs and am seeking advice as to how to do this without pushing him away further. Does this mean simply co-existing in the house without acknowledging each other? Or not inviting him to join me for activities? Or...?

As I said, I realize it sounds strange, but I'm honestly just trying to learn a new skill here so that I can be a better wife.

Advice? Maybe those of you who need/like space can help me to learn with some suggestions?

greeneyeddolphin

Ask him what he means. Needing space is different for different people. He can best tell you what he wants you to do. Just explain what you told us, that you want to respect his needs but you're not sure how. He'll be able to guide you.

Hopeful1

I asked him what he meant by "space" and he said he didn't know...he just knows he needs "some" right now. He doesn't want to move out or want me leaving, so I'm trying to figure out what space means when we're here together having to do normal family life. I'm trying to not ask too much of him on a day to day basis, so maybe that's a start?

unbelievable

I'd use actions rather than words to show him that he was valued. Trying to discuss the relationship might not work as well as fixing him a great meal and maybe rubbing his shoulders or bringing him a cup of coffee or a beer. Sometimes, just an admiring look or sweet word means a lot. Start off kind of subtle and you can turn up the heat as he grows reaccustomed to being in a loving relationship. He may have been living as a quasi-bachelor for a while and reestablishing intimacy with you might feel a little awkward to him right now. Everyone loves a thoughtful word, a great meal, or a comforting touch. I guess you're just gonna have to court this guy all over again. That probably was fun the first time and it might be even better the second.

Hopeful1

Unbelievable,

Thanks for the great advice and unique viewpoint. You're right... talking is NOT something he necessarily wants to do. The fact that he's agreed to counseling and actually talked during these 2 sessions means a lot to me. I'll try to put my instinct to analyze and talk on hold while "doing" more for now. But while also trying to give him space. That's where I have a tough time, but I'll keep the "court him all over again" idea in the front of my thoughts. I love that concept -- and it will help me from scrutinizing and panicking over every little thing.

stumpjumper

Sounds to me like you may have inadvertently taken the wind from his sails. I can almost guarantee you he grew up in a traditional environment, as "Old Fashioned" as that may sound. Even today, "In The Modern World" a lot of men still feel this way. Call it Tribal Instinct or whatever, to him it may seem like a roll reversal.

Now there is nothing wrong with anyone taking on the challenge of achieving there goals in life, what ever they may be. But there is something wrong with misplaced priorities. And the day you said "I DO" was a message to him that he, and your relationship was the number one priority in your life.

What he may have seen/felt was that you placed him, and your relationship, on the the back-burner while you set off on your next conquest. A conquest you have justified, in your mind, as to keep all of you out of the poor house, which only added fuel to the flames of inadequacy that may be burning in his mind. And it is the concerns of what he needs, or has requested, that sparked you to seek advice.

So lets define "Space" in the context of a relationship,I will give a few examples.

• Pride
• Affiliation
• Alone time
• Independence
• Individualism
• Self-Expression
• Self-Confidence
• Self-Achievement
• Personal Fulfillment
• Satisfaction With Self
• Control Of Own Life

Again, maybe in his mind, you have deprived, or taken from him some or all of these things. And to ask him what he means by space, may just be somewhere he doesn't want to go with you because he doesn't want you to know what you've achieved in your life affected him that deep. Assuming he knows himself, because he may not actually realize it himself, if that makes any sense. It's sometimes hard for men to understand why they may feel a certain way, let alone explain it to someone else. But, he did say he needed space.

Well, you can give that to him fairly easy, and it might even be fun too. For starters;

• Recognition: Show him recognition for any achievements, no matter how small. This will help with his sense of pride, self-confidence, self-achievement and satisfaction with self.
  
• Being Well Thought Of: There is nothing more fulfilling than to have your spouse think very highly of you, and to know how important you are to them.
  
• Respect: Something I believe is earned, not demanded. And I think, from your story, he showed you respect by waiting in the shadows while you were on your personal journey, or conquest, to achieve your goals.

Then comes the fun part;

• Affection
• Romance
• Companionship
• Communication
• Sexual Satisfaction
• Sensual Experience

All these things are essential elements to any happy relationship. But the most important thing to remember, is to make, cherish, protect and defend, your relationship with him the number one priority over all things. Even kids, or family.

If you can set this as your goal, you can achieve it, just as your did your other.

Remove The Wedge....
Make The Pledge!

It will be fun and very fulfilling.

Chow for Now, And Good Luck
Stumpjumper

Brewster 59

Am I reading this right? If you are choosing work over him he should have plenty of space. I would think he would want more together time. So when you have time together do you smother him?

I really dont know but to me this seems to be a maninuplative tactic, are you sure this isnt him trying to be in control?

MEM11363

Before this meltdown, who initiated sex most of the time? What was the typical response to a request for sex? Was it real/engaged sex or mercy sex - or even worse directly saying "can you make it quick" sex?

WHY does he feel so ignored?

Hopeful1

Stumpjumper, thank you for the detailed information. I am doing all of the things you suggested and more to let him know that I'm a changed person and will do EVERYTHING to prove it to him moving forward.

Brewster 59, yes, I think he's seeking space because he had started to make up his mind that the marriage was over and then started seeing drastic changes in me. Of course, when he finally vocalized his unhappiness to me, I knew my life had to change in a huge way. We started counseling (only 2 visits so far), which he agreed to, but I think his space is so that he can figure out which way he wants to go -- stay or leave. I also think he's trying to understand, and learn to trust, that my actions and change of focus are permanent. And, yes, I think he's also trying to take control, maybe feeling that now the ball's in his court.

MEM11363, Typically he initiated sex in the past. My response would vary depending on my exhaustion level. Sometimes, I just didn't have the capacity to do more than go to bed after a 12-15 hour workday. We would have sex, sometimes good, sometimes OK, but it certainly wasn't enough. I really was in a depressing work situation for so many years and I know that my sex drive was affected. I've taken steps in the past couple of months to "find myself" again and now have renewed vigor for my sexual appetite. It's stronger now than it's ever been! But maybe it's also very foreign to him now...

I truly appreciate all of your responses!