He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???
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Old 09-03-2010, 04:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???

My husband of 6 years says his passion for me is gone. Period. He has some trust issues with me as I've spent years focused on my job instead of my family. My "light" went on and I've made a 180 in the past month. It's only been a month, but I'm serious and diligent about keeping him and our family my priority for the rest of our lives. We've had 2 counseling sessions so far and he's willing to go. He says he's open-minded but that he doesn't know if he'll ever feel passion toward me again. Even if he learns to trust that I'm making a permanent change in my priorities, he doesn't know if he'll ever feel passion for me again. And, for him, if he doesn't find the passion for me, the marriage is over.

Any advice? I'm hoping that building trust will help him to regain passion for me again. I'm willing to listen and learn from anyone who can share... THANK YOU!
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Old 09-03-2010, 05:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???

it might be one of two things

1st People change over time, but you and your partner were supposed to make the effort to change together , Do you still take care of yourself, dress up, get your hair cut ,this will give you more confidence, also men like someone who is confident.
Go out and make an effort to do things for yourself ,at the same time give him some attention. Maybe hes missing the attention from you because you are busy with work a lot.

2nd Could it be a possibility that he messed around on you and hes leaving you as a second choice? if he cant regain he passion with you maybe he wants to move forward with someone else who may be giving him that passion... Just a thought nothing else. You may want to check his phone next time hes in the shower.texts/calls. I would seriously consider this expecially if he almost suddenly started feeling this "loss of passion" and if hes never mentioned it over a long period of time. If he was losing the passion why didnt he mention this before, why now? you would think he would have made effort to fix this befre it go to this point.
After all you are only his wife..
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Old 09-03-2010, 05:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???

Trust? Maybe. I suspect what he's feeling might be anger and resentment over being systematically rejected and ignored for a long period of time. If that's what's going on, I think going out of your way to show him that's valued, appreciated, and desired would be the right path. Taking care of yourself and getting your hair cut might help, but only if he understands you're doing it to please and excite him. Guys are pretty simple creatures. I think you'll get more impact by going to the kitchen and the bedroom than to the mall.
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Old 09-09-2010, 10:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks, Unbelievable. Yes, I agree with your assessment, based on his words (when he can muster them) and actions. I'm keeping up with my efforts -- not only because he deserves them but because they make me happy to make him happy. Yes, I've got a lot of time to make up for, and hope that I can reignite the passion with him. We're taking baby steps right now, and I know that I'm bound to face a few setbacks as he struggles to trust that this turnaround in our marriage is real and permanent. But he's worth it -- and we're worth it. "Guys are pretty simple creatures." That made me laugh, but I don't think you're off the mark...
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default We are simple, at least I am

Hi Hopeful,

I know I am simple, despite being easily eligible for Mensa.

My wife and I have been together over 20 years, most of those years were very happy, lots of fun, lots of passion.

Over the last two or more years, the passion has gone out of our marriage, like you she is very focused on her job, probably unlike you she is spending a significant amount of time and energy dealing with her 80+ yo old separated, angry at each other parents. My children are in their 30s.

FYI I'm 61.

Wednesday night over a glass of wine we spoke openly and very honestly, I can assure you she was wearing clothes that were not at all sexy, but we reconnected on a variety of levels because I was willing to listen.

Today when she hugs me, when I kiss her, my passion for her returns all too obviously, despite my thinking I still want to follow my dreams westward. A hug makes me want to take her to our bed, even forsaking for a while dreams I've delayed for years.

I don't have any way of knowing if your husband is as easily swayed as I am, nor do I know if I'm really willing to defer my dreams, nor do I know if he is as simple as I am.

I wish you luck in your journey.

Mark
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Old 09-12-2010, 01:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???

Hopeful1, I just read your post. I've got a few suggestions for you. These come from my history as a spouse and husband as well as being a licensed marriage and family therapist.

I'd first remember that his pain didn't develop overnight. I'd also say that it will not end in a mere two sessions. He's going to need to be heard and supported. Your candid and clear take that you have been physically and or emotionally absent is helpful as he'll need this kind of candor from you to feel fully heard.

For you I'd say continue to engage in building the marriage via simple connection as you did when you were courting some many years ago. Simple advise here but ground breaking interventions on the marriage usually don't make it better, quite to the contrary. You can instead begin making the relationship the priority. Rekindling your love will only happen when job, hobbies, etc take a peripheral role in your life. I can tell you want it and are doing what it takes to make it happen.

Good luck. You can reach me at my website below should you want to know more. Also, I'd recommend beginning to read, Hold Me Tight, by therapist Susan Johnson about attachment and rebuilding passion and bonding in marriages like yours. Enjoy the journey, Justin

Also, you can read my blog articles on the subject of marriage at this link on marriage and couples counseling.
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Old 09-13-2010, 12:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???

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Originally Posted by Hopeful1 View Post
My husband of 6 years says his passion for me is gone. Period. He has some trust issues with me as I've spent years focused on my job instead of my family. My "light" went on and I've made a 180 in the past month. It's only been a month, but I'm serious and diligent about keeping him and our family my priority for the rest of our lives. We've had 2 counseling sessions so far and he's willing to go. He says he's open-minded but that he doesn't know if he'll ever feel passion toward me again. Even if he learns to trust that I'm making a permanent change in my priorities, he doesn't know if he'll ever feel passion for me again. And, for him, if he doesn't find the passion for me, the marriage is over.

Any advice? I'm hoping that building trust will help him to regain passion for me again. I'm willing to listen and learn from anyone who can share... THANK YOU!
I understand exactly what your husband is feeling. I'm in a situation very similar to yours. I used to have a passion for my wife that couldn't be quenched. This was great in the beginning of the relationship. In chased her for years. As the years went by though her affections grew less and less and the rejections grew more and more. I tried talking to her about it many times only to hear things like, "Its not you, its me." "I don't know what to tell you to do." "Do you think our marriage should always be the way it was when we first got together?" In other words, she told me everything she could to get me to back off. Eventually I did.

Today the total sum of our affection for each other consist of this:

1) We kiss only when one of us is leaving the house and its a kiss your grandmother good night kind of thing.

2) I only hear I love you when one of us leaves the house, or we hang up on the phone.

That is the extent of our affection.

The last talk I had with her was in June. I know she doesn't want to get divorced. Our kids are all grown, and she doesn't work. When I brought up the possibility of ending the marriage in June, she kind of freaked out. I told her that I would not remain in the marriage any longer if things didn't change to my liking. Some of my stipulations were probably outrageous. Things like, We have to start doing things as a couple, so come up with some ideas. Everything I ever suggested gets shot down because "she doesn't feel like it." And we start working to put the passion back in our marriage.

I gave us 4 months to start to fix things. Here we are 3 1/2 months in and I'm still cruising relationship sites and she's done nothing. I'm about 30 days from filing for divorce, and unfortunately, I think that will be when I see her wanting to work on things. For me it will be too late then.

If this sounds like your relationship, then I know where your husband is coming from.

I had a ton of my own issues to work out and over the last 6 months I've conquered a majority of them.

The real marriage killer for me was when, after dozens of conversations, I've seen just how little she cares for what is important to me.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure that even if she did really want to try, I could bring back any passion for her at this point. I'm so far beyond the anger / resentment stage that I can't even see them any more. If I was honest with myself, I'd probably say I don't really care about our marriage any more and ending it will be a welcome relief for me.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you ThinkTooMuch (Mark), PathwaysTherapy (Justin), and Boogsie -- it's very thoughtful for you all to comment and to provide a much-needed male insight to this complicated topic. I know I'm not the only person struggling with this type of issue and so hopefully your feedback is not only helpful to me but to others as well...

ThinkTooMuch, your story of a 20-year marriage and renewed passion at 61 is very inspiring. And, given your insightful response, you're definitely not "simple"! I hope that my husband and I can move beyond our past and that my husband can move forward with me from the difficulties that have caused him to lose his passion for me. He continues to say he's keeping an open mind and is "working" on our marriage. I hope that one day he will hug or kiss me and feel the reconnect that you do with your wife. It's something I'm hoping and praying for many times a day. And your comment about deferring your dreams -- I am also taking this to heart and will certainly try to support my husband's dreams throughout our future together, if given a chance to do so. That's something that brought us together in the first place, you know?

PathwaysTherapy, I also appreciate your professional advice and male perspective. I realize that this didn't happen overnight and therefore will take some time to resolve. It's a very painful process for me, though, knowing how deeply and adamantly I wish to mend my ways, heal his heart and make this marriage one for the story books -- one I can be proud to share with my kids and their kids someday. I know he's still dealing with quite a bit of resentment, is scared that this new commitment to our marriage is only temporary, and isn't honestly sure he wants to stay married yet... and that unstableness, that unknown, is so horribly painful to face day in and day out. He's worth it, and our family is certainly worth it, so I'm coping as best as I can. It's just absolutely heartbreaking -- lump in the throat, knot in the stomach -- to hear from him here and there that he doesn't know what he's feeling toward me or if he's going to be able to get the passion back for me ever again. I'll continue to be as steady and supportive as I can and, as mentioned above, will continue to hope and pray that we're able to save our marriage.

Boogsie, I'm so very, truly sorry for where you are right now. My husband is pushing me away with his lack of interest right now, but I know that it's because I pushed him away for so long with my focus on work, etc. As I'm really the instigator in this marriage "mess" we're in (although, yes, he's contributed in some ways to this icky situation), I know it's at least a good part my job to do my very best to fix what's broken. But to your point, a marriage takes two, and he'll have to start actually putting some "work" into "working on our marriage" at some point if it's going to work. I'm going to give him as long as I can to tear down his wall and let me into his heart again, but I also know that eventually there may be a time that I can't continue to give all in a one-sided marriage. This is still very new to us and we're not even through his anger and resentment toward me yet, so I know I'm in for a bumpy ride. I'm very thankful for these boards, however, to help me through. When my heart is hurting these days, these boards help me to not feel so badly and to have the strength to keep going.

For all of you, and for anyone who's new to this string, how do I cope with the occasionaly "zingers" that my husband throws at me? He's a sarcastic man, which usually makes me laugh. But what do I do or say when he's saying things like "Here's our fall to-do list for the house, such as painting the exterior... just in case we need to sell it in the spring" or, during a recent fishing trip, "Here honey -- kiss this fish for luck... at least it will be receptive to your kisses" or, if I express any longing for him, "Well, welcome to my world for the past several years"??? I'm trying to bite my tongue and let him express himself, but I also don't know if I can put up months of verbal torture. Any advice for deflecting or, even better, understanding these types of comments?
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???

Sounds like he wants you to hurt as much as he was hurt before he feels he can forgive you. When is he going to be satisfied though? Is it going to be tit for tat? Will it take him 7 years of making you basically beg for attention before he starts to work on the marriage too?

He needs to decide if he wants to stay or go.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Says Passion is Gone... How to Get It Back???

Hi Hopeful,

You wrote
"Any advice for deflecting or, even better, understanding these types of comments?" along with some kind words that I appreciate.

Is your H from metropolitan New York? His words remind me of being a relatively bright kid in high school - zingers were the acme of many conversations, they rolled off one's back, along with groans due to puns. If one took the zingers personally you were making a huge mistake.

Were I him I'd suggest you say "Yes dear" and give a kiss that knocks his socks off, better yet take his pants and socks off take his hand and lead him to your bedroom or the nearest soft chair. It would work for me.

His remarks clearly reflect his anger, I'm all too familiar with mine, I know it diminishes following passion for a day or so.

I really admire your course of action and love for your husband, hope you both succeed.

Mark
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Boogsie, I'm so very, truly sorry for where you are right now. My husband is pushing me away with his lack of interest right now, but I know that it's because I pushed him away for so long with my focus on work, etc. As I'm really the instigator in this marriage "mess" we're in (although, yes, he's contributed in some ways to this icky situation), I know it's at least a good part my job to do my very best to fix what's broken. But to your point, a marriage takes two, and he'll have to start actually putting some "work" into "working on our marriage" at some point if it's going to work. I'm going to give him as long as I can to tear down his wall and let me into his heart again, but I also know that eventually there may be a time that I can't continue to give all in a one-sided marriage. This is still very new to us and we're not even through his anger and resentment toward me yet, so I know I'm in for a bumpy ride. I'm very thankful for these boards, however, to help me through. When my heart is hurting these days, these boards help me to not feel so badly and to have the strength to keep going.
For me, I've been "working" on our marriage for the last, well, nearly 5 years. I'm done. She's not shown a wit of interest in the marriage or my problems. She's content with her life. I already know what is going to happen in my case. Next month I will tell her I want a divorce, then I'll have the most pliable, sexually active wife a man could want.

You may want to consider asking your husband directly if he thinks things are beyond repair. Frankly, in my situation, I'm done. There is nothing more to try to fix. Having her only notice after I file for divorce (which I know will happen from similar things in the past) won't do it. I've checked out and I'm ready to pay the bill.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Were I him I'd suggest you say "Yes dear" and give a kiss that knocks his socks off, better yet take his pants and socks off take his hand and lead him to your bedroom or the nearest soft chair. It would work for me.

His remarks clearly reflect his anger, I'm all too familiar with mine, I know it diminishes following passion for a day or so. "
As simple as it is- I love this advice. You will need to step up the passon on your end and take the risk of being rejected by him.

I noticed you said ...." I hope that one day he will hug or kiss me and feel the reconnect that you do with your wife". You will need to take the initiative and show him YOU still have the Passion. Whoever is feeling the Passion must openly express it deeply, daily. As you express and he "FEELS" this, hopefully he will begin to trust this, look forward to this. Rely on this new woman you have become, or the woman he once loved & cherish & wanted, felt that in the early days of your relationship - before work took priority.

I was Tooooo into my kids at one time, too focused on building our house/life, not paying enough attention to my husband, he was patient & loving through it all, it was never to the extremes expressed here. But I know he felt rejected sexually by me (more hurt in this area than any other). I didn't really know how deep until I started asking questions once my sex drive went up (a blessing), he never complained or anything, some men just hide what they feel.

Because I knew I caused this, I will say I went out of my way to revive our sex life. I became such a Passionate force, he was not sure what in the world to do with me. He was always receptive, and I do hope if you take this route, this risk of putting yourself out there sexually , intimately , seductively - he will respond. It will surely get his attention, maybe give him a double -take, but hey, that is a good thing.

If he makes a sarcastic remark, give him a flirting remark about what you want to do to him that night! He is trying to get a rise out of you, to hurt you for his hurt. Try not to take it too personal. Just focus on making up for those days, those lost years. All can be forgiven, if enough Love is showed and the willingness is there.


Have you done anything like THIS , surprised him with new lingerie, etc -You tell us. And if so, how did he respond ?

Another thing I highly recommend - to stir the Emotions of yesterday, the sweet memories, a little work invoved but so touching !! >>> If you have MOVIE MAKER on your computer,
scan your favorite Photos of you & him, choose the best from the begining of your relationship, photos of your wedding, till now, add your favorite love song to this, create this testatment to your love for him in Video form, and play this back to him. It may cause a flood of emotions in both of you -that will take you by surprise. I did this for a friend & her husband, it brought tears to his eyes. A very special thing to do for the one you love.

I made a few for me & my husband, I swear the night I did this was the beginning of my transformation to no longer take him for granted -ever again and to live for him & never put him 2nd.
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Old 09-15-2010, 02:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice SimplyAmorous. I am doing these things, even to the extent that you noted -- the outfits, the stripper shoes, the wig, the works, complete with a box of toys -- and flirting with him incessantly. He's been responsive but then in our 3rd session last night we hit a speedbump -- he said that he is only being responsive out of guilt because he knows I want it. He says that he is numb toward me emotionally and only feels toward me as he would a friend. He still holds that his passion is gone and he doesn't know if/how he can get it back. He said he wanted to put my sexual advances on hold and just co-exist as friends for a while. He's filled with trust issues and is afraid that my 180 degree change is only temporary. No matter how many times I tell him that it's permanent, he still says that nothing can prove that it will be permanent. This week, we agreed to put sex on hold and he asked that I not make any advances toward him. When (or if) he's ready, he'll take the next step toward me. He says he's still being open-minded and agreeing to "work" on the marriage. But he needs time to see if he's going to ever feel anything toward me again. Very hard for me, indeed. For now, I'll have to hold my feelings in and not express myself. We'll try it his way for a while... for as long as I can stand it. But if he doesn't let down his wall toward me at some point, I may have to give up. This is still very new to us (about a month into this fiasco) so I'm trying to cope on a daily basis while these wounds and the threat of divorce are still very new. I want so badly to touch him, seduce him and let him know how much I love him, but right now he clearly stated that he wants to be left alone. I don't know what to do right now other than respect his wishes... and risk that our "friends only" behavior toward one another will only reinforce his "friends only" feelings toward me... UGH. SO pit-of-the-stomach sad right now. My heart aches and it's very hard to hold it together...
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Old 09-23-2010, 02:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Hopeful...I am so sorry about your situation. Maybe you need to connect with him emotionally before you can connect with him sexually.
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Old 09-23-2010, 07:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Anonymus, yes, I'm thinking the same thing -- and our counselor (whom I also see independently weekly) agrees with this assessment. He's got a lot of resentment to work through right now and so, for now, I'm keeping sex on the back burner and just working on showing him my commitment to this life-change through actions. Counselor thinks his walls will eventually come down, but after years of feeling that he had no control in our marriage, he seems to be relishing and insisting on holding onto every ounce of control now. Somewhat childish, yes, but I think we all revert to somewhat childish antics when hurt. I'm doing better with the emotions right now... going to the counselor and reading these boards helps IMMENSELY. I'm learning patience, which is something I've never really been good at, and also learning to feed my own emotional needs while going through this doubt-filled isolation period. I will keep on my path and will continue to show him my love and dedication -- eventually he'll have to start to let his guard down. But as one of my fellow posters on this site say, "It's marathon, not a sprint" so I know I may be in for months if not a year of this before things start to feel better. All the more time to work on being a better me, you know?
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