when do you know it's truly over

slickplant35 · 07-03-2008, 12:47 PM

Sorry to start a new thread but another question.
My husband and I just do not see eye to eye.
He says I look to control him and I say if he would control his own life I wouldn't have to get involved. I have been keeping track of how are lives have been. Every arguement/disagreement is always my fault no matter if I didn't say 2 words to him. He never takes fault for anything. Last week I wrote him this big long letter and left it with his cell phone that was 8am in the morning. Never heard from him all day and then when I got home he acted like nothing was wrong. Never said a word till I mentioned something about it. He is clueless what I need and want in my life and I really want out and told him today but then after I always second guess myself and wonder if my choice is wise. I am scared and I am more afraid of being broke and can't afford to even pay attention. I know it's the right decision considering we just can't get it right. Everytime we argue he is going to try and it lasts for like 2 weeks and then he could care less again. As I get older I want someone to love me and hold me and kiss me. I mention having sex with him and he thinks it's disgusting that I talk about it. His words exactly. I can't win and I know in my heart it's over but I am scared to death. We have tried several times to make it work, but we really did come from different worlds and even though we have been together for so long I can't get past his way of thinking. He rambles on and on about nonsense and I know it's nonsense and he wants me to chime in like it could ever be real. I am not saying anybody that dreams is silly but they are not real and stop thinking they are. Sorry to sound so bithchy but I feel like I am running in circles and it will never stop. Sorry for venting

draconis · 07-03-2008, 01:36 PM

Have you tried counciling?

draconis

slickplant35 · 07-03-2008, 02:41 PM

Yes we tried counseling a few years ago. I have been to a few sessions myself and the counselor tells me I really do not need counseling which I find frustrating. I have been to 3 and they say the same. We went to one session and then he wouldn't go again, they focused alot on him and he hated it. She told him that he acts like a child and so on and he didn't want to go back. Another counselor said he needed one on one and again went a few times and then it's the same old same old again.

draconis · 07-04-2008, 12:03 AM

It is unfortunate that it really take two to make a marriage work well. Both have to be commited. If he isn't willing to give his all and can't take honest critism than that leaves you in a bind because you can get him to add to the marriage if he doesn't want to.

draconis

slickplant35 · 07-04-2008, 03:48 AM

No he doesn't want to add to the marriage. You know like every couple out there you have good and bad times. Lately they are only the bad. I can't see how he sees things like not wanting to help in supporting my daughter and I. Whatever he is doing is good enough. His business being slow and not looking elsewhere to help make our lives easier just makes me angry because there is no reason for it. I saw in alot of your postings about the kissing and just making each other feel loved and important well he never comes home and kisses me I would be lucky some days if I get a hello. He doesn't get out of the recliner long enough for anything. Flowers yeah right no flowers only when it's our anniversary and then it's not special because there is a cause for them. I may sound off the walls, but I just feel that I wasted my whole life waiting for a change how stupid was I????? He has this thing about me controlling him and acting like his mommy. Well he is so irresponsible that if I don't do certain things they wouldn't get done. Last year the Dr's thought he had bladder cancer and he had a lot of tests and was running back and forth for Dr appts and he never called and made one appt, wanted me to go to every appt I ran to every test he never complained about me being the mommy then. He complains when it doesn't suit him. I am just so tired of all of this but so scared.

studentnurse30 · 07-05-2008, 02:43 AM

Good Morning, I'm extremely new to this site I signed up a while back but have been so busy. In reading your post and your reply my heart goes out to you! It's a frustrating situation. I'm in somewhat of the same boat. In my opinion if after all these years your still running round in round in circles and feel your still getting no where and your wasting your life still and have wasted many years of your life, maybe it is time to move on, have you ever tried to write the positives and the negatives about your marriage? Like one side of the paper write the positive things about our marriage and your spouse and then on the other side write the negatives, do you feel there's things that you've not worked on that you could both work on together, or is it hopeless and you feel you know it is but are too scared to move on?! I know this feeling all to well! I've been married 10 years and I was getting ready to post something when I came across your posting, everyone tells me that change is hard and that's what I was going to say to you originally, change is scary and it is hard but we've got to try and do what is BEST For us and if you know in your heart that the counseling isn't working and he's just not getting what your trying to make work, than maybe it's time to move on and take one day at a time, focus on YOU. I'm so sorry, I wish I had better things to say, and maybe I wasn't the best for responding but at this time this is how I feel as far as if this was me kind of thing? I Hope I make sense to you. Take care and here's a hug from me! :hug:

Quote:

Originally Posted by slickplant35

No he doesn't want to add to the marriage. You know like every couple out there you have good and bad times. Lately they are only the bad. I can't see how he sees things like not wanting to help in supporting my daughter and I. Whatever he is doing is good enough. His business being slow and not looking elsewhere to help make our lives easier just makes me angry because there is no reason for it. I saw in alot of your postings about the kissing and just making each other feel loved and important well he never comes home and kisses me I would be lucky some days if I get a hello. He doesn't get out of the recliner long enough for anything. Flowers yeah right no flowers only when it's our anniversary and then it's not special because there is a cause for them. I may sound off the walls, but I just feel that I wasted my whole life waiting for a change how stupid was I????? He has this thing about me controlling him and acting like his mommy. Well he is so irresponsible that if I don't do certain things they wouldn't get done. Last year the Dr's thought he had bladder cancer and he had a lot of tests and was running back and forth for Dr appts and he never called and made one appt, wanted me to go to every appt I ran to every test he never complained about me being the mommy then. He complains when it doesn't suit him. I am just so tired of all of this but so scared.

slickplant35 · 07-05-2008, 05:16 AM

In my heart I have been down this road before and all of the promises in the world he doesn't keep. I want out I know I do but fear is keeping me here. I fear what my life will be, broke, alone and whatever else comes with it. I literally walked him through everything and we really came up in the world. He doesn't do anything for himself. He came from a very big family 1 of 21 children, his father was a drunk, his mother is a greedy selfish person and could have cared less about the children I showed him what family is and how to give and love so I thought. I have a beautiful home and lots of things I know material things but it angers me I have to walk away and let him stay here till a decision is made to sell or divorce or whatever the decisions. He doesn't see that what he does and says can't be taken back and he continues. Happiness is something that you have to make yourself and I see with him I will never be fully happy. I want a man to love and cherish me, I want to be important. I know this sounds silly but he has never even rolled over in bed to hug me or whisper to me he loves me. I can't even say he rolls over to have sex. Now god forbid I talk about sex he says it's disgusting. Oh the more I think about things I really do have a problem.

blackeyedsusan37 · 07-06-2008, 08:17 AM

I was married for the first time for 10 years. After a while, I either wanted him to die or me. Dont let your situation get there. Yes, ending a marriage is scarey and sad but you deserve to be happy and if he is not doing it for you, YOU NEED TO DO IT FOR YOU. That first step is the hardest one but along that road, you could possibly find the one thing in your life that you were missing.
My parents came to move me out, and my father wanted to drive away from the house. I know it sounds goofy but I HAD TO DRIVE AWAY. It was hard to put the car in drive and I was crying but 7 years later, I am happily married to my soul mate. Please, I beg you, dont allow yourself to miss out on life.

tahoehandyman · 07-07-2008, 08:09 PM

I can't say I don't agree with these other folks. Wich scares me because there are alot of simalaritys between my behaviors and the person you are describing. My poor wife of 6 years I feel horible and am starting to cry for you and her. I do want to change, I just never took the steps as much as my wife begged me to. It is just been sense yesterday that I am actually trying. It took her to make me move out to realize the true impact of the situation. What i'm saying is maybe thats the kick in the but he needs, move out and straighten up and then maybe you can come back! I know everyone is different. I know its scary, and I feel your pain from the side of doing similer things to my wife, except the lack of nurture, It kills me to see the hurt in her eye's. I truly hope you can figure out if you need to move on or not before it damages you. I say good luck to you. It never seems like it in the moment of pain but things always find there right place if you belive.