[Chris H.]

Many of our visitors arrive here because they are in troubled relationships and looking for help. While it's clear from our guidelines that Talk About Marriage is not a "dating" website, it's human nature to form relationships with others in times of need. After all, that's why we're here - for support.

I'm starting this thread so we can have a discussion on boundaries, what's healthy and what's not. In particular, how we manage our relationships that develop on the forums when we have a significant other.

What are "boundaries," some may ask?

To put it simple, I would say that boundaries are how close you allow other people to get to you, either physically or emotionally. Here are some other good boundary explanations I found on Coping.org

• Emotional and physical space between you and another person.
• Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.
• Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
• Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
• Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
• Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically, and/or sexually abused.
• Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
• Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.
• Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness, and autonomy in the process.
• Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel, or act.
• Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

Maintaining appropriate boundaries can mean the difference between a healthy relationship and a destructive one. Here are some good questions to ask ourselves:

• When we begin to build online relationships, how much information is it "ok" to disclose with another person?
• What would our spouse or significant other think about the amount of information we are disclosing?
• What would the implications be if they were to find out?
• Are my feelings about this online relationship becoming stronger than other "friendships?"
• Is this relationship more likely to help, or do harm to my marriage?

Not all people will respect our boundaries. When we say "no," or "I'm not comfortable with this," do they respect that communication, or do they continue to push our boundaries? If they continue to overstep boundaries we set, perhaps we should discontinue communication with that individual?

Did you know the forums have an "ignore" feature? It can be accessed by going to "User CP" > "Buddy / Ignore Lists." Once you add a username to your ignore list you will no longer see that person's posts or receive messages from that person.

Everyone's situation is different, so I can't assume that what works best for me will work well for everyone else. For me, I let my wife know what's going on in my friendships online, just as I do those in the rest of my life. We talk about the different websites we visit and why we go there, and the rule of thumb I use about communication boundaries is that I don't write anything I wouldn't be comfortable with her or others seeing.

Am I perfect? Far from it. There were times in my life that I know I had very poor boundaries. It made for some difficult relationships and painful experiences in my younger days. Thankfully, my boundary setting has been much better in the past 8 or so years, and it's made all of the difference in the world.

I'd like to hear from others about boundaries in online relationships and some ways you handle them.

[Amplexor]

Originally Posted by Chris H.

[/b]Here are some good questions to ask ourselves:[list][*]When we begin to build online relationships, how much information is it "ok" to disclose with another person?[*]What would our spouse or significant other think about the amount of information we are disclosing?[*]What would the implications be if they were to find out?[*]Are my feelings about this online relationship becoming stronger than other "friendships?"[*]Is this relationship more likely to help, or do harm to my marriage?

I think these are key questions and ones everyone should ask them self when developing a friendship on line. I think the best is, what would your spouse think. And because many of us in this forum and others like it are in troubled relationships that makes us all the more susceptible to developing feelings that we shouldn’t. While texting, emails and IM all provide an efficient way to communicate and share it does not give you the full picture of the person at the other end. Phone conversations will give you some further understanding of who that person really is but unless you deal with them in person on a regular basis what do you really know about them? I think in many cases people involved in an emotional affair on line fill in the blanks with what they hope the other person is like. In many cases what they perceive is partially a fantasy of who that person really is. As such, it is hard for your spouse to “compete” with this fantasy and problems seem exacerbated for the spouse engaged in the EA. The fantasy seems to be so much better than the person they are married to. And in most cases the “fantasy” person is not going to lay out all the dirty laundry. In our case my wife knew I wouldn’t approve but she didn’t want the relationship to end. She engaged in it and let it go too far because she felt it was “safe” because he was so far away. The longer it went on, the more it pulled her from me and it magnified what she perceived as my faults. (Not that I don’t have them) An online relationship is more than an innocent distraction. It can do real harm to a marriage and all parties involved.

[draconis]

I often post just a few feet away from my wife, unless I am at work. She often asks me to read the posts and I also read how I respond to them. It is nice to have second opinions on what is going on, but also to know that I will not do anything that I might feel my wife could or would object to.

draconis

[lonelyheart]

I think it's the delusion that the online person can not see us and will listen to us without judging us.It's human to get drawn to someone especially when you are in trouble emotionally. But you are both right, one needs to be careful.Nice forum :-)

[mrs.mixedmessages]

I totally agree it's an easy out when your relationship is suffering, my hubby is in the midst of this right now please see my post any advice on what I can do to get him to be happy visiting with me rather than his new online friend

[waterfall~]

Hi everyone....I'm new here, but I've been an active member on a couple of marriage forums. I really agree with Chris about the importance of boundaries, and I've seen what can happen to online communities when they aren't well defended. Over the years, I've seen both healthy and unhealthy relationships develop between posters. You would think that on sites designed to support marriages, that affair relationships would be less likely to occur....but the truth is that we're human, and during crisis periods in our marriages....we are often the most needy. That can often lead down the "slippery slope" (ala the late Shirley Glass) where we allow our boundaries to soften and slip. I think it's really important to remember how emotionally vulnerable we are when we're disconnected from our spouses and put reasonable safeguards in place to protect ourselves and our marriages.

Some of the forums I've been to have disabled PMs for that reason....just to discourage weakened boundaries. There is an element of "accountability" when we speak publicly that is absent in PMs or private emails. I encourage everyone to be very cautious about off board communication with the opposite sex. Be open with your spouse about your online relationships. Transparent honesty is one of the best ways to protect your marriage. If everything you write, say or do, could be viewed comfortably by your spouse.....you have good marital boundaries in place. Your friends, especially opposite sex friends, should also be friends of your marriage. If you have problems in your marriage, the safest sounding boards are your same sex friends.

Secrecy is a big red flag.....if you find yourself keeping secrets from your spouse because an outside relationship would worry, anger or confuse your spouse....that's a big sign that you aren't defending good marital boundaries.

[Chris H.]

Originally Posted by waterfall~

Secrecy is a big red flag.....if you find yourself keeping secrets from your spouse because an outside relationship would worry, anger or confuse your spouse....that's a big sign that you aren't defending good marital boundaries.

Glad to have you here, waterfall~!

[waterfall~]

chris,

Thanks for the welcome. This is a nice community.

Boundaries is one of my favorite topics, and I really believe that many people innocently disregard their importance in support forums. I try to post as though my spouse could/might read it. That kind of transparency protects my marriage....and me.